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Hilariously stupid lawyer questions

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by RobertR, Apr 17, 2002.

  1. RobertR

    RobertR Lead Actor

    Dec 19, 1998
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    The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

    1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person

    dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes

    quietly away and doesn't know anything about it

    until the next morning?

    2. Q: What happened then?

    A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because

    you can identify me.'

    Q: Did he kill you?

    3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

    4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    5. Were you alone or by yourself?

    6. Q: What is your date of birth?

    A: July first

    Q: What year?

    A: Every year.

    7. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    A: Oral.

    8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize

    that picture.

    A: That's me.

    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

    9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

    10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage


    A: By death.

    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

    A: I'll be three months on November 8.

    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

    A: Yes.

    Q: What were you doing at that time?

    12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

    A: I used to be.

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    13. So you were gone until you returned?

    14. Q: She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there girls?

    15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what

    it looked like, but can you describe it?

    16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of

    unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself

    and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next


    18. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    19. Have you ever thought of committing involuntary manslaughter?

    20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,

    hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender....

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q: How long has he lived with you?

    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q: And why did that upset you?

    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?

    A: Approximately milepost 499.

    Q: And where is milepost 499?

    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A: After the accident?

    Q: Before the accident.

    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

    A: We both do.

    Q: Voodoo?

    A: We do.

    Q: You do?

    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

    A: Yes, sir.

    Q: What did she say?

    A: What disco am I at?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A: I went to Europe, Sir.

    Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?

    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for breathing?

    A: No.

    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    A: No.

    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
  2. David Lawson

    David Lawson Screenwriter

    Sep 11, 2000
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    Cincinnati, OH
    Real Name:
    David Lawson
    I don't believe the last two for a second, but they still crack me up every time someone forwards this e-mail to me. [​IMG]
  3. MickeS

    MickeS Producer

    Jul 24, 2000
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    I don't believe they're true, but man that was the funniest stuff I've read in a long time! [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
    I love this one especially (sounds like something Grouch Marx mightb have said, by the way):
    7. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

  4. Trace Downing

    Trace Downing Supporting Actor

    Aug 19, 1999
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    Tampa Bay
    Real Name:
    Trace Downing
    I never heard of these before.
    I got this one yesterday...
    A mafia Godfather finds out that his deaf underling screwed him out of ten million bucks. So he brought along his attorney, who knows sign language.
    The Godfather asks, "Where's my money you stole from me?" The attorney translates it into sign.
    The underling signs back, "I don't know what your talking about."
    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "he says he doesn't know what your talking about."
    The Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol and points it at the underling's temple, and cocks it, and tells the lawyer to ask him again.
    The attorney signs the question again, and adds, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him."
    The underling signs back, "OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
    The Godfather asks, "What did he say?"
    The attorney replies, "He says, 'you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
  5. MikeF

    MikeF Stunt Coordinator

    Oct 17, 2000
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    A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and three boy scouts are in a plane that is going to crash. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes on the plane.

    The doctor says, "Let the kids have them. We've had a long and good life, they have yet to live."

    The lawyer replies, "Screw the kids."

    The priest quickly sits up and says, "Do we have time?"
  6. Alex-C

    Alex-C Screenwriter

    Apr 18, 2000
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    Heard this one today.

    2 guys are golfing behind 2 women. As they approach the tee they notice one of the women is knocked out on the fairway.

    As they approach her, the other woman attending to the one on the fairway tells them "She got hit by a ball !"

    "Where did she get hit ?" ask the guys.

    "Between the first and second hole."
  7. BrettB

    BrettB Producer

    Feb 1, 2001
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