- Joined
- Jun 10, 2003
- Messages
- 26,351
- Real Name
- Josh Steinberg
I have so many different things I want to respond to here! 
I have a version of this problem because my wife and I share a smaller space; we have a one bedroom apartment and the big problem is that there just isn't the space for us to both be home and doing independent activities with the way everything is set up. The dilemma for us is that to have any more space, it's simply not affordable in our area, so we'd have to move - the kind of move that would turn our commute from a half hour into two hours. That's a non-starter at this point, so we have to make the best of what we have. I think the situation has been workable as long as it has been because we usually work different schedules; she usually gets a couple hours of alone time before I get home, and then we have a couple hours together, and then she goes to bed and then I have a couple hours alone.
I think the long term solution for this, if we continue living in the same space, may be something similar to what Neil has suggested. I think we probably need to set up a second setup in the bedroom. Right now, we have a smaller TV and Blu-ray player in there, but no surround sound (not a dealbreaker for me). Worse, because of the older, thick walls in our apartment, wi-fi signals die before reaching the bedroom, and there's no cable extension in there, so no streaming and no watching cable - physical media only. There's also just a bed in there, so there's no place to just sit and watch TV without being in bed. So I think long term, I may have to look into running some ethernet wires in there and putting in another streaming box, and possibly rearranging the furniture in such a way that I could put a comfy chair or two in there so that it's actually a comfortable space to watch TV.
I think that's actually the biggest problem I face, more so than space. We like a lot of the same programming, but sometimes have different approaches to what we want to watch and when. For me, I always want to watch a new TV show on the day that it airs, or watch a new release disc the day it is released. I like routine in my life, I like having some of my viewing choices figured out in advance, and being able to tell myself, "You've got a new episode of True Detective to look forward to on Sunday" or "That new 3D disc is coming out on Tuesday" really does improve my quality of life. I recognize that that may be completely silly, but on the other hand -- it works for me. So my biggest frustration comes where I might be waiting all week for a certain show to be on, or for a disc to arrive, and my wife will say that she wants to watch it with me, and doesn't want me to watch it without her -- but that she's not in the mood to watch it that night either. And it's one of those things where it seems silly to argue about, but it also impacts quality of life when you're surrounded by discs you want to watch but feel that you're waiting on someone else. At one point, I had a ridiculously long list of something like 50 discs that I wanted to watch, but where she had asked me to wait for her to watch them. That's when I realized this had gotten out of hand.
This was one of those things where I actually had to stop and think to myself about what I actually wanted. Did I want to watch these movies or shows right away, even though that would potentially mean excluding here from something she was interested in? Did I want her to make more of an effort to watch things on my time frame? Did I just want her to understand where I was coming from? It turns out the answer was a little bit of all of the above. Some things I really did want to watch right away, no matter what. Some things I was happy to wait if she was definitely interested and if we could watch them soon. And I found out that she hadn't realized that this was becoming a big deal to me, and we easily arrived at a reasonable compromise.
For TV shows that I participate in discussions about on HTF, we agreed to watch them together on their original airdates, so that I would still be able to participate in those discussions here. For shows that I'm not part of HTF discussions for that we watch together, we still aim to watch them on their original airdates, but I'm willing to postpone as long as it doesn't become a pile-up of episodes waiting to be watched. And for movies that I order on disc, we both make an effort to communicate better about it. If it's something that I'm expecting to arrive in the mail on Tuesday and watch that night, I'll let her know so that she can decide whether or not she's interested in watching it with me that night (instead of it being a surprise announcement that I'm expecting to watch a certain thing right now). And she's also agreed that if she asks me to wait to watch something with her, the statute of limitations is up after a week. She realized it was a little unfair to tell me that she wanted me to wait to watch something with her, but then wouldn't be in the mood to watch that thing for weeks or months. Or, if it's a movie that I know I'll want to watch again in a very short time period, I'll say, "Avengers is coming in the mail today, I'd like to watch it tonight, but I also know that I'm going to want to see it a few times while it's still new" and then she might say, "I don't feel like watching it tonight but I'll watch it with you next week."
So I guess my two cents, for what it's worth, is just to figure out what it is that you want to accomplish, and build a conversation around that. I think compromise is important, and I think it's also just important to re-evaluate how the home situation is working from time to time; better to make small adjustments or to take the temperature on a situation while it's still cool, instead of waiting for the frustration to mount. For a situation like Mike's, I imagine he's going to do the lion's share of the compromising here, and that probably makes the most sense if he's "off" and his wife is working - working from home is still work, after all - but retiring means that Mike has put in his fair share over his lifetime and has earned this time to relax. Being home more often will be the new normal and something he's earned, not a matter of him being lazy or being a slacker or playing hookey - so my advice, for whatever little it may be worth, is to look at the big picture and for ways for both of you to find a compromise. One that recognizes that Peg is still working and needs the space to do so, but also one that recognizes that being home more often is just part of Mike's new day-to-day life, and that he should be able to participate in his hobbies in his free time instead of having to wait until she is off the clock to do so.
So one possible solution, as Neil mentioned, was to have a second setup, perhaps in the bedroom or some other part of the house where the volume won't be a disturbance. Another possible solution might be to work on partially soundproofing her office so that he can sit in the next room and not bother her. Even getting a new, heavier door can make a big difference.
(Probably off-topic, but writing this is reminding me of a conflict I had at a previous job with one of the managers that wasn't actually my boss. She had an office outside of my cubicle; she had a door, I did not, but she refused to close the door as a matter of policy. I was required to be on multiple conference calls throughout the day, and the manager in the office behind me would constantly complain about having to listen to my end of the phone calls. To be clear, I wasn't shouting or being overly loud; I was merely doing my job as assigned. I think she ended up making a complaint to my supervisor about this, who basically told her to stop interfering with my work and to feel free to close her door as necessary. The point being that it was inappropriate for her to ask me to make an accommodation when she had a door that could be closed and I didn't.)
I have a version of this problem because my wife and I share a smaller space; we have a one bedroom apartment and the big problem is that there just isn't the space for us to both be home and doing independent activities with the way everything is set up. The dilemma for us is that to have any more space, it's simply not affordable in our area, so we'd have to move - the kind of move that would turn our commute from a half hour into two hours. That's a non-starter at this point, so we have to make the best of what we have. I think the situation has been workable as long as it has been because we usually work different schedules; she usually gets a couple hours of alone time before I get home, and then we have a couple hours together, and then she goes to bed and then I have a couple hours alone.
I think the long term solution for this, if we continue living in the same space, may be something similar to what Neil has suggested. I think we probably need to set up a second setup in the bedroom. Right now, we have a smaller TV and Blu-ray player in there, but no surround sound (not a dealbreaker for me). Worse, because of the older, thick walls in our apartment, wi-fi signals die before reaching the bedroom, and there's no cable extension in there, so no streaming and no watching cable - physical media only. There's also just a bed in there, so there's no place to just sit and watch TV without being in bed. So I think long term, I may have to look into running some ethernet wires in there and putting in another streaming box, and possibly rearranging the furniture in such a way that I could put a comfy chair or two in there so that it's actually a comfortable space to watch TV.
I think that's actually the biggest problem I face, more so than space. We like a lot of the same programming, but sometimes have different approaches to what we want to watch and when. For me, I always want to watch a new TV show on the day that it airs, or watch a new release disc the day it is released. I like routine in my life, I like having some of my viewing choices figured out in advance, and being able to tell myself, "You've got a new episode of True Detective to look forward to on Sunday" or "That new 3D disc is coming out on Tuesday" really does improve my quality of life. I recognize that that may be completely silly, but on the other hand -- it works for me. So my biggest frustration comes where I might be waiting all week for a certain show to be on, or for a disc to arrive, and my wife will say that she wants to watch it with me, and doesn't want me to watch it without her -- but that she's not in the mood to watch it that night either. And it's one of those things where it seems silly to argue about, but it also impacts quality of life when you're surrounded by discs you want to watch but feel that you're waiting on someone else. At one point, I had a ridiculously long list of something like 50 discs that I wanted to watch, but where she had asked me to wait for her to watch them. That's when I realized this had gotten out of hand.
This was one of those things where I actually had to stop and think to myself about what I actually wanted. Did I want to watch these movies or shows right away, even though that would potentially mean excluding here from something she was interested in? Did I want her to make more of an effort to watch things on my time frame? Did I just want her to understand where I was coming from? It turns out the answer was a little bit of all of the above. Some things I really did want to watch right away, no matter what. Some things I was happy to wait if she was definitely interested and if we could watch them soon. And I found out that she hadn't realized that this was becoming a big deal to me, and we easily arrived at a reasonable compromise.
For TV shows that I participate in discussions about on HTF, we agreed to watch them together on their original airdates, so that I would still be able to participate in those discussions here. For shows that I'm not part of HTF discussions for that we watch together, we still aim to watch them on their original airdates, but I'm willing to postpone as long as it doesn't become a pile-up of episodes waiting to be watched. And for movies that I order on disc, we both make an effort to communicate better about it. If it's something that I'm expecting to arrive in the mail on Tuesday and watch that night, I'll let her know so that she can decide whether or not she's interested in watching it with me that night (instead of it being a surprise announcement that I'm expecting to watch a certain thing right now). And she's also agreed that if she asks me to wait to watch something with her, the statute of limitations is up after a week. She realized it was a little unfair to tell me that she wanted me to wait to watch something with her, but then wouldn't be in the mood to watch that thing for weeks or months. Or, if it's a movie that I know I'll want to watch again in a very short time period, I'll say, "Avengers is coming in the mail today, I'd like to watch it tonight, but I also know that I'm going to want to see it a few times while it's still new" and then she might say, "I don't feel like watching it tonight but I'll watch it with you next week."
So I guess my two cents, for what it's worth, is just to figure out what it is that you want to accomplish, and build a conversation around that. I think compromise is important, and I think it's also just important to re-evaluate how the home situation is working from time to time; better to make small adjustments or to take the temperature on a situation while it's still cool, instead of waiting for the frustration to mount. For a situation like Mike's, I imagine he's going to do the lion's share of the compromising here, and that probably makes the most sense if he's "off" and his wife is working - working from home is still work, after all - but retiring means that Mike has put in his fair share over his lifetime and has earned this time to relax. Being home more often will be the new normal and something he's earned, not a matter of him being lazy or being a slacker or playing hookey - so my advice, for whatever little it may be worth, is to look at the big picture and for ways for both of you to find a compromise. One that recognizes that Peg is still working and needs the space to do so, but also one that recognizes that being home more often is just part of Mike's new day-to-day life, and that he should be able to participate in his hobbies in his free time instead of having to wait until she is off the clock to do so.
So one possible solution, as Neil mentioned, was to have a second setup, perhaps in the bedroom or some other part of the house where the volume won't be a disturbance. Another possible solution might be to work on partially soundproofing her office so that he can sit in the next room and not bother her. Even getting a new, heavier door can make a big difference.
(Probably off-topic, but writing this is reminding me of a conflict I had at a previous job with one of the managers that wasn't actually my boss. She had an office outside of my cubicle; she had a door, I did not, but she refused to close the door as a matter of policy. I was required to be on multiple conference calls throughout the day, and the manager in the office behind me would constantly complain about having to listen to my end of the phone calls. To be clear, I wasn't shouting or being overly loud; I was merely doing my job as assigned. I think she ended up making a complaint to my supervisor about this, who basically told her to stop interfering with my work and to feel free to close her door as necessary. The point being that it was inappropriate for her to ask me to make an accommodation when she had a door that could be closed and I didn't.)
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My wife doesn't have a sister... She loves any of the Agatha Christie TV shows or movies (Marple and Poirot especially) so I can watch those with her as I really like them too. Anything on NOVA, or any other documentary, is out. Not going to happen. She's not against TV but just doesn't like the majority of what I watch. She absolutely doesn't like to rewatch any of the 60s/70s TV shows I like and watch fairly regularly (doesn't like any Star Trek or any series with Bob Newhart - a couple of my favorites although, surprisingly, likes Charmed but won't watch the DVDs I purchased for her preferring to wait for it to show up on some channel and watch it with commercials). She rarely rewatches a movie and just doesn't understand my large collection of TV/Movies although she's mostly tolerant of it only making the occasional derogatory remark: "So.. are you building a new wall there or what?".
