How to fix a broken heart?

Discussion in 'After Hours Lounge (Off Topic)' started by Tom Roul, Feb 18, 2004.

  1. Tom Roul

    Tom Roul Auditioning

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    My first post and it's a real gem. In a move that is probably going to scar me for life my fiance of 2 months and girlfriend of six years told me last sunday that she didn't love me anymore. [​IMG] as you can imagine this was a suprise to me. i'll give you a little back story so you can see how many levels this sucks on. she's 24 and i'm 25. we've been dating since freshman yr of college. everything was great. we had a condo together, good jobs, still attending school. now the meat of the story. due to a large amount of layoffs at our company(veritas + horizon) a decent amount of new positions became available. we both put in for and accepted promotions that would move our home office from Middleton, MA to Irving, TX. 2 weeks ago we went house hounting, picked the house of our dreams. life rocked! we continue the last two weeks preparing for the move getting our affairs in order and then she drops the bomb. needless to say i was stunned. she brought out the big guns right away.....it's not you it's me, i love you but i'm not in love with you. all the good stuff. so now i'm stuck moving to a city i don't know. i have no friends in the dallas area, no family, no way of finding my way around and no home. we got lucky and only lost 1200 on the house. anyone have advice they can give? the job is perfect so i'm not going to try and back out. i guess i'm out of the shock and awe phase. more of a anger/weepy/this can't be life phase now. anyone have similar experience? if you read this far thank you. don't know why i'm posting this, guess it helps to vent...[​IMG]
     
  2. Todd Hochard

    Todd Hochard Cinematographer

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    Whores. Lotsa whores.[​IMG]
    Hey, you've still got your sense of humor, so that goes a long way right there. Other than that, I have a relationship IQ of about 70, so I can offer nothing of value.[​IMG]

    Todd
     
  3. Dave_Brown

    Dave_Brown Supporting Actor

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    Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. Literally, I burned the t-shirt, the photos, the old letters and threw away everything that would remind me of her. It happened to me at about the same age you are now, matter of fact. I was pretty angry and bitter about the whole thing. It felt like I had been betrayed and had my stomach punched in by Mike Tyson on one of his extremely angry days.

    It was tough for me, too, as I was in a new town just outside Detroit and didn't know a whole lot of people very well. I really wanted a night or 50 to just go and get it all out, talk to someone/anyone but the few people I did know I didn't know well enough to get that personal. And my family, while sympathetic, was never very good at providing emotional support. It got really bad, to the point I thought of doing some pretty drastic things.
    Can't really pin point the moment that things went from pitch black to a hazy grey to an off white to subdued colors but it does happen over time.
    I think the first step in my healing process was when I was sitting around in an empty room feeling miserable when it dawned on me that it has been almost a year and I was still letting a person who was no longer in my life remain in control over my emotions. What a messed up situation that was! Here I was letting someone I didn't even speak to anymore make me unhappy 24x7. So I had to focus that everytime I would start to think of how it used to be and feel sad to instead change the thought to "no one else can make me happy but me" and repeat it over and over and over.
    In the beginning I was thinking this thought probably every 2-3 minutes. But as time went by I would only be getting side tracked one or twice an hour, then a couple times a day and finally it got less and less. I'm not going to lie, I still think back and get depressed but it is easier to deal with now.

    Maybe moving to a new town will help you heal as there will be less reminders of her and your old life around. Sometimes a clean slate is the best bet. It's not like you are running away from here, instead you are moving on to bigger and better things and getting a do-over.

    Focus on your new life and the things you do know that give you comfort. I spent a lot of time just playing my guitar and focusing on the music. Took my mind off things and improved my skills.
     
  4. Garrett Lundy

    Garrett Lundy Producer

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    Ask your local bartender. They know everything about women-folk.
     
  5. Tom Roul

    Tom Roul Auditioning

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    Dave, thanks for the advice. i know what you mean about the family situation. my family has tried so hard to be there for me, but they're just clueless about this stuff. it's funny it's so easy to say i'm going to be a new person and forget about her and then a minute later i'm tearing up thinking, why, why, why? [​IMG]
     
  6. Lew Crippen

    Lew Crippen Executive Producer

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    At least we are a friendly lot here in the metroplex. And you can get on the Cowboy’s bandwagon (ignore the upcoming baseball season).

    We have a lot of good theaters in Dallas and you can learn to love TexMex and barbeque.

    No real advice, but as you have moved to a new area, get out and see new things that might interest you. If you like art, head for the Fort Worth museums: the Kimball (a Louis Kahn masterpiece), the Amon Carter and the Fort Worth Modern Art (new building—very fine) or over to Dallas for theirs. Take a road trip to Austin and spend Friday/Saturday/Sunday in the area, especially 6th Street, one of the great live music venues in the States.

    Or go on a bit further south to San Antonio and visit the Alamo and other tourist attractions.

    And so on.

    In many ways, the move will be beneficial to your recovery—you can get involved with brand new things and make new friends. You will have fewer reminders of her in this new environement.

    And welcome to Texas.
     
  7. Tom Roul

    Tom Roul Auditioning

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    Thanks Lew, I plan to see as much stuff as possible. to start though i just hope i can find an apartment and then find my way to work[​IMG]
     
  8. Patrick Sun

    Patrick Sun Moderator
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    It could be worse, if you've seen Seymore Butts's dating adventures on "Family Business", you know you have a more realistic chance of meeting someone else. Time will heal a lot of the hurt. Give yourself time to "move on" and decompress from the situation.
     
  9. Richard Travale

    Richard Travale Producer

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    Well, since this is the HTF I'll suggest watching 'Swingers'.
    This may help ease the pain a bit.
     
  10. Tom Roul

    Tom Roul Auditioning

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    Richard....been there done that. like 40 times already. i've alternated between swingers, bio-dome, and old school. pain, pain go away...
     
  11. Gwon Chang

    Gwon Chang Stunt Coordinator

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    Hi Tom,

    Read this thread and the one over at GG. Two good places to seek advice from good people, IMO.

    Hang in there. Pick up an instrument (or learn to play one). Just get out and about. Spring is coming. Should be beautiful down there soon.

    Gwon
     
  12. Malcolm R

    Malcolm R Executive Producer

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    Stay single. Your heart stays in one piece that way.
     
  13. Tom Roul

    Tom Roul Auditioning

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    Malcolm, AMEN!!! women are the devil(note to any women that read this - only kidding[​IMG] )
     
  14. Chas_T

    Chas_T Supporting Actor

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    Tom,

    First of all, I am sorry that you had this experience. Breakups such as you describe are never an easy life experience to recover from when someone you love takes your life and shatters it the way she did. However, the good news is she was honest and open with you even though that may not be what you want to hear right now.

    A few bits of wisdom that I can provide.

    1. Time is on your (MY) side. (Roling Stones??): Time heals all wounds in life. The scars may remain, but they do heal. You are a young man with what sounds like a bright future, very articulate and have good character and dedication.

    It appears you were very devoted to this woman. In this day and age, that sometimes can be very rare. Most women would/will embrace a long term relationship with someone like yourself. There is hope and a bright future for you in the world of relationships.

    2. Keep yourself busy!!! The best way to take attention off of a negative experience, is to find other's that will take your focus away from the thoughts, feelings and images that prevade you. Do something new. Start a new hobby. Buy HT gear. Make female friends. Do Texas and find out about the people, history, etc. My interaction with the natives of TX has always positive as they are good people in general.

    3. Therapy: Don't deny yourself this outlet as most people stuff feelings and never get to the heart of the matter. Being men, we are taught to do this, so if you feel you need to talk to someone, don't be timid about taking this aveune if you are comfortable with it.

    4. Blame: Don't play the blame game with yourself. Many times people play the blame game and take sole responsiblity for the demise of relationships. It takes two people to dance and both are part of the tango when the dance ends. You did your best. If someone does not want to continue the dance, then it's better to get off the dance floor and find another partner who will appreciate your moves.

    5. The pain decreases as time passes, but in the interim, you will be in the shock and awe phase for some time. The aftermath of what you describe is very normal, so you know you are human.

    Someone in the near future will appreciate you for who you are and what you bring to the table. Always keep that in mind as time passes.

    Much luck,
    Charles
     
  15. Tom Roul

    Tom Roul Auditioning

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    Charles, thanks for the kind words. All the things you brought up have been kicking around my head, even though it's been so hard to concentrate on anything. I was 100% devoted. I was skeptical at first. just thought we'd have a fling. 5 and a half yrs later we were engaged and I was hooked! she was "the one"!! keeping busy is the hardest thing to do right now!! all my energy has been sapped by this stupid break up. the worst part was being blindsided. just out of the blue.[​IMG]
     
  16. Erik.Ha

    Erik.Ha Supporting Actor

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    Yeah... That sucks... but better find out now than AFTER you're married with kids...

    Honestly, without sounding too condescending, its probably the best thing that could happen to you... 25 is too young to get married, especially if you're marrying a girl you met when you were 20... People go through so many changes during the 20s that its RARE they are interested in the same people/same things when they hit 30...

    Make the move, meet new people, and then start stalking her....[​IMG]
     
  17. DaveDickey

    DaveDickey Stunt Coordinator

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    Tom,
    That really sucks! The good news: You're 25 years old and you'll definitely find someone else. Actually, it's good that she showed her colors now rather than when you have a mortgage and a kid on the way. I know it's easier said than done, but you should try to consider it a "life experience" and carry on. The bachelor life is quite nice, actually[​IMG]. I got divorced in '96 after an 11 month marriage. I'm still single and loving it. Granted, since you're moving to a new city, you'll need to create a new ring of friends, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

    Tom, whatever you do, do not get back together with her if she seeks reconciliation later on. It will save you immense heartache and wallet-ache when she changes her mind again in 18 months.

    Try not to become too bitter. Life usually has a way of working itself out. Also, get laid ASAP.

    Good luck, Bro' [​IMG] Dave
     
  18. Rob Gillespie

    Rob Gillespie Producer

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    Suck it up, get out there and get on with living.

    Forget any bullshit about there being 'the one'

    Forget any kind of nonsense about 'staying friends'. In 99% of cases it's said to ease the guilt of the dumper.

    Sever all contact with your ex completely and without exception.

    FORCE yourself to join a social or hobby club and meet people to make new friends with.

    I know it sounds harsh, but buttering anything up wont help you at all.
     
  19. Dave Poehlman

    Dave Poehlman Producer

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    Don't dwell on it, Tom. In a few months you'll be asking yourself "what was I thinking looking at houses with her!?!"
     
  20. Joe Szott

    Joe Szott Screenwriter

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    I suggest a huge and immediate rebound as soon as you get to Texas. Hell, kick it off in MA before you leave, after all you're not going to live there anymore. Go out and try to get laid as much as possible, it might be easier than you think once you let go.

    Then move to Texas and get a cowgirl. In six months you won't even remember what's her name...
     

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