A day of freedom (semi-political satire/humor)

Discussion in 'After Hours Lounge (Off Topic)' started by Eric_L, Apr 14, 2003.

  1. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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    ((I hope this doesn't cross the line of political discourse))

    This morning I awoke to the sound of my UL listed FCC approved clock/radio set to my favorite licensed station with my favorite licensed DJ.

    I next used my federally mandated 1.6 gallon toilet, flushing twice to do the job completely. I then made breakfast with USDA approved bacon and some cereal. I read the federal standard nutrition chart on the box while eating.

    I put on my clothes and jumped in my licensed car that I've owned since I was of legal driving age. (and yes, I remembered my drivers license). Driving well within the speed limits I arrived to work a few minutes early. I took the time to read about the many federal protections afforded to me at work that are posted in the breakroom. (Where I spend no less than 10 minutes every 4 hours plus a 30 min lunch thanks to labor laws.)

    I work in an industry that requires me to have a professional license to operate. The government mandantes ongoing continued education. Though it is not unseful education, it keeps the riff-raff out.

    Finally lunchtime! Many good restaurants nearby. All of which post their occupational licenses prominently and have clean health dept records.

    I have an appointment with my licensed home builder during lunch. He says we're being held up by the local government permitting dept. It seems their inspector is on vacation. Luckily my FDIC insured bank follows federal lending standards and hasn't made any disbursements yet, except to pay the local impact fees (tax). When my house is done it will be nice, but the taxes on it will be brutal.

    Back at the office things are going well. Then someone has the lack of IQ to start telling me about the Seinfeld episode they saw last night featuring the name 'Deloris'. Good thing I was there to stop them before someone got offended and accused him of breaking federal laws against a hostile workplace.

    It is payday and my check is generous, though the federal govt does impound about 20% of it for their own purposes. Some goes to my health insurance (thank goodness the govt regulates that industry) and some goes to my 401k govt approved tax shelter.

    After work I stop by the grocery store and dutifully pay tax on all of the foods there that meet federal standards. Then I get gas. (for my car, not from my food!) Goodness, look how much is taxed! I need a beer! I am of legal age so I go to the local pub. Beer is taxed too!!? Of course! The Pub must collect it in order to retain their liquor license. In the mandated smoke-free pub I drink just one beer, or else I may go over federally allowed limits while driving home. I used to sober up at the strip club before the no lap-dance ordinance and the required pasties ordinance went into effect.

    When I get home i turn on the UL listed lights (powered by the semi-private utility) and fix dinner. I turn on the TV and watch FCC approved programming, guranteed not to offend me with language or nudity. I turn on the subscription only playboy channel for a few brief moments and watch girls of legal age prance about nakie.

    I pay my phone bill, with a fair amount of tax. I call my mom to complain about it and she blames it on the splitup of Ma Bell by the government in 84.

    I spend a little while planning my vacation to Yosemite, a national park. For a free park this trip will sure be expensive! I sure wish I owned that park... I'd make a fortune!

    The History channel is running a documentary about the Boston Tea Party. I jokingly wonder if they had a permit for that function.

    As I watch the news channel discussing the government deficit I drift off to sleep. A nightmare about being a lemming running off a cliff awakens me with a start!

    Dang! If only the government could regulate my dreams too!

    I drift back to sleep comfortable in knowing that I live in the land of the free, where anyone can buy a license to do any federally sanctioned and regulated activity.


    ((Thats it! Post any more thoughts you may have, especially the humerous satirical ones! - but keep off the politics! I don't want to read about 'All conservatives should be banished to Ecuador' or anything. It'll get this thread shut down.))
     
  2. MickeS

    MickeS Producer

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  3. Ike

    Ike Screenwriter

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    That's hilarious! Who wrote that?
     
  4. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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    You forgot to mention the liquor-serving smoke-free strip clubs with the anti-lapdance bylaw!
     
  5. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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  6. Mike Lenthol

    Mike Lenthol Second Unit

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    If you think we are over-regulated in US, try living in Europe [​IMG]
     
  7. MickeS

    MickeS Producer

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    Mike, I think that's the kind of comment he specifically asked NOT to recieve....
     
  8. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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    Nah, that comment is fine. Just want to keep it from being inflammatory. Some specific examples of ludicrous European regulations would be good though. For example, the EU is trying to CHARGE American vintners who make bordeaux or champaign because they are using the name of French regions in describing their products, yet they are not paying royalties!

    Just imagine, one day we may have to pay royalties for French Kissing!
     
  9. Vince Maskeeper

    Vince Maskeeper Producer

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    I think a more accurate parallel would be paying royalties if you're CHARGING MONEY for french kissing. [​IMG]

    -Vince
     
  10. Ryan Wright

    Ryan Wright Screenwriter

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  11. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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    Forget about the laws. I want to know more about the "violating" part.
     
  12. Steve Schaffer

    Steve Schaffer Producer

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    FYI, in Great Britain one must pay a yearly license fee for one's television set just as we pay yearly license fees for our cars.

    They have little trucks running around that can detect tv set electronic emmissions to catch unlicensed set users and the fine is quite hefty.
     
  13. BrianB

    BrianB Producer

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  14. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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    BBC, hmmm, subscription TV or else! Now THAT's freedom!
     
  15. Marvin

    Marvin Screenwriter

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  16. Jay Taylor

    Jay Taylor Supporting Actor

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    In southern Italy many of the one-story homes have a staircase going to the non-existent second floor. This really looks weird when you see an entire row of homes with concrete stairs to nowhere.

    It seems that as long as the house hasn't completed construction they don't have to pay taxes on it.

    Some of these "unfinished" houses are over 50 years old!

    Jay Taylor
     
  17. Max Leung

    Max Leung Producer

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    Where would we be without SMPTE standards? We'd all have magenta tinted grayscales on our TV sets and projectors!

    The horror!

    (Hey I like the strip club addition. Great idea. [​IMG])

    EDIT: Ok, how the heck did my message get posted before Mark's, and ahead of Jay's? Hey wait a minute...it's not 2:51 pm! It's 5:51 PM my time! Hmmm...
     
  18. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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  19. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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  20. Eric_L

    Eric_L Screenwriter

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