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Does anybody have any good jokes?


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#1 of 89 OFFLINE   Jeff Braddock

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Posted April 13 2002 - 02:37 AM

It seems like there is a joke drought around here. I enjoy jokes, so if anybody has any to share, please do so.
Jeff

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." -Frank Crow

#2 of 89 OFFLINE   DennisHP

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Posted April 13 2002 - 05:15 AM

Try here:

http://glocktalk.com...p?s=&forumid=17

it's a gun board and their "Lighter Side" has some pretty good one in there. Most are so good you could not post them here. If you know what I mean... Posted Image

#3 of 89 OFFLINE   Mark Dubbelboer

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Posted April 13 2002 - 05:38 AM

i got some bad jokes!

what do you call a frozen camel?
lost

what goes "hahahahahaha,plop"?
someone laughing their head off

#4 of 89 OFFLINE   Tom Ryan

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Posted April 13 2002 - 05:44 AM

Ever get tired of being bugged about getting married? Well my elderly aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and saying, "You're next." They stopped doing it when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

-Tom

#5 of 89 OFFLINE   Francois Caron

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Posted April 13 2002 - 06:24 AM

Quote:
They stopped doing it when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.


Posted Image

There's now a series of Molson Canadian commercials on the air which continues the trend of "clarifying" many American misconceptions about Canadians such as all of us knowing everyone else in the country.

The scene occurs in an American bar and goes something like this. A man and woman meet and the woman goes:

- "So your're Canadian! Would you know Bob? He lives in Toronto, works in an office, plays hockey..."

- "Bob? Oh, yeah! Office Bob! I'm sorry, he's dead!"

#6 of 89 OFFLINE   Jeff Braddock

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Posted April 13 2002 - 06:41 AM

How this...Q: what goes clop clop clop bang bang clop clop?
A: an Amish drive by


Posted Image
Jeff

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." -Frank Crow

#7 of 89 OFFLINE   ace peterson

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Posted April 13 2002 - 09:33 AM

So there was this basket full of muffins. Then one of the muffins turned and said to another muffin, "So, how's it going today?"

The other muffin screamed, "AAAAAhh, A talking muffin!"

#8 of 89 OFFLINE   Kevin T

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Posted April 13 2002 - 10:23 AM

i'm sure everybody has heard this one, but i still like it:

what has 7 arms and sucks?

def leppard


kevin t
religion is the opiate of the masses

#9 of 89 OFFLINE   Chuck C

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Posted April 13 2002 - 10:44 AM

Ok, here're some rough ones:

Q. How do you cure constapation?
A. Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse.

Q. What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
A. You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork

#10 of 89 OFFLINE   KyleK

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Posted April 13 2002 - 01:41 PM

What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association!


#11 of 89 OFFLINE   David Von Pein

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Posted April 14 2002 - 02:36 PM

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well" says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the big tits. I'm going to wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first".

Posted Image

#12 of 89 OFFLINE   Garrett Lundy

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Posted April 14 2002 - 02:58 PM

Here's my A-Number 1 Joke. I include instructions for body language at your next party.

A man is drinking in a bar. He suddenly realises that the man next to him is a Pirate. At least he thinks he's a pirate, because he has a peg leg (stand on one leg) an eyepatch (cover an eye with your left hand) and a hook (bend right finger into a hook shape, then stop, you look silly). So the man ask's "How'd you loose the leg , man?

Pirate(resume one leg, hook, and eye covering): Argh! Were were sailing of the Cape of Good Hope when a tidal-wave blew me off the port side o' the ship. and as I was climbing up the rigging to get back on, a shark lept from the water and bit me leg off at the knee!.

Guy(back to normal): Ouch! So what about the hook then?

Pirate(resume the one leg bounce, squinting one eye closed real hard, and frantically waving your "hook"): Argh! We were in the Caribbean Islands, when The JollyRodger came upon us and the rival pirates engaged us in hand to hand combat! And Just as I dispatched a pirate with my pistol, one o' his mates lopped me hand off at the wrist!

Guy(back to normal): Damn, I think you need a new job. So how about the eye?

Pirate(resume pirate dance): A seagull shit in me eye.

Guy(back to normal): You lost an eye because a seagull shit in it?

Pirate:Well, in all honesty, It was me first day with the hook (Make gesture with "hook" like your trying to wipe seagull shit out of your eye).

Guaranteed laughs or your money back. And the drunker you are, the more pirate-like your pirate voice will sound. Yarr-Matey!Posted Image
"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

#13 of 89 OFFLINE   David Von Pein

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Posted April 15 2002 - 03:11 PM

.,.,

#14 of 89 OFFLINE   David Von Pein

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Posted April 17 2003 - 01:51 PM

Q --WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?

A --Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

----------------------------

Q -- WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?

A -- The location of the Dirt Bag.

----------------------------

Q -- HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND ALABAMA DIVORCE THE SAME?

A -- Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!!

----------------------------

Q -- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?

A -- Anyone can roast beef.

----------------------------

Posted Image Posted Image

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.

#15 of 89 OFFLINE   Eric_L

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Posted April 17 2003 - 02:13 PM

Another Pirate Joke:

A Pirate walks into a bar with a great big steering wheel sticking out of the top of his trousers. The bartender, noticing it, points to it and says, "DO you know you have a steering wheen sticking out of your trousers" and the Pirate replies "AAAArrgh! its driving me nuts!"

*****

Two old men sitting on a bench in a nursing home. A pretty nurse walks by them and one says to the other, "Quick Ed, show her you're nuts!" so the other sticks out his tongue, puts his thumbs in his ears and says "Pttttbtbtbtbt"
(ok, its funnier of you do it when you tell this one)

*******
Adam, speaking with the Lord:

Lord, this place, Eden, is perfect. Thanks for makeing it for me. But you know, I've noticed that the birds, they all come in pairs. So do the animals. But you made me all alone. I'd like a partner too.

The Lord, looks lovingly at Adam and says "I'd be pleased to. I will create for you a partner that will love you completely, she will share all of your interests and respect all of your wishes. She will gladly prepare meals from the food you gather. She will be beautiful to behold, from the time she wakes to the time she sleeps. You will learn with her about the intimacies of the flesh, and it will only bear fruits of goodness. She will be able and willing to share this with you at all times you desire. She will honor you, your wishes and your innermost desires.

"That sounds Great Lord, when can you get started!"

"Well, Adam, I will need you to give to me an arm and a leg in order to create this magnificent being."

"An arm and a Leg! Are you nuts! What can you make out of something else, like a rib??"

*************


Adam, once again in the Garden of Eden, speaking with the Lord;

"You know, Lord, this place, it is magnificent, the trees, the animals, the plants, they're all PERFECT."

"I know Adam, that is because I love you"

"And Eve! You couldn't have done a better job. Tell me, why did you make her eyes so lovely"

"so that you could look into them and love her"

"oh, yea, yea, yea. And her hair, its scent is like wine from roses, why did you do that?

"So that you could smell her and love her."

"Oh, yea, yea, yea!!! And her figure, why did you make her so warm when I hold her close"

"So that you could embrace her and love her"

Then Tell me, Lord, why did you make her so STUPID!

"ah, Adam, that is so she could love YOU"


************

#16 of 89 OFFLINE   Scooter

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Posted April 17 2003 - 02:30 PM

One VERY content egg is smoking a cigarette sitting on a bed next to a VERY frustrated chicken and the egg says...

"Well..I guess that answers THAT question!"

#17 of 89 OFFLINE   Jon_Are

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Posted April 17 2003 - 02:35 PM

Quote:
...they stopped doing it when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

This is a George Carlin line (I like credit given where due).

Here are mine:

What do you get when you cross a bridge with a bicycle?

To the other side.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

ElliphIknow.


Have you heard about the new pirate movie?

It's rated arrrrrgggghhhh!


Jon

#18 of 89 OFFLINE   Steven K

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Posted April 17 2003 - 03:52 PM

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says "Bartender, I'll take a beer.g^sDe%s)sd0S)&^sf*sdKS(s0PsSJ*&SD#M3jk3("
The second string says "you'll have to excuse my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."

Posted Image

#19 of 89 OFFLINE   Mark Dubbelboer

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Posted April 17 2003 - 05:01 PM

wait, how the heck did this get dug up? this thread is a year old!

#20 of 89 OFFLINE   Joseph DeMartino

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Posted April 17 2003 - 05:06 PM

A man is driving along late one drizzly night when his tire blows out. He pulls onto the shoulder not far from a chain link fence on a deserted stretch of road. In a flash of lightning he sees a sign that reads, "State Mental Hospital". In the next flash he sees a man standing under the sign, obviously an inmate in a hospital gown, staring at him through the fence.

The man nervously starts changing the tire. He jacks up the car, removes the hub cap, then the lug nuts, puts the lug nuts in the overturned hub cap so he doesn't lose them, and wrestles with the spare, all the while looking over his shoulder every few seconds to check on the crazy man still staring at him through the fence. Finally he gets the spare onto the wheel and takes a step back - right onto the hub cap, which flips over scattering the lug nuts into the shadows of the deep, wet grass.

"Oh, no!" he yells, "NOW what am I going to do."

"No problem", says a voice from behind him. He turns and sees the lunatic, still staring at him from behind the fence.

"Take the hub caps off the other three tires. Remove one lug nut from each of them and use them to secure the spare. That gives you three lug nuts on each tire, and that will be safe enough to get you to the next gas station. You can buy more lug nuts there."

The tired and frightened man thinks about this for a few minutes and realizes that it makes sense.

"That's brilliant!" he says, "That's really great. Why is someone as smart as you in a place like that."

"Hey man," the lunatic replies, "They put us in here 'cause we're crazy, not 'cause we're stupid."


Regards,

Joe





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