Another post about meeting women...

Derek Miner

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Feb 22, 1999
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I never thought I'd be posting something like this in the Home Theater Forum... But after noting some of the interesting threads in here about relationships, it became apparent that this is probably the BEST place to go. So here's my dilemma...
A couple months ago, I was buying something at Suncoast Motion Picture Company that led the girl behind the register to talk about some stuff she had in her collection. I found this interesting and unusual, because she seemed to be into the same kind of geeky stuff I am. So earlier this week, I went in to get a DVD, and she was there again. I was with a friend and she picked up on our conversation and even knew of an obscure movie I liked.
Anyway, I figure I've got to look into this. Is she available? Would we make a good match? You don't meet these kinds of women very often. But since she has no idea who I am, I don't know how I should go about this.
Sure, there's the bold approach of just going in and asking her out, or asking for her number, or something like that. My big concern there is that I'm not the kind of guy who can pull that off. I'm not a smelly slob or anything like that, but I'm not a great looker. I'm not going to attract the ladies by my appearance, so I don't usually approach people I've never met before. And I can also imagine how creepy it might appear to be at work and just have someone come in and hit on you...
So, what do you guys think? How would you handle this situation yourself? Or have you been in this situation?
------------------
= Derek =
[Edited last by Derek Miner on November 18, 2001 at 03:48 PM]
 

Janna S

Second Unit
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I hope you don't mind a reply from one of the women here. Here's some rather quaint but guaranteed advice.

Go ahead and ask her if she'd like to do something related to your apparent common interest (as you say, geeky and obscure films). It is always best, for lots of reasons, to first suggest something public and low key, which means don't mumble a Lurch-like invitation to your own place unless you can put together a group activity there with other reasonable people who are into similar things (like a chance to view an obscure new DVD on your great system). If you can do that, say that - "A couple of friends who are also interested in [whatever] are coming over to my place on Friday evening to watch the new director's edition DVD."

If you can't do that (those reasonable friends don't exist, you don't have a place, it's a batcave, you are just too shy) then figure out something public - a film opening, a revival, a lecture, the opening of a new DVD outlet, whatever is going on in your town - but nothing outrageous or too flashy or expensive. The public activity is really best for the first shot, again for a lot of reasons, but sometimes a home invitation can be appropriate and positive enough.

This is the old fashioned way to dip your toe in the dating pond, and it's pretty safe. It requires some maturity on your part, and some degree of self confidence - which is why you put something "external" on the table that is of interest until you can come to the point with her (and with yourself) where you are confident that you are interesting in and of yourself, regardless of your concerns about your looks (which I can assure you are probably just fine - none of the many, many memorable dates, friends, partners, and lovers in my life are memorable because of their looks!)

And if you get shot down, regardless of whether she is awkward, shy, or rude when she does it, don't take it too personally, and don't get strange about it. Don't avoid the store, don't change your friendly demeanor, don't feel bad. Just chalk it up to a reasonable effort that didn't work out for what could have been a dozen reasons unrelated to you.

If you can do anything more to confirm her availability (without being a stalker) - like asking one of the guys who works there - and you are paying attention to obvious signs (like a diamond on her left ring finger, a hickey on her neck!) that's sometimes smart. But sometimes you just gotta go in blind and give it a try.

This is a perfectly normal and reasonable interest. It's not creepy to have people "hit up" on you at work or anywhere within reason (although I did have a female friend once who was horrified to have her gynecologist ask her out while she was up on the table in the stirrups) UNLESS the person doing the "hitting up" is acting like a creep. So don't be creepy. This is how people meet one another, you know.

Good luck.
 

Jeffrey Noel

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I totally agree with Janna. No matter how afraid/shy/nervous you are, you should go for it! What have you got to lose? If she says no, then just blow it off. There's plenty more fish in the sea!
 

Kurt B

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I second what was said. She may say no, but by asking you give her the opportunity to say yes

Good luck.
 

Patrick Sun

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What about having business cards printed up with all of your wonderful traits, and hobbies/interest, with phone number and email address on them. Just give the lass one of the cards if she's a little reticent about going out with a "stranger", and if she changes her mind, she'll have your card. (Okay, a nerdy thing to do, but I knew a guy who had his resume on a business card, and he passed them out when he went hunting for jobs).
 

Bob McLaughlin

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Derek,

Go for it. I am not a particularly good-looking guy, but I had no trouble getting girl's phone numbers back when I was single in the early 1990's, I hope the dating scene hasn't changed much since then!

The key is to just be honest and yourself. I got a date with the cute girl at the video rental store just by saying something like, "I never get enough time to talk to you here, do you mind if I call you some time?" Getting that number puts you on the other side of the fence. You're no longer just some customer, and you can talk to her outside of the context of her work.

Don't be cocky when you ask, but be relaxed and smile nicely. It won't work every time, but it beats wondering if you should do anything about it, meanwhile some other guy could beat you to the punch.

Oh, and timing is important...don't ask her in front of her co-workers, and not while she's busy.
 

BryanZ

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Dec 18, 2000
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Definately do what Janna said. I find meeting in a semi public place is best. What I mean by semi public is public enough to not be alone and private enough to where you can have a conversation without having to yell yet still having a private conversation. The other thing I'd look for is a ring. If she has either an engagement or wedding ring on, that is off limits.
 

Tommy G

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Sep 19, 2000
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If I were you, I would definitely take the advice of Janna. You were extremely fortunate to get a response from a woman.
Oh and Janna
(although I did have a female friend once who was horrified to have her gynecologist ask her out while she was up on the table in the stirrups)
I can't believe that! That is the most inappropriate thing I have ever heard of.
 

Dean DeMass

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Better yet, if you are a gynecologist, Janna just gave a good idea on what to do.

The best advice, is be yourself and just don't creep her out. Be polite and courteous.
-Dean-
 

Derek Miner

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Feb 22, 1999
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Thanks for all the advice, gal and guys. When I read Janna's reply, I realized my nervousness must have come across in my original post. :b
There's a lot of things I can't fathom. One of them is how I can find myself, say at work, so confident and sure that I might even get cocky, but when it comes to something like approaching people I don't know, my brain completely shuts down. I've gotten better over the years, but I still get nervous. Isn't there some therapy or hypnosis for this?

At least when I came here for advice, I had made up my mind that I needed to do something, I just didn't know the best way to go about it.
I did go to Suncoast today, to buy a frame for a new one-sheet, and She was working. There was a co-worker at the register with Her, however. I browsed a bit, hoping the guy would go away, but when I gave up and went to check out, there were THREE employees behind the counter.

When I was walking through the mall however, I did start looking at women's hands for rings, since I hadn't really considered what a simple sign that would be. At the Suncoast, I did get a look at Her hand. At first, I thought the game was over, because She appeared to have a ring on the left ring finger. But on a second glance, it happened to be the left middle finger... It didn't look like an engagement or wedding ring anyway, it was a round, dark gem of some sort. So unless this has some symbolism I'm not aware of, I guess I must return.
Unfortunately, I think I should hang back from going to the mall again for at least a week... I'll have to bring myself back down from getting pumped up. I have to go frame my High Fidelity poster now.
 

DennisHP

Second Unit
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Very well put Janna. Are you free this weekend? I've got this new DVD....

Just kidding! I don't even live in Alaska.
 

DonRoeber

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Learn how to cook, and clean. Women love that!
My girlfriend still swoons over the scar I have on my finger from washing the dishes. A glass shattered in my hand. Wasn't too much fun, but wasn't all that damaging either. But I've got a cool scar that women love!
 

Rob_J

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I say go for it! You have nothing to lose and lots to gain. I know exactly what you are saying though, I'm a pretty shy guy myself and I never go up to women and ask them out directly (at least when I'm sober
)
My suggestion would be to start up a conversation somehow. Once you're talking, you can tell if she's into you or not. If she is, just ask if she'd like to meet you someplace like a party or event or something (preferrably public). If you ask her out and she says no, or she's busy, don't take it personally and you may even want to suggest something else. At least she'll know how much you want to get to know her.
This approach worked for me. As I said, I never approach women with the sole intent of asking them out, except for one time. I was on a conference and I noticed a cute girl working a booth at the expo. We made some eye contact so I had a hunch she was into me. I left the expo and got to thinking "hey, what have I got to lose?" I went back to the expo (was hoping there were more people so I could blend in, but I was the only one in that area:b), approached her and asked a really dumb question about the company she worked for, just to break the ice. She was very receptive and we hit it off. We e-mail each other every day, and we met back in June. Unfortunately, she's in PA and I'm in western Canada, so it's kind of hard to take it any further.
But you never know what the future will bring...
That's my advice, best of luck to you!
 

Jason Boucher

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Janna handled that so well that maybe we should designate her the HTF Advice Expert, "Ask Janna." She could probably be a lot of help to many of us HTF geeks.
 

Jesse Skeen

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About a year ago I was talking to this girl who worked at Togo's about every time I went there for lunch, and right about when I got to thinking about asking her out, she mentioned something about her BOYFRIEND in a conversation!
I'd already tried to figure out if she already had one; I wanted to tell her she should've mentioned Him a while earlier!
 

Jon_B

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I've always been attracted to unavailable women. I don't know what it is. I bet if you assembled 10 women in a room and all but one of them were available, I would be most attracted to the unavailble one. Without even knowing their status. Maybe I just pick up on that they are happier than the others?

Jon
 

Rob Gillespie

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Yup, the dreaded 'b' word. You usually get it within about three minutes of starting a conversation

Carrying on from my post in the previous 'meeting' thread - the girl at the gym. I got to know her a bit over the past couple of weeks and she really is a lovely lass. Carly, her name is. However she's also engaged which kind of makes things difficult :b I didn't find that out until I casually asked her if she fancied going out for a drink sometime, which contradicts what I said above totally. Never mind.
I always chat to her when she's there and she never seems wary or offhanded with me. She did say she was very flattered about being asked out, which was something she didn't have to say. I'm glad she didn't go cold on me because she's turning out to be a jolly good friend.
 

Cees Alons

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Cees Alons
... and right about when I got to thinking about asking her out, she mentioned something about her BOYFRIEND...
Sensitive girl!

Communication is more than the words people say. Very nice of her to feel what was going on and spare you a possibly embarassing situation!

Cees
 

Scott Strang

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May 28, 1999
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Kurt Sez

She may say no, but by asking you give her the opportunity to say yes.
Now that is one of the best, most positive statements I've ever seen. The way you crafted that statement was brilliant.

BTW, I'm dead serious (i.e. not being sarcastic).

She could just as easily say yes as she could no.

And there's nothing creepy about asking a lady out that you meet at their place of employment. That's how it works.

And if she says no then so what; it's her loss.

One day while on the air at a radio station a woman called with the voice of an angel to request a song. I didn't play it (not in our rotation; I burned her a CD of the song she wanted instead) but that didn't bother her any. I asked her out and we've been married nearly 4 years.

My situation may be upside down and backwards compared to yours, but it works the same way.
 

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