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Friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship-The Rules (1 Viewer)

Joseph DeMartino

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IMHO, most of friendship is proximity and time.
That's 90% of any relationship, including sexual ones. In fact, most affairs are the result of proximity and time. Which is why people who are in what are supposed to be committed relationships don't invest proximity and time in other people of the opposite sex. At least those with an ounce of common sense don't. It isn't a matter of whether you and your SO trust one another - it is a matter of whether or not you can trust yourself 100% of the time in all situations, under all circumstances. Like even when you and your SO are going through a relationship "trough" and the "friend" that you're working late with has just broken up with her boyfriend is looking exceptionally hot tonight, and you just stop for a beer...

I don't trust myself that much. And I've never cheated in a relationship in my life. But I know I'm no saint, and I know I'm as susceptible to temptation as the next guy. So I avoid it. It is amazing how easy it is to stay faithful if you stay of out places and situations where it is easy not to. And since I don't expect the women I date to be any more superhuman that I am, I have to allow for the possibility that they'll bet tempted to. So I would expect them (if they're honest with themselves and with me) to avoid tempation as well. This is no more obeying an "aribitrary rule" than wearing a seatbelt in a car is. Some people complain about what a limitation that is on their freedom, too, and refuse to be encumbered - at least until the first time they're in a wreck and learn better.

The vast majority of people who end up cheating don't go out and deliberately cheat. "It just happens" (Well, that's the lie they tell themselves) But they're partly right. They don't make a cold-blooded decision to go off and have sex with a friend or stranger (although some do, of course.) They fall into situations. But they forget that before they could fall, they had to climb the ladder.

BTW, this has all been about the general area of "relationships". Does anyone think the rules are/ought-to-be different in the case of marriage?

Regards,

Joe
 

MikeH1

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I've had one serious relationship in my life that lasted almost 6 years and reading this thread was a flashback to what happened to us. My ex worked late hours too and started hanging out with "the gang" from work afterwards. I didn't mind it but after awhile it started to bother me. This was happening every night. And it wasn't just for an hour ot two, she wouldn't come in till 4 hours after her shift ended. Alarm bells started ringing. When I first brought up the subject it was "just friend's going out and having fun". And when I brought it up again now I was the asshole over-jeolous boyfriend. So really, I just couldn't win. I had a gut feeling that something was up and I wasn't going to ignore it. It turns out that she and her married boss were spending quality time together. Yeah, it started out as "the gang" going out but ended up with just them two. They were having a romantic grand old time together. But I was glad she was screwing around with someone married, it gave me insight to just how cold she was as a person, helping to destroy 2 realtionships.

I had to find this on my own. Call me the jealous boyfriend or whatever you want, but when the woman you love isn't coming home after work, I'm not going to sit back with my thumb up my ass pretending nothings wrong.

I learnt a lot from that expierience. Its true that if you have a gut feeling something is wrong, your usually right. Don't ignore it. And the best part about all this? Even though she cheated on ME, I was still the asshole and she cheated because her "emotional needs" weren't met.

Women can do whatever they want. Don't ever question their motives or your being unreasonable and creating an "unnecessary conflict". No matter what, you will always be labelled something when all your trying to do is figuring out what is wrong.

I apologize for sounding bitter, but when I think back to what happened it pisses me off.
 

AllanN

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I apologize for sounding bitter, but when I think back to what happened it pisses me off.
Don’t apologize, that is a natural reaction and you have every right to be bitter.

I hope nobody took my Sally, Patrick quote seriously it was from a TV show and I meant it as a joke.
 

LDfan

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Ah, women are sneaky aren't they? They may say that men are dogs and such but when it comes down to it they screw around just as much as men do. They are just more secretive about it.

If its bothering you just ask her about it. The rule of thumb is if she gets pissed about you asking her then there is a pretty good chance something is going on. The damn thing is even when they've been busted they still get pissed like they've done nothing wrong.

Life's too short man, if she's cheating around on you dump her. There's a world full of women out there.

Jeff
 

BryanZ

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For me the rules are:

1. Do nothing alone with the friend until your spouse/significant other has met the friend and gotten to know them.

2. If it is just friends then you keep everything in the public eye and never get in the situation where you are alone with the friend. Your friend is your friend, not the person that you should be intimate with either emotionally or physically.

3. You also always act like your spouse or significant other is there with you for you do not want to do anything that will either bring shame to you or dishonor them.

4. Be completely intimate with your partner, witholding nothing from them.

5. Break off all previous intimate relationships. Exes are to be avoided.

6. Follow the golden rule and that doesn't mean the one who makes the gold makes the rules.

7. "I" is okay for feelings but "We" is required for events.
 

MattBu

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My two cents are that i don't believe that a man can be friends with a woman that he's attracted to and remain faithful while in a relationship. Monogamy is not a natural human reaction and things just tend to happen.
 

Elizabeth S

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Where are the women on this board, post damnit!
I pondered many responses yesterday, but decided to let you boys talk amongst yourselves. ;)

I don't believe that Harry statement from the movie -- surely there are women friends whom a man can regard in a non-sexual way. Good friendships are hard to find, and it would be a shame if an "insecure" s.o. made you "have" to give up any of them. Many times, in the long run, the friends will outstay the s.o., anyway.

That being said, I tend to be very liberal in my thinking. I know one person cannot be all things to another, and a sexual "indiscretion" would not necessarily mean the end of a relationship I'm involved in. I'm not putting chains on anybody, and vice versa.
 

SteveA

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I don't believe that Harry statement from the movie
I'm afraid it's pretty much true. It's very hard for a man to be friends with a woman he finds attractive without wanting to have sex with her, or at least entertaining the thought.

As for unattractive female friends, never underestimate the power of alcohol to quickly shift them into the "attractive" category!
 

Ted Lee

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a sexual "indiscretion" would not necessarily mean the end of a relationship I'm involved in.
i'm probably sounding like a male-pig, but i gott admit that's kinda surprising to hear .. coming from a gal. ;) heck, even i think if my gf cheated on me, i'd ace it. but who knows ... i guess that's a true test of love. elizabeth - enlighten me with your wisdom! :)

as far as opposite friends go, i made a mistake pretty early on with my gf. i have another ff (female friend) who i used to hang out with quite a bit. when i first started dating my gf, i would never invite her to hang out with me and ff. well, after a while, gf couldn't figure out why i wasn't inviting her ... which led to suspiscion, etc.

me and ff have never had any sort of physical relationship - she is truly "just a friend", but because i acted "funky" at first, gf just couldn't get it.

if i would have just thought about it, and paid a little attention to what the hell i was doing, i could have avoided the whole situation. heck, i think gf and ff would actually get along pretty well.

oh yeah, one more thing ... it's just silly to hang out with your ex, especially if you're in a new relationship. why put yourself or your current so through that?

okay, enough rambling ....
 

Joseph DeMartino

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No, an affair need not necessarily lead to the end of a relationship. But if the idea is to be in an exclusive, committed relationship, then an affair certainly isn't going to help. It is going to change the relationship, at least in the short term, and it is going to seriously errode the trust. (An affair necessarily involves lying. I don't like being lied to about money, who borrowed my car, or who left the cap off the toothpaste, and I wouldn't like being lied to about an affair, either.)

Regards,

Joe
 

Ted Lee

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But if the idea is to be in an exclusive, committed relationship, then an affair certainly isn't going to help....An affair necessarily involves lying.
exactly my point. i don't mean to thread-fart here, but this intrigues me.

the whole point of being in a relationship is to trust that other person -- unless of course "other" arrangements are made and agreed upon. but for the rest of us, cheating on someone should come as a shock and surprise.

i dunno...if anyone ever cheated on me, i gotta say i think that would be the end of it. i guess it's just me. and no...i've never been cheated on.

.... that i'm aware of! :)
 

MikeSerrano

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I guess I'll throw in my 0.16 bits...

Opposite-sex friends are possible, but the motivations for such a relationship can be starkly different for men and women.

More often than not, women engage in relationships to have fulfilling interpersonal connections and eventually find that sex can add to that experience if shared with the right person. Men, on the other hand, engage in relationships to have sex and find that developing interpersonal connections with the right person is more fulfilling.

How this applies to opposite-sex friends is as follows:

The woman goes into a friendship looking for someone with whom they can communicate; somebody who can share and validate life experiences. A sexual relationship is not even a passing thought for her.

The man goes into a friendship because that is where the woman has steered it. He is interested in her but realizes that the feelings are mutual so he figures he'll just bide his time until she "comes around". It becomes a back-burner-relationship: He'll focus his energies on a primary relationship (the "front burner") and let the "friendship" simmer (the back burner).

Now this can go one of three ways:

1) The woman will develop feelings for the friend and a physical relationship ensues (as this is just what the guy was waiting for).

2) The man will begin to see the woman as a real person rather than a possible "catch" and a fruitful friendship ensues.

3) Boundaries will demand that the relationship remain in "friends-ville", but either one or the other (or, perhaps, both) will end up pining for the other. This type of friendship will strain the primary relationships of one or both of the friends.

Now I know these are gross generalizations and there are exceptions to every rule (there are women who are just into sex and there are men that are really just looking to find a person with whom they can share their life), but in my experience, I'd say this is how it goes more than 50% of the time.

-Mike
 

Citizen87645

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An affair CAN be purely emotional, though most of the time it doesn't stay that way, which results in cheating in the strict sense. Most people don't cheat on someone merely because his/her partner is inadequate sexually. There's usually something more substantial missing in the relationship that makes the S.O. look elsewhere. Once finding it (whether real or perceived) then a sexual affair can result. All this may be obvious and perhaps assumed in the conversation but I thought it important to put it out there.

So I would say the S.O. spending a lot of individual time with an opposite sex friend (old or new doesn't matter) is a warning sign, but not merely of his/her inappropriate behavior but of the health of your relationship with him/her. Sometimes it may be as simple as two people being friends, but simple can turn complicated rather easily being the humans we are. Personally I think for an opposite sex friendship to work while in a relationship (dating or married) it must involve some degree of caution, being aware of human weakness. It may seem silly to be cautious, but once something goes awry it rarely looks so silly in hindsight. Ultimately, if you care you will be careful.
 

Steve_Tk

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personally, when someone cheats on me, it's over. I have too much respect for myself to allow someone to cheat on me and then forgive them.
 

JonZ

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"Because my current girlfriend gets disgusted at me when we hang out with my friends, that are females, that I had before I met her."

Then shes insecure and needs to get over it. Her attitude WILL cause you alot of grief and I say that from experience.

Most of my friends are women.A few are very attractive.

I met my current G/F at work. She lives near the job, which is about 40 minutes from where I live.Some of my friends live near me and she doesnt have a problem with me spending time with them. When I meet them, sometimes my G/F goes, sometimes she doesnt - she has no problem with me hanging with them, becuase she trusts me.



"personally, when someone cheats on me, it's over"

Absolutely


"My two cents are that i don't believe that a man can be friends with a woman that he's attracted to..."

Not true. It aint always easy but its not true.
 

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