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Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan went to heaven.


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45 replies to this topic

#1 of 46 OFFLINE   Nick

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Posted September 21 2007 - 04:54 AM

Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan went to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Lindsay was the first one accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, Britney Spears accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. Paris Hilton remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."

#2 of 46 OFFLINE   Garrett Lundy

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Posted September 21 2007 - 05:15 AM

5/10. You get a hearty chuckle but not quite a guffaw. Posted Image
"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

#3 of 46 OFFLINE   Dave_Brown

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Posted September 21 2007 - 05:46 AM

2/10. Have to take away points for a punchline that was visible by the 2nd paragraph.

#4 of 46 OFFLINE   Al.Anderson

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Posted September 21 2007 - 06:45 AM

Wow. Tough crowd! It was way better than the spreadsheet I was staring at. (Maybe you should only post these during happy hour.)

#5 of 46 OFFLINE   cafink

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Posted September 21 2007 - 06:56 AM

I liked it. 8/10.
 

 


#6 of 46 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted September 21 2007 - 06:56 AM

OK that made me laugh Posted Image. And I agree with you, especially since I was starring at a spreadsheet as well a minute ago as well.

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#7 of 46 OFFLINE   LewB

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Posted September 21 2007 - 09:58 AM

You gotta work on the opening.
Paris, Britney and Lindsay go to heaven ? Posted Image

#8 of 46 OFFLINE   Garrett Lundy

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Posted September 21 2007 - 10:00 AM

Celebrity double-standards apply in death also.
"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

#9 of 46 OFFLINE   Mike Frezon

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Posted September 21 2007 - 10:07 AM

You guys are killing me! Posted Image

There's Jessie the yodeling cowgirl. Bullseye, he's Woody's horse. Pete the old prospector. And, Woody, the man himself.Of course, it's time for Woody's RoundUp. He's the very best! He's the rootinest, tootinest cowboy in the wild, wild west!


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#10 of 46 OFFLINE   Carlo Medina

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Posted September 21 2007 - 10:09 AM

Damn, I clicked into this thread because I thought my friend won his Death Pool. He picked those three for this year, going for maximum pointage. To his credit he picked them last year, before a lot of this silliness started happening. And he might have picked Nicole Ritchie and not Paris, but he did pick the other two.

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#11 of 46 OFFLINE   Jay H

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Posted September 21 2007 - 10:42 AM

Why ducks? Posted Image

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#12 of 46 OFFLINE   LewB

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Posted September 21 2007 - 11:08 AM

Why-a-duck? why-a-fence ?
Sorry Groucho Posted Image

#13 of 46 OFFLINE   Garrett Lundy

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Posted September 21 2007 - 01:49 PM

I'll try..... Paris, Lindsey and Britney all go to a bar (I know, hard to imagine but try and keep up). After a few rounds the bartender leans over the counter and tells the trio a story. "You see, in the women's bathroom has a magic mirror. If you look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be rewarded. But if you look in the mirror and tell a lie you will be sucked into another dimension, never to be seen again." After a few more rounds of liquid courage the three start heading to the ladies room to take care of business and try out the magic mirror. Linsey drains her bladder, does a line of coke off the counter and looks into the mirror... "I think I'm the most talented actress in the bar." And sudden her cell rings, its her lawyer. "Good news Ms. Lohan, it seems the arresting officer has accidently misplaced all of his paperwork. The charges against you have been dropped!" Lindsey tells the other two about the magic mirror and they can't wait to try it out. Britney runs into ther bathroom and looks into the mirror... "I think I'm the most successful singer in this bar." (Both Paris and Lindsey happen to be signed to major labels, so it was really a numbers game that Britney happened to get this right). Just then her cellphone rang. "Hello, Ms. Speares, this is the department of family services. It seems your ex-husband passed away this afternoon trying to recreate the movie Ghostrider by lighting his head on fire while performing wheelies on his motorcycle. The court has no recourse but to award you sole custody of your children." Last but certainly not least Paris finally got her chance to use the magic mirror. She set her yappy little dog on the counter and stared straight into the mirror... "I think..." And she was never heard from again.
"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

#14 of 46 OFFLINE   Nick

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Posted September 21 2007 - 02:53 PM

Let's put this Mirror in all the bars she goes to. That's funny. I should change the thread to Let's Bash Paris Hilton.

#15 of 46 OFFLINE   drobbins

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Posted September 22 2007 - 12:46 AM

Britney, Lindsay and Paris are invited to a party in the country by a lake. Rather than take their limos, they decide to rent a small pick-up. After getting it they realize that only two can ride up front. They draw straws and Lindsay gets to drive, Britney rides as passenger and Paris rides in the back. When they get to the lake, the party is going strong. Distracted by everything going on, Lindsay hits the gas instead of the brakes and drives right into the lake. With the truck sinking fast due to water rushing in, Lindsay and Britney open their doors to escape. Poor Paris ended up drowning though. She was last seen frantically trying to open the tailgate.

#16 of 46 OFFLINE   JamesED

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Posted September 22 2007 - 01:36 AM

A little morbid, but I laughed pretty hard.

#17 of 46 OFFLINE   Nick

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Posted September 22 2007 - 06:24 AM

Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan met each other at a bar for a drink and were watching the six o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. Paris said " I bet $50 he wouldn't jump" The Bartender said , "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so Paris gave the Bartender $50 she owed. The bartender said, "I can't take this." Paris said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money." So the bartender said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money." Paris replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

#18 of 46 OFFLINE   Nick

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Posted September 27 2007 - 07:08 PM

Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were so sick and tired of having paparazzi following them around so they decided to go out in the country and swim in a lake. Britney suggested that they have a swimming contest to see who is the better swimmer. It was a 5 mile race. At the finish line, Lindsay came in first then Britney and finally, after two hours of waiting Paris arrived. Lindsay and Britney asked what had taken her so long. Paris replied, "Well, I don't want to be picky or anything, but you guys told me it was a breast stroke swimming but I think you two were using your hands!"

#19 of 46 OFFLINE   PatH

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Posted September 28 2007 - 03:40 PM

These are tasteless, crude defamatory and I don't know what else! KEEP 'EM COMIN'Posted Image

PatH

#20 of 46 OFFLINE   Inspector Hammer!

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Posted September 29 2007 - 10:11 AM

You guys are merciless! Posted Image

Here's an old one you might of heard...

A guy is hit by a bus and finds himself outside the pearly gates, an angel walks over and say "welcome, allow me to give you a guided tour of your new eternal home".

The man agrees and he and the angel spend the entire day seeing some of the most awe inspiring sights you can imagine. Then the angel takes him into this enormous room that seems to go on into infinity and it's filled wall to wall with hundreds of millions of clocks which are all moving at various speeds.

The man asks the angel curiously "what are all these clocks for and why are they moving at different speeds?" The angel answers "each of these clocks belongs to someone on earth, each time they commit a sin their clock speeds up just a little faster."

The man continues to look around and notices this one clock on the cieling and the hands are spinning wildly out of control, he asks the angel "who's that clock belong to?" to which the angel replies "that's O.J. Simpson's clock, we decided to use it as a fan."

You can replace O.J. with Paris and the joke still works I think. Posted Image
"That's Jack Bauer!!!!!! He's coming for me!!!!!" - Charles Logan




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