Help me keep my wits (HTF Dating Thread #9042) (1 Viewer)

[Derek Miner]

Just as soon as you think they've gone away, someone like me comes back in and puts another one up. Yes, it's another dating/relationship thread. Seriously, though, I enjoy reading the responses from the guys and gals that chime in to offer advice to the more socially challenged members (such as myself).
Last time I posted, I was agonizing over chatting up someone I didn't really know. I came out of that one a better person, though she was already taken.
But now, I've run into someone that I had met previously, and in Kevin Smith parlance, I felt we "shared a moment." Not on the level of defining the rest of my life, mind you, just a very intense feeling of compatibility and understanding stemming from long conversation.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, let the infatuation begin.
You see, this is the point where I become a shattered man, trying my darndest to maintain composure. To be brutally honest, my experience at this stage is nearly none. I want to steer myself through the craziness of this first stage so that I can actually get to the point where I can be comfortable around this woman and figure out if something is happening. That's why I'm appealing to the wizened elders of the After Hours Lounge to impart soothing advice to help me keep my wits and make the best decisions until I can think straight.
Here's where I stand. At one point in my conversation with this lovely lady, she gave me her email address and said I should write her so she can send me a cool link. Because this was a gathering of some friends, I didn't feel comfortable trying the really forward "Hey, let's go out" thing. But she did bring up Breakfast at Tiffany's which, unbeknownst to her, was screening in town this weekend. I let on that I was going (never saw it before) and it would be great if she could go, too. Alas, she was working.
But when I got back from the movie, I made sure to drop her an email and tell her that I enjoyed it. I actually felt like I should try something at this point, so I upped the ante and said I had a couple days off, and that she had told me about a problem with her coumputer that I might be able to fix. Her email back was fairly long and conversational, continuing the same flirty tone from our conversation the other night.
She thanked me for writing a "real email" and not a "two-liner."
She responded to all the comments I wrote except the one about getting together to look into her computer problem.
See, my mind races at the thought... she could be playing hard to get, or this could be a polite indicator to back off. It seems to me my next move will have to be a little more aggressive. I don't want to keep this so tame that it dissolves into oblivion, but I don't want to push so much that I scare her away.
Please, stop my head from spinning!
I feel that if I can get through the first few volleys of this game and be comfortable, things will proceed more naturally. But right now, I'm totally volatile and run by hormones.

 

[Brian Harnish]

I think you should read the articles over at http://www.sosuave.com. Also, visit the Don Juan forums there for some really good advice on dating and relationships (first, read the DJ Bible). Good luck!

 

[Yee-Ming]

not that I'm a guru or wizened elder at this sort of thing, but I came to understand a few "home truths" about dating:-
(1) faint heart never won fair lady
(2) nothing ventured, nothing gained
not to overanalyse your current "situation", but perhaps she isn't comfortable with having you visit her home and fiddling with her computer on what literally is a "first date"?
so just ask her out, see a movie, lunch/dinner, whatever, and if she responds favourably you can repeat the offer to help fix her computer again.
in the past, when I had trouble "sucking it up" and asking a girl out, I found it helped to look at it this way: it's like entering a cold swimming pool. rather than try to slide in gently -- no such thing -- it's best to just jump right in, head first if you want. so just come out and say it. and I've been told (by females) that they appreciate a confident man, so jumping in head first, without being wishy-washy about it, would appear to be the way to go.
good luck! and let us know how it all turns out!

 

[Patrick Sun]

Until she threatens to call 911, keep asking her out. Her reactions/responses will tell you plenty.

 

[Chad Ellinger]

Ask her out. If she says no, pay attention to how she says it. If she mentions something specific as to why she can't go, like "already have plans with friends," she probably has a legit reason for not being able to go and is likely still interested. If she's vague about it, like "I'm busy," she may not be interested at all. Good luck!

 

[John Spencer]

Well, not completely knowing you is probably the reason she didn't bring up the computer situation. Most people, especially women (not a sexist remark, just fact), don't like the idea of a relative stranger in their own home. So I would keep asking her out, but try to keep the meeting site neutral, limiting the "coming over" to picking her up or dropping her off. Just keep it up without taking it too fast. And pray that she's not all crudded up like that monkey in Outbreak.

 

[Holadem]

I agree with the general sentiment so far: She don't know you well enough to let you fix her computer in her home. Ask her out.
--
Holadem

 

[Derek Miner]

Okay, I'm a fool. But you've all put me in my place... it's welling up inside of me, and I can do it next time I hear from her! I'm cutting the crap, which I should have done all along, since I hate games.
I had thought the approach I was taking was good, since one of the things she mentioned when we talked was that she doesn't use her computer as much anymore because something was wrong with it, and she knew someone to fix it. Plus, one of the interest categories she was in at Yahoo was "computer geeks."
Brian, I have been over to sosuave.com. I realize that it's all about being a more confident person, and I try to keep in mind the general advice I read there. But what they're espousing, I feel I would have to arrive at by another route. It seems to me like a rock taking advice on how to be a tree. The rock can think all he wants he's a tree, but it just ain't so.
But I suppose that's a whole other philosophical can o' worms.

 

[Jack Briggs]

Derek:

You need to put this out of your mind somehow. You're obsessing about her. Sooner or later (make that sooner), she is going to sense it--and put you on ice.

Just take it easy. Do your thing. And when things seem natural, then ask if she might like to join you for coffee somewhere. Don't offer to pick her up. Just see if she would like to meet you somewhere innocuously.

Meanwhile, keep your mind focused on the things that interest you in life. Not kidding about the appearance of obsessiveness--that would scare anybody of either gender away.

Remember: 1) When the time is right, ask if she'd like to meet you somewhere for coffee (and not "drinks"); 2) if the moment feels natural, ask if there's something she'd like to do sometime at a later date (movie, an afternoon in the park, what have you); and then 3) take it from there.

As the song says, "Act naturally."

Uncle Jack

 

[Yee-Ming]

well put, "Uncle Jack".
I just wish a forum like this, and wise souls like "Uncle Jack" on it, was available years ago when I was still stumbling around in the dating game. might've saved me some aggro. fortunately I survived, and am getting married soon

 

[Max Leung]

Check out my post in this thread. My fingers are too tired to retype it.
Practice practice! Don't obsess, like Jack says, otherwise you'll never get the motivation to try again on a different girl.

 

[AllanN]

The fixing your computer approach does not work. I have pathetically tried. All it gets you is a friend and a hassle fixing up there computer. I tried at and she thought I was just being nice. After that I just got bold and asked her out in person on a date. 2 1/2 years later, while we broke up. But that is life. Next girl please. If you ask her out and she says no, chalk it up to experience and move on.
In the spirit of the Internet and all things geeky a star wars quote.
Episode IV: Mos Eisley, Tatooine
One stormtrooper talking to another:
"It's secure. Move on to the next door."

 

[Derek Miner]

Yes, several of you correctly observed that I was being obsessive. That was part of the reason I came here, to put it all down, tell someone about my excitement. I had to get it out so I could bring myself back down to calm. Thank you all for indulging me, it helped.
If anyone is interested in what has transpired since, she actually asked me to go along with her to buy The Royal Tenenbaums DVD. Gotta love a girl who's buying this - she saw it four times in the theater. Our plans ended up expanding into lunch and a movie (at my suggestion, so you can't all accuse me of being a complete wimp).
Yeah, I know I don't deserve such luck. I'll have to be a better guy and earn any future dates. She did agree to see North By Northwest this Sunday (Summer Classic series at the local arthouse). She loves Cary Grant.
I will now agree with Allan that the computer approach is not so great. I proved to be woefully ineffectual at this time, but I have found some information to give it another try. At least (thanks to the HTF ) I was able to show her how to find the extra scenes on her Harry Potter DVD.

 

[Joe Bernardi]

Congratulations, Derek.

Now, go out and purchase all the Cary Grant movies you can find on DVD.

You might then casually let her know that you have some Cary grant DVDs she could borrow. Maybe you'll end up watching them together (eventually if not sooner).