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What the Onion has to say about the terrorist attacks...


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#1 of 9 SteveGon

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Posted September 25 2001 - 04:57 PM

Ever topical, the Onion has proffered up some articles on the terrorist attacks, this one is movie-themed...

http://www.theonion.....urns_into.html

I'd like to hear your opinions on this, so please post 'em!




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He thought on homeland, the big timber, the air thin and chill all the year long. Tulip poplars so big through the trunk they put you in mind of locomotives set on end. He thought of getting home and building him a cabin on Cold Mountain so high that not a soul but the nighthawks passing across the clouds in autumn could hear his sad cry. Of living a life so quiet he would not need ears. And if Ada would go with him, there might be the hope, so far off in the distance he did not even really see it, that in time his despair might be honed off to a point so fine and thin that it would be nearly the same as vanishing.
-- Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain



#2 of 9 BrianW

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Posted September 26 2001 - 12:42 AM

I don't think there's a single one of us here who didn't think what The Onion has put into words - that this is just like a really cool over-the-top action movie, only it's real life and not cool at all. There may be some (or many) who say that it's "too soon" to satirize the dichotomy between what we want(ed) to see in movies vs. what we want to see in real life. But I, for one, appreciate seeing put into words what I've been thinking to some degree all along. I guess I accept it as an expression of the transition from denial to acceptance of what has happened and see it as a helpful coping mechanism. Others may take offense, and I can understand that, too.
-Brian
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#3 of 9 Philip Hamm

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Posted September 26 2001 - 01:04 AM

That's as powerful as most "legitimate" news article I've read on the subject, and really confronts issues that no-one else would touch. I'm very impressed.

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#4 of 9 SteveGon

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Posted September 26 2001 - 02:25 AM

Thanks guys. I was almost afraid to post that link as I know how sensitive people are about the attacks. I was certain that someone would take it the wrong way. Personally, I always turn to humor in times like this - that's just how I am. I do feel for the bereaved, and I do realize the ramifications of the attacks, but humor is just my way of dealing with it. Anyway, that article, while relatively (and appropriately) reserved for the Onion, was my favorite in that issue. Kudos to the staff of the Onion!

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He thought on homeland, the big timber, the air thin and chill all the year long. Tulip poplars so big through the trunk they put you in mind of locomotives set on end. He thought of getting home and building him a cabin on Cold Mountain so high that not a soul but the nighthawks passing across the clouds in autumn could hear his sad cry. Of living a life so quiet he would not need ears. And if Ada would go with him, there might be the hope, so far off in the distance he did not even really see it, that in time his despair might be honed off to a point so fine and thin that it would be nearly the same as vanishing.
-- Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain



[Edited last by SteveGon on September 26, 2001 at 09:27 AM]

#5 of 9 Alex Spindler

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Posted September 26 2001 - 03:08 AM

This is really bizarre that the more comedically minded sources (John Stewart with the Daily Show and David Letterman) have been able to create the most poignant and effective appraisals of the events.

#6 of 9 MickeS

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Posted September 26 2001 - 03:30 AM

They have some wonderful yet very funny articles about the attack.
The one about the hijackers being surprised to find themselves in Hell instead of Heaven is great too.
Quote:
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

/Mike

/Mike

#7 of 9 LarryDavenport

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Posted September 26 2001 - 08:27 AM

I concur. The lates Onion was great and poignant. Too bad SNL has declared a lack of guts. They say there will be no political humor this year. I'll miss the pardodies of Hardball with Chris Mathews the most.

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#8 of 9 DaveF

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Posted September 26 2001 - 09:17 AM

There is a time and place for gallows humor, but I think it's too soon for generic, third-party satire of the attack on America. I'm not offended by The Onion's current articles, but I was uninterested in almost all of it -- it just isn't time yet.

I've little doubt that most of those who narrowly survived, or lost loved ones, in the WTC or Pentagon would be offended by the Onion's articles. The pain is too great, too present, for seemingly flippant treatment of their loss.

(Not flaming, and others do like it; but I think most people aren't interested in it right now)

#9 of 9 LarryDavenport

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Posted September 26 2001 - 11:02 AM

You're probably right Dave, about the people most directly effected by the tragedy not being ready for humor. As an American, and a citizen of the world, I have been affected by the events of 9/11, but certainly not like the people of NYC, Wash. DC, or the people on the planes. I'm sad and angry enough out here in Seattle, I hope I never have to go what you people are.

I don't think humor about the event itself is funny, nor ever will be, but gallows humor in general is a band-aid for some people, myself included. (No offense, but when this first happened, and Katie Couric was speculating about who could have done this, my first reaction was "Where's Gary Condit?)

Every night I go home and turn on the news (or turn on the Today Show in the morning) and all I get is this story. I know it's important, I know it's a tragedy, but there are other things going on. Besides this war I am sure we all have our own personal crises (mine is I start kidney dialysis in about a month). I think some of us need to laugh for danger of never stop crying.

So I welcome diversions like the new TV season, the Mariners, Husky Football, the HTF, and the Onion (and Politically Incorrect too).

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These chicks know how to party! - MoJo JoJo