How do you cope? parent with cancer. (1 Viewer)

[Angelo.M]

Let me also extend my best wishes.

It occurs to me as I write this that I have never really come to terms with the breast cancer in my own family. My mother has it, and my aunt died from it, and I have trouble even forming the thoughts in my head when trying to think about it. A family's experience with this disease--or any chronic disease, for that matter--is so far beyond normal human experience so as to become surreal in a way that defies easy explanation.

When you have the time, find a copy of Arthur Kleinman's The Illness Narratives. I have turned to this book many times in an attempt to make some sense of the experience. Forgive me if this sounds like over-intellectualization; it is.

 

[brentl]

Angelo Make sure she gets checked every year, and don't let them put a cough off as simply a cough. If they had of caught my Mom a year earlier she may have been treatable.

Brent

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Not to say this is not true, but my experience was the complete opposite. My friends used to ask me "How do you deal with it" and my reply would just be "I don't really think of it, I just do it". It seemed to be very normal for me. I think if I had the time to dwell on what was happening, I could have over intellectualized it or played the "why me" game until I got myself in a funk. But I just accepted it as a fact of life, knew what I had to do, and did it. I did not want any accolades and it did not make me "special" (a lot of my friends called me a "special" person for dealing with my dad's illness). I just saw it as a job to be done and that job was to make his passing into the next phase as easy as possible. It really came very easy as soon as I got away from "why is this happening" question and on to the "how can I make this easiest for him" question. Maybe I just dealt with it easier than most, but it really came naturally to me. I think my research of his type of cancer and the finality of the "death sentence" of pancreatic cancer helped me to get over the initial shock and accept the inevitable, thus allowing me to deal with it sooner and more efficiently. Hope for the best and accept the worst was my daily mantra and I think it served me well.

Note: this is not to say that I did not have bad days. Near the end I was sleeping about 2-3 hours a night and I was very rundown. Caring for a loved one is tough work and be sure to get rest and time away if you are in this role. Better yet, split up the duties among those that are emotionally and physically able to handle them (don't sit the emotional wreck down to talk with them at length, don't have the physically weak one drive them to appointments and don't have the squeamish one sit in on treatments or the aftermath of treatments). By all means, take help when you need it and even when you don't. At least you'll know you are not alone.

 

[Lew Crippen]

Along with the others, let me express my deepest sympathies. After my mother died about a year ago (of the effects of a stroke a few years before), neither my wife nor I have any of our parents left, so I do understand your grief.

There is nothing that I can write to prepare you for this—I can only strongly recommend that you spend as much time as possible with your mother in the days ahead. By this I mean to spend as much time as you are able (which may be more or less than others are able—Zen makes a good point as to how each of us deals with these situations differently).

My best wishes.

 

[Joe Spratley]

Brent,
You may want to check out Dr. Day's site www.drday.com for alternatives to the chemo.

 

[Claude M]

hang in there brent. I lost both my rents to CA. pop in 91 and mom last feb. I never got over it, just learned to deal with it. it sucks brother, prayers sent to you, mom, and family.

 

[Geraldine/F/M]

I lost my brother to cancer(liver/spleen) in 1985. I was so angry at everything and everyone. My bro, Mike (Michiko) was 15yrs older and just the coolest guy for a little girl to have. He had cerebral palsy and was slightly mentally retarded. But he could draw great animal pics. I still have a dragon, painted green and purple at my request. When they diagnosed the cancer, I thought WHY? WHAT COULD THIS GENTLE GUY DONE TO DESERVE THIS? WASN'T THE CP AND MENTAL RETARDATION ENOUGH?

Mike didn't stay with us long after the diagnosis, just 6 weeks. He slept a lot. When he was awake, I'd draw for him. Believe me, I suck at drawing. Toward the end, I pasted the drawings to cardboard and then cut them out. Mike's favorite place to sleep was a recliner in the living room. The pictures were taped to the wall and placed on the table next to him.

Perhaps you can do something like this for your mother. Some potted plants arranged into "gardens" in her room.
Or pictures of flowers taped to the wall.

My prayers are with you and your family

 

[brentl]

Thanks Geraldine!

Seems like my Mom went through a few days where she barely slept, and along with her my Dad was up too. Strange that she seems to be getting some colour back, although she's still quite yellow.

Feet are really balloned up, even a diaretic doesn't help.

I love the fact that I moved home a few years ago to pay off some debts, I got to see a lot more of my mother than my sisters did. I just wish I had more freedom, I feel like I'm 15 again!

Since my sisters are over I'll be going out for the day. My dad just went to a movie, and I'm going to some stores to window shop. I'll go visit a couple of friends on Monday.

Still hard to believe that only 2 months ago she was working in her garden! Weird!

I'm a little more at ease with the situation now. We had a Naturopathic nurse in and when she was done I drove her home(don't ask). We talked, and she said how she amazed at how well I know myself and how comfortable I seem to be with myself. It's strange, but the little talk calmed me down a lot.

B

 

[DonnyD]

Cancer is a terrible disease and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
At this time, my GF of 10 years has battled breast cancer all summer. When diagnosed, it had already mestasized to her liver and spine/ribs. Prognosis was and still is terminal. Months of chemo resulted in her liver tumor growing 50% and a new site was found in her lung. New chemo was began a couple of weeks ago.
The toughest thing of all is the son we had together.... he's 8 and was born with a form of celebral palsy (hemiplegia). Our lives have pretty much revolved around him and he has won most of his battle in dealing with his disability. It saddens me so much to see that she can't hug and snuggle with him now due to the pain.

This is a tough thread to read, as it echoes the pain felt when our loved ones pass on. I've lost parents at a young age but I've never had to watch a loved one die as my GF is. All we can do is pray for peace and comfort.

 

[brentl]

I feel like an F'n traitor!!!

My Mom made it known that she didn't want to die in a hospital, but she has gotten so bad that I don't think my Dad and I can care for her.

In the last 2 weeks she has gotten so weak that as of Thursday she couldn't walk without help and as of Saturday she needed help eating. The worst thing came yesterday. It's at the point that my Mom has a toilet in the bedroom. My Dad was helping her yesterday when my Mom went limp. She lost all strength and needed to be carried to the bed. She couldn't even hold her head. We thought it was the end, and most of us were nearly histerical. we had to change her a decided we HAD to put a diaper on her. You'll never understand how hard that is unless you've done it!!!!!

So now are at the point where she opened her eyes, and had a few drinks of Cran/raspberry juice this morning. I know she's saying don't put me in hospital, but that was before she got this bad, and I'm not even sure she thought she'd get this bad

She raised me and cared for me for 36 years and we can't care for her for a 7-10 days. I'm suggesting she needs to go to a hospital even when it's against her wishes. I feel like such a traitor, but I honestly don't think we can care for her here.

I'd like to thank everybody for their wishes and the people that told me their stories, it has helped greatly.

If I can say one thing, tell your family how you feel about them today!

B

 

[Pamela]

I'm so sorry Brent.



Have you checked into home hospice? They can provide her care at home. They are wonderful.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

That's an excellent suggestion and it is covered by many health plans.

Brent, my dad was the complete opposite, he had no intentions of dying at home and wanted to stay in the hospital. My afore mentioned sister was insisting that he come home to die, even going so far as attempting to remove his IV and "wheel him out of this place".

I would look into hospice but if it is not available, do what's best for your mom. If this means moving her to the hospital, by all means do it and do not look back on your decision. I have said before that people can only handle what they can handle and if seeking help from hospice or a hospital is what you need, your mom will understand. Adhere to her terms as much as you can and try to tough it out. If you can't, gently explain to her why. Trust me, she'll understand.

 

[brentl]

"Have you checked into home hospice" looked into it, but they limit things they do and hours they can work although it's no charge.

You know it's bad when my Dad(6' 200lbs) and me(6'2 300lbs) cna't handle a 5'2" 150 pound woman.

They say it's "darkest before the light", and now I see what they mean.

I need to look forward too, I have a great family that will be there for everybody else. It was put best in Les Miserable(although taken out of context here),

"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise"

Brent

 

[Bill Williams]

It is a difficult decision indeed, Brent. I can definitely understand what you're going through.

When my dad began to succumb to strokes and Parkinson's, my mother (a retired nurse) and I decided that he was not going into a nursing home, not at any cost. At $3000-$4000+ a month, that can bankrupt a family in a couple of years, and some of the nursing homes I've been to have resembled more like dumping grounds than a health care facility. And we didn't have the benefit of other family members around with us; it was just the two of us.

And it does become exceedingly difficult when you're having to lift your parent, and their body weight becomes much more than you can take. At the time my dad was sick, I was teaching school at the time, and the school's gym coach put me on a regimented weightlifting program to build up my upper arm and body mass so I could help lift my dad up and out of his bed, into his wheelchair, into the bathtub, onto the toilet, etc. My mother's weight plummeted to 86 pounds at one point during the six-year ordeal, and I'm 6'4" and 225 pounds, and my dad weighed at the most during his sickness 160 pounds. This was at the time when he could sit up for a few hours and could be wheeled into the kitchen to eat. I also became, in essence, a nurse to my dad, helping to rotate him, change his clothes, clean him up, put on his pediatric diapers, position him, even changing his bed when he was up. And he was partly paralyzed. I went through it all. It was in the last seven months of his life that he spiraled downhill and couldn't sit up at all, and he remained in his bed until he passed away.

During all that time he went to the hospital numerous times as a result of dehydration, major strokes, and hernia surgery, to name a few. We didn't want him to remain in a hospital unless it was a major surgery, and we didn't want him in home hospice care. The only backup contingency plan we had was that if something happened to my mother, and she passed away first or couldn't be in any shape to take care of my dad, I would put him in the V.A. hospital. (My dad was a WWII veteran, so he qualified for going into the V.A. hospital if we wanted to put him there.)

We wound up getting him in home hospice care because I knew a woman who at that time went to my church, and she was the director of the hospice, and we were able to get him into home hospice care. That definitely relieved us of a measure of stress in taking care of my dad 24-7, though it didn't rid us of it completely. We still dealt with it no matter what.

I guess I'm sharing all this because I really can sympathize with where you are. You and your dad must not only take care of your mom, but the two of you must make a decision that will benefit you, her, and the entire family. Whatever her wishes are, definitely keep them in consideration as you make your health care arrangements. And if it's a decision that you believe is the right one to make, though she may say otherwise, make your decision and stick with it.

Just know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers at this time.

 

[brentl]

Thanks Bill;

We decided to get her to hospital, the Ambulance was called, but before it could arrive my mother passed away(1:20 p.m.).

I guess when she said she didn't want to go to hospital she meant it!

It's weird but we had a family gathering on Sunday and I guess she realized we'ed be OK after that event!

Brent

 

[Steve Tannehill]

You have my deepest condolences, Brent.

- Steve

 

[Zen Butler]

Brent, man. Bro, this is heavy, my heart goes out to your family.

 

[Pamela]

Brent, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

 

[Ricardo C]

My condolences, Brent. May she rest in peace, and may you and your family find peace as well. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

My deepest sympathies, Brent. Keep your spirits up and know that you did a great thing helping her. Celebrate her life and any time you get down, think of a time when she made you laugh, it really helps me and my family to remember how funny my dad was.



It often happens that way. Take solace in this, it really helps to know that she was feeling good about your future.