another "friends with the ex" thread

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Mark Schermerhorn, Aug 1, 2002.

  1. Mark Schermerhorn

    Mark Schermerhorn Second Unit

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    Ok, this isn't about if it's possible to be friends with the ex, because it is in this case. It's how to deal with her insecure-new-boyfriend.

    I'll try to keep the background short. We broke up about a year and a half ago after dating a year. Took me about 7 months to get over her. We work great as friends, we just don't have chemistry. So we've been pretty good friends ever since we broke up (there were some shaky times when I was still getting over her but those times are past). So basically, any issues between us have been worked through, and we get along great. I'm not interested in her romantically and have been pursuing other women for about a year now.

    So she's been serious with this guy for about 6 months or so. He's basically a jock version of myself. Decent guy. I've been around him 4 or 5 times. Non-confrontational, easy going guy. The ex has told me stories of how he has been upset when I'm along for various group activities (I never go out with just them, that would be too strange). He claims we flirt and is bothered if we hang out when he's out of town (he travels a lot with his job). I can't say I blame him for that, it would bug me too, although if this were someone I would potentially be marrying (as I can see them doing), I would find a way to deal with it. It's obvious that he's just insecure about it, nothing would ever happen with us and he knows it. He's just spoiled with women, as he's always gotten what he wants from the sound of it. I don't have too much sympathy for him on this one.

    She's had talks with him about it before, and in her words "he's ok with it intellectually". Unfortunately she's pretty passive about it and as such we haven't been hanging out as much. This came up when I saw her on Monday, when I found out how much it really bothered him, previously I thought I was just a small nuisance to him. She says she's going to talk with him again about it, because she misses hanging out with me at the coffee shop, talking about whatever and reading books.

    So I was wondering if I should do anything about it, like, talk to him? Right now I don't think it's a good idea, it could backfire, I don't know how would react. On the other hand, it could reassure him, he doesn't really know me and maybe a chat could calm him down. So I'm wondering what people think. If you have any experience with "the ex's new bf/gf" I'd like to hear what happened.

    I'm not in a rush to do anything, I'm not in much of a position to do anything anyway, I mean, he either trusts her or he doesn't. But I'd still like to see what people think.
     
  2. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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    How much time do you spend with your ex? How frequently?

    Ask your ex how often she talks about you when with him. Maybe she likes talking about how much fun you had together, and it would (perhaps understandably, if this happens a lot) bother him.
     
  3. Mark Schermerhorn

    Mark Schermerhorn Second Unit

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    hmm, right now I see her about once a month. Last Monday was the first time it was just her and I in about 6 months. We do email almost daily, normally just regular chit chat.

    I know she used to talk about me a lot, I don't think she does as much anymore. She *does* like me a lot, as a friend. I'm sure she's explained to him how we didn't have the best chemistry, whereas they do.
     
  4. Ryan Wright

    Ryan Wright Screenwriter

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  5. Holadem

    Holadem Lead Actor

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    Exactly how do you define chemistry? Sounds like lots of it to me... [​IMG]
    I am serious btw, I would really like to know.
    [EDIT] I saw read Ryan's post and he is absolutely right on this one. How often does that happen? [​IMG]
    --
    Holadem
     
  6. Greg_R

    Greg_R Screenwriter

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  7. Jeff Pryor

    Jeff Pryor Supporting Actor

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    It's time to let this friendship go, man. I know you might not like the sound of that, but it would be better for all 3 of you. Triangles like this have a way of exploding when you least expect it, and you might not want to be on the recieving end.
     
  8. Todd Hochard

    Todd Hochard Cinematographer

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    Hmm...I actually agree with Ryan, for a change.[​IMG]
    Either get back with her, or let it go.
     
  9. Luis S

    Luis S Supporting Actor

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    Ryan...The Yoda of relationships [​IMG] But he is absolutely right, these things dont work that way,many have tried,All eventually failed.Men and women simply cannot remain friends AND be seriously involved with someone else,sooner or later it all comes crashing dow around you.If you care about her happiness maybe its time to let her go?
     
  10. Dean DeMass

    Dean DeMass Screenwriter

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    IMHO, the only way you can continue to be friends with an "ex" is if you decide to only date within the same sex. Seriously. No man wants his girlfriend hanging out with their ex-boyfriends. I am a very secure person and am not jealous, but even I draw the line somewhere. Why you ask? Because I am a guy, and I know how guys are. Most guys cannnot be "just friends" with a girl, especially if they are attractive. It just never works. People die because of things like this.
    I tried being friends with my ex-wife and that worked for about a whole 4 weeks. Not because of her dating, but just because I realized how annoying she was. [​IMG]
    Either get back together with this girl or end the friendship. I know guys and girls can be friends without anything sexual, but it never works because jealousy is human nature.
    -Dean-
     
  11. Holadem

    Holadem Lead Actor

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  12. Charles J P

    Charles J P Cinematographer

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    Ryan is Wright [​IMG] (I slay me). I doubt this relationship looks the same to outsiders as it feels to you.
     
  13. AllanN

    AllanN Supporting Actor

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    Almost the exact same thing happened to me. Although my ex actually married him and he is really jealous. I think he is jealous because they dated right after we broke up. So if she can leave me she can leave him to. She said she felt really bad going behind his back but she still cared about our friendship. I decided it was not worth it anymore and told her that I would like to be friends if she and her husband can work something out if not goodbye. I have not heard from her in almost 9 months. As each days goes on I could care less if she ever decides to contact me again. If he is really that jealous I think you are just going to have to cut your losses. He will never not be jealous and she will always feel guilty about seeing you against his wishes.
     
  14. Mark Schermerhorn

    Mark Schermerhorn Second Unit

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    Holodem: I define chemistry as sexual energy. We didn't create all that much.

    Ryan: We probably do flirt in a sense, but mainly because we know each other that well. I have no interest in getting her back. There are things about her I REALLY don't like in a relationship setting. Friends is plenty.

    She's an electrical engineer, so almost all of her friends are guys anyway. So he'll HAVE to at least deal with them. She lost all of her female friends from before college when she left a certain religion that doesn't allow people to speak to those who have left.

    Hmm.

     
  15. Jefferson

    Jefferson Supporting Actor

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    I say...it can work, "private jokes" and all, but
    It depends on all 3 of you being secure and not jealous.
    Unfortunately, one of the three usually has at least some insecurity or jealousy about it, whether it is the new significant, or one of the "exes".
    As the person who started the "other" thread on this topic, i will say that.....my ex and I did decide to stop hanging out, because i still had feelings.......not because of the new person's reaction. They were secure.....I was just an insecure ex.
    I must say that a weight has been lifted from me since it ended, and i'm much happier.
    I never thought that could be true, but it is.
     
  16. Patrick Sun

    Patrick Sun Moderator
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    Actually, I think it depends on the people involved. There are people who are capable of loving (not in the physical sense) many different people as much as the others without sacrificing a soul mate. They are simply very empathetic, and bring a level of comfort to their friends that never borders on attachment that should create jealousy or mistrust.

    Some people are needy, and have to have their SO's totally involved with them and no one else. Some people can see how being friends with others (regardless of gender) can help their SO grow into what they want to become. It all depends on how secure you are in your relationship, and how well you trust your SO.

    Human nature, being what it is, will dictate that more often than not, jealousy does rear its ugly head in situations like this, and will dictate that a choice be made or the situation becomes untenable for them.

    The question is: How big is your heart?
     
  17. Jefferson

    Jefferson Supporting Actor

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    [​IMG]
    Exactly what i meant, Patrick, but i didn't say it as well.
     
  18. Mark Schermerhorn

    Mark Schermerhorn Second Unit

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    If it gets to the point where he absolutely can't handle it then she'll have to decide, and whatever it is I will accept it.
    It's hard enough to find true friends you can trust in this world, it just seems sad that I'd have to give one up because someone is having irrational thoughts.
    Patrick: What exactly do you mean by "How big is your heart"?
    Heh...why does life have to be so complicated sometimes [​IMG]
     
  19. Jefferson

    Jefferson Supporting Actor

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    .it finally came down to a "day of decision" for us, too, and we decided that it had to end.
    But, I think about what you said all the time....that was my best friend...and it was unthinkable to be without my best friend anymore....even though the sex died out long ago...but, you know what?
    There was a stress about the whole thing that i didn't notice until it was over.....and I felt sad, but like a weight had been lifted, in a way. I didn't expect that. I hope the best for you[​IMG]
     
  20. TimDoss

    TimDoss Second Unit

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    If they've only been going out for six months, back off and
    give him some time at least. The relationship is still new and they're still in a stage where
    they are figuring out what kind of person the other is. That's real hard
    to do with an ex-boyfriend hanging around.
    That's at the very least. I'm actually in the camp that agrees with Ryan. I don't have a problem with my girlfriend
    having male friends, but I don't want her to go out with any
    of them. And I definitely couldn't take hanging out with her ex. Call it insecure, call it jealousy, call it whatever
    the hell you want... it just ain't gonna work. And like was
    mentioned before, if you care about her and her happiness then you will step back and let her and this new guy find out
    if they're going to work.

    And another thing, trust has been mentioned a lot here, I trust my girlfriend... I don't trust men. Whether or not a girlfriend will return the flirting or do anything with you is where his trust comes in, it does not when he's considering
    what you might do, feelings you may develop or how far you will go.
     

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