Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Kenneth, Feb 5, 2002.

  1. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

    Jul 31, 1997
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    Drivers Education Exam Answers
    The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
    Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    What for? He can't see my license plate.
    Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
    The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
    Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
    Always wear a condom.
    Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    Your car.
    Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
    Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
    Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
    Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
    I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
    Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
    Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
    The color.
    Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    Heavy psychedelics.
    Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    Carry loaded weapons.
    "You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
    you grow old because you stopped laughing"
  2. BrettB

    BrettB Producer

    Feb 1, 2001
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    Well, if those are in fact real, I guess I'm having a hard time finding the humor in a bunch of incompetent drivers with no appreciation for or understanding of the serious nature of driving a motorized vehicle on the roadways.

    Hey, someone had to say it.
  3. Mark C Sherman

    Mark C Sherman Second Unit

    May 14, 2001
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    Wow they must all be from Boston.
    We are the only state That teaches our Kids to look both ways when crossing a one way street[​IMG]
  4. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

    Jul 31, 1997
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    Ouch. I had no idea I was being so controvertial. Maybe this will work better:

    True words of wisdom.

    Never trust a dog to watch your food.

    Patrick, Age 10

    When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

    Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

    Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

    Rocky, Age 9

    Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

    Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

    Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

    Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

    Carrol, Age 9

    Never bug a pregnant mom.

    Nicholas, Age 11

    Don't ever be too full for dessert.

    Kelly, Age 10

    When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

    Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

    Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12

    When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

    Alyesha, Age 13

    Never try to baptize a cat.

    Laura, Age 13

    Never spit when on a roller coaster.

    Scott, Age 11

    Never do pranks at a police station.

    Sam, Age 10

    Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10

    Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.

    Hank, Age 12

    Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

    Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

    Stay away from prunes.

    Randy, Age 9

    Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

    Forget the cake, go for the icing.

    Cynthia, Age 8

    Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and grandma's house. Joanne, Age 11

  5. Scott Hayes

    Scott Hayes Second Unit

    Oct 2, 2001
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    here is something to add to your joke of the day:
    Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
    - On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
    (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
    - On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (The shoplifter special!)
    - On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
    (and that would be how?)
    - On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
    (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
    - On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
    (Too late! you lose!)
    - On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
    (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
    - On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
    (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
    - On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
    (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
    - On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
    (One would hope!)
    - On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
    (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
    - On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
    (As opposed to use in outer space.)
    - On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
    (Now I'm curious.)
    - On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
    (but no peas?)
    - On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
    (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
    - On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
    (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
    - On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
    (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
    Cant remember were I found these but I thought they were humorous. By the way I like the driving test answers, made me feel smart.[​IMG]
  6. Dennis Nicholls

    Dennis Nicholls Lead Actor

    Oct 5, 1998
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    Boise, ID
    Real Name:
    Most pistols made in the last few decades bear a warning lable on them, something like 'may be dangerous'. My Ruger .357 magnum has one...
  7. Jamie E

    Jamie E Stunt Coordinator

    Mar 30, 2000
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    Okay guys, this list is guaranteed to make you laugh. I just love language interpretation humor.

    58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

    ================================================== ======

    1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

    2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

    4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

    5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

    6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

    7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

    9. Stud Tires Out

    10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

    11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

    13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

    15. Eye Drops off Shelf

    16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

    18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

    19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

    20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

    21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

    22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

    23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

    24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

    25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

    26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

    27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

    28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

    29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

    30. War Dims Hope for Peace

    31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

    32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

    33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

    35. Deer Kill 17,000

    36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

    40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

    42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

    43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

    44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

    45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

    46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

    47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

    48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

    49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

    50. Air Head Fired

    51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

    52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

    53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

    54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

    55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

    56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

    57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

    58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
  8. MickeS

    MickeS Producer

    Jul 24, 2000
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    Kenneth, this one from your first post in the thread made me laugh so much:

    Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    Your car.

  9. Kevin P

    Kevin P Screenwriter

    Jan 18, 1999
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  10. Jeffrey Noel

    Jeffrey Noel Screenwriter

    Sep 11, 2001
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    Here's an e-mail that I received last night which nearly made me cry from laughing! [​IMG]
    My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty
    training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in-between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
    yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were
    leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  11. BrettB

    BrettB Producer

    Feb 1, 2001
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  12. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

    Jul 31, 1997
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    Another Day, another joke:
    Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers)
    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (R. M., Fairfax Station)
    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (R. B., Springfield)
    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (P. S., Silver Spring)
    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (R. A., Washington)
    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (C. S., Woodbridge)
    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (R. B., Springfield)
    Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T[​IMG]lw.quid55328.comaaakk/[email protected] but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake (K. K., Landover Hills)
    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (J. B., Chevy Chase)
    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (G. F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
    Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (R. B., Springfield)
    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (J. H., Arlington)
    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (W. G., Madison, Ala.)
    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (P. K., Syracuse, N.Y.)
    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (R. B., Springfield)
    The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (B. F., Alexandria)
    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (C. S., Woodbridge)
    The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

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