Does everyone view a "break-up" as a trivial event? (1 Viewer)

[Bill Wheatley]

I’d know my girlfriend for about a year and a half. We had been dating about a year and during the past few months she’d been telling me she loves me. The feelings were definitely mutual. This was the greatest woman I’d ever dated and I felt there was a long future ahead of us. I had never had feelings this strong for another person... ever! About three weeks ago, very unexpectedly and without much of an explanation, she ended it. I was, and still am, devastated.

What I find puzzling is that when turning to my friends for support they all kind of act like it’s no big deal. “More fish in the sea” is a common response. Or even better... "She sounds like a crazy bitch, you can do better." Is that supposed to be comforting?

A few days after the break-up friends would come up to me and say, “You seem a little out of it. Everything OK?” No goddamn it! Everything is not OK and you know why! What... I can be upset the day of the break-up and maybe the day after, but two days after I’m supposed to be my old cheerful self... WTF!

I think of it this way... what if (god forbid) she had died. People would have come flocking offering sympathy and support. I get dumped and I get the attitude of, “get over it.” But to me, a loss is a loss. Here is a person who has been an integral part of my everyday life for quite a while and and now she's gone. What's the difference? Two days later I’m supposed to go on business as usual. Business as usual involved her!

Is this how everyone views a breakup... am I missing something here?

 

[Leila Dougan]

No, you're not missing a thing. You see, in breakups there is a definite cycle of emotions. First, you're really sad and upset, then you're angry, and after a while (especially if you find someone else), you just don't care. In the end, you'll think you're better off without her.

The problem is that you are definitely in the first stage and there is not one thing wrong with that. You have to go through these stages to get over the breakup. You're friends, however, probably have not had a breakup in quite some time and therefore only have the distant memory of the last stage. They have simply forgotten how painful a breakup can be.

I would probably explain to them "I will probably agree with you after some time, but right now I don't feel that way". Time is the greatest healer but until then, just take care of yourself.

 

[Cees Alons]

Bill,

People, even friends, are generally very uncomfortable with situations like yhat. They try to make it sound less important - mainly for themselves. I noticed the same when they clumsily try to comfort you when someone you loved dies. "That's a beautiful age anyway" (as if dying is less pleasant at a younger age), "I'm glad (s)he didn't suffer", "Well it's good the suffering is over now", "Well.. we'll all have to die one day".

Some really don't know to say anything smarter, other people, who really care, think they help you by belittling the event. They mean well. But they are wrong.

Cees

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

This is, as you say, the first really serious relationship you've had end on you. Chances are there will be others. Of course this is enormously important to you, right now, because it was your relationship and you are in the middle of dealing with the loss. Your friends and family are (clumsily) trying to help you "get over it" (which you are, understandably, not ready to do yet) because they've probably been through the same thing several times themselves, and they know it isn't the end of the world. (Though it sure seems that way when it is happening.) They've survived the very same thing. They're trying to tell you that, even if they're not doing a very good job.

Regards and good luck,

Joe

 

[Todd Hochard]

Does everyone view a "break-up" as a trivial event?

When it's not yours...Yes.

I'm seriously not trying to be crass, but everyone else does not have the emotional investment that you have, and as such, it simply cannot be as important to them as it is to you. In fact, if it were, that would be creepy.

Your friends/family are there to pick you up. Let them, even if their attempts seem odd/irritating/whatever.

If this breakup seems as significant as her death (in your mind), I'd seek professional guidance. I've experienced a few breakups, and an unfortunate number of deaths of friends and family, and, in my experience, they are not even close.

That's my "Dr. Phil" point of view. I'm not trying to (further) trivialize your situation.

Todd

 

[John Spencer]

Just think of it this way:

Would you rather they were saying, "Wow. You really messed up. You should do everything you can to get her back. Call her all the time. Cry lots. You'd be a fool if you tried to move on!"



I think you see what I'm getting at. They're just trying to help.

 

[Dan Keefe]

Bill,

Without getting into the how and whys of your realtionship I can say that I usually tried to get back with just about every ex I had been in a long term relationship with. It usually worked, but depending on the circumstances of the relationship's breakup, things were sometimes kinda funny afterwards. It seems you really cared about this person so if it were me, I would try to get her back. I know I'm gonna get flamed for saying that, but at least you can say you tried, and if it doesn't work the second time at least you won't spend the rest of your life going "what if". Even though I am happily married there are a few ex's out there that I occasionally wonder "what if" about.

dan

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

To put things in a slightly more cynical perspective, break-ups are always trivial in the third person - "his break-up", and only slightly more important in the second person - "your break-up." It is only in the first person ("my break-up") that they really become important. You just happen to be in the wrong spot, grammatically speaking. How did you react the last time one of your friends broke up with a girl friend?
Regards,
Joe

 

[AllanN]

I do agree that from the third person breakups never seem as traumatic. Especially if those friends or family have not had a similar experience. I went through the exact same thing about a year ago. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. We broke up because she was not sure she wanted to be in a relationship, period, after seeing what happened to her sister who got divorced. I though once she got over it we would probably get back together. Then I found out the real reason. She ended up getting engaged to her neighbor a month later. I though I was hurting before, knowing that the women you love is with someone else, made me physically ill at times. I had the same people saying "you will find someone else", "she was not worth it", and a few other choice words that would get me banned from the HTF. It does not matter it still hurt. Like Cese said you just have to go through the emotions. My advice, don't hold anything back. If you need to be sad and cry, do it. If you are angry, vent your frustrations (in a constructive way). If you get depressed, feel free to check out, but only for a while. It may take months or more. Also don't try to get to the point where it does not bother you. Because it will always bother you. You need to work your way to not letting what happened affect the outcome of the rest of your life. Sooner or later once you are emotionally free of her, someone else will come into your life. I'm still waiting for that. But im happy with myself, and the thought of my ex, although still painful, does not have a significant emotional effect on me anymore. Time does heal all wounds. Just be honest and open with yourself.

 

[Mike__D]

I think the guy usually gets the short end of the stick when it comes to break ups. Say you devestated her rather than the other way around. She probably has a close group of friends that would help her emotionaly. But males on the other hand, are not like that. We don't get too emotionally involved on that type of level, so comments like "it's no big deal" and "there's other fish in the sea" is usally the most you'll get, and maybe a night of free drinks. If you have other female friends in your life, talk to them, they'll be more emotionally supportive.

And you also have HT forum for help and support as well. Give time, and you'll bounce back, as hard as it may be right now.

Mike D.

 

[John Berggren]

When you are in love breaking up is hard, period. I've heard it said that you can greive for up to 150% of whatever time you spent with that person.
I know after my last breakup I took a year off before thinking about dating again. It's good to take time to heal. It's also good to take time that is your own.
Take some "Bill Wheatley" time and sort out what you want and need .

 

[nolesrule]

[disclaimer]this post is obviously a generalization, but at least it is generally true[/disclaimer]

I have to agree with Mike__D. In, general, guys tend to try to make the hurt just disappear when they see someone hurting, like trying to solve the problem, rather than getting emotionally involved or being nurturing, like females tend to do.

When my wife got upset, I used to try to help her get past what was bothering her, rather than let her get it out of her system first. Eventually, I figured out not do that.

It's just the way guys are. Just not secure with dealing with other people's negative emotions.

 

[Dick]

Todd: What the poster is lacking is EMPATHY or even sympathy. No different from when a person is on his/her deathbed - no one wants to talk about the real issue, so a lot of meaningless small talk is substituted. The person who is hurting has no opportunity to really spill his guts, so there is no cathartic experience. All of us need to be more in tune with other people's feelings. When a friend of ours is hurting, we need to be able to at least try to put ourselves in his/her shoes and say, "Yes, that must be incredibly hard for you. How can I help?" I just lost my dog. She didn't die, but because she nipped someone, she had to be removed from the premises, and I haven't been able to find a part-time job that fits into my schedule in order to make enough money to move elsewhere and get my dog back. I am devastated. This is like losing a child, literally. But most of my friends kind of approach it as though I'd lost a car in an accident. Where is the empathy?
That is what I need. That is Bill needs right now.

 

[Mark_Mac]

When you are in love breaking up is hard, period. I've heard it said that you can greive for up to 150% of whatever time you spent with that person.

OMG i hope that isnt true...thats like 13 years for me. Bill I feel for you, Im going through a seperation with my wife of 9 years. We started to go out when we were 18 now Im 32...I never really dated anyone else and the thought of trying isnt very appealing. Basically she said she was unhappy, packed her bags and left me with the house all the bills and our dogs. Now I see her like once a month. I found this site, its a forum:
http://www.relationshipweb.com
alot of people going through the same thing.

 

[Holadem]

I am going through this righ now, and it seems people's idea of making you feel better is to tell you what a terrible person she is .
--
Holadem