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Am I overreacting or should I be this upset with my girlfriend? (long read)


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#1 of 30 OFFLINE   TreyP

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Posted July 10 2009 - 08:56 PM

OK me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 2 years now.  We are very serious in this relationship and we live together.  We have had our share of problems, but there is something that has been happening that really bothers me.  We fight about this all the time and it could be pushing us to a break-up.  I'm posting here just to get opinions on whether I'm overreacting or if what's going on is definetely taboo.

She has this guy friend that she has known for a few years.  She has had sex with him before and is still friends with him.  That fact alone doesn't bother me.  I also remain friends with some girls who I have slept with in the past, but I also understand there are boundaries.  They work together so I know its not possible for her to just ignore him completely.  They do however, work in different areas so they are not together constantly at work.

When we first started being serious, he would text her constantly all the time.  He used to text her a lot at times like 3AM.  I asked why this guy is always texting her at these odd hours and she made the excuse that "he works graveyard shift."  She obviously didn't see this as innappropriate.  I very quickly started to get a bad vibe about him.  After talking to her about it a couple more times, it finally started to calm down.

Once we were in a nightclub, and she kept answering and sending texts on her phone.  I got frustrated and grabbed her phone as another text was coming in.  It was from him and it said "with benefits?"  I scrolled back a bit and he basically said that they don't hang out as much anymore because she has a boyfriend now.  She replied, "we can still be friends."  Then that's when the benefits text came in.  This totally upset me.  Discussing this with her a little while later, she says to me, "he texted me after that and said, oh I'm just playing."  Yeah I bet he was... unless she would have said yes.  I know how this game works, I'm a guy too.  This was the point to where I developed a total disliking for the guy.  You just don't say that kind of shit.

I have seen before where he sends her flirty messages via IM on the computer or text messages on the phone.  They are usually not direct obvious comments, but rather those innocent sexual induendos that are used to try to get things going.  So there's no telling how far he pushes it when he sees her at work.  She knows that I don't like him and why I don't like him.  Yet she doesn't seem to feel the same way.  She never tells him to back off or that its inappropriate.  Its as if she'll let him act this way towards her so that he will still be her friend.

We usually both work swing shift at different places.  About 2-3 weeks ago, she was scheduled for a rare day shift and I was supposed to work at night, so basically she would be getting home that day just after I went to work.  Well before I went to work, one of my friends asked if he could work for me because he needed the money so I let him.  She got home and was a bit startled that I was still home.  I explained to her why I wasn't working.  She then mentioned that she and her best friend were going to the fair, so I went along with them.  I found out a few days later in a very strange way, that she invited him to go hang out with her at work on her day shift.  She also  actually planned on meeting him somewhere else that night (not the fair).

I confronted her about this.  I asked her what her plans were that night before she found out I wasn't working.  She told me where she was originally planning on going.  I asked, "with who?"  She told me one of her female friends.  I asked, "who else?"  She says, "well one of my friends said he might meet me up there."  Irritated because she kept dancing around it, I asked again, "Who?"  She finally told me it was him.  After that we got into a long and very emotional conversation about why I don't like him, and why its uncomfortable for her to be hanging out with him.  She assured me that she understood and wouldn't do it again.

The next morning I had to get up to work a day shift on the weekend.  She woke up around the same time I did.  A little while before I went to work, I saw on her phone where she texted him just before we went to bed the previous night (after our long conversation about him).  The texts to him said, "I will tell you about it tomorrow" and "it was basically about you."  He just replied, "OK."  Everything before that was erased.  Before I left, I asked her when was the last time she talked to him.  She said yesterday.  I asked, "have you spoken to him since we had our conversation last night?"  She looked right at me and said, "No."  I then asked her about four more times the same question, and it slowly changed to, "just before we went to bed I told him goodnight."  I then told her that I saw the text messages.  She started throwing a fit about me going through her phone, which I thought was ridiculous.  We fought for a little bit and then I had to go to work.  When I got home we had a deep conversation about it... again.

Over the next week or so we had a couple of conversations about how our relationship was in poor shape and all the reasons why.  We discussed that the two biggest reasons was this guy and her lying to me.  I was under the impression that we saw eye to eye and would start working things out.

Here we are about two weeks later and things have been getting better.  This past Wednesday I was at work and she had the night off.  She sent me a text telling me she was going over one of her female friends' house.  Later that night after I got off we went out to a local nightclub (which was packed) with a few friends.  I saw him there and became instantly angered.  A couple friends we were with had to calm me down.  I have never actually spoken to the guy, so I don't know if he knows how much I hate him, but I'm pretty sure he does.  Odd thing is though, whenever we are together and we see him in public, she acts like she doesn't even know him and ignores him.

Well I just found out today, that on Wednesday when she told me she was going to hang out with one of her girlfriends, she was actually going to hang out with her and him (this was not his girlfriend).  I confronted her about this, and she actually admitted to me that HE was the one who invited her to go hang out.

So I am now very upset and disappointed.  She told me that this was gonna stop and already here we are less than three weeks later and its happening again.  I love her very much and don't want to break up, but I feel like this has about pushed me off the edge of this relationship and I don't know if I'm willing to put up with it anymore.  What would you do in this situation?




#2 of 30 OFFLINE   DaveF

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Posted July 11 2009 - 01:05 AM



Quote:
Originally Posted by TreyP 

She has this guy friend that she has known for a few years.  She has had sex with him before and is still friends with him. 

When we first started being serious, he would text her constantly all the time. 
Everyone is different, every relationship has its own boundaries. I certainly don't know your limits or that of your live-in GF. I can only speak to myself:

When I got married, I asked that my fiancee not wear a ring a former boyfriend had given her. I didn't care about it during dating, nor engagement. But the wedding day, she was not going to wear a significant piece of jewelry given by another man. On our 1st anniversary, I bought a better, higher quality replacement for that ring.

I wouldn't accept the behavior of a GF who has significant, even flirtatious, interaction with a former boyfriend who seems to want to steal her from me.

But that's me.


#3 of 30 OFFLINE   ChristopherG

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Posted July 11 2009 - 01:57 AM

Wow.  I don't think that asking your live in girlfriend to hold to the same standard as you with former lovers is asking too much.  It looks like she is more concerned with his feelings than yours.  Clearly, there seems to be more to this relationship than is being admitted to.  I think you need to see this as writing on the wall and start planning your escape from the situation.  If your girlfriend can't understand and honor your feelings on this than I would recommend you keep that in mind when you start to feel bad over the loss - the only thing it appears you might lose here is feeling like crap from being disrespected by someone who is supposed to be on your side.  Good riddance.

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#4 of 30 OFFLINE   drobbins

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Posted July 11 2009 - 02:08 AM

I can see how hard it would be for her to ignore him being as they work together, but that should give them enough "casual" time to catch up with each other as friends. You sound like you would like this relationship to go somewhere. To me it sounds like her friendship with this guy could be more important than her relationship with you. If something or someone is important to me, I am on guard against anything that would ruin or hurt that person. I would never say to her "its either him or me". But becaause you have had many serious arguments about him, I would think it is only a mater of time before that becomes truth anyway. He is threatening your relationship and she is not guarding against it. That says something about her priorities.

Out of love and courtesy for each other,  my wife and I don't even talk about others in our past, let alone talk to them. After we got married, I stopped hanging out with even my buddies. Not that I was hen pecked, but my interest was that I wanted to spend time with my wife. We will celebrate our 19 anniversary this year.


#5 of 30 OFFLINE   John Walley

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Posted July 11 2009 - 02:34 AM

She's still fucking him.  Plain and simple.  You choose what to do with that information.  Stay in a bad relationship or realize you don't need this shit.


#6 of 30 OFFLINE   mattCR

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Posted July 11 2009 - 03:27 AM

Just to make sure profanity doesn't show up in the summary of the thread :) 

Look, the best way to figure it out is just communicate.  Find out what the deal is.  If she wishes to maintain a friendship, that doesn't necessarily mean much.  My wife & I have been together for some time.. (let's say quite a bit more then a decade, slightly less then 2 :)  And I have no problem with her staying friends with those that she knew in college, etc.  

Now, admittedly, most of them are hundreds of miles away, but about 2 years ago, someone she dated in college was transferred to a job that put them in the same city as us; and I can't say I've ever been bothered by the fact they talk.  (well, mostly facebook)

But it's all up to you.  I'd just talk it over and see what happens.


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#7 of 30 OFFLINE   drobbins

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Posted July 11 2009 - 03:31 AM

While talking, play "Lips of an Angle" in the background and ask her what she thinks of the song. /img/vbsmilies/htf/smiley_wink.gif


#8 of 30 OFFLINE   Jeff Gatie

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Posted July 11 2009 - 05:02 AM

When it gets to the point where her actions cause you to grab the phone out of her hand, or snoop around behind her back, there's one of two things wrong:
 
You are an overbearing, jealous, stalker type and she's innocent

-OR-
 
She's a selfish, cheating bitch and your instincts are spot on. 

Only you know which one is the truth (and neither is a good sign for the relationship).

#9 of 30 OFFLINE   Bryan X

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Posted July 11 2009 - 05:18 AM

I would dump her yesterday.  There is no way I would stay with someone who is so obviously disrepectful and dishonest.  She knows how much her actions her you, yet she still chooses the same path.  This is a character flaw.  It ain't going away.  This is who she is.  You deserve someone who will treat you with respect.



#10 of 30 OFFLINE   Dennis*G

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Posted July 11 2009 - 07:31 AM

If you asked her to stop talking to this guy, she should go and put you first and stop, if she does not, that is just sign of things to come.  I'm not saying that she should never have guy friends, but she should not hang with anyone that makes you uncomfortable and vice - versa


#11 of 30 OFFLINE   Punkrulz

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Posted July 11 2009 - 07:55 AM

TreyP,

I feel your pain regarding a situation as I personally have experienced something similar to this... actually 2x, though the 2nd was not quite as far. For the record, I am still in a relationship with this girl! I will also state that all incidents occurred BEFORE we were living with each other. Our entire relationship started based on cheating. We met at a friend's house when she was away from her boyfriend, and thing started happening there. I was the guy she came to when she had problems with her boyfriend, but the kick of it is that I was new to the area and her boyfriend and her were the whole "school sweethearts" thing.

When she broke up the relationship with her boyfriend and began dating me, there were some boundaries that were crossed. She's always been super insecure regarding me (though I've never given her a reason to be) and yet she still resumed wanting to hang out with her ex in a friendly manner. I never understood this, however I slowly went along with it. There were issues in the past, because her friends liked me better than him. One night they wanted to have a girls night out, which I of course was cool with. Her friends' boyfriend was hanging out with me, and got word that my girl wanted to secretly go to her ex boyfriends house to "hang out". Of course she was confronted regarding this, and tried to play it off for the longest time that was not her intent... but I had an outside party telling me otherwise.

One day she came up and admitted to me that one time she went to the car wash with the ex and they hooked up, and actually a second time before that. I know we broke up for a very short period of time, but trust went out the window... I was a sucker for staying in the relationship then. There was one more issue in the past when she was working at one of her jobs. While she was hanging out with me, there was this guy who was messaging her at 10pm, and again at 2am. I asked who it was, and she stated it was a guy from work whom wanted to hang out.

Again, knowing the game I knew that he wanted more than just to hang out. She said he wanted to go to a club... and messaged her again at 2am while she was talking to me. I put a stop to that immediately, but continued to find out she lied the next day because I asked her to tell him not to talk her anymore. She told me she already did, but since she was on my cell phone plan I was able to know when I told her that, and see when she actually called him. The kicker of it is that she was always so adamant about telling people at work that she had a boyfriend, and then for whatever reason this time she didn't.

I will say that fortunately while she's been living with me I haven't noticed any behavior that would indicate similar things, and it helps that I'm home 90% of the time. I do regret at times not bailing out of the relationship, as now I'm in a situation where I can't just move out because I can't quite afford to live on my own. NJ is an expensive state. We still have our issues, yes lying included but at least not about other guys... she's still very insecure with me which to this day I don't understand, she's gone above and beyond to show me what she's done and I'm not a guy who would cheat on her...

I tell the story because I want you to know that you're not alone in this. I think if you can help it, you should leave the relationship with her. If she's going to keep going out of her way to talk to this guy and pretend like it doesn't matter to you, then you definitely need to do yourself a favor and bail, even if it may not be easy for you. She seems like she's going to continue going to talk to this guy, and even laugh to him about the fights you two have regarding him. I wouldn't want to remain in a relationship like that. You said it's your live-in girlfriend... I hope you're able to get away without her additional income. I feel if you stick in the relationship, you're never going to have that trust you need because of this, because of her ways... and you're only going to have more problems in the future.



#12 of 30 OFFLINE   Scott Strang

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Posted July 11 2009 - 08:04 AM

 Sir, I don't know which century you're living in but this is the 21st century.  Don't you know it's okay for women to do that sort of thing?   We must be understanding,  stand back and smile and have the proper attitude about this.

Obviously I'm kidding.   If you guys were even thinking about getting married you might want to reconsider.  There is no way in hell I'd tolerate this and you probably shouldn't either.   If you're having to look at her cell phone to see if she's texting him that should be a huge red flag.    From what I see the only way to "fix" this relationship is to snap it in two.   What she's doing is highly inappropriate and, while I don't know you personally, there is no way you should be treated like this.

I'm very sorry to hear about what's going on.   I've been there myself and it's always easy to see what went wrong in hindsight but not as much so in foresight.  

I wish you luck.



#13 of 30 OFFLINE   Jim Mcc

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Posted July 11 2009 - 11:40 AM

TreyP, I think you know what to do. She is playing you for a fool, and seems to think you'll put up with it. I know it's very hard for you to end it, but the longer you wait the harder it will be. You deserve better. Good luck.  

#14 of 30 OFFLINE   Colton

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Posted July 13 2009 - 02:47 AM

There's nothing you can do about it.  If they are determined to meet up for sex - it's going to happen.  You have already seen many red flags of this approaching event, so you have to start thinking about yourself.  Is this what YOU want?  How long are YOU going to put up with this?  She obviously doesn't put your feelings into any priority.  You can't make people behave the way you think they should live up to your standards, so either accept that she is going to sneak around behind your back, lie to you, constantly share text messages at all hours (even during time that should be reserved with you) ... or end it.

It's your move.


#15 of 30 OFFLINE   Steve_Tk

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Posted July 13 2009 - 03:12 AM

I'll keep this short.  I've been in a relationship before where the girl was always receiving text like "well you're not married yet, just one night!"  always followed by "I'm just kidding....", but in reality, had she said yes then he wasn't kidding.  If the girl is either A) not ignoring it enough where it stops or B) doesn't make it stop then it's because she enjoys the attention.  If she's still at a point in her life where she NEEDS the attention from other men, then get rid of her. 

I'm not going to guess whether or not she's cheating, but what I dealt with in the past was I went through this for a year, then she finally cheated.  She can only beat around the bush for so long, and avoid it, until one day she will be in a situation and it just overcomes her and she finally cheats.  Eventually, she will cheat, because she does nothing to avoid the situation completely.  She really enjoys the attention, and has zero issues with lying to you.

To sum it up, a mature female ready for a long relationship will A) not sacrifice her relationship for flirting with some random guy and will B) Will have the ability to say to herself "how would I feel if he were doing this to me".  If she is not able to understand that this guy is only trying to fuck her, and that kind of relationship is not healthy for someone that is in a commited relationship, then you need to dump her immature ass, or go fuck some other women.

And lastly, in a mature relationship you don't have to MAKE someone break off a friendship that only wants sex, the person ends it on their own. 

It's obvious that she is flirting with the possibility of sex, or is already having sex.  You shouldn't have to explain this to her when you dump her, she's too immature to understand why you are mad, or she just doesn't care.




#16 of 30 OFFLINE   WillG

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Posted July 13 2009 - 05:35 AM

I would call Ace Rothstein about this guy you're having trouble with.

Usually I don't blame guys for trying to score with a girl, even if she does have a boyfriend (unless it's your buddy's girl, then that is unethical). There's no onus on the other guy to back off, he's not in a relationship (although he is disrespecting you). It's the responsibility of the girl in this relationship with you to curtail this if it makes you uncomfotable. Sometimes guys do overreact in situations like this, but clearly there is suspicious behavior in this case. Having said that, I do have a mental picture of this guy and he seems like a douchebag. I know the type you're describing. 

Bottom line is that whenever you let another guy into your woman's life, you're asking for trouble. For example, when I was in college, I dated a girl my Freshman and Sophomore year. We were living in dorms and it was fine. Junior year I move a few miles off campus into a house with some buddies. She moved into the campus apartments with three other girls. The apartment across from theres had four guys living in it. So for awhile, I'm hearing stories about them all hanging out with each other and doing things. I knew it was bad news but I thought I'd be okay, she loves me and she's not unfaithful. Anyway, I'm not sure we even got through September before she dumped me. I'm not saying she can't have casual male friends, but the kind of male friends who are always "around" as in she's exchanging texts with and odd hours and then lies about it......and then the kind to make persistent innuendoes (and I can even see joking around, but this seems like more) is not good.

It seems like the sentiment here is that this relationship is probably not going to work. I can't say I disagree. Just try not to come out as the victim
 
Edited by WillG - 7/13/2009 at 11:59 pm GMT
STOP HIM! He's supposed to die!

#17 of 30 OFFLINE   Jeff Gatie

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Posted July 13 2009 - 05:53 AM



Quote:
Originally Posted by WillG ">
. . .

It seems like the sentiment here is that this relationship is probably not going to work. I can't say I disagree. Just try not to come out as the victim. 
 
Best advice ever.  Believe me when I tell you, keep your cool, stand your ground, and do not let the little head think for the big one.  This has three advantages:

1) Concentrating on your own well being will help ease the pain.
2) It will drive her batshit crazy that you are doing #1 instead of pining over her.
3) When (not if, WHEN) the inevitable happens, years later you won't look back on the situation and shudder with the memory of what an annoying, sad sack, maxi-zoom-dweebie you became over some insignificant piece of tail (or at least I've heard that's what happens )<br /></span>

					
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#18 of 30 OFFLINE   JayDerek

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Posted July 13 2009 - 06:07 AM

TreyP>

Sorry to hear you're going through this. This is a huge flashback for me as I went through VERY similar things w/ my then-wife that lead to our divorce.

The bottom-line here is that she is not respecting you in ANY way. She is giving you every reason in the world to not trust her and relationships cannot survive that. You have to trust your gut on this -- it's telling you things are wrong. I know you love her, but but all the red flags are here.

If they haven't slept together yet...they soon will. A lot of immature people like her tend to have one foot into a new relationship before exiting their current one - sounds like she's doing this.

Do you own your place or is the lease in your name? If so, I'd say it's time to be proactive about this situation and sit down to tell her you want her out. Like WillG says above, don't become any more of a victim in this that you can, you've both discussed this many times before and she's not changing what she's doing.

I wish you well. Please let us know how you're doing and please PM me if you need to. Good luck,

Jason.


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#19 of 30 OFFLINE   ChrisHeflen

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Posted July 13 2009 - 10:39 AM

Obviously her feelings for him are more important than for you. Texting at 3am? That's childs play. How can she not know that you are not happy with her relationship with him, but yet she still continues? You need to be done. Tell her it's obvious her feelings are stronger for him than you and that you are done. She needs to choose you with her own free will. You shouldn't have to tell her to stop seeing or texting or secretly meeting him. She should want to do that naturally...

Remember that Beach Boys song "Two Girls for Every Boy? Well that was a long tme ago. Now there are 4.8 million more females than males in the US. That means there are plenty of other "fish" to choose from.


#20 of 30 OFFLINE   Will_B

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Posted July 13 2009 - 12:50 PM

Her actions are not in and of themselves taboo. Some people would be fine with this. Less work for the guy and all.

But clearly you view the relationship you and she share as an exclusive relationship, and she does not feel that way --  she may be checking to see if she wants an open relationship, or she may be checking to see if she simply wants to leave her relationship with you.

If the former, she should have asked you if you'd accept a relationship that was open. This would have been just as much of an ego-slammer as finding out accidentally like you did, but, it would have been the polite way to go about it.

If the latter, she should have asked for a time-out from your relationship, so she could see another person and decide whether she indeed wanted to move on from her relationship with you. Which would be difficult since you live together.

Anyway, now you need to have a polite discussion where you can learn, clearly from her, whether her intent is to have an open relationship with you, or to leave you. Once you know which, you need to express whether or not you feel you can support an open-relationship (and if you can, whether there are rules, such as no-bringing-him-over to your shared space), or you need to discuss the practical matters of how best to end a relationship which currently involves rent. You'll need to be on good terms with eachother if one of you is doing to start a process of moving out.

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