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Discussion in 'After Hours Lounge (Off Topic)' started by SteveGon, Dec 19, 2005.
What did King Kong say to Ann Darrow?
Will you be my gorillafriend?
You know, girlfriend/gorillafriend...
Ah, I crack myself up.
Hittin that nog early eh?
Funniest joke ever ? I dis-respectfully offer 'the aristocrats'.
Coming to DVD 1/24/2006 !!!
Or how about:
Norton - Hey Ralph, you mind if I smoke ?
Ralph - I don't care if you burn.
Now THAT'S funny !
My favorite King Kong joke was from a series of cartoons created on-the-spot at a science fiction convention. I'm drawing a total blank on the name of the artist, but the captions were written by Harlan Ellison. The funniest one depicted Kong on top of the State Building, giving a passing bi-plane the universal single-finger salute. Ellison's caption? A one-word word balloon:
(I've often wondered if Ben Stiller saw that cartoon as a young man. If he did, I think Ellison owes the world an apology. )
I know I'm supposed to post a King Kong joke here, but the funniest joke ever is still this one:
Two sausages are in a frying pan and one sausage says to the other sausage, "Gee, it's really getting hot in here," to which the second sausage replies, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
Thank you. Thank you. I'm here all week.
A man, a wife, his two kids a dog and his mother-in-law walk into an agents office and say "Pardon us sir, if I can have just a minute of your time"
"We have an act"
"What kind of act is that?"
"It's a family act..."
"We don't really take family acts, way to cutesy."
"No sir, this one is different. First.."
OK, maybe I had too much nogg too, those last two made no sense to me...
Ah, that sausage joke is still making me laugh, and I hate jokes!
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this - some kinda joke?"
The "family" joke quoted above is the beginning of the world's dirtiest joke, "The Aristocrats", told at length and in many variations in the film of the same name.
i only have about 3 jokes i tell, and they are all the same. my fav:
what do horses eat?
you reply: hay.
what do gay horses eat?
that is pretty funny.
What did the fish say when he hit the concrete?
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
It scares the dog
One of my faves ....
A honeymooning couple go out for a midnight swim and the wife vanishes.
After hours of searching, the husband calls the police and returns to his hotel.
Later that evening, there is a knock on his door. It’s the police …
Cop: Mister, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, some good news and some REALLY good news …
Husband: Oh God … give me the bad news first.
Cop: OK, we dragged the bay and pulled up your wife’s body.
Husband: Ahhhh … how could there possible be good news?
Cop: Well, when we pulled her up, we got 4 lobsters, 6 crabs and about 15 oysters.
Husband: Whats the REALLY good news?
Cop: We're pullin' her up again tomorrow
Did you hear the one about the blonde who went to church?
She heard there was a guy there who was hung like this (hold arms apart "big fish" style)
A man is drinking in a bar, when a pirate sits next to him. The pirate has an eyepatch, a peg leg, and a hook for a hand. The man asks the pirate "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate takes a drink and tells him "Yar! I was sailing past Cape Horn when a tidal wave threw me off the deck and into the water. I climbed my way back up the side of the ship, but just before I reached the deck a shark lept out of the water and bit me leg off."
The man thinks thats pretty amazing, and asks how he lost his arm. The pirate tells his tale: "Well me matey, we were engaged in fierce mortal combat with the crew of a rival pirate crew. And just as I was about to send the enemy pirate captain to a watery grave with my pistol, another combatant lopped me hand off at the wrist with his cutlass".
"Ouch!" said the man. "How did you lose your eye?". The pirate thinks for a minute and says "A seagull shit in me eye". The man has a puzzled look about him...... "you lost your eyeball because a seagull shit in it?"
The pirate turns a bright shade of red and sheepishly mumbles his reply .... "It was my first day with the hook".
That alone is actually pretty funny.
A motorcyclist is cycling home to his wife when he has an awful accident. Some time later he wakes up in hospital with a solemn looking doctor looking down on him. "I'm very sorry but you've lost one of your testicles in the crash and it's simply too badly damaged to re-attach." says the doc. The biker is absolutely distraught."Is there nothing you can do for me?"
"Well." ponders the doc, examing his clipboard. "We could replace it with a monkey testicle, they're the same size and shape and it'll feel completely comfortable, it's probably your best bet."
The man agrees to go ahead and just days after the operation is allowed to go home. Nine months later the same biker is sitting outside the delivery room in the maternity ward, sweating bullets. Finally the midwife walks thru the doors smiling broadly. "Well?" gasps the biker. "Everything's fine," The midwife assures him."Your baby is extemely healthy."
"Fantastic! And is it a boy or a girl?" Asks the biker.
"I'm afraid we just don't know," replies the midwife." We haven't been able to coax the little bugger down from the ceiling yet."