Black van speakers!

Doug_H

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There I am pumping gas, thinking about the rising cost of gas when I hear a semi-whispering voice behind me "hey man, you interested in buy some speakers?" I turn and smile. No thanks, I heard all about you white van guys, you sell crap.

That's when he pointed out that he was in fact in a black van. I had to give him that. He went on to explain that the black van guys only sell the highest quality speakers that happen to be extras from a job their boss over ordered on.

I think to myself, hey he is in a black van. I step a little closer and he begins to explain that not only can he save me money because of his bosses inability to count but they have speakers like B&W, Mirage, M&K, ETC. that are disguised with a label saying they are Craptui. I think he said they do this for very wealthy people who want to appear discriminating and thrifty while still having the best sound.

That made a lot of sense and when he explained that they even go a step further by removing the annoying crossovers at no extra charge I was pretty much sold. I never really thought about the fact that speaker companies are ripping us off by restricting certain frequencies from some drivers. I paid a lot for my speakers and none of them get all the available frequencies because of the damn crossovers.

Well needless to say I loaded 4 of these monsters into my truck as quickly as possible. I didn't want this guys brother in law to get them. He was still trying to come up with the money. Now I will be able to hear 20hz-20khz from all the drivers in my system as well as know I own a beautiful set of some major brand or other stealthily disguised as Craptui.

Like my daddy always said, some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you... guess it was my turn


Now if I can just figure out where the speaker cable connects.
 

Tony Whalen

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Well OBVIOUSLY the black-van guys sell better stuff than the white-van guys. I mean, doesn't EVERYONE know that?
 

Darren Haycock

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Craptui? Ahaha, classic.
 

Richard Travale

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lol, was this a real event or just creative writing?
 

Doug_H

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I'm thinking there might be money in these non-white van speakers. Anyone interested in investing in the Black Van Craptui Corporation?
 

Jay Taylor

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Isn’t it amazing how they have to work full time with a fleet of vans nationwide just to sell off the extra speakers from their boss’ order?
 

Vince Maskeeper

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Man, where I work, if someone consistantly overstocked inventory as much as that guy- he'd been fired years ago!
 

Doug_H

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I guess we will need to make sure we have a boss who thinks there are 12 speakers in a 5.1 setup.

I was also thinking I should patent the no crossover technology. I could call it unrestricted frequency technology. I hope Bose isn't aleady using it.
 

Jay Taylor

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Doug’s Unrestricted Frequency Technology (DUFT) is a great idea! And while we’re at it, why waste money on a 6-channel amplifier? Different sounds coming from each speaker is very confusing especially for us paranoid schizophrenics.

We could just use a mono amp and daisy chain one pair of wires to all of the speakers. A mono DUFT system would deliver an unimaginable home theater experience!
 

Doug_H

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Jay LMAO

I can see it now... Craptui, the company that organizes all the chaotic sound into a more organized listening experience. Now with new DUFT technology!
 

Philip_G

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I've been hit up twice in as many months now. Once at home depot, once at the gas station.
Gotta laugh
 

Kirk Gunn

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What's scary is that Google returns a number of hits on DUFT, but none on Craptui.

Craptui - just typing it makes me crack up.....
 

MikeAlletto

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I've seen speaker van guys a few times in Austin. One time I was coming out of Best Buy and they were in an suv without a license plate on the back. It was funny cause one of them was carrying a huge plain brown box with the word AUDIOPHILE written on the side. It was pretty funny.
 

Garrett Lundy

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What color van is in your future? I polled the credit-card companies to find-out!

*beige. This sickly color carries the lowest of the low-end speakers

*white. This van has "overstock" on premium speakers with MSRP of $3000

*green (SUV). Nothing short of $5000 SRP spreakers from this guy

*black. Craptui, obviously

*silver. nice stuff

*gold. will hit you up for an extra $100 in chardonnay money. But thats OK, he is selling you official Wharftdael and B 'und' W speakers at a fraction of the price!

*Platinum. Sells same speakers as gold, but takes credit cards

 

John*C

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I had a faded blue Dodge which I painted flat black, I used a circular saw to install a set of 2 brown Pioneer 90 watts maximum per speaker into the custom wood frame bed I had put in.
 

Chris Knox

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About 3 years ago I received the following voice mail(s) on my answering machine from a friend of mine who was suckered:

Call 1: "Hey Dude! Where the fuck are you? I got a couple of guys out here at Circuit City in a van trying to sell off some overstock speakers. Their boss loaded too many on their truck and they got to get rid of them. Says they're Dynalabs or somethin'. I thought I heard you mention them before and I know you're like, mister fucking Hi-Fi and all, so they must be pretty damn good. Dumb asses want 600 bucks a pair! They're worth three times that in this magazine the guy has. You need to get with me fast guy, cause they ain't gone wait forever and I don't want to move on it without you giving me the go. Call me, bitch."

Call 2 (approx. 5 minutes later): "Man, where the hell are you?! These guys are getting impatient. Already starting to try and sell 'em to other people. They got a few but I may have to make the buy without you. I need to know if you want me to get you a pair or not. Pick up if you're there man, seriously. I'm gonna eat these fuckers' lunch if these are as good as they say. They have another install they have to do, so they said--" low muffled speak in the background and a short conversation between my friend and the salesmen that lasts about eleven seconds. "Hey dude, the guy just said he'll take 500.00 a pair if I act now! Goddam deal of the century! You need to pick up the fucking phone and talk to me! Where the fuck you at anyway? Call me!"

Call 3 (6 minutes later): "Chris man, What the fuck!? Where you at? I got to make a move on these things. They just sold a pair and are down to one last set. I gotta get 'em. I let you know how it went down. Later."

Call 4 (10 minutes later): "Hey fuck nugget, I got 'em. On the way home to hook these babies up. I'll call you when I get em wired up and let you know what they sound like. You should have been home man, I could have gotten you a set. Your loss bitch. Peace!"

Call 5 (45 minutes later): "Okay I hooked 'em up but something's rotten in Denmark. The highs aren't high and the lows are rattling. Mids are okay. The red wire to the red post and the black striped wire to the black post right? I'm gonna switch 'em and try that. Call me back, man."

Call 6 (15 minutes later): "It ain't right dude. Either I did something wrong or they're the wrong Ohms or something. I'm gonna play around with them. I'll call you back. You better fuckin' be home!"

Call 7 (1 hour 20 minutes later) : Low, muffled music sound in the background. Sounds like music being played through a subwoofer. "You here that? That's 500.00 dollars worth of pure high-fricken-fidelety, my brother. Sounds like somebody singing into somebody's asshole, don't it? Got his face buried way up between the cheeks and shit. I hooked up my mom's Fischer speakers and it sounds way better. Hooked up my old Yorx, and the highs were better. Shit, I hooked the wires to my frickin toaster and the highs are better. I jammed the wires straight up my ass then punched myself in the balls... the highs are still better. Reckon I got the polarity of my colon backwards?! You need to call me man, I'm about to go postal. I feel like a gimp, been passed around like a joint at the Dennis Hopper estate. I'm gonna box these bitches up and go on a manhunt. Somebody's gonna get their Billy-Jack cherry popped when I find 'em. My next call is probably gonna be from county. Thanks for the help, mother fucker!"

[short beep followed by digital voice message] "End of messages"

...Another satisfied customer.
 

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