A Letter of Complaint

Steve Christou

Long Member
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Manchester, England
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Steve Christou
A friend sent me this email that he received at his company, I laughed out loud when I read it, this guy is a bit miffed wouldn't you say?
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Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking and drinking coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your fucking company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
----------------------------------------------------------
Youch!
 

Thom B

Stunt Coordinator
Joined
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Messages
213
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaHahahaha..haha..heh...........HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHahaha....hehheh...sigh.
Thanks for sharing! That's the funniest thing I've read in a considerable time. I have to hand it to you Brits. You have quite a way with words.
T
 

Mark Schermerhorn

Second Unit
Joined
Sep 24, 2000
Messages
354
hahahahahahahaha....

That's almost as funny as evil Bert, which I'm still laughing about...gotta love those Brits...
I love trying to hold back laughter at work...I think everyone thinks I'm crying....hahahaha...
But what exactly is a "bog in your office"? I've never heard that one before...
 

Stephen_Opipari

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Stephen
ROFLMAO!!!
That is halarious.
I showed the thread to a buddy of mine at an unnamed midwestern teleco and he said that was about par for the complaints they get about DSL at that same unnamed midwestern teleco.
 

SteveGon

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Steve Gonzales
Man, I'd love to send something like that to whipping-boys Wal-Mart and Blockbuster...
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He thought on homeland, the big timber, the air thin and chill all the year long. Tulip poplars so big through the trunk they put you in mind of locomotives set on end. He thought of getting home and building him a cabin on Cold Mountain so high that not a soul but the nighthawks passing across the clouds in autumn could hear his sad cry. Of living a life so quiet he would not need ears. And if Ada would go with him, there might be the hope, so far off in the distance he did not even really see it, that in time his despair might be honed off to a point so fine and thin that it would be nearly the same as vanishing.
-- Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain
 

MickeS

Producer
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Is it just me, or is foul language in British English a lot funnier than foul language in American English?
/Mike
 

Steve Christou

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Steve Christou
"You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy."
Fuck the guys a poet!!
A brilliant use of adjectives, I wish I was half as good at written rage as this guy is, the words and hatred just flow seamlessly, great stuff.
 

NickSo

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Nick So
Hehe, quote from family guy (Paraphrased):
British 'Pub' owner: "Fine, then we will have to use our superior linguestic skills to leave this place"
(after Peter and the guys go into their bar after it was bought by brits, trying to take it back)
A fine example of that right here!
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The So Family Home Theater!
http://www.multimania.com/sonick182/ht/index.html
You're all entitled to your opinion, but you're all wrong!!! - Paul Dalmine
ICQ: 8593599
 

Bill Catherall

Screenwriter
Joined
Aug 1, 1997
Messages
1,560
I imagine that if Dr. Seuss wrote a complaint letter it would be very much like this one.

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Bill


[Edited last by Bill Catherall on October 11, 2001 at 05:29 PM]
 

PatrickM

Screenwriter
Joined
Aug 10, 2000
Messages
1,138
That was a brilliant letter. The English definitely have a way with words. To thoroughly insult someone with flair is not an easy task.
Patrick
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My DVD Collection
Patrick The 69th most popular name for boys according to the Social Security Administration.
 

BrettB

Cinematographer
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3,019
bog = toilet
I thought it was a lue (sp)?
I am thouroughly impressed with the indefatigable nature of the dressing-down. Although verbose, the impeccable use of the language (caustic and otherwise) to demonstrate his disdain is admirable indeed.

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God Bless America
 

andrew markworthy

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That's the trouble with us Brits - we're just so uptight and reserved we can't adequately express ourselves.
 

brentl

Effects Supervisor
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May 7, 1999
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"seemingly limitless inadequancy" More consonents than I use in a paragraph

FANtastic
Brent L
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OK guys ..... The tour of the Paradigm
plant is now being planned. GO TO THE HOME THEaTER
MEETS PAGE and register.
 

Steve_Green

Auditioning
Joined
Jul 24, 2001
Messages
5
Well, thanks for that.......
My divorce was finalised today and i needed something to make me laugh and that certainly did the job!
Now i'm going to go home, get ready, go out and get completely pissed!!!
Great life eh!

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Steve Green
Beware my friends
as you pass by
As you are now
so once was I
As I am now
so you must be
Prepare my friends
to follow me
 

tyler O

Stunt Coordinator
Joined
Oct 25, 2000
Messages
165
"I would like to register a complaint!"

I'm with you Steve, I had a separation begin less than a week ago. Thank you greatly Mssr. Christou! You bring such joy almost every time I read your posts.
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Alex Spindler

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Hey, I work at a certain unnamed Midwestern telecom, and I nearly fell out of my chair. I only wish he had completely avoided foul language, because then I could forward this to everyone!
Gets to work sanitizing for distribution!
 

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