I really, REALLY need someones advice... (1 Viewer)

[Max Leung]

Been there. Done that. Will never do it again.

Let the girl find her way. If you still want to keep contact with her, you will need to overcome the infatuation. The easiest way to do that is to break off contact for a while. Don't call her. Don't try to seek her out. Don't try to find her in the hallway or cafeteria or in breaks between classes (assuming you are in school). Go cold turkey.

Find yourself a hobby, discover where your passions (besides women) lay, and pursue them. First and foremost you must regain the self-esteem that you lost while in the presence of this women. Needy women are like emotional vampires...they will suck the life out of you, and you will feel like shit. This is not normal! Happy relationships are always the exact opposite. A hobby will help your recovery, and people will notice. Hell, dating other women would work too, when you realize how refreshing it is to date normal, happy women.

In addition to going cold turkey, you may elect to utter the ultimatum. Tell her that, although you enjoyed your times with her, her life needs to get back on track before you'd get back together with her again. Although I realize in your case this may not be applicable since she already has a boyfriend. Still, it is an option to consider...you'd be surprised how quickly women call back when they realize they may lose someone as cool as you. If they don't call back, then it was never meant to be (and I hope for your sake she won't...her issues can't be solved with a simple ultimatum).

 

[Dean Cooper]

Great idea Dan. Chuck put out some really good info there.
Hell I'll even let you in on a secret resource for meeting over a thousand hot, fit chicks. Take up cheerleading man, the best damn sport I've ever gotten into. The camps always have numbers where the ladies out number the guys 100 to 1. I met my wife that way, we both cheered for a CFL team.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Well, since Chuck mentioned it, I guess I'll talk more about it. I am a borderline. My life is not easy. I have travelled many difficult roads and it is only now, 10 years later, that I am able to participate in a mature relationship.

If it wasn't for the scars on my arms and legs, you probably would never know the pain I've suffured over the years. But please, don't think for an instant that you can help her. "HELP" can only come from a professional, often times many, and true progress only happens when the person is willing.

Borderline personality isn't something that will go away with a few therapist visits. In fact, it almost always NEVER goes away. I am able to control my actions and NOT harm myself and lead a relatively normal life. But, the thoughts are still there. Not a single day passes where the urges aren't there, or where I don't feel I'm being abandoned, and a whole host of other thoughts. The point in me saying all this is that it's not pretty, it's hard. It's HELL. And it's not something you want to be in the middle of just to get laid.

The road to recovery will be a long, difficult one but most importantly, it's one she'll have to travel herself.

But anyway, her SI doesn't necessarily indicate she has BPD because some don't. But many do. Her exact diagnosis really isn't relative, actually. It's her behavior that's important and it will do nothing but suck you dry. That is, until years down the road, she is ready to start giving back.

 

[Dan Shogren]

Max, you're cold turkey idea also seems like a good idea. I definetly should try and get over her, so i can get some sleep at night, but i still want to keep checking on her so nothing horrible happens

 

[Dan Shogren]

Lelia, you bring up some REALLY good points. And i think ill try to stay out of her way on the path to recovery.

 

[Ricardo C]

Just wanted to post to thank Leila for sharing her story. I'm really happy you've made so much progress, and I hope my friend will follow the same path someday.

 

[Eric_L]

i still want to keep checking on her so nothing horrible happens

Dude, you are NOT a knight in shining armor. That is a fairy tale. IF you don't estract yourself the horrible thing may end up happening to you.

get it?

Follow the advice here. Remove her from your life, involve your school counselor, and try to score cheerleaders.

(although my favorite has always been cocktail waitresses, you still have a few years to go before you can do that)

 

[MikeAlletto]

I dont want to get rid of the girl, i want to help her.

Everyone has already said what I was going to say, but just want to say don't be that guy. Don't be the guy that wants to 'fix' her. Run as fast as you can is the best advice. If something does happen to her you will just blame yourself and spiral even further. Remove yourself completely from her life and put her behind you. Its not your problem, its her problem.

 

[Dan Shogren]

I'm going to take the majority of your advice and i'm going to run, i'm going to run my ass off, and i think ill go cold turkey.

 

[Eric_L]

Good, next stop, cheerleaderville!

 

[Jason_Els]

Dan,

Listen to Leila and Chuck. Some quick points:

1. She is in no position to be in a healthy relationship. Anything you do to help her will be altruism on your part. If she tries coming-on to you then don't let her. Tell her you just want to be friends right now. She'll likely think you're shit then but that's part of how the disease affects her mind. Don't take it personally.

2. She will long for guys who ignore her and treat her like crap. You will not be one of them because you actually care.

3. Talk to her about counseling. If she's in counseling now ask questions about it to be sure she's not lying. If she's not in counseling then either go to her parents and talk to them or talk to the school counselor about your concerns. This is as much for you as it is for her. If she does attempts or commits suicide and you do nothing then a whole load of, "if only I had...." will haunt you for the rest of your life. You don't need that kind of remorse. The other goal is to raise some flags to providers of professional help (which she needs) and her parents. This is EXTREMELY difficult to do because it means being a rat (you're not, you're looking out for her but it will still feel like ratting) and getting involved (even if briefly) in a near-stranger's life. Welcome to the real world of adult responsibilities.

4. If you want to be her friend be prepared for a real roller coaster ride. If you stick with it then great, if you don't think you can then do #3. Don't blow her off, that will unnecessarily hurt her. Stick with being casual friends (if she doesn't hate you for #3).

5. If she does make it through and overcomes her disease she will look back and see you were the only one who cared enough and did the right thing. Might be years from now but it's something you can be proud of..... and have no regrets over.

I know it sucks but sometimes we all step in shit and the sooner you take action the better you will feel and the sooner you can sleep at night.

 

[Holadem]

Glad you're making the right choice Dan, I hope you stick to it .

I am surprised no one has posted yet to say that we are all heartless selfish freaks.

--
Holadem

 

[Leila Dougan]

I am surprised no one has posted yet to say that we are all heartless selfish freaks.

At the time, I would have thought so too. But now that I'm better I understand a whole lot more. Hindsight is always 20/20.

 

[Dan Shogren]

Thank you everyone. I'm going to just have to see what happens. I'll keep you updated if anything happens. thanks again.

 

[Dan Shogren]

oh, and to everyone who's telling me to hook up with a cheerleader, thats a little bit tough at my school because we don't have a cheerleading squad, and our school has about 80 people enrolled.

 

[Jim_F]

Once? I'd be making progress if I would just limit it to once per psycho!

 

[Eric Mitchell]

(Jumps in) I'm glad to hear your decision Dan. Of course the execution is the hard part. I'd like to ask you to read your own posts again. They were what hit me most. We've all been where you are and there's been some great advice above so I won't go into that further. However, the acceptance of what she is doing and what her problem is and your subsequent clarity of mind from this is striking. I like seeing these things happen. Its like a Matrix shot where you shift 180 degrees.

My advice to follow through is to focus on other girls. Look at that girl (or multiple girls) that you find yourself talking to or thinking about often but maybe isn't the obvious girl to be hot for, and say hi. Don't worry about finding a "one". Just have a good time, hang out, focus on your life. Be good, have fun, make friends.

 

[Dan Shogren]

well, shit, i just found out she likes comic books and video games.....Making.....desicion......much.......hard er!

 

[Cees Alons]

Mmm. After running away so far, you "just" found out something about her?

Cees

 

[Andrew S]

MAN, THIS IS CRAZY!!! I guess I fell for the same thing a while back. She was one of the prettiest girls in our school and she always talked about how much her life sucked and how sometimes she wanted to end it. I of course didn't understand it since she's wealthy, popular and attractive. So yeah, I went through the motions of trying to help her, talking to her, blah blah blah... and I suppose it did have an affect on me at the time, I mean I DID worry about her. But then she just started talking about it less and less, she didn't talk about how happy she was, but she didn't talk about suicide anymore. She later thanked me for me for being there. SO in my case the girl just grew out of it, or I guess "grew up".

So now looking back - was it all for attention? At the time she "loved" a guy who was friends with her but wanted nothing more.. was she off of my attention?!?
After reading all these posts I'm thinking she was.. and although I guess I sorta even knew back then, it would have been hard to "run away".
Andrew