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A little venting about the g/f...


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#1 of 89 OFFLINE   TimDoss

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:08 AM

You know it pisses me off, last night I sat up with her until 12:00 comforting her because her and her mother had a falling out... then this morning I had some trouble wanting to wake up, my alarm is set for 3:45, and without even realizing it, I hit the snooze until 5:00... so this morning she tells me I'm inconsiderate. What the fuck??? Also, what really irritates me is, I have a lot of friends that treat their g/f's and wives like crap most of the time, but whenever they do something nice, they get praised and talked about to their friends as being sooooo nice... I try to treat her how anyone deserves to be treated, and am always considerate of her feelings... send her flowers for no reason, help around the house... not for the recognition, but because I think it's right. But then that behavior becomes expected and you slip up once and you're treated worse than the guy that treats her like shit all the time. Why bother???? Ok, I'm done venting... thanks for listening.

#2 of 89 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:15 AM

[quote]

But then that behavior becomes expected and you slip up once and you're treated worse than the guy that treats her like shit all the time. Why bother????

[quote]


I am very familiar with this situation, I know exactly how you feel. Nothing is more exhausting than being with someone who is not appreciative. Eventually your self-estim will suffer. I know, I have been there.



I say get out now. Others will tell you to stay. My short life has thought me one painful truth: People don't change. Nor should you expect them to, they are not on this earth for you. So you can hang around and take it, or you can move on.



--

Holadem

#3 of 89 OFFLINE   Julie K

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:18 AM

She's probably still hurting badly and lashed out at the nearest available person (you). I certainly don't condone it, but it's a very normal response. If it happens again, calmly explain that you know she's hurting but please don't take it out on you. EDIT: Holadem seems to get the impression that this is a long term thing. If it is, I agree. However, I got the impression that it was just this once. Tim, could you shed some light?
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#4 of 89 OFFLINE   Duane_T

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:21 AM

Another story of the nice guy getting dumped on. Why don't these women really look around to see how some other women are getting treated by the jerks out there.

#5 of 89 OFFLINE   Mike Broadman

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:29 AM

So what are we learning today? Treat your partner like crap, that way she/he will appreciate it when you do something good.

#6 of 89 OFFLINE   Julie K

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:33 AM

Oh come on guys Posted Image



It sounds like the g/f lashed out once after a very troubling incident. No one is completely even tempered at all times. Unless this is common treatment (and Tim, please elaborate) I'd say it's way too early for you guys to start whining about the nice guys/bitchy girls bit. (And maybe then I'll start my rant about nice guys ignoring the nice girls in favor of bubble-headed bimbettes with big boobs...)
"I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf."
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."

#7 of 89 OFFLINE   Ryan Wright

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:41 AM

[quote]

Others will tell you to stay.

[quote]


Not I. Get rid of her, now. I personally don't understand these female games, and I refuse to play them. A relationship is a two way street. You should not have to walk on ice all the time lest ye risk her displeasure. It's bullshit. That's why I love my wife so much. For the most part, she doesn't pull this shit with me. She recognizes that I have needs, too. I help her around the house constantly, not out of fear, but out of love. If I don't feel like doing a specific chore one day for whatever reason, I don't, and she doesn't give me crap about it. She picks up the slack for me. When she doesn't feel like doing a chore, I do the same for her. If we both don't feel like doing something, we let everything go to hell until we do. Then we work our butts off together to get it done once our motivation kicks in. Posted Image



On occasion, however, she does play the "I'm unhappy with you for no specific reason" game. All women do. I solved the problem by not putting up with it. You're unhappy with me? OK, sounds cool, I'll just go watch a movie, or hang with friends, or work on my car, or (insert other hobby here). I'm not going to tiptoe around her and beg for forgiveness. Screw it. I leave her to herself and go enjoy my day. When she's done with her hormone thing, she tracks me down and apologizes. Every time.



Now, if I've actually done something to piss her off, that's a different story. I apologize and make things right. But when she treats me like shit because she had a bad day at work or just doesn't feel good, I'll go elsewhere and let her deal with it on her own. It's her problem. I love her to death, though - she rarely does this to me. Compared to other couples we know, where the wife pulls this crap on a daily basis, I'm in heaven. Posted Image



Tim, do yourself a favor: Change your outlook on life. You stayed up all night with this woman, and she got mad because you didn't get up at the buttcrack of dawn! Instead of giving in to her BS, tell her how you really feel. Tell her, "I stayed up all night with you, and this is how you treat me? Telling me I'm inconsiderate and treating me like shit because I slept in a little? You need to check your attitude, because I don't appreciate it." Tell her exactly what you told us. That is, if you even want to keep her around after this. If you challenge her irrationality every time it rears it's ugly head, one of two things will happen:



(1) She will wise up and start treating you with respect.

(2) She won't, and you will fight all the time, and eventually break up. At which point, it will be no sweat off your back.

#8 of 89 OFFLINE   TimDoss

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:46 AM

Being lashed out at is not common treatment at all... she is not a bitch. I would say that she is very accustomed to me doing things for her, treating her special, what have you, and on occasions that she doesn't deem that enough, then I hear about it... again, I'm not in this for the recognition, but it really feels like the things that should be appreciated are taken for granted. Once in a while if she senses that it is bothering me she'll tell me that she really does appreciate me, but that's after showing otherwise. I've seen this behavior in a lot of women friends, actually... I don't know what they are like at home, but the ones with husbands that don't pay them too much attention with the occasional nice act do seem happier than those with very attentive and respectful husbands all the time. It just really pissed me off this morning to hear her tell me that I'm inconsiderate... whatever I do, how it will affect her is my first concern... so my alarm kept waking her up... what an asshole I am.

#9 of 89 OFFLINE   TimDoss

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:51 AM

Ryan: I did tell her that... I don't put up with too much, we e-mail each other throughout the day...well, not much today... and the first one today was that I didn't appreciate it. I didn't get a response.

#10 of 89 OFFLINE   Julie K

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:52 AM

[quote]


Being lashed out at is not common treatment at all...


[quote]


Then I see it as a result of being very depressed and upset over the falling out with her mother. Haven't you ever snapped at someone when you are in reality upset over something else entirely? (You should see me when I'm having car trouble...sheesh...)



This has nothing to do with guys treating women like shit and then thinking the women are happier. (They aren't.) This has everything to do with a very common response to emotional distress.



Of course, if it continues then you need to re-evaluate the situation.
"I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf."
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."

#11 of 89 OFFLINE   RogerB

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:57 AM

Most "snoozes" last 10 minutes, so....your alarm clock went off every 10 minutes for over an hour? That would piss me off, too. After the second time I would have thrown it across the room. I think you owe her an apology.

#12 of 89 OFFLINE   TimDoss

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Posted December 06 2001 - 10:58 AM

Julie: Thank you for the advice... and I do think you're right about the response to being emotionally distraught. The second part of my post isn't dealing so much with being the butt of her hurt, but with normal treatment of her and how that treatment, I feel, is taken for granted.

#13 of 89 OFFLINE   TimDoss

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:00 AM

I don't like you Roger. Posted Image

#14 of 89 OFFLINE   Brad_W

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:00 AM

[quote]

She's probably still hurting badly and lashed out at the nearest available person (you).

[quote]



Julie, per usual, has said it best because (and this is going to be so lame for me to say, but bare with me) "you only hurt the ones you love."



First, she is probably crabby because she had little sleep and had to wake up so damn early.



Second, she is probably still upset about the last nights events. Top this off with the early deal and she probably was just real crabby. Oh yeah, and it could be her time for PMS. I'll notice arguments heighten with my wife and then a few days later... BANG! Red Roover comes "a barkin'" People get like that sometimes. There is NO NEED to end a relationship because someone gets crabby. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Hell, if that were merits to break off a relationship then all of mine would have lasted about 2 months. My wife is THE crabbiest person in the morning! But I know that is her so I accept it. She deals with my "craziness" also. This is how a relationship can work. When you love someone, you love who they are. The good and the bad. No one is perfect. To think that you can be in a relationship with no fights or crabiness is wishful thinking to the highest extent and you, my fellow HTF resident, will find yourself single... for a long time.



Just chalk it up to crabbiness and talk about it later.



Or be like me and wear full body protective gear and ask her what the hell her problem is!



Just some advice from a married man.

#15 of 89 OFFLINE   Julie K

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:06 AM

Tim, So I take it that you are feeling continually taken for granted? (Did this start before or after she snapped at you?) What are the sorts of things you feel are lacking in her response to your kindess and consideration? The answers to these questions could give you a good starting point in talking to her in order to resove the undercurrent of unhappiness in your relationship. (But now is not the time to bring the subject up - wait until she's on a more even keel emotionally.) If you can't get anywhere (meaning you are left with an emotional void in the relationship), then something needs to change. Do not start treating her, or other women, like dirt. Just find someone else. There's pleny of fishies in the sea. Stay a "nice guy" and you will find someone nice eventually.
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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."

#16 of 89 OFFLINE   Samuel Des

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:12 AM

There is no reason to presume. No one wants to be perceived as an asshole. Sometimes, people start to resent a relationship because it is so long term; the fallout is usually petty bickering. Can't say's why: people just get sick of each other. This may be what's happening to you. Then again, I don't know how serious the problem is, and I wouldn't want to presume me-self. But generally, you don't "get rid" of people. You leave relationships. If you're not happy, leave amicably if you can. It's slow and hard becoming someone's someone else, but if you see no other alternative, take the step that is best for you. Warm Regards, Sam
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#17 of 89 OFFLINE   TimDoss

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:14 AM

Julie, Definitely before the snapping. Without going into my whole relationship, one thing that always bothers me is I get off of work at 12:30 usually, and at 2:30 I go pick up her two daughters from school and watch them until she gets home at about 5:00... during that time, I'll maybe do some laundry, maybe start dinner, and when she gets home, if I haven't taken out the trash or the apartment is kind of messy, she'll be sure to mention it. And if I say, well I'm sorry, I was doing the laundry, I'll get, wow, you put the clothes in and push the button. That's the kind of thing I am talking about. She is the type of person who can't sit still, if she is home she is constantly doing or cleaning something... and I think that she expects me to be the same way. And as far as treating someone like dirt... I couldn't be that way. I would rather be treated that way myself than treat someone else like that.

#18 of 89 OFFLINE   Patrick Sun

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:22 AM

Tim, it appears to me that you and her don't mesh well. My officemate has the same type of "common law" wife who can't sit still and just relax, she's got to be doing something all the time, and if you're not doing something, then you're a worthless slug. She's always got plans for him to do "something" "anything", freakin' slave driver! I would consider how she makes you feel, and go from there. If her idiosyncracies are ones that you can tolerate, and don't feel belittled by, than stick it out, otherwise, do both of you a favor, and talk about moving away from each other for both of your own good.
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#19 of 89 OFFLINE   Brad_W

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:24 AM

Tim, If it is actually like that (and thinking of my previous post) go ahead and either discuss with her your feelings (communication works best) or break off the relationship. Though you state you don't want to be mean, I'll give you two lines that I used to break up with girls in case you do want to be mean: 1. Welcome to Dumpsville, honey. Population: YOU! 2. The only thing we have in common is the fact that our genitals align correctly! It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate their power.

#20 of 89 OFFLINE   Julie K

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Posted December 06 2001 - 11:32 AM

Tim,

There could be a few things going on here:



She's a compulsive neat freak and you and her just don't mesh. (Hey, I'm a slob and can commiserate.)



Most women do love it when guys do housework. However, there are a few obsessive sorts who can't get past the whole "house as a woman's domain" thing. She may be picking at you as a way to declare housekeeping as her turf or territory.



Sam is right and she's tired of the relationship. Instead of saying something outright, the unhappiness is manifesting itself as bitchiness about housekeeping. (Just as your unhappiness initially manifested about a comment made after an emotionally unsettling event.)



In any event, you guys need to talk. Of course, it may come down to one of Brad's lines Posted Image
"I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf."
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."




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