help with dealing with my brother (1 Viewer)

[Henry Gale]

Well, I know you Marine recruiters mean well, heck it might even work.
I joined the Corps as a very restless & immature 17 year old. It was the summer of '64 and if you were not paying attention (and 75% of Americans weren't) you could have thought you were going into peacetime service. Two months later the Tonken Gulf [fantasy] changed all that.
I have real issues with being an LBJ pawn.
So let's think twice about the Marine Corps as therapy. I know plenty of fucked up former Marines. I'll bet we can all name some infamous ones.

 

[JamieD]

One is that your brother is gay and is trying to fight it, or, and this I think is more likely, he was molested in some way years ago, and his anger and confusion are coming to the forefront now.

While certainly a possibility, and something that crossed my mind, especially considering how much problems he has with his parents, this doesn't seem as likely as other serious mental health issues.

Leila, your folks have become enablers, and good luck at breaking him out of it.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I've been thinking this over a lot during the past few days.

Some of these posts were very hard to read but evenso, I still very much appreciate them.

I've also not heard from my brother or the Air Force the past few days so I'm going to assume things are going better.

I've suspected he has some sort of mental illness for quite a while. Bi-polar seems the most obvious to me but none of the psychologists seem to think so. The next time I am able, I will try to convince him to see somebody again. I think he also struggles with intense anxiety and possibly panic attacks. Most of his lack of direction seems to stem from fear, as if it's just easier not to do anything and hope it all goes away. He most certainly has been escaping life by excessive movie watching and video game playing. As far as drugs are concerned, I just don't know. There hasn't been any evidence of abuse but at the same time, I know erratic behaviour is often due to drug abuse and is often used as a way to escape life. I just don't know.

My brother is intelligent but I wouldn't say he's a genius. He's somewhat deluded into thinking he is, though. Like with school, he always assumed he'll ace every test and get perfect scores on every assignment without studying. He's intelligent enough to do reasonably well on exams, but he lacked any motivation to do homework. That's why he failed all his classes. But the unwillingness to study or do homework has been a problem ever since kindergarten (where he wouldn't even draw a picture or say the alphabet with the class). A few times during his schooling teachers thought he might be ADHD or have a learning disabililty, which is what prompted all the IQ and achievement tests. After several different evaluations they said he's of high intelligence and normal learning abilities. When he wants to do something he is highly motivated and successful. The problem is, all the mundane work that is part of adult life isn't very fun and so he isn't motivated to do it. The results of the MMPI (a personality test) revealed him good in technical fields. He really wanted to become an engineer but it seems he thought college would be easy and he wouldn't have to go to school or study.

My brother has already committed himself to the Air Force. While my parents basically forced him out of the house, they wanted him to feel he has a choice in what exactly he does. His choice was to join the Air Force and he is, or at least was, happy with his decision. He was very excited and just kept saying "finally, I get to make a decision with my life" (as if he was unable to do anything until then). Forcing him to get out of the house and do something with his life is one thing, but forcing him into a specific branch of the military probably wasn't necessary. But I don't know, we'll see.

He's never really had a girlfriend or really, any female friends. There were two or three over the years but they'd mostly be girlfriends of his friends. The thought that he's gay has certainly crossed my mind but I don't want to jump to conclusions. He appears quite macho, but I also know that a lot of young gay men first are overly macho in order in an attempt to compensate. Am I wrong about this? But then again, neither of my parents dated much before marriage so he could just very well be like my dad. As far as molestation, I suppose it's possible. I wouldn't know when or who, though, but that doesn't discount the possibility.

Okay, I know (from purely and academic stance) that my parents were enabling him. From an emotion stance, though, I feel heartbroken. What I've been grappling with for the past few days is exactly where the line of enablement is drawn. At what age did my parents go from being loving, caring parents to creating a monster? At what age should my brother have been removed from the home and put into a treatment facility? How bad does it have to get before it becomes bad enough for intervention? Where did my parents go wrong and what should they have done differently? How do you force a teenager to do something they don't want to do (talk to a psychologist, take medication, go to school, etc)?

I'm sad because I think my parents are good people and I don't want to think of them in such negative light.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Oh, I just wanted to add that I did some research into the emancipation laws of my state (New Mexico). It seems that by entering active-duty military, he has been emancipated. Some states offer a provision that if a child graduates HS before 18 then they are automatically emancipated, but not so in my state. At least with the military he is. In that light, he will not, absolutely, positively return to live with my parents. Whatever he makes of his life from here on out is his decision.

 

[Ted Lee]

what exactly is the definition of an "enabler"? is that a parent who over-coddles or something?

Where did my parents go wrong and what should they have done differently?

who says it's your parents fault? it sounds to me like they just tried to do their best. parents aren't given a manual on how to raise kids. look at yourself leila - you've obviously turned out well adjusted ... right?

i don't think in this kind of situation we can say it's really anyones fault. it's just one of those unfortunate things that happens.

try not to blame your parents too much. yeah, maybe they could have done things differently, but can you do when you're in the situation like that? i'm sure it's not very easy to think clearly or rationally.

after all, it is their son...

anyway, best of luck with the whole situation.

oh yeah, one more thing...if necessary, you're going to have to walk away from this whole thing. you have your own life now too, with your own family. that may be the toughest decision of all.

 

[AllanN]

Someone with military expierence will probiably know this but are you on active status while in basic or tech school? Or do you not get active status until your first assingment starts? Figured you might want that question asked, there is always some loophole for everything out there.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Thank you, Ted. Yes, I turned out just fine

I have to remember that it's not my problem, nor is it my parent's problem anymore. That is tough, you're right.

Definition of enabler:

one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior

I still go back and forth on how much they've enabled him up until this point, but it's crystal clear that if they were to take him back they *really* would be.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Someone will definitely have to confirm this, but it's been my understanding that active-duty begins when he gets shipped off to Basic. The day he left the Air Force took custody of him and the only way he can get out know is to be discharged (ie, the deal has been made and he can't get out easily).

 

[Mark Romero]

Active duty starts the day you arrive.

No, it is not easy to get out of the military once you have joined. In basic training, you will be made a complete fool in front of everybody if you decide you don't want to run or do pushups. You may end up in the brig. You may also end up in a psych ward. You can't sign the papers and then decide this ain't for me and get out. It doesn't work.

 

[MattBu]

If worse comes to work and your brother flunks out of basic, they will make him repeat basic before they kick him out. I agree that the Marines might have been tougher on him, but it's 2003 - there isn't an armed service that can make you do anything.

Leila-

Reading about your brother reminds me a LOT of myself, at least academically. I too thought that superior intellect would get me through college, though I did attend class at least occasionally. I graduated HS at 17 after skipping an earlier grade and my biggest advice to you is "Don't give up on him", the worst thing you can do is make your brother feel like your family has turned their back on him. I have matured a LOT since I was 17 and finally graduated college at age 24, but I did it and the important thing is that you support your brother as he struggles with what I can almost GUARANTEE is depression. I wouldn't jump to conclusion that he's using drugs, I don't even drink and I exhibited many of his same erratic behaviors. Does your brother sleep odd hours? Eat at innapropriate times or at least at times when your family is guaranteed not to be eating? Because to me it just sounds like part of the social dysfunction that many times accompanies depression. I think the Air Force could be a good thing for your brother, or it could be a bad thing in that he feels isolated. Have you written him a letter? I know around the 3rd week of basic they can start to recieve mail.

 

[ChrisHeflen]

I have a brother who is the exact same. I mean to a tee!
Except that he is 40. He is the oldest in the family. I am 33 and my sister is 35.
He is very talented in construction. He can build pretty much anything. His work has been featured on the cover on consruction magazines.
His I don't "wanna do that anymore" has lasted the last 10 years. Since then he has mooched off my retired single mom. Drained her of all her retirement, almost got her kicked out of her apartment, threatens her, then would take her to dinner, etc.... We have been very supportive as a family and tried to find him job after job that he just ends up getting let go from or "somehow" ousted.
My mom lives in a 55 and older place so he can't stay there for more than 3 days. Well, he hid out there for like 3 months unitl he got finally caught. They threaten my mom with eviction and he doesn't care. She even changed the locks but then he sat on the lawn and yelled obsenities til she let him in before the cops were called by somebody.
We have no idea what to do for him either and I've only told you the half of it. He sleeps all day. The money he gets is to buy computer games. It's all to escape a life he could be so good at if he could just wake up.
When he does work he gets the highest accolades. But then loses the job after 3 weeks.
I agree with MattB. about the depression. We also see no signs of drugs or alcohol. He just doens't wanna work even though he says he does. Hell, he could be supporting all of his with his talents.
Everything he touches turns to crap.
He is still in this funk, but recently had to go to jail because of out of date car tabs. He spent one nite and then they had a hearing and gave hime some community service and worked out a plan to pay off $7000.00 in traffic violations. Then the attorney and judge took him aside and totally built him up and said they were there to help him anyway they can. They reduced his bill to $2000.00 and worked out a payment plan. How cool is that?
Now he is a different person (for now) and he is trying to work to pay off his traffic fines. he kinda has this attitude that the world is after him. The kindness he received at the courthouse as for now dispelled that thankfully.
But we are all sitting here wondering how long this will last.

Sorry it's this is so random, but Leila I feel for you completely.

 

[BertFalasco]

Leila, your post hits home for me, emotionally. Life is a complex entity, you know? Everyone has problems, moreso than others, but every does in fact have them. Each and everyone of us endure situations that lead up to breakdowns, etc (just like when you blow up at someone, that "someone" is the trigger of the past situations of frustration and no one understands you unless you are in your own perspective, you follow?) and it is just that. No one can really explain themselves cleary and properly, peoples' problems, I believe, cannot thoroughly be explained unless you are them, period.

I was born in Orlando, had the greatest life, dad was a doctor, mom was and still is the greatest ever, she is perfect all around and she serves this country and risks her life doing what she does. My brother, too, crossed boundaries, missed his 16th b-day due to not so smart decisions, and has done SO MANY things that were just illegitemate...but forgiveable, remember that, but you know what? Through his tribes and tribulations he learned from his mistakes. He now has a family at age 21, a family who loves him, and that is really all that matters. My dad, Dr. Norbert M. Falasco was addicted to hydrocodine and other easy-to-get drugs (for him) and put them in me and my whole family's name and has done so many things to harm my family in any and every way possible. I am not even scratching the surface with my background, because this is about you and your family. You will get through this, there will be a brighter tomorrow, perhaps not "tomorrow" but in this lifetime.

Take a look at 50 Cent for example, a thug thriving to make it. He endured his own tribes and tribulations, look where he has ended up, he may rap thuggish and such because it sells. But in any given neutral interview, he is happy! Do you know why? Because he has nothing to regret now...He has been through his hell and has liberated himself from it. One of few things anyone can take from an individual is faith, in anything..anything you believe in.

Regardless of religion, you can't ask yourself "Why me?" You just can't, it has to be someone.(Why does it 'have' to be you ask? Perhaps one of the many testamens of life?) It was you because someone had to fulfill this scenario...

I wrote a piece of myself here in this thread. Something I contemplated, but I feel it is for the greater good.

Best Wishes

Bert Falasco

 

[Eric_L]

Please don't 'look at your parents in a bad light'. They have a difficult situation which nobody can truly understand unless they have been in it.

There is nothing wrong with you or your parents. Your brother has issues.

(and I am glad to hear that he has re-embraced the airforce - the first few weeks are the toughtest!)

Your concern is merited. However, at the end of the day your life is measured not by how you handle other peoples problems - but how you handle your own.

Good luck.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Thank you all for sharing your stories as difficult as it may have been. I have faith that things will turn out for the best. Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic but until I'm proved wrong, I think it's for the best.

I still have not heard from my brother so I'm still going to assume things are better. Hopefully we'll hear from him as soon as he's able to call. I also talked to my Mom briefly via email and told her some of the major points from this thread. She readily agreed and when she gets back from the cruise I'm sure we'll talk at about it at length.

I will be sure to come back and update this thread as soon as I have more news.

Thank you all, again, for being very supportive.

 

[Tab Nichols]

As was stated earlier, I think a great thing that you could do for your brother, is write him a letter. I was once similar to this young man you describe, and I know someone else who is even more like him.

Both of us would loved to have recieved a letter from someone we cared about. Stroke his ego a little bit, make sure he knows you support him in what hes doing, and that you know he can do it. Dont bring up any of the bad stuff. He will love you forever for it.

He knows what hes done wrong, and knows that he wants to be successful... maybe hes just not sure how to get there. Maybe he doesnt even know where "where" is!

Other than that, just let him be. Theres no point in causing an arguement, or causing him to lash out. After all, no matter where he ends up, hes still your brother right? Youre still going to love him right? Obviously you care about him deeply, or you wouldnt be this worried over him.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Tab, I'd love to write a letter to him. At the moment he hasn't called home to give us his address. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to or they won't let him, but from everything I've read they usually allow one very short call in the beginning to give family the address. As soon as he decides to tell use how to contact him, I'll surely send him a letter or two or three.

 

[Tom Meyer]

can't you get the address of the base from the Air Force ? It's not like a basic training camp is top secret.

edit: LAFB Post Office: 210-671-3744. I'm sure they'd give you the address if you asked.

also: from http://www.lackland.af.mil/home/FAQ.HTM. He definitely can/could make a call or send the info packet. He's apparently done neither, unfortunately :frowning:

7. I have not heard from my child?
It might sound funny but no news is good news. The Training Instructors have the trainee fill out a Visitor Information Package when they arrive. The Training Instructor cannot make the trainee send it to a particular person. If you have not heard from your child check with a friend, girl friend or other relative before you panic. Also within the first week your trainee is given a phone call and as with the address they cannot make them call a particular person so please check with other loved ones before you panic.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Sure, I could do some research and figure out his address, but truthfully I'm not sure I want to do that. My point is that if he truly wanted support he'd have given the information himself. His refusal to call just means we aren't high enough on his list of priorities and in that case, I'm not going to go out of my way to do something he doesn't think he wants. If/When he gives us an address I will be more than glad to write him but he's got to show us he cares enough first.

 

[Greg_R]

If/When he gives us an address I will be more than glad to write him but he's got to show us he cares enough first.

It's time for you to be the bigger person and write the first letter (as mentioned above, make it supportive). Even if your brother has made significant progress, he probably is too embarrassed by his prior behavior to write you or your parents.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Here's an update:

My brother is getting a medical discharge.

I did find out what his address is and sent him a letter but he hadn't gotten it yet. He just called my mom and told her that he's coming home. Apparently he said it was too stressful and he couldn't do the running or handle the yelling. They gave him and evaluation and said that given his history, he may be a little depressed. So the woman he saw advised that he ask for a medical discharge, which he was granted.

And so the saga continues. I've made up my mind that I just cannot leave myself so involved in this mess. My mom said he's coming back to live at home and will try going to a community college and work a part-time job. While she said she won't give him money, she will pay for his schooling and let him live at home. Argh! If he doesn't have any bills (rent, food, etc) to pay, is given a car and his school is paid for, what does he need to work for? I mean, he'll probably get a job but there will be little incentive to keep it. Here we go again. . nothing's going to change as far as I can tell.