Annual 'Best & Worst' HDTV List

Discussion in 'TV Shows' started by chuck_b, Oct 13, 2005.

  1. chuck_b

    chuck_b Supporting Actor

    Jan 13, 2003
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    Jessica Alba looks even better in high-def, but Teri Hatcher and Demi Moore should run for cover.

    Editor's Note: The High-Definition TV picture is so clear that aging signs and skin imperfections are dramatically visible. Phillip Swann, president of, generated international media attention for his 2004 list of the 10 celebrities who look better -- and worse -- under the unforgiving lens of high-def. Now, Swanni has named his 2005 'Best and Worst' in HDTV.

    10 'HDTV Horribles'

    1. Teri Hatcher
    In high-def, the Desperate Housewives star looks really desperate. Hatcher's forehead is covered with bulging veins, making it look like a page from a AAA Road Map. And speaking of traveling, she looks like she hasn't driven to a restaurant in years. Hatcher is so skinny that she makes Calista Flockhart look like Queen Latifah. At the 2005 Emmys (the pre-show Red Carpet appearances were broadcast in high-def on INHD), Hatcher's face looked horrible.

    2. Demi Moore
    Yikes, boyfriend (husband?) Ashton Kutcher stars in That 70s Show, but his main squeeze looks like she belongs in That 50s Show. Moore is only 42, but her skin is extremely coarse and leathery. She also has those tell-tale wrinkles around her lips, suggesting she's a chain-smoker. In case she hasn't noticed, frequent smoking is terrible for the skin -- and it shows up in high-def. Moore used to be in the Brat Pack, but her face looks like it's been buried in a cigarette pack.

    3. Donald Trump
    And speaking of the Emmys, Trump's face on the 2005 pre-show HD broadcast looked more puffed up than one of his hotel's quarterly reports. I haven't seen fatter cheeks since before Oprah went on a diet. Plus, at the Emmys, Trump's face was covered with an odd mixture of orange and white. Donald, I have two words for your HDTV make-up man: You're fired!

    4. Heather Locklear
    The 44-year-old TV star is a classic case of the 'HDTV effect.' In regular TV, she still looks great, sexy as ever. But in high-def, the aging lines and wrinkles are everywhere. She looks like a different person.

    5. David Letterman
    Speaking of lines, the late night host has more lines in his face than his joke writers have lines in their heads. It's amazing how different Letterman looks in high-def. In regular analog TV, he just looks his usual cranky self. But in HDTV, his face has more creases than a 10-year-old pair of pants.

    6. President George W. Bush
    I saw the president's 2004 GOP convention speech in high-def and he looked okay -- not great, but not bad. But I saw a high-def video of Bush shortly before the New Orleans hurricane crisis and he had that thing that every second-term president eventually gets -- looking older than you really are. The president's face was haggard and coarse, as if the entire weight of the world was on his shoulders. Which, of course, it is. And, after New Orleans and the continuing struggles in Iraq, it may not get any better.

    7. Ray Liotta
    Hide the kids! Liotta, who often plays a mobster, looked so scary at the 2005 Emmys that I was ready for an Audience Protection Program. His face was scaly and covered with pockmarks. And his eyes were just slits; it looks like he can barely open them. Which could be an advantage when he goes to the mirror every morning.

    8. Sandra Bullock
    The Miss Congeniality star wouldn't win any beauty contests in high-def; she's 41, but her face looks even older in HD. Even worse, her skin looks like she's had an acne problem for some time.

    9. Former President Bill Clinton
    I think Monica would discard her presidential kneepads if she saw Clinton now. In high-def. the former president's face is littered with blood-curdling corpuscles. Yeech. And the bags under his eyes are so big that you could put $100 worth of groceries in them. And, maybe it's my imagination, but his nose seems to have gotten bigger, like he's a real-life Pinocchio. As Clinton gets older, he's starting to look like the old comedian W.C. Fields.

    10. Clint Eastwood
    I love his work, but in high-def, Clint's face looks like his first TV show: Rawhide!

    And now, we present:

    10 'HDTV Honeys'

    1. Jessica Alba
    It's appropriate that Ms. Alba starred in Sin City because she looks so good in high-def that it should be a sin. Her skin is luscious and her lips are full and fleshy. This Alba is the toast of the town.

    2. Eva Longoria
    Speaking of food, Teri Hatcher's co-star looked sensational at the 2005 Emmys. During the HDTV Red Carpet broadcast, Longoria's skin was creamy; her eyes a rich deep chocolate; and the plunging neckline of her dress evoked the joys of strawberries. Put it all together, Longoria was one big ice cream sundae.

    3. Anna Kournikova
    The erstwhile tennis star is one of three celebrities to repeat from the 'Best' list of 2004. God has given her a real talent -- and it's not her serve. Anna is absolutely gorgeous and she looks even better in high-def. Her skin is glistening and her eyes are sparkling. It won't last forever, but it probably will outlast her backhand.

    4. Ben Affleck
    Well, he's no honey -- not to me, anyway. But, in high-def, you can see why he's such a ladies man. Affleck is now 33, but his skin is as smooth as a 20-year-old. As Affleck gets older, this might make it more difficult for him to play character roles, which would seem to be his destiny, considering his recent string of box office duds.

    5. Ashton Kutcher
    Like Affleck, Mr. Demi Moore looks even younger than his years (27) in high-def. He shouldn't be dating Demi Moore; he should be dating Mandy Moore (who looks great in high-def, by the way.).

    6. Marcia Cross
    The Desperate Housewives star is 43 years old, but her face is smoother than President Clinton at a cocktail party. I don't know what face cream (or needle?) she's using but she should endorse it and sell it. Cross is the only post-40 star to make the list.

    7. Halle Berry
    Berry joins Kournikova as a repeat from the 2004 'Best' list. Despite being 37, she shows no signs of aging. Her skin is smooth and moist in high-def.

    8. Jessica Simpson
    The singer/actress has publicly endorsed the skin cream, ProActiv, and it must be working. In high-def, her face is flawless. And her body, well, she doesn't need any ProActiv there; it's already pretty active.

    9. Nicole Kidman
    Okay, she's probably injected more needles in her face than Jose Canseco has injected in baseball players' butts. But you can't dispute her beauty, whether it's low-def.or high. At 38, she can still handle a close-up from the highest resolution HDTV camera.

    10. Angelina Jolie
    Another repeat from the 2004 'Best' list. In high-def, it's easy to see why Brad Pitt left Jennifer for Jolie. Her only flaw is that Mt. Everest-size mole on her forehead.
  2. Garrett Lundy

    Garrett Lundy Producer

    Mar 5, 2002
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    Lets see how good you look at 76! [​IMG]

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