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Funny "Late Night" Quotes

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by RobP, Jan 21, 2002.

  1. RobP

    RobP Stunt Coordinator

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    >Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch

    >of game two of the World Series? The White House said

    >it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed

    >several innocent people." -David Letterman

    >

    >"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been

    >poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should

    >make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll

    >taste your food, you check our mail." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"President Bush has announced twice last week he does

    >not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the

    >only thing we worried about the president catching was

    >herpes." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"Today, down in Washington, the FBI stopped a heavyset,

    >unemployed bearded guy. Turned out to be Al Gore."

    >-David Letterman

    >

    >"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week

    >there's a good chance we'll never get bin Laden. bin

    >Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!" -Jay Leno

    >

    >"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin

    >Laden calls it - 'Roots.'" -Jay Leno

    >

    >"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was

    >only unsafe if you were an intern." -David Letterman

    >

    >"Big sports news today. New world record in the

    >100-yard dash. It was set by 435 congressmen running

    >from the Capitol." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan

    >once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about

    >Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's

    >already got the beard." -Jay Leno.

    >

    >"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun?

    >Just sit around and get bombed." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin

    >Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'"

    >-Don Imus

    >

    >"You read about all these terrorists, most of them

    >came here legally, but they hung around on these

    >expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,

    >compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late

    >with a video and these people are all over you. Let's

    >put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -Jay Leno

    >

    >

    >This is a personal favorite of mine:

    >

    >"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at

    >the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is

    >Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra

    >time." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages

    >that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news

    >for the rap industry." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this

    >town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5"

    >and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and

    >saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his

    >name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno

    >

    >"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have

    >to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead

    >of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are

    >better than you!'" -Conan O'Brien

    >

    >"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship

    >money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a

    >pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone

    >on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman." -Jay Leno
     
  2. SteveGon

    SteveGon Executive Producer

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  3. Bhagi Katbamna

    Bhagi Katbamna Supporting Actor

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    My personal favorite:

    Leno:"As you know, France just sent some troops to Afghanistan. Turns out that they are there to teach the Taliban how to surrendur."
     
  4. Joe_C

    Joe_C Supporting Actor

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    [​IMG][​IMG] That's freakin' hilarious.
     

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