Ethical Delimma (1 Viewer)

[Tom Keels]

If you knew someone was spreading rumors and lies about you and other people, as well as talking bad about other folks behind their back, but the way you found out wasn't exactly ethical what would you do?

This is not a legal issue, but more a moral issue. We have mutual friends involved and this will easily turn ugly. Do I confront the person in private explaining that I have proof they are lying and defaming mine and other people's reputation, and that if they don't cease I will go public with it? (wow, after typing, it sounds bad)

Or do I just turn the other cheek and keep it all to myself, yet stewing in my own juices.

Going public would feel oh so good, but it may hurt me as much as the lies the person is telling.

I'm open to suggestions for ideas to resolve the situation.

 

[Leila Dougan]

I would personally stay out of it, until the lies are being spread about myself. In that case, I would confront the person as it pertains to me. I would not, however, confront the person on the mutual friend's behalf.

 

[Tom Keels]

That's just it. The lies are about me and other people. The fact is when I went digging for proof of him lying, I found stuff he has said about other friends of mine.

 

[Eric_L]

There is no reason for confrontation. Keep it to yourself. Remove this person from your friendship circle. Make no bones about the fact you no longer respect them. Deny any of the lies they spread politely. What goes around will eventually come around. Those who are really your friends will see him/her for what they are: A sad little person looking for attention.

Take the high road, it is harder and less comforting, but most rewarding.

 

[Max Leung]

You could state that you know longer wish to associate with this person to your friends. You don't have to specify a reason if you don't want to. If everyone knows you don't like him then you don't have to bother pussyfooting around when his name comes out. Also, if you throw a party or social occasion, you won't have to worry about him showing up unannounced. And if he does show up, you can justify throwing him out.

 

[Tom Keels]

It's one of those awkward situations where we are constantly in the same circle of acquaintances/friends and probably will be for a while. I feel like I'm suffering by having to bite my tongue so much when this person is constantly around. But I guess that is one of the downfalls of taking the "high road".

 

[Tom Meyer]

I say confront him politely (at least at first) and as him was the F his problem is and that you want nothing to do with them from now on. I'd then say that unless he/she wants to lose the rest of the friends in question, he must cease and desist, otherwise you're going to tell everyone else as well. It's not a moral/ethical issue on your part -- it's one of preserving your good name. Their morals are obviously lacking.

 

[Malcolm R]

What exactly is this "proof"? Unless it's something recorded in some fashion, it's still hearsay and can easily be denied by this "friend" as their word vs. someone else's.

 

[MarkHastings]

First, plant a sharp object in this persons skull and then say "please stop spreading rumors" - remember, say it nicely

 

[Tom Keels]

Well it is "recorded", so hard proof to anyone who wanted it would not be a problem.

 

[Justin Lane]

There is no reason for confrontation. Keep it to yourself. Remove this person from your friendship circle. Make no bones about the fact you no longer respect them. Deny any of the lies they spread politely. What goes around will eventually come around. Those who are really your friends will see him/her for what they are: A sad little person looking for attention.

Well said Eric. I couldn't agree anymore.

I have dealt with situations similar to your own, and the best advice I would give you is to no longer deal with this individual. You could confront them, but since you run in the same circle, this will end up in certain people taking sides with you or the messed up individual.

I used to have a pretty close circle of friends back in my high school days, and it got to the point where I no longer wanted to deal with the crap that went on there. My problem was that I was nice to everyone, and had no enemies, but the other people in this group would always have problems with someone else in the group. This put me in the middle as friends on both sides wanted me to feel the same way about the person they were arguing with as themselves, many times putting me down or trying to drag me into the issues by making false statements not unlike you are running into. The screwed up part was that the same people who hated each other one minute and wrote and spoke slanderous things about one and other became friends again the next minute. Needless to say, this bullshit got quite old, and I moved on from this group of friends for my own good.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that certain individuals love to get attention by making statements that are guaranteed to get a rise out of an individual. Though it may feel good to confront such people and tell them off, you are actually feeding into their sick desire for attention. Step above their crap and dont give them the time of day. It will eat them up more then telling them off would ever accomplish.

J

 

[Patrick_S]

Well this situation is certainly a sticky quagmire.

On the one hand you have a person who is falsely disparaging your reputation but the proof you have of this actually shows you to be unethical.

This is of course just my opinion but don’t be foolish enough to think the ends justified the means. Just because you found proof against the first person doesn’t make your actions “clean”.

If I were in your situation, I would ride out the lies and tell no one, including the person who is lying about me, of my ill-gotten proof. Better to deal with the lies then having to try to explain my true shortcomings.

I guess what they say is true, “two wrongs don’t make a right.”

 

[JohnRice]

Tom, It's a tricky situation and I've been there myself. I would suggest against confronting the person because he/she will be threatened and will attack you that much worse. Saying bad things, no matter how true, is generally not a good way to counteract an attack on you and you both will probably end up being distrusted by the same people.

The biggest time I was in that situation, the person attacking me was terminally ill. Now, that may sound callous of me to say a terminally ill person was attacking me, but it happened. I, of course, could not say a thing, because only an idiot would say anything bad about a person who is dying. In the end, that taught me a great lesson, because eventually virtually all the people I was being talked about to (at least the ones who know me) now know the reality of what really happened. We tend to pity this person who spent his final couple years so consumed with hate, but I think I am respected for how I dealt with it.

 

[Tom Keels]

Thanks for the input folks. I have been wrestling with the "two wrongs don't make a right" delimma for a while and I guess most feel its better to grin and bare it. I guess I'll just endure to the point that I can't take it anymore.

 

[Max Leung]

Hmm, if it was me, I'd confront the person. By allowing it to happen, you are GUARANTEEING that the bad behavior will continue.

By choosing to do nothing, you are implicitly encouraging the behavior.

 

[JohnRice]

I was in no way condoning doing nothing. To me, there are two important things to remember. Think of the situation in terms of years, not days or weeks, and try to avoid acting out of vengeance. Confronting this type of person is usually like cornering a wild animal. No matter what your intentions may be, you are likely the one to be gutted. People who behave like the person you describe will often go to virtually any lengths to "defend" themselves, meaning not facing the reality of what they are doing. They have probably been doing this their entire life and you aren't going to change that any time soon, if ever. Probably not even worth trying.

I expect the most productive thing you can do at this time is carefully broach the subject with a trusted friend, particularly one who is also being trashed. Test the waters, trying to see, delicately, if there is a mutual feeling. If there is, you can discuss it openly. By doing this, gradually bringing people toogether, you may be able to accomplish something.

If your true goal is to stop this person from hurting people, you will probably succeed, at least with these people. This person will just move on to another crowd of fresh bait. If your purpose is to hurt this person, it really doesn't matter what you do, it will end badly.

 

[Trenton McNeil]

Make the person a big plate of brownies, and deliver them to his/her doorstep, stick out your hand and say, 'friends?'

Works every time.

 

[MarkHastings]

It's one of those awkward situations where we are constantly in the same circle of acquaintances/friends and probably will be for a while

I'd say the best thing to do is to have a talk with all of your friends and discuss this person. In my group of friends we have a guy who is a pathological lier (nothing harmful, he just makes stories up). Once we all identified he was a lier, nothing he said was taken seriously by anyone and he's learned to realize that nobody believes a word he says. He's now stopped for the most part.

The worst thing about a lier is when your friends BELIEVE the lies. But if your friends understand that they shouldn't believe a word he says, he'll only be harming himself in the end (by making himself look like an ass) and not you.

Let him dig his own grave. You don't need to confront him at all, when he starts to realize that nobody is listening to him and that all of your friends are against him, he'll either stop or leave the group.

 

[Ryan Wright]

Make the person a big plate of brownies, and deliver them to his/her doorstep, stick out your hand and say, 'friends?'

Works every time.

Right, and for some extra fun, toss in some ex-lax with the chocolate in the brownie mix.

As for this little issue, it's hard to comment. Can you be more specific about what's going on? As far as I can tell, you have a circle of friends, and one of the guys is spreading lies about the others? And you came across your proof "unethically"? What does that mean? You recorded a phone conversation? Planted a bug in his house? What?

Give us some more specifics. What is being said, who is it being said about, what are the group dynamics (What do you do together? Whose loyalties lie where?), and how did you obtain this proof? And what is the proof? Just him saying some choice things?

More details = better advice from the rest of us. You don't have to give real names.

 

[Moe Maishlish]

You're in a delicate situation. You know there's some nasty stuff going on, yet the only proof you have has been obtained in a way which could potentially land you in equally hot water. What to do?!?

Franky, I'm suprised no one has proposed the anonymous note solution.

Sit down in front of your computer and compose a note to this person stating that you are aware of what's going on. Be sure to include whatever form of proof you may have (assuming of course it's not self-incriminating). When writing the note, refer to yourself as "we", not "I". Make it look like there's more than one person confronting this person, and that it's more than just a "me against you" situation. This will put the person on the defensive, as you're the majority. Be nice, but be stern in your descriptions and accusations. Explain that the note is an attempt to keep things civil, without making a scene between friends, but that the curtosy stops here... any future crap will out him in public.

The benefit here is that you're confronting someone without actually physically confronting them. They'll have no choice but to read through the note - there's no one there to argue or fight with, only themselves. Ultimately, they'll have to reflect upon what you've written, and will be faced to deal with some form of truth & shame.

Moe.