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Anyone else have a FEAR of DATING???


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#1 of 121 OFFLINE   Jenna

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Posted August 14 2002 - 12:57 PM

Have developed an intense FEAR of DATING over the last couple of years. I meet some nice, cute guys, but find myself "psyching myself out" of the potential relationship prior to our first date! Then I end up cancelling the date for any number of excuses. I never even give the guy a chance. I realize what I'm doing, but can't stop it. I know I need to start trusting men again, but it's harder than you think.

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE men! I love to flirt, and love to have male friends who I can hang out with. But when I feel one getting too close, it makes me uncomfortable and I start avoiding them. Maybe I'm just not ready to put my heart "out there" again. Like the Elton John lyrics: "don't feel nothing, just feel pain." I

Anyone going through the same thing???

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#2 of 121 OFFLINE   Paul D Young

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:00 PM

I have a fear of dating too. I fear my wife would beat me up if she found out!Posted Image
Just kidding of course.

#3 of 121 OFFLINE   joe rizzuto

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:20 PM

"Don't get me wrong...I LOVE men! I love to flirt, and love to have male friends who I can hang out with. But when I feel one getting too close, it makes me uncomfortable and I start avoiding them."

can i ask what the need to 'get close'is? maybe try dating and not getting close. date several men at once. there is no great need to move quickly and get hurt again.
be honest with them and let them know you prefer to date but not become romantically involved, at least not at first.
let me out!

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#4 of 121 OFFLINE   Jason Seaver

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:29 PM

Yeah, but mostly because I never figured out how to go about it. It's one of those activities that just seems to scream out "there's got to be a better way!"
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#5 of 121 OFFLINE   Aurel Savin

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:34 PM

Jenna ... you sound like the ideal woman. Afraid of commitment ... what is your phone number? Posted Image

But seriously ... me and my girlfriend of 2 years just broke up 3 months ago and it hurts like hell. The thing is ... I am in NY and she is in Hungary now and it is not like we can just reconcile. We separated on good terms, it was just our goals for the short term were not the same and we decided to end it ... did I mention it hurts like hell!!! She was the first woman I really truely loved and still do.

So right now I am in the same boat as you, I have a fear of dating. I am in a "vendatta kinda mood" as Chris Walken said in True Romance.

But I have been going out with ladies here and there ... just feeling my way around (not literally Posted Image) and trying to figure out what I want.

I think that if you go out and know that you are in as much control of where the date and maybe eventual relationship is going .. you will be OK. Sounds like right now you leave too much in the hands of the guy.

So what is your number? Posted Image

#6 of 121 OFFLINE   NickSo

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:42 PM

Uh, joe, you MAY wanna put a quote vBcode onto the first lines of your post Posted Image

Posted Image paul haha.

Sorry i couldnt help though Posted Image


#7 of 121 OFFLINE   Max Leung

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:45 PM

As a card-carrying member of the male sex, I found it common for women to feel the same as you do, with varying degrees of intensity. To be fair, I've felt exactly the same as you did recently when I was unemployed, and during unhappy phases of my life. Is there something else unrelated to dating that is bothering you?

As for the general problem of dates not showing up and whatnot, what I've read from chat groups and dating-advice columnists suggests that this behavior is an unconscious "hard-to-get" strategy:

The "hard-to-get" woman misses the date (with no explanation or warning in many cases) or never returns the phone call, completely confusing the inexperienced male despite an engaging conversation and obvious signs of interest from the female. The most common advice I've seen goes something like this: Don't take it personally, a large percentage of women practice this behavior. It is just a part of dating. You can move on, or if you think she is really special, let her know that you are willing to give her up by leaving an ultimatum, saying, in effect, "I think you are wonderful, but something always seems to come up when I try to be with you. Instead of keeping my life on hold waiting for you to get your act together, I will move onto other things. See ya!"

A woman that realizes the attractive man that had been chasing her for the last month has lost interest in her will very quickly chase the man back before he is gone forever. (And if she didn't like him anyways, well, at least the man kept his dignity and self-esteem!)

Freely substitute "man" for "woman" and "woman" for "man" above. It happens both ways, although it is comparatively rare for the man to stand up his date!

Oddly enough, this advice seems to work...I was dating a woman a year ago who had stood me up a number of times (and not just me...all her friends too), despite a very encouraging exchange of letters and earlier dates. I let her know that I was not pleased with her disappearing act, and that I no longer wished to share correspondence or meet with her again. Three months later I got a letter from her expressing her regret at the situation (not an actual apology but oh well). It was a tough decision, but I decided not to answer...upon reflection I didn't think the relationship would work out in the long term anyways. At least I kept my sanity. Posted Image
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#8 of 121 OFFLINE   Chris Tsutsui

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Posted August 14 2002 - 01:57 PM

No surprise there, did you know that there are guys on this planet that are afraid of dating and approaching girls? I know, it's crazy...

So what's left is 2 people afraid to date eachother and one helluva boring date.

If you treated your first date like it was with your best friend you'd probably have a better time. It's not like u have to spend the rest of your life with them.

Have you ever dated someone that's a tease? One that says "Can I have a good night kiss?" and then says "Ok, I'll give you one next time we meet, good bye."

Your probably no better than they are... Posted Image


#9 of 121 OFFLINE   Brian Harnish

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Posted August 14 2002 - 09:58 PM

Chris Tutsui wrote:

Quote:
No surprise there, did you know that there are guys on this planet that are afraid of dating and approaching girls? I know, it's crazy...

I think the problem with that is that they're more afraid of being slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. No doubt brought upon by hardcore feminism (note, that I do not have a problem with feminism or equality between the sexes -- it's the unforeseen effects [e.g. nice guys and nice guyesque behavior] of feminism that I have a problem with) in the past several generations. Of course, the far-reaching unforeseen effects of feminism has plagued politically correct TV shows and some films. These TV shows/movies end up communicating to the nice guy that such behavior (giving women flowers, gifts, and other such things to win them over) is desired. Plus, women also say they want that behavior. Unfortunately, many men don't realize that what women say they want and what they really want are two different things. As a result, many males intentionally go after females with such unwanted behavior. And this in turn leads to women rejecting them, and ends up creating bitter males with a fear of dating. Then the vicious cycle repeats itself.

Quote:
If you treated your first date like it was with your best friend you'd probably have a better time. It's not like u have to spend the rest of your life with them.

Unfortunately, treating the first date like being with a best friend will no doubt get you into the dreaded FRIEND zone -- from whence there is no return! The girl already knows why you asked her out (yes, she does know your intentions) and it's only fair to be a man and let her know -- go for that kiss at the end of the date. Her reaction to it will show you her true interest level. Plus, you'll feel better about yourself that you did it.

#10 of 121 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted August 15 2002 - 12:54 AM

I don't have a fear of dating, just a fear of my date. That sounds weird. I don't have a fear of meeting women or setting up a date. But a few minutes before and during the date I get very nervous about weather she likes me or not. Now if I end up on a date and I find I don't like the other person, I completely relax. This is a problem because im never myself around the women that I want to go out with again.
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#11 of 121 OFFLINE   Micah Cohen

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Posted August 15 2002 - 01:09 AM

Does being lazy count as fear?

Girl calls me, and my first thought is, "Wow! I am so in love with this woman, this is great!" and about 10 minutes into any conversation I'm thinking, "How on earth do I get off the phone with this nut? I've got movies to watch!"

Walking back from Blockbuster with a handful of DVDs, passing the trendy bars in my neighborhood, I'm thinking, "Gad, I wish I had the energy to be in there with all the beautiful people hobnobbing, networking, kibbitzing and hooking up..." But it's just so much easier and less stressful to go home, fire up the theater and effortlessly ENJOY a film.

Laziness, or fear? Is my hour up already, doctor?

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#12 of 121 OFFLINE   Dan Galyen

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Posted August 15 2002 - 02:38 AM

Jenna:

It sounds like you were hurt pretty bad and are extremely "gunshy" about dating. After having my heart squished like a bug numerous times I just quit TRYING to find someone. It does get extremely old after a while wondering, "OK, how long is this one going to last".

You need to believe in the old saying, "you will meet someone when you least expect it..."

If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I met my fiance' during a chance dinner through friends. Dating was the LAST thing I wanted to do, but it really was FATE.

Your heart has a funny way of being right most of the time, even if your head tries to get in the way...

#13 of 121 OFFLINE   Dean DeMass

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Posted August 15 2002 - 05:03 AM

Jenna,

I am trying to get back in the dating scene and my problem seems to be that every girl I am interested in is taken already. I had a weird experience a few weeks ago at a bar. This very attractive blonde kept looking and smiling at me, so I was going to go over and talk to her. Luckily my friend knew her boyfriend and saved me an ass-whoopin. Posted Image

The weird thing was that when she was kissing the guy, she was staring at me the whole time. Now what the hell do you do there?

My other problem is since I got divorced, my standards are though the roof, and a lot of girls fly off my radar after talking to them for two minutes. Posted Image

I am 27 years old, got my shit together, attractive, treat women properly, and I can't find anyone. Life is just one kick after another right in the nuts.

-Dean-

#14 of 121 OFFLINE   Jenna

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Posted August 15 2002 - 05:48 AM

Quote:
date several men at once.

Difficult to do in such a small city as Asheville. Most of them end up knowing each other which can get a little tricky. Ironically, I've found that men can get just as jealous (if not more so) than women when they find out you're dating others. Think about it guys...how would you really feel if you found out the girl you're wining & dining is seeing another guy when she's not with you??? Would you be bitter? Would you insist she make a choice? Would you try even harder to "win" her away from the other guy??? Let's face it, men tend to be more territorial than woman.
Quote:
Sounds like right now you leave too much in the hands of the guy

Arel, you may be right...I'll have to work on that. Too bad you live in NY. Posted Image
Quote:
The "hard-to-get" woman misses the date (with no explanation or warning in many cases)

Max, well said but I go out of my way NOT to play "hard-to-get" as the man pursues with greater intensity - which is not what I want. Also, I may be the one with the "fear-factor" here, but I would NEVER stand someone up without an explanation. I ALWAYS call and cancel with a fair warning. I go out of my way NOT to hurt anyone, and manners do come first.
Quote:
Is there something else unrelated to dating that is bothering you?

Max, are you a shrink??? I'll have to give that one some thought. Overall, I'm pretty easy going and try to have an optimistic outlook on life. I make a good living, have a nice place, and have a killer home theater system. What more does one want?
Quote:
Have you ever dated someone that's a tease?
Chris, I'm NO tease. I'm very honest about my feelings with everyone I go out with. I have no reason to lie.
Quote:
But it's just so much easier and less stressful to go home, fire up the theater and effortlessly ENJOY a film.

Micah, so very true! Sometimes I feel that no man (who's available around here) will measure up to a hot bath and a good book.
Quote:
Your heart has a funny way of being right most of the time, even if your head tries to get in the way...

Dan, you are a wise man and your fiance is a lucky girl. Funny thing is that I'm NOT looking for anyone. I guess that maybe I am still mending a heart that got kicked one-too-many times, and I know I need private time to get over it. But what do you do when you're "mending" and yet nice guys still ask you out and say they're lonely and just want some company, yet after Date #1, you know they want more than you can give???

I know you all hate the "let's be friends" scenario, but what's wrong with having a GIRL-friend? To me, the ideal relationship would grow out of a true friendship. I mean, have none of you ever looked at the person you're dating/sleeping with/married to and think "I love her...but I don't really like her. Wouldn't being friends FIRST enhance the chances of a better relationship for both parties???

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#15 of 121 OFFLINE   Mark Schermerhorn

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Posted August 15 2002 - 05:51 AM

Jenna, you sound like a lot of the women I meet. Women I'd love to date but they just don't trust men, due to uh....bad situations earler in life (I don't know what your backround is, but your wording is suggestive).

If you're not ready, either don't date or make it clear what your intentions are quickly. I've been burned a few times in the past year by women who totally gave me the wrong impression, whether it was intentional or not, I don't know. But it hurts from this end as well. Yuck. I wish women would think things through more often.

#16 of 121 OFFLINE   Philip_G

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Posted August 15 2002 - 05:55 AM

date? what's a date Posted Image

#17 of 121 OFFLINE   Andrew_Sch

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Posted August 15 2002 - 06:04 AM

Jenna, looking at your collection, here's what I'd suggest you do. Just bring any guy you really like over to your place and show it to him. Nine times out of ten, the guy will think to himself, "Good gravy, a woman who owns Blade, Gladiator, and Terminator, have I died and gone to Heaven or what?" Chances are that after he finds out how much guy-movie bliss you can provide him with, he'll be totally subservient to you for the rest of his life.Posted Image Oh I see from your latest post that you also have a killer HT. Seriously, showing off the old HT would probably be a great way to start off a relationship with a guy. It may be true that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the second-fastest is through a big-screen and killer surround sound.Posted Image
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#18 of 121 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted August 15 2002 - 06:17 AM

Quote:
The weird thing was that when she was kissing the guy, she was staring at me the whole time. Now what the hell do you do there?


Don't bother, if you do end up with her this is what will happen. You will wonder if she is checking out other guys. Then either because of your paranoia or just because she has this habit she will start checking out other guys and leave you for someone else. I have seen it before and it has happened to me.

Quote:
My other problem is since I got divorced, my standards are though the roof, and a lot of girls fly off my radar after talking to them for two minutes.


I know what you mean, I was not married but now it seems that there are less and less women that I would like to date from when I was in college.

Quote:
Difficult to do in such a small city as Asheville. Most of them end up knowing each other which can get a little tricky

I went out with a girl, we had a nice time but did't really hit it off. Then a week later I randomly met her best friend. Amazingly every one is acting really adult about it. Im going out with the friend this weekend.

My advice would be to look at the date as "one night" not some huge commitment. Make sure that the guy knows that you are not looking to get into a relationship right away.

My general advice that I give to everyone is: You can't go out looking for love. Love will find you. That does not mean to sit on your ass and wait for someone to come by. But get out and meet people in a causal manner, have fun, and don't worry about the future.

Quote:
But what do you do when you're "mending" and yet nice guys still ask you out and say they're lonely and just want some company, yet after Date #1, you know they want more than you can give???

Because they are trying to replace the lost relationship that they had. They miss all the benefits of being in a relationship and want them back. So they immediately start to want more after the first date. I should know because I acted the exact same way after my last relationship. I know now it was the wrong way of going about things. Now that im over all that im just looking to meet new people and see where things go. If we end up friends that is OK. If I end up marrying of of these girls someday that is cool to. Posted Image
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#19 of 121 OFFLINE   Dave_P

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Posted August 15 2002 - 06:26 AM

I would be in your category Philip_G. I haven't been on a date in about 2 years. I've had the luck to fall in love twice in my life. Unfortunately, both girls cheated on me. I tried to nurture them the best that I could. Both of them said that they were not deserving of a guy like me after everything happened.

Since then I have hit bottom with my self esteem, saw myself gain weight, and lost all ability to talk to women as I once did without a problem. I have spent the last 6 months just living to better myself. I have started to lose weight(I'm not heavy. I just want to look and feel better about myself). I started to play soccer again. I've been eating better by eating more fruits and vegetables(and less redmeat, sodium and fat). I've lost over 15 pounds so far this summer. I've become more active recently. I spent far too much time inside alone trying to deal with the depression during my hard times.

I am just starting to gain back my confidence. It has started to show, as I have started to approach women again, to talk with them. I haven't had any luck yet. All of the women I have approached have been taken. Are there any single girls left out there? I'm ready to get into the dating scene. I haven't been involved in a long time. I'd have to say that I'm pretty inexperienced as far as normal 29 year olds go. I've had two major relationships and that's about it since I was 18. I was with the first girl for about 5 years. I was with the second for 4 years. I did date one other girl for a few months, but she turned psycho on me after I told her I didn't want to date her exclusively. I told her that from day one so that there would be no misunderstanings involved. That was two summers ago. I haven't been on a date since. Well, I'm back out there putting my heart and my head on the line again. With my new found confidence getting stronger with each small success, it should only help me down the line on my endeavors.

#20 of 121 OFFLINE   Patrick Sun

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Posted August 15 2002 - 06:26 AM

Jenna, all I ask is for you to be fair to the guy who's willing to ask you for a date. If you can't "be there" in the date, don't waste both of your time by "being there" but really a million miles away.
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