Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Kenneth, Dec 3, 2001.

  1. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

    Jul 31, 1997
    Likes Received:
    Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
    OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
    OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
    INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
    OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
    to love.
    INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
    OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
    INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.
    OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
    INSIDE: What the f*ck was I thinking?
    OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
    INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
    OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
    INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to
    admit it.
    OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
    INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
    OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
    INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm
    taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating
    OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
    INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
    OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
    INSIDE: Buy a dog.
    OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
  2. Danny R

    Danny R Supporting Actor

    May 23, 2000
    Likes Received:
    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

    There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

    Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

    (Highlight just the first spoiler block for the answer.)

    The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women - stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men, highlight the second spoiler block.


    2nd spoiler block - don't highlight this unless told.

    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

    By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen. You were told to stop scrolling.

    The end!
  3. Kenneth

    Kenneth Supporting Actor

    Jul 31, 1997
    Likes Received:
    A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed.
    "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
    "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
    "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.
    No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
    "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work
    on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run
    to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person,
    a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real
    conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around
    The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the
    office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same
    downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?"
    asked the doctor.
    "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some
    of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking
    "So, what's your problem?"
    "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
  4. Kevin Potts

    Kevin Potts Second Unit

    Feb 17, 2001
    Likes Received:

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