Big and Testy

Discussion in 'Testing' started by Michael Sliger, Jan 31, 2004.

  1. Michael Sliger

    Michael Sliger Second Unit

    Jan 10, 2000
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    Argument Clinic (Monty Python)

    Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

    Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

    Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.

    Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

    Man: Well, what is the cost?

    Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

    Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

    Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.


    Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

    Man: Thank you.

    (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

    Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

    Man: Well, I was told outside that...

    Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

    Man: What?

    Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!

    Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

    Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

    Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

    Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

    Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

    Mr Barnard: Not at all.

    Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

    (Walk down the corridor)

    Man: (Knock)

    Mr Vibrating: Come in.

    Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

    Mr Vibrating: I told you once.

    Man: No you haven't.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.

    Man: When?

    Mr Vibrating: Just now.

    Man: No you didn't.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

    Man: You didn't

    Mr Vibrating: I did!

    Man: You didn't!

    Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!

    Man: You did not!!

    Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

    Man: Oh, just the five minutes.

    Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

    Man: You most certainly did not.

    Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

    Man: No you did not.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

    Man: No you didn't.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

    Man: No you didn't.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

    Man: No you didn't.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.

    Man: You didn't.

    Mr Vibrating: Did.

    Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.

    Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.

    Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

    Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

    Man: It is!

    Mr Vibrating: It is not.

    Man: Look, you just contradicted me.

    Mr Vibrating: I did not.

    Man: Oh you did!!

    Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.

    Man: You did just then.

    Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!

    Man: Oh, this is futile!

    Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

    Man: I came here for a good argument.

    Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

    Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.

    Mr Vibrating: It can be.

    Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

    Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

    Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

    Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

    Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

    Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!

    Man: No it isn't!

    Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

    (short pause)

    Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

    Man: It is.

    Mr Vibrating: Not at all.

    Man: Now look.

    Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.

    Man: What?

    Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.

    Man: I was just getting interested.

    Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.

    Man: That was never five minutes!

    Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.

    Man: It wasn't.


    Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

    Man: What?!

    Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

    Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

    Mr Vibrating: (Hums)

    Man: Look, this is ridiculous.

    Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

    Man: Oh, all right.

    (pays money)

    Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)

    Man: Well?

    Mr Vibrating: Well what?

    Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.

    Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

    Man: I just paid!

    Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

    Man: I DID!

    Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.

    Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.

    Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.

    Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

    Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

    Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

    Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

    Man: Oh I've had enough of this.

    Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.

    Man: Oh Shut up.

  2. Thi Them

    Thi Them Producer

    Apr 20, 1999
    Likes Received:
    I like it big and testy.

  3. Tony-B

    Tony-B Producer

    Jun 30, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Same here. [​IMG]
  4. Mark Shannon

    Mark Shannon Screenwriter

    May 27, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Love the argument clinic skit. One of the best. Oh, and it's great when it's big and testy.

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