I'd support a Congressional act banning amateur singer-songwriters and their guitars.

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Jack Briggs, Jul 7, 2002.

  1. Jack Briggs

    Jack Briggs Executive Producer

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    It's 7:27 p.m. PDT on a particularly miserable Sunday evening. My tooth infection has returned with a vengeance, and the pain is intolerable. And what, besides Extra-Strength Tylenol, do I have to ameliorate my misery?

    Other than my cat's constant vigilance, I have a loud neighbor across the street, plaintively strumming his acoustic guitar and oh-so-sincerely "singing" his self-composed ballads about unrequited love and the dearth of people who "understand" him.

    His melodic line is identical to his chord structure: A C chord is accompanied by a C note, a D chord by a D note. He has far too great a fondness for half- and whole-notes, holding them long enough to show off his efforts at libretto. And, I'm sure, he believes he might be the most earnest minstrel since Bob Dylan.

    Small problem: no talent.

    Add to that his voice, which carries even farther whenever there is a gust of wind. (Closing the windows in this heat would only make my own suffering worse.)

    I'm sure this gentleman is a good person. But I saw sooo many of his type when area magazines would torture me by sending me on assignments to local coffee houses, where unsigned singer-songwriters are able to get this affliction out of their systems in front of their friends.

    Meanwhile, the pain in my mouth increases proportionately to the volume and plaintiveness of this "singer's" efforts.

    In order to persuade Congress to ban such misguided persons from picking up an instrument and attempting to write "music," I am willing to give up my own $500 Alverez acoustic guitar. And I am willing to toss out all my own wretched song lyrics. (But I wrote the crap with a rock band in mind, at least.)

    Or might it be possible to produce a repellent spray that makes it impossible for the talentless to pick up an acoustic guitar and attempt to play it in a densely populated neighborhood?

    Oh, the pain in my mouth and the pain wafting in through my windows make me want to jump out the window. Problem is, I live on the first floor.

    Thank you for your time, and I hope all of you get a great night's sleep.
     
  2. RobertR

    RobertR Lead Actor

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    I wish my next door neighbor moved next to the guy, so she'd bug him instead of bugging me about my home theater.
     
  3. Michael Reuben

    Michael Reuben Studio Mogul

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    I'm sorry, Mr. Briggs, but this thread appears to have a distinctly political tone to it, and we just can't have that. :wink:

    M.
     
  4. Andrew_Sch

    Andrew_Sch Cinematographer

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  5. Richard WWW

    Richard WWW Stunt Coordinator

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    There's a problem with the reasoning here. If all amateur singer-songwriters are banned, then we'll be left with only the professionals. All well and good, you might say, but as the professionals die out, who will take their places? Will record companies have to resort to signing completely inexperienced acts based on the results of aptitude tests, and then teach them all to play guitar????

    Let me propose another act of legislation, as I agree that there are far too many amateur musicians who wrongly believe that they are something other than a pox on humanity. Ban amateur musicians from performing their works within one mile of a residentially or commercially zoned area, and from performing anywhere on public land. Then, if these people can find someone with property in the middle of nowhere and persuade such a person to let them perform there, they'll be able to practice their craft without bothering people who don't want to be bothered by their caterwauling.

    This would also help weed out those who are not serious about actually improving their skill with a musical instrument. If they just want to pick and grin while callously causing their neighbors to wince and frown, will they really go to the trouble of finding someone's private property in a relatively unpopulated area? Let's hope not.

    Also, attached to this bill should be an ammendment excusing police brutatlity in such cases. The first time a complaint is called in and verified against a person, they get a lecture from the cops. The second time, they get a good nightstick beating!!
     
  6. Dennis Reno

    Dennis Reno Supporting Actor

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  7. KeithH

    KeithH Lead Actor

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    Dennis, you stole my thunder! When I read Jack's post, I immediately thought of Bluto in Animal House. That's what Jack needs to do! He doesn't have to go over to the guy's house wearing a toga, but he could. "Sorry." [​IMG]
     
  8. Jack Briggs

    Jack Briggs Executive Producer

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    I'm going to a new dentist tomorrow--in fact, my editor at work is taking me herself. She saw me just minutes ago, and thinks I should go home. Didn't manage to blurt out anything about the damn singer-songwriter. Hell, I can barely talk today.

    This infection is so bad it feels as if I have the flu. Joints are weak, and I am always sleepy. Endured very impressive pain last night--woke up twice, and resorted to over-the-counter pain killers.

    A new friend of mine I met this past week brought over some of her own presciption pain medication, which I scarfed down mindlessly (not paying attention to the drug's contraindications in the process--"no alcohol," the label said, and I had already consumed three beers).

    My face looks as if someone has slugged me in the cheeks--again, as if I have a wad of chewing tobocco inside.

    Arms weak as I type, mind unfocused, and I can't stand this. The pain beggars description.

    Morphine sounds good right now. Codeine. Anything.

    This is living hell.
     
  9. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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    Jack, the amorous untalented freak would not be an issue if you had lived further north, say, a few hundred kilometers from the Arctic Circle. The wind chill alone would frost bite his uncoordinated fingers, and his tongue would turn blue from the restricted blood flow. Come to Canada Jack! I know you missed your chance during the Draft Years, but it's never too late!

    We've also got top-notch dentists here (Canada has a few laws against quackery...or at least they don't get the incentive salary to be one). I have never personally known anyone with a tooth infection, and certainly no one who was as miserable as you.

    Any sign of halitosis as well?
     
  10. Michael Warner

    Michael Warner Supporting Actor

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    Try having a bagpiper down the street from you. At least he's gotten better over the years and actually sounds quite good now. Still, it's a bit jarring when that bag starts wailing.

    Oddly enough, there was also a bagpiper in one of the apartment buildings in which I lived during college. Not a nice way to wake up, especially with a hangover.
     
  11. Tim Hoover

    Tim Hoover Screenwriter

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    Oh, that's not too bad. I'm a drummer - think of how my neighbors feel during practice time!
    At least I'm pretty good on the skins. At least, I think I am [​IMG]
     
  12. Rain

    Rain Producer

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    Wow, Jack
    I'm afraid I can't support you re: the singer/songwriter. Sounds like he's just playing for his own pleasure and I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm sure some of my neighbors are slightly annoyed with my lame attempts at playing guitar, but it's gotta be done. [​IMG]
    Of course, I'm guessing that you are probably just cranky because of your tooth and for that you have my sympathy. But it is high time (did I say high time?..no I'm sure I didn't [​IMG] ) to see a dentist.
     
  13. Carlo Medina

    Carlo Medina Executive Producer

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    If I lived in your part of town I would fear that you were talking about me! [​IMG]
     
  14. Dennis Reno

    Dennis Reno Supporting Actor

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  15. Jack Briggs

    Jack Briggs Executive Producer

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    Lights! Cameras! Codeine!

    My boss took me to her dentist today. Even he was impressed by the extent of the infection. In fact, he cannot do anything until the swelling and the infection subside.

    Meanwhile, as a side benefit, he prescribed enough antibiotics and codeine to get me through next week, until when he thinks he can do some remodeling work on my mouth.

    Even now, on codeine, I can tell there is pain--but I only dimly feel it. Only twenty minutes separates me from the next blessed, pain-relieving tablet. I fucking cannot wait. What I said in my previous post is no stretch. It really felt that bad.

    And you must read this: Before I typed this, the "troubadour" just bleated out an umtempo "work." Ahh, but that next codeine, I can hardly wait!

    (My face looks horrible tonight--swollen really bad.)
     
  16. Rob Speicher

    Rob Speicher Supporting Actor

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    Teeth can get infections? Who knew? Learn something new on this forum every day, I tell ya [​IMG]
    As for the "artist" next door, just come out and tell him he has no talent whatsoever and should move on. Or just shout it out your window if you're not comfortable with that confrontation.
     
  17. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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    Got some pics? And how'd the tooth get infected? Is it anything like the infamous rotten teeth episode of Ren and Stimpy?

    I hear codeine is pretty nice. How's it compare to morphine or heroin? Er, don't answer if you think the authorities are listening!
     
  18. Jack Briggs

    Jack Briggs Executive Producer

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    Codeine is a blessed relief from sheer pain. I am into one hour of its blessed peace. I cannot emphasize how painful this infection has been. Really, the pain makes one wince.
     

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