Does anybody have any good jokes? (2 Viewers)

[Matt Pasant]

A joke I find highly amusing, yet is so bad....

Q... What were General Custers last words?

A... Have you ever seen so many Indians...

God I love that one...

 

[Scott W.]

It's the afternoon and a guy and gal are walking down a hallway. The girl is complaining to the guy that she is always bitchy as hell when she gets up in the morning. The guy replies "did you just get up?"

Scott

 

[Paul McElligott]

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven (stay with me one this one)...

St. Peter says, "Welcome! We don't get many people who lived to be 125 years old."

"What do you mean? I had a heart attack at 49!"

"Oops. I was going by your billable hours."

Next:

An elderly American absent-mindedly arrived at French customs at De Gaulle airport in Paris and fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.

The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no goddam Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"

 

[Jeff Braddock]

What did the muppets say when Jim Henson died?

nothing

 

[David Von Pein]

Guy walks up to me and asks if I have $5,000 for a sandwich.
I ask him: "Why do you need $5,000 for just a sammich".
He tells me, dryly, "Because I want to eat at a drive-in....but I haven't got a car!"

Courtesy: The Estate Of Jack Benny -- The Greatest Comedian The World Has Ever Known.

 

[Jeff Braddock]

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears the man come in and waits for him to begin.

After a while of silence, the priest coughs softly.

Still nothing.

The priest coughs again, only a little louder.

Silence.

Finally, the frustrated priest pounds on the dividing wall of the confessional.

The drunk growls back, "Ain't no use knockin'. There ain't no toilet paper in this one either."

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

A man wakes up in a Vegas hotel room with a terrible hangover. As he gets dressed and pulls himself together he realizes his watch is missing.

Stepping out of the hotel he hails a cab and goes to each of the bars he remembers being in the night before, and none of them has his watch. He remembers going to one more joint before returning to the hotel, but he can't think of the name or location - the only thing he remembers about it is that is that it was incredibly fancy, even the urinals were gold-plated. When he tells this to the cab driver, the guy's eyes suddenly light up and he drives the man to another bar.

The bar is fairly ornate, with a raised stage for the old fashioned big band and a big dance floor, but not quite as fancy as the guy remembers it. He goes straight to the men's room, and is disappointed to find standard porcelin fixtures. The guy returns to the bar where he left the cab driver. To his astonishment the bartender is holding up his missing watch.

"That's incredible, how did you end up with my watch? This place doesn't look the way I remembered, and I don't recognize you."

"Well," says the bartender. "I recognize you. And when I call him over, I'm sure Ray, our band leader, will recognize you too."

"Why will Ray recognize me?"

"Because you're the guy who pissed in his saxophone."


Regards,

Joe

 

[JonZ]

I used to know lots, but I dont remember any.I heard this one the other day:

Whats the most enjoyable part of getting a blowjob?

The Silence

This isnt a joke, but its funny. Someone emailed it to me awhile back:

This is true:

A professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple: each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another

paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion

has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary:

(first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must

now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of

Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her

from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the

hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated

their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, hauvinistic

semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele

novels."

(Rebecca) Asshole.

(Gary) Bitch.

(Rebecca) DICK!

(Gary) Slut.

(Rebecca) Get fucked.

(Gary) You wish; eat shit.

(Rebecca) FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.

 

[Brian Perry]

Jon,

That's pretty good, though I figured it would be more back-and-forth, with Rebecca being able to make Gary look foolish (and vice versa) with each respective paragraph. But it was funny to see it degenerate.

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

I can picture Calvin and Suzie from the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip having exactly that exchange when they grow up and head off to college.
Regards,
Joe

 

[Gregory]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

-A piece if ass that makes you cry.

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

Er, that should be "A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes." There is a subtle, but real, difference between the two.

I always tell that joke with a slice of bermuda onion. The mental image of a slice distracts the hearer (as well as giving him her a mental impression of an onion in a state that can actually make your eyes tear up, as a whole, uncut onion can't) And the specificity of "bermuda onion" both misdirects the listener about where the punchline is coming from and improves the rhythm of the joke.

Regards,

Joe

 

[Jon_Are]

Joseph - Here's my version of the onion joke:
Q: What do you think will happen if you crossed a long-eared, horse-like creature with a multi-layered garden vegetable (that is good sauteed with mushrooms in butter and served with a nice steak, perhaps a medium-rare T-bone or porterhouse)?
A: A physical sexual encounter with a member of the opposite sex that will cause water to well up within your eyes and possibly drip down your face.
Amazingly, no one seems to laugh at my version.
Jon
(who, in truth, totally agrees with your assessment)

 

[Yee-Ming]

It's wise to remember how easily email, wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

 

[chung_sotheby]

Here's a good one for those who arent faint of heart

Q: Why didn't superman save John F. Kennedy Jr?

A:

He's in a wheelchair, dumbass


Oh, and another good, true story from an intro to bio class at Harvard

On the first class of intro to bio, the prof. wanted to start off with the chemical structure of the human body. As he explained the contents of the bones, the brain, the blood, and so on, he finally made it down to the reproductive organs. Describing the makeup of semen, he explained to the the class that there was a high amount of fructose in its chemical content.

A girl in the back row held up her hand, and the prof. fielded her question.

Girl: Excuse me, professor, did you say that semen contained fructose?

Prof: That is correct

Girl: You mean fructose, as in sugar?

Prof: Again, that is what I said.

Girl: Well, if it contains sugar, how come it tastes salty?

After she realized what she just said, the young girl jumped up in horror and fled the classroom, never to be seen in intro to bio again.

 

[Aaron Reynolds]

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

 

[Will K]

Ok...raunchy...

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?

A:

She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

 

[Dan D.]

Four engineers are sitting in a car that won't start. There's a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

Wondering why the car won't start, the mechanical engineer says, "It must be a problem with the engine or drivetrain. We should take those apart and see if anything is broken."

The chemical engineer says, "No, there's probably something wrong with the fuel. Let's take a sample from the tank and analyze it."

The electrical engineer says, "I think it's probably the battery or wiring. Let's see if the battery has a charge, make sure the alternator is working and check for broken wires."

The computer engineer says, "OK, everybody get out of the car, get back in, then try to start it again."

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

BTW, everybody does realize that the "true college stories" almost certainly aren't, right? (The second one definitely not. I've heard that told as a joke for 30 years, and nobody ever connected it with Harvard.) And I just don't buy that alternating story one. How many college age guys would be dumb enough to follow-up the opening given with the text the supposedly followed on a paper that would count towards their grade?

Regards,

Joe

 

[Ron Etaylor]

A guy approaches the entrance of a night club when the doorman stops him and says "Sorry, but a tie is required to get into this club". The guy shrugs and heads back to the parking lot. He appears a few minutes later at the door where the doorman finds him with jumper cables wrapped around his neck like a tie. Doorman looks and him says "OK you can go in...but don't start anything".