Does anybody have any good jokes? (1 Viewer)

[Mark R O]

Easter Joke:

Jesus whispers from up on his cross "Bring me...St. John."

Upon hearing of the request, St. John rushes only to find Jesus unconscious, so returns home. Hours later, he is told that Jesus has again whispered "Bring me...St. John."

He hurries back only to find Jesus has again passed out, so he returns home. When he is told Jesus has once more whispered "Bring me...St. John.", he arrives back to find

Christ awake. "What be it that I am worthy to hear from you, my Lord? I am but a humble of your flock."

Jesus softly looks upon him and says "I can see...your house from here."

A passenger on an cross town bus is tearing long strips from a newspaper and tossing them out of the window at regular intervals. The guy in the seat next to him watches for about 20 minutes until his curiosity is at it's limit.

"Pardon me, but I've got to ask. Why are you doing that?"

"Scares off the Water Buffalo."

"Oh. But I don't see any Water Buffalo..."

"Effective, isn't it?"

A woman walks into a bar with a poodle under her arm.

The bartender says "We don't serve pigs in here."

The woman protests, "This is a dog."

The bartender replies "I was talking to the dog."

What do you call 32 rednecks in one room?

A full set of teeth.

A blind man lead by a seeing eye dog walks into a Audio/Video store. When he reaches the center of the sales floor, he grabs the dog by it's tail and starts swinging it in a circle as fast as he can. A salesman finally manages to duck and dodge the dog and reach the blind man. Still squatting at floor level to avoid the airbourne pooch, he tugs at the man's pantleg and yells "Mister, Mister, can I help you?"

"No thanks, just looking around."

 

[TyC]

I saw this on the forum today:
"Did this realtor screw me?"
with this right below it:
"Buying a cordless drill..."
Kind of funny.

 

[Jon_Are]

Christ - your joke about the jackass had me rolling (and I almost never roll while reading jokes).

A similar version:

Bartender: What'll you have?

Bar Patron: Give me a beer; and (pointing to another customer) give that douche bag whatever he wants.

Bartender: OK, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't call him that name; this is a clean establishment I run. I'm going to ask you again: what'll you have?

Bar Patron: Give me a beer; and give that douche bag whatever he wants.

Bartender: Look, pal, I don't allow that sort of language. Now, I'm going to ask you this just once more. What'll you have?

Bar Patron: Give me a beer; and give that douche bag whatever he wants.

Bartender (frustrated, turning to the other customer): What can I get you?

Customer: I'll have a vinegar and water.

Jon

 

[Kenny Foor]

An oldie but goodie.
Two guys are sitting on a porch drinking a beer, one of them looks over at his dog licking his testicles, he turns around to his friend and says "don't you wish that you could do that" the guy looks over and says "yeah, but your dog might bite me.

 

[Yee-Ming]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

 

[Bjorn Olav Nyberg]

Jon_Are, I don't get the douche bag joke...
Still lots of fun though

 

[MarkHastings]

I don't get the douche bag joke

Ask a female and she'd be able to explain it to ya

 

[Holadem]

1 1/2 year ago, I spent thanksgiving with my roomate and three of her friends who were all strangers to each other: A german, a jew and an arab (actually isreali and egyptian). That was in November of 2001. During diner, the egyptian said... actually nothing at all worth remembering.
Which is really too bad: from the moment i knew their origins, I thougth to myself: Wow, this is the perfect begining for a joke! I can't believe I am actually in the middle of a joke, that might potentailly be told for ages to come! . The feeling was eery. Beer helped of course. I spent the evening waiting for the actual joke to happen but it never did. Everyone was so nice it got boring fast. Ah... the potential. It was fun nonetheless.
--
Holadem

 

[Ralph Summa]

An Irish man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

He tells the brtender, "I just moved here from Ireland and every Friday me two brothers and I would sit down at the Pub and have a pint together. This is my way of keeping the tradition."

Weeks go by and the Irishman and the bartender become pretty good friends. One Friday, the Irishman comes in and orders two beers. The bartender fears the worst and delivers the two pints saying "I'm sorry about your brother, these are on the house."

"What's wrong with my brother?" says the Irishman.

The bartender says "When you only ordered two, I figured that one of your brothers had died."

The Irishman quickly responds, "NO! NO! Me brothers are both fine and doin' well. I just quit drinkin'."

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,

"What is this, some kind of joke?"

Regards,

Joe

 

[Jason Reich]

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading

of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

 

[Jon_Are]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?”

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to ask.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Jon

 

[Eve T]

Good jokes eh? Oh I've got a real zinger, a real hum dinger.....

MY FAWKING LIFE

 

[Shawn McBride]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The second guy should have seen it coming!

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

Good jokes eh? Oh I've got a real zinger, a real hum dinger.....

I dunno, Eve. I read that other thread. I'm afraid your life doesn't do much on the "chuckle-meter" at the moment.

Regards,
Joe

 

[Yumi]

Insane Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting ."Thirteen!""Thirteen!""Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this ,he finds a hole in the fence,and looks in .Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting ,"Fourteen!""Fourteen!""Fourteen!"

 

[Dan D.]

A sadist and a masochist are standing on a street corner. The masochist turns and says, “Hit me!” The sadist draws his fist back, pauses, and says, “No.”

 

[Ted Lee]

dan - reminds me of this one.
Q. What is the definition of a sadist and a masochist?
A. A masochist likes hot showers, but only takes cold ones. A sadist reaches in and turns the hot water back on!

 

[TimDoss]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but

saran wrap shorts... the psychiatrist looks at him and says

'well, I can clearly see your nuts'

Two indians are riding along on their horses when all of a sudden

the horses stop. Indian 1 gets down and puts his ear to the

ground, stands back up and says, 'buffalo come'. Indian 2 says, 'how you know?', Indian 1 answers, 'face all sticky'.

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

A woman meets her friend, a masochist, for lunch. The friend is sporting a huge black eye.
Woman: I don't know why you stay with that sadist.
Friend: Beats me.

Regards,
Joe