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How important is sex in a marriage? (1 Viewer)

Philip Hamm

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Kevin, No, #3 was correct to some extent IMO. Can't discuss it anymore without breaking forum rules.
 

Mark Zimmer

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For starters, 21 and 23 and never having been with anyone else is too young to decide that you're 'soulmates.' Get that ridiculous concept out of your head before you dive into a commitment and god forbid kids with some delusional Romanticized notion about life.

Second, is she on any other meds? Tons of antidepressants will squelch the libido completely. There are also some that don't, and people react differently.

Third, listen to the little voice telling you something's wrong. You will never regret it. Your subconscious is smarter than you are.

Fourth, marry this woman and you may never have sex again. Enjoy your right hand. ;)
 

Philip Hamm

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For starters, 21 and 23 and never having been with anyone else is too young to decide that you're 'soulmates.' Get that ridiculous concept out of your head before you dive into a commitment and god forbid kids with some delusional Romanticized notion about life.
This, though stated condescendingly as fact, is just Mark Zimmer's opinion, and one that I strongly disagree with. The idea that you "need to be with someone else" sexually in order to be able to regognize who your soulmate is insulting at best. (Personally I find the concept repulsive)
 

Nick_G

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is sex important in my relationship? no, but love is, which leads to wonderful sex with my wife.

(ssshhh...don't tell my wife!!) i get my **** sucked 4-5 times a week NOT because of sexual urges but because i LOVE my wife and think she is more beautiful and sexier than 24 years ago and LOVE her as my wife, friend, and partner MORE than ever and she feels the same way which is why she is MORE THAN WILLING to love me in the same respect.

sex is nothing, but if you LOVE each other it's greater than ANY fling you can have with anyone else.
 

Jeff Ulmer

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The idea that you "need to be with someone else" sexually in order to be able to regognize who your soulmate is insulting at best.
I don't think Mark was referring to sex. Assuming that the first person you have a relationship with is your soulmate, especially at that young an age, and with the obviously differing opinions on an important part of the relationship, is more than a bit naive. From the sounds of things, the soulmate part is more wishful thinking than reality.

It is important to remember that people change over time. What seems perfect at 20 does not necessarily ring true at 30 or 40. You may find it condescending when someone older tells you that you don't know what you're talking about when you're younger, but that view is based on life experience, and being able to analyse one's own thought processes as a young person, and seeing that there were many areas that you were completely wrong about. I wouldn't discount someone's opinion just because it doesn't meet your view of things, they may know what they are talking about.
 

Philip Hamm

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No matter what it is always inapropriate to state one's opinions as fact, and in such a condescending manner.

I don't think anyone has any right to tell people the foruma for "finding your soul mate". Recommendations are good, but it's going to be different for everyone. Everyone has to find out their own way.
 

Jason_Els

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Jeffrey,

I've been reading and re-reading all your posts and I will tell you her actions are classic passive/aggressive. Her father is the dominating member in the relationship while her mother feels frustrated by her perceived lack of power and low self-esteem so uses sex as a means of controlling her husband to get what she wants. That relationship has made her appear frigid to her husband and he unworthy of her because he gives in to it. I can't imagine the tensions boiling under their cool exteriors all these years.

What your fiancee has learned (subconsciously or not) is to use sex as a means of controlling you. She doesn't talk things out because any threat to her sexual control is seen as an attack upon how the relationship is supposed to work. Somewhere in her head she believes this is how things are supposed to be. Talking isn't part of the program (just as it isn't in her parents' house).

I daresay the feelings of dirtiness come from her mother's using sex as part of her method of gaining spousal parity. Her mother, "giving in" to her father's needs is a failure on her part and so it not only disappoints her but makes her feel used because it's not an act of love for her.

In this type of relationship it is very frequent that the situation gets worse after marriage because the state of being married helps to keep you in the relationship external of anything else you may feel toward her. In other words, marriage will help keep her more in control.

This behavior is classically learned and can be hard to break particularly when the one spouse doesn't acknowledge its existence much less talk about it.

She may be your soulmate. I won't question that, but sexual behaviors are learned subliminally and most directly from our parents and in that aspect of marriage she is most likely to imitate her mother's role (unconsciously). It is very important that this aspect of your relationship be addressed and discussed because, as you can see from her parents' marriage, the tensions in the bedroom will seep into every other aspect of your life. Resentment goes a long way to making people feel like victims.

I will firmly say, find a good counselor and go to joint counseling. Explain to her your reasons for this and if she starts doing the turn-around on you tell her your concerns. She probably knows how to push all your buttons but do yourself a big favor and realize she's just mimicking an unhealthy role-model in doing so. Don't take it personally. Emphasize the counseling will be joint and she's 50% of the relationship so it will not all be about "fixing" her. Find someone who is experienced in marital counseling.

If she is your soulmate then you have to nip this in the bud. Don't go years in an unhappy marriage like her parents have.
 

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