Going thru life being unnoticed (1 Viewer)

Do any of you ever feel invisible? I do, a lot. Always have. I'm an introvert. I'm not funny, at least not by mainstream standards. I'm not cool. Not tall, not rich, not extraordinarily handsome, etc.

I am a law-abiding short guy with an average body who makes an honest living. Why does that make me insignificant?

I used to be bitter about this when I was younger. I resented the fact that women never noticed me. Now that I'm older and have started losing "interest," I'm no longer bitter but still puzzled.

It doesn't matter where I go, everyone knows everyone else, except me. Everyone talks to everyone else, except me. Everyone hangs out with everyone else, except me. The only constant in these pictures is me, so I realize I've been "the problem." But I hate networking, I hate the politics of the workplace, and I hate fake people.

For some reason, I believe there are millions of people like me, with whom I could be good friends, but we all share a similar (lack of) personality, so we'll never speak.

Hello from behind this introverted wall ...

It could be worse.

If you are truly that invisible, maybe you should consider becoming a ninja?

Brad

Dunno why, but this reminds me of something I read during the period they were looking for the new Bond, and how MI6's actual recruitment requirements differed from what the producers wanted. For instance, the movie Bond has to be good-looking and over 6' tall, probably around 6'2". In real life spies are ordinary looking, and no taller than 5'11", precisely to blend in.

I guess I feel the same way you do Robert, I've always been on the reserved side, but I differ from you in that I'm 6' tall. That might not be overly remarkable in the West, but here that puts me well into the 90th percentile in height -- yet I still get ignored. Fortunately for me, though, I am happily married, and as I age, I don't much care about whether I'm noticed or not anyway. Ironically my job rather requires me to be noticed, at least when I'm arguing a case (I'm a litigator). To this day I can't 'work a room' at a networking party, unlike some colleagues of mine who can schmooze effortlessly -- I can't.

What I can say is that, being noticed (in a good way!) requires you to lose that mindset, and just talk to people. Obviously you don't want to come across as obnoxious or pushy, but you do have to come out of your shell if you want to make friends. Just talk to people, what's the worst that can happen, they don't talk back? No loss there.

I have no doubt whatsoever that if I had not let mom pick out my school clothes, in addition to wearing socks with my shoes more often (smelly feet!), I would have been the most popular guy in school. Oh, a penis implant would have been a contributing factor as well.

There are probably lots of people like this. I was very shy until 1982 when I saw ET and suddenly wanted to make movies, be an actor or entertainer of some sort. Getting front of people scared me to death but I did it anyway and found I could make people laugh. It takes a moment like that to break out. Although even though I have a public entertainment job I'm still surprisingly introverted. I don't do a whole lot. Not much of a social life. Doesn't bother me.

But you don't really want to break out. You just want to hang with a group of people like yourself. The problem is they are all at home alone. Seriously, you do have to get out to meet people in person. Eventually you'll find a group. Or like you're doing now, connect with people online.

I've been pretty much of a loner myself. I kept to myself, I blend into crowds very easily, and I didn't socialize all that much.

But like Radioman has already done, I'm also transitioning into the entertainment business in a rather big way. I'm working at launching Canada's first national public access television channel, which will be available on digital cable, DTH satellite, Free-to-Air satellite, and on the Internet via BitTorrent. I'll have no other choice but to socialize BIG TIME!

At the same time, I'm working on improving my health by trying to follow a modest exercise regime, and walk around the downtown core of Montreal for an hour at least once a day. So along with improved social skills, I'll also improve my physical appearance and overall health, which is a good idea since I'm in my forties, and my extra weight could cause major problems down the road.

So with my new business, I'll meet more people, I'll look and feel better, and I'll probably have a lot more sex. My old self is slowly dying off, being replaced by a new me who'll probably be a nice guy to have at parties.

Robert, find something else to do with your life. What you're doing now doesn't appear to be working out to your advantage.

Did somebody say something?

Come on out of your covey Jeff! We're out here talking amongst ourselves!

Cool. Good luck with your business Francois.

Diet and exercise. I've done that too. Its all about feeling better about yourself. Most people should buy a bicycle. Save on gas and get healthy. Feel good, look good, get out of the house, leave the cell phone at home and ride!!

The OP does have a good point about getting with people who are your type or in your group. For example, I love horror movies, but I'd become a zombie myself before I'd find a group around my small town my age of 40 something that I could relate to on this horror movie matter. :frowning:

This thread is a day old & I didn't notice it for some reason.

Always have, but I don't care to be the center of attention. I learned how to use to my advantage though. If you are the center of attention you are also an easy target for people who think differently than you. Back in school many of my friends would be getting in trouble, but I wasn't noticed. At work I always make sure my bosses know who I am and if I do something good, but it helps when the not so good things go unnoticed. I am not interested in sports, golf, hunting, fishing, racing or many of the other things that guys typically talk about. So my main friends are my wife and 2 kids. Other than work, I don't have a social life.

Dave, I always notice your avatar.

Join the crowd, at 5'4" I can almost blend in, except growing up as an Asian American in a 99% white school system was always fun, you get lumped into being the brainiacs crowd, however, despite having good grades and stuff, I was always fairly athletic too but nobody assumes such so I was always good at things like football where I could play WR and be hidden. Never was good at blocking the rush though.

Certainly there are great benefits of being unnoticed.. think Britney, et al., or any of the stupid things that they can't get away with (nor should, really, not condoning them)...

Jay

It is hard not to notice. "For The Birds" is my favorite Pixar film. Talk about not fitting in with the crowd.

This is going to sound simple (some of the simplest things are very difficult), but if no one is noticing you (and you truly want to be noticed), do something to be noticed. I don't mean run down the highway naked wearing a gorilla mask . . . but seriously, do you think it is society's fault that you are too much of a wuss to interact with your fellow humans?

So tell me, what have you ever done to be noticed? Have you taken a cooking class, volunteered for a charity, joined a club, gone to a singles bar, talked to random strangers on the street?

Wait, I can hear it now . . . Gee Jeff, I'm too (shy, introverted, clumsy, nerdy, ugly, serial-killerish) to do thaaaat!

Well guess what, aside from Lew Crippen and very few other naturally smooth operators, everyone else has one or more of these seemingly fatal flaws. I myself am painfully shy and can't dance a lick (and I've got my worries about some of the borderline serial killers around here ). But I (and they) certainly don't sit back and let it stop us from enjoying life. Plus, how does anyone know they aren't good at something if they haven't tried.

"Oooo, I don't like cooking!!" - Let me tell you something. Chicks like to cook, hence chicks go to cooking classes. You know what chicks like more? A GUY who cooks. You do the math . . .

"Oooo I don't like the bar scene!!" - Yeah drunken women in short skirts who aren't afraid to hang out in singles bars should never appeal to a nerdy guy who has trouble meeting women. :rolleyes

"Oooo, I'm too shy to join a club or a charity!!" - Yeah, because doing some good for humanity or learning a new hobby or skill while simultaneously allowing myself to interact with women in a non-pressure atmosphere can do absolutely nothing for my horrible self-esteem.

Get off your ass boy. It's been on the pity pot too long. Even if you only go to the supermarket and ask a strange woman how to pick out a good melon, it's a start. The fact is, you are unnoticable because you aren't doing anything to be noticed.

Life is for living, so go live it.

You've just described most everyone. On average, people are average. So don't worry, you're in good company.

If you need to be more -- well, Jeff's comments are productive.

I like living semi under the radar....especially when it comes to the friendly types that work for government agencies. At six four, two-fifteen it's a little hard blending in to the crowd.....but I can see over their heads and know what's coming sooner

Mort

I was going to reply earlier, but I was bit too shy.

Pay attention to Jeff’s advice—as usual he is offering sound advice without either rancor or sugar coating.

On the cooking class point, a friend and I took typing way back when I was in high school. While we took a lot of ribbing from the guys, we knew that (back then) only girls took typing. Two guys and thirty or forty girls—to quote Jeff: “You do the math;”

Jeff, I agree with what you say about getting out and doing stuff, but I don't think you can relate to what Robert_Z is trying to convey. I will try to explain why I have always felt invisible.

I am not shy and I have never been one to hibernate in the house. Until I got married, the house was just a place to sleep. In my teens I was very active in 4H and as I got older I was in bowling leagues. I went to either a party or a club every Friday and Saturday night etc..

Now it sounds like I was really social. The reality of it all is I was the guy who had a decent job and reliable car. I had two friends that were "connected" with the social scene but usually had no way of getting there. So we worked out well that way. Somehow, and I could never figure it out, I always ended up by myself not talking with anyone. This whole time, I never met, let alone, went home with a girl. Not even the "drunken women in short skirts". In my entire life I have had only 4 girl friends and 2 of them I married. (not at the same time) I know that I am not Gods gift to women, but I am not offensively ugly either. Being as I was never into sports, I wasn't built or anything even though I lifted weights regularly.

I have been married 17 years now and I am content with my life. I moved away from the area that I grew up in. It has been years since I was invited over to someones house for dinner. Even today when church is over, the kids are off with their friends. My wife has people come over to talk with her. But no one comes over to chat with me. I realise that it is a two way street and I go to talk with some of the guys. I might as well be a WalMart greeting person. All I ever get is a "Hi how are you?" I have gone to church functions where nobody comes over. These are good friendly people.

I just figured that we have no common interests. I know that friendships just happen. They can't be made to happen. As stated earlier I don't have any interest in the "normal" guy stuff like sport, golf, etc... They don't have any interest in building their own house, building a web page,etc... The only people I talk to regularly are my family, co-workers and you guys. For the most part, I am invisible.

I can see myself in a lot of what's been posted here. I often feel like the odd man out when I go places. I'll go to a music festival with a friend, and everyone at the place seems at ease, but I just feel like I don't belong. The thought of going into a restaurant to eat by myself makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, but if I happen to think about it and look around when I'm at a restaurant with others, the people who are by themselves don't look out of place. Nobody's sitting there thinking, "God, look at that loser." Same with movies, but I've only recently started to go to movies by myself.

Building on what Dave said, it seems like there is some undefinable thing that dictates how people react to someone. One guy can walk into an office and tell a joke, and everyone will laugh and clap him on the back. My mom's boss can tell the same joke with the same delivery, and people either don't laugh or get offended. It's the same as one guy being the life of the party and his friend, who is no worse looking and no less outgoing, sitting by himself.

Part of the first example seems to boil down to expectations: how you're acting vs. how they expect you to act. I've known people who take criticism and take criticism, and when they finally speak up for themselves, the person doing the criticising is deeply offended. Someone else who fights back from the word go can fight back without causing any hard feelings at all.

Guys, you aren't invisible. You just aren't interesting. You are giving off a pity/needy vibe, and people (especially women) can smell it a mile away. It's not your looks, it's not your height, it's your sad sack demeanor. Nobody likes a downer. Look, I've got a buddy I've known for 25 years and no one in their right mind would call him handsome. You'd think he'd be a scarecrow to women. But he's positive and interesting and can talk a blue streak. More women chase him than anyone I've ever seen and he's married. I'm single and more like you guys than you know . . . and I depend on the ones he has to turn down (not really . . . well sometimes ).

You just need to stop appearing needy. How to stop this? Practice. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I'm a law abiding short guy too...5' 3" short. I was invisible all through high school. So much so that I was never made fun of for being short while the 5'4" and 5'5" kids were. Go figure. It's like noboby noticed me, and I'm sure 99% of my graduating class would look at our year books, see my picture and have no memory of me whatsoever.

Can't say I've been invisible since then..been married 21 years, have two kids, decent career and a couple of friends..But I'm definitely always on the perimeter of things and never the center of attetention which is exactly how I like it.

Robert, there are no doubt many many people like you out there. If you want to find them, join a diners club, take an adult ed. class on something that interests you, check out your local Y or rec center for upcoming activities that may interest you etc, etc.

Hey, I don't do that needy pity me stuff. I have seen it and it is not me. I am not shy and I am always active with something. I do agree that people don't find what I do interesting. On the other side, I don't find what they do interesting either. I agree also with a lot of what Greg_S_H said about the jokes. Two people can tell the same joke, story, or adventure and one will be received well while the other is not. I worked with this guy who was shorter, should have had braces while he was younger, had troubles talking with out spitting, and frankly I though he was kind of weird looking. And yet waitresses would give him their phone number and all he did was order dinner.

Damn -- Jeff. Easy there bro'

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H - but you're right. :frowning: