A little holiday cheer for you all...

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Jeremy Anderson, Dec 13, 2002.

  1. Jeremy Anderson

    Jeremy Anderson Screenwriter

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    To Admins: If this is taboo, please delete this thread. I just wanted to share something I wrote with the HTF.
    No, Virginia, There Is Not a Santa Claus
    By Jeremy L. Anderson
    As I grow older, I feel increasingly drawn to the idea of having children. This is not to say that I have a woman with whom to have such children, or that I am even remotely prepared on any financial level to properly raise a child. However, the more I see my friends having little ones, the more I understand that all of the major costs come from one area: holidays. To keep down costs, I will be telling my children the following lies:
    BIRTHDAYS – Your birthday is a day of jubilant celebration, on which you thank your mother and me for taking the considerable time to bring you into this world. You will thank us by cleaning the house and mowing the lawn. Sure, other children get gifts from their parents on their birthdays, but those children are using mind control.
    THE TOOTH FAIRY – If you see anyone in your room looking under your pillow, especially dressed like a fairy, immediately call the police. People who look under pillows are taking money, not leaving it. Your teeth have no inherent value.
    FATHER’S/MOTHER’S DAY – Hallmark is Latin for “the devil,” and they invent holidays to sell expensive greeting cards to morons. Many people don’t know this, but your grandfather fought a war against Hallmark back when they were called the Nazis. Don’t be lured by their shiny baubles… unless you don’t need your eternal soul.
    EASTER – Eggs are white and come from chickens. If you see anything resembling a multi-colored egg coming from that end of a bunny, do not eat it. Those other children invented the Easter Bunny to get candy. Damn them and their infernal mind control!
    LABOR DAY – Once a year, the government lets you out of school so that you can see what work is like. To understand this, you will be spending this day cleaning the house and mowing the lawn.
    VETERAN’S DAY – Your grandfather didn’t lose his leg fighting those Hallmark bastards for nothing! And you will celebrate our victory by cleaning the house and mowing the lawn.
    JULY 4TH/NEW YEAR’S DAY – The Chinese created these holidays during a time when the world had lost interest in fireworks. Since then, people of lesser intelligence irrationally buy fireworks twice a year. Your grandfather, during his time in a Hallmark prison camp, learned that the Chinese were spiking the gunpowder with mind-altering substances that weaken the human spirit. If you see so much as a sparkler, hold your breath and RUN!
    HALLOWEEN – Those children that we keep telling you about… You know, the ones with the mind control? Once a year, they dress up in costumes and harass people until they are bought off with candy. Extortion is sinful, and if you see these godless heathens approaching our yard, you should pelt them with rocks.
    THANKSGIVING – This is the day when we give thanks for the blessings we have received… such as freedom from the Chinese firework conspiracy and the tyranny of the Hallmark war machine. Like most other holidays, you will be celebrating by cleaning the house and mowing the lawn. However, your mother will bake cookies for you after you wash and wax our cars. Won’t that be nice?
    CHRISTMAS – Santa Claus is a lie. If anything comes down the chimney during the month of December, it is going to get a crotch full of buckshot. If a fat white man in a red suit ever asks you to sit on his lap and tell him what you want, you should immediately call the police. Those nefarious mind-controlling kids have made their parents so insane that they’re cutting down trees and putting them in their living rooms! Christmas is obviously when their psychic powers are strongest. Therefore, to keep from being overtaken by their powerful mind-rays, you must keep yourself distracted… by cleaning the house and mowing the lawn.
    Oh, hell… Maybe I’ll just get a puppy.
     
  2. Brian Harnish

    Brian Harnish Screenwriter

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    LMFAO!! [​IMG]
    That's hilarious! Twisted, yeah, but still hilarious! Great work. [​IMG]
     
  3. Leila Dougan

    Leila Dougan Screenwriter

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    Thanks for the laughs, Jeremy!!
     
  4. Jeremy Anderson

    Jeremy Anderson Screenwriter

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    Thanks. A local paper apparently thought it was funny enough to publish, so... you got to enjoy it for FREE! [​IMG]
     

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