How to deal with Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Holadem, Aug 27, 2002.

  1. Holadem

    Holadem Lead Actor

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    I found this definition online:
    Passive-aggressive individuals deal with their anger and frustration by eliciting these feelings in others, thereby appearing to be the victim of the other's irrational behavior.
    That describes my woman to a t. Problem is, I am quick to anger, so it works every time. I get upset, so the problem becomes how angry I got - the classic turnaround. The inital problem, the thing that started it all is, of course, forgotten.
    How the [email protected] do you deal with a person like that? [​IMG]
    --
    Holadem
     
  2. Jagan Seshadri

    Jagan Seshadri Supporting Actor

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    Control your anger response. If you control that, you can maintain control of the situation.

    -JNS
     
  3. Howie D

    Howie D Stunt Coordinator

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    Jagan is correct. I used to get angry with my gf and it would turn around on me. I've learned through the years to be cool and calm. By doing so, you control the situation.
     
  4. Matt Gordon

    Matt Gordon Supporting Actor

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    Howie's right about Jagan's being right (Blazing Saddles reference there!).

    This is a form of manipulation at it's heart, and it's an awfully poor way to communicate. Remember to control the situation, and not let the other person control it.
     
  5. John Gates

    John Gates Second Unit

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    I completely understand why this irritates!

    I would suggest that you talk openly with your girl about how her methods make you feel. In order to do this constructively, you have to control your anger. However, let her know that you value her, that you value your relationship with her, and that you want to explore how you can improve communication, especially when there's a disagreement. This approach will usually let you talk about how you both behave in arguments, but MAKE SURE you are taking responsibility for how you behave. If you come off like it's all HER problem, you'll never get her to understand how her response makes you feel. Admit your own shortcomings to her, then explain how her response makes you feel, and try to reach some new ground rules about how you'll work through problems in the future.

    Man, what a mouthful! :b

    Oh, and one more thing... don't wait until you're arguing to try this. Do it over coffee, at a time when you're connected.

    John G
     
  6. Alex-C

    Alex-C Screenwriter

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  7. PatrickM

    PatrickM Screenwriter

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    I agree with the others. The key is always keeping your cool. That irritates the passive aggressive person immensely. You might want to find some conflict resolution courses you can take. Up here in B.C. the Justice Institute has them for conflict resolution, mediation, etc.

    Patrick
     
  8. JasenP

    JasenP Screenwriter

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    Location:
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    Let me answer you question with a question.
    "What was Fonzie like?" [​IMG]
     
  9. BrianW

    BrianW Cinematographer

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    He (or she) who angers you, controls you.
     
  10. Patrick Sun

    Patrick Sun Moderator
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    Just smile back at them.
     
  11. AllanN

    AllanN Supporting Actor

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    Fear is the path to the dark side... fear leads to anger... anger leads to hate.. hate leads to suffering.
     
  12. Julian Reville

    Julian Reville Screenwriter

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    "Hi, honey, what's wrong? Why don't we sit down here on the sofa and talk about it? I'll rub your feet and you just let it all out."
    That's what I should have said instead of "You want to do WHAT?!! Are you out of your mind? SHIT!!"
    Then she moved out and married somebody else. [​IMG] Poor bastard.
     
  13. Ryan Wright

    Ryan Wright Screenwriter

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  14. Sarah S

    Sarah S Second Unit

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    Have you met her family? My mom raised passive-aggressiveness to an art form. Perhaps she is just dealing with the problem the way she has been taught. Just keep your cool & she should calm down eventually.
     
  15. JohnRice

    JohnRice Lead Actor

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    Holadem,

    You sound like you are in a classic codependent relationship. One important thing. You don't say whether your "woman" is a wife or not. That is a critical piece of information. The quick and painful bit is that it is probably not a coincidence that you are quick to anger and she is passive-aggressive. This is what brings you together, but it is not healthy. You are feeding off each others worst aspects.

    So, why do I recognize this? Because I've been through it myself. I can be quick to anger and my ex wife definitely thrived on that. I started learning not to fall for her traps, and it most definitely did not improve things. Nothing made her more furious than when I reacted to her with patience and kindness. Nothing made her "happier" than when she succeeded in getting me to over react.

    Odds are, if either of you addresses and starts solving your problem with interaction, there will no longer be what the relationship was based on and it will fall apart. Despite how it may sound, it ultimately is a good thing for the person who becomes more healthy. Unfortunately, giving up those habits is very difficult and painful.

    Oh yeah. How do you deal with a passive-aggressive person? Unless they change, and I mean genuinely change, you basically don't. For a person who has made this a way of life, their existence is a series of manipulations. Subconsciously, they think this is the way life is lived. It is such a basic element of their existence, that changing it is changing the entire foundation of their life. Not many people ever succeed at doing that, though an awful lot think they do.
     
  16. Holadem

    Holadem Lead Actor

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  17. Agee Bassett

    Agee Bassett Supporting Actor

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  18. Holadem

    Holadem Lead Actor

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  19. PatrickM

    PatrickM Screenwriter

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    Holadem, in the end your much better off. A relationship cannot last without communication especially when times are tough. Its easy to be nice when things are easy but a true test of a person's character comes when things are tough.

    Patrick
     

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