let's start a good joke thread! (1 Viewer)

[Shoaib Lateef]

i'll start it off (don't know if its THAT good, but hey its a start)...

Why do the authorities have such a hard time convicting rape suspects in West Virginia??




















cause everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records!

 

[JamesCB]

Jokes or riddles? Here is my joke:

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

 

[Mark Sherman]

What was Jesus saying in the "Last Supper"


Get on this side of the table if you want to be in the picture.

 

[Mike Hutman]

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a Dog licking his own genitals.
The first guy says "Man,I wish I could do that."
The second guys replies "Why don't you try petting him first."

 

[Matt Butler]

Chicken and an egg are laying in bed together.
Chicken is smiling and smoking a cigarette while the egg is scowling.

Chicken looks at egg and says " Well that debate has finally been settled."

 

[Holadem]

My preferred version is "Well, I guess that settles that one", and I think it works better when it's the egg (or whoever isn't done...) that says it.

--
H

 

[James_S]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!" Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne"

 

[Garrett Lundy]

Visual joke. Good for parties....


"Why did the blonde go to church?"




"Because she heard there was a guy there who was hung like this!"
(Stand up and hold your arms in the crucifixion/big fish manner).

 

[Richard_T]

This one's kinda gross so do not read if you're easily offended.


What do you call a blond standing on her head?



A brunette with bad breath.

 

[Christ Reynolds]

why does snoop dogg use an umbrella?
for drizzle.

CJ

 

[Gregg Shiu]

Hey, Christ, I know I shouldn't have laughed so much at your joke, but I found it to be pretty damn funny.

 

[Evelio Figueroa]

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks!!