Friend in mourning, how to help? (1 Viewer)

[Holadem]

A very close friend of mine just had a death in his family. He lives in another state, the person who passed away is back home (African country). He is planning on going back on Thursday for the funerals.

This guy is pretty much my best friend, has always been there for me, has bailed me out of quite a few sticky situations. I am simply wondering how best to be there for him: Do I take off work and fly to see him tonigth, tommorow and perhaps thursday (flight is only 3 hours or so) or do I save that money and send it to him since going back home on such a short notice is going to be quite expensive? My financial situation is not so good right now, I can only afford a few hundred bucks, either to go see him OR help him go back home. It isn't really that he can't afford to go back, I know he can. I just want to do something.

The day my daughter was born, an hour or so after delivery, I called him, and his reaction was: "Whoa! I will be there in a few hours'. Jumped in a plane and was there. That's the kinda guy he is. That is what I want to do. However, which option is more useful?

If I was in such a situation, I wouldn't want to see anyone, as I tend to withdraw from people when things are bad. That is another reason I am not sure about going there. Perhpas he wants to be alone. I know, I could ask him, but it would be much easier if I just did it, whatever the hell it is I end up doing. Fuck.

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Holadem

 

[Charles J P]

If you are that good a friends, ask him. If you can afford it, insist that you are going to do one or the other and try to ask if he needs the money. If he refuses it, tell him you are coming to see him. Unless he really objects, end of story.

 

[Peter Apruzzese]

I agree with Charles - if he doesn't need your money to make the trip home, go and visit him instead. There is nothing better for a grieving person than to have good friends around. I treasure my friends who were with me after my father passed away in 2000.

You're proving yourself to be a good friend by being so concerned - !

 

[Ted Lee]

do you think he would appreciate you being there? it sounds like he probably would. it does sound like you two are pretty close, so i think no matter how he was feeling on the inside, i bet he would be happy to see you.

plus it would be a great testament to how you feel about him and your friendship together. it could only help to strengthen an already solid friendship.

all in all, i think it would be a great gesture on your part and a wonderful thing to do.

If I was in such a situation, I wouldn't want to see anyone, as I tend to withdraw from people when things are bad.

i'm the exact same way.

 

[DaveF]

Having been in your friend's situation, I really appreciated that a good friend came out to be with me over the weekend of the funeral. The money is not important (and in the midst of losing a family member money is meaningless).

The other thing I've learned about grief is that it's real, it takes time, and the mourner is not crazy. And that will be true for the next few years.

 

[Ron Etaylor]

Would your friend take comfort in you going for a long weekend visit after he gets back home from the funeral?
That could be a pretty downer time and a good time to have a buddy to hang out with.

 

[Scooter]

Ask him...simply ask him.."What can I do for you?"

Having gone thru similar things...only one person asked me that...and it was greatly appreciated.

 

[Holadem]

Well, I ended up not going for two reasons: a) He already has a decent entourage right now to help him through the next couple of days until he leaves and most important, b) It hasn't really sunk in yet, I think, and it won't until he goes back home and sees his grieving family. It became clear latter yesterday that the main concern was the costs associated with the trip. So money it is... for now.

Would your friend take comfort in you going for a long weekend visit after he gets back home from the funeral?
That could be a pretty downer time and a good time to have a buddy to hang out with.

That is exactly what is going to happen. By the time he comes back, I should be able to afford the trip.

Thanks guys, much appreciated.

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Holadem