I Was Reading Dear Abby A While Back... (1 Viewer)

and came across the following.

Now putting aside things like this is a one-sided story and who knows what else was going on, I was wondering...

What if you had a relationship with someone, marriage or whatever, and over the years although things were good, one person had decided that sexual relationships no longer was of any interest. Assume it's not a question of biological impossibility but just one of decision. In a situation like that, if the other partner wants to have sexual relationships outside of the union, is that something that'd be called cheating or wrong? So, if Person A isn't interested in it, should Person A care if Person B looks elsewhere for it?

The Viagra doesn't prove anything by itself- it doesn't mean he slept with anyone else.

There are plenty of teenage boys who have condoms, but that doesn't mean they've had a chance to use them.

But they hope to, something you unwittingly acknowledged with the expression "had a chance to".

The pills shows intent -- a step further than mere desire.

Chu, the answer to your question is that something is only wrong in this context if it betrays whatever arrangement these two have between them.

--
H

I think you're right Holadem. I think most people enter into a relationship expecting sexual monogamy, however the expectations and deals you cut at one time, are they still valid years later when one party no longer wants to engage in it?

I think if you're referring to something like a marriage then it would come down to the vows made initially and your commitment to honor same.....the "for better or worse" stuff. JMO

Mort

The problem is really a matter of being truthful. If someone is uninterested in having sex with you, you still don't have the right to look for sex elsewhere without discussing it first with your partner. If you're partner says it's ok, then all the best to ya, but if you don't mention it to them, then damn you to hell if you start looking elsewhere.

And as is the case of not using the Viagra, as was mentioned, trust and dishonesty can also be achieved in just the mere thought of looking for sex elsewhere. I mean, if you knew someone who bought a gun, studied your daily activities (in the quest to murder you), then you caught onto them before they could, would you still be comfortable being around them? Would it matter if they said "But I didn't kill you, so there's nothing to be concerned about"??

Going back to the Dear Abby letter, if the husband said the pills were his but he was only using them for self gratification, would that be plausible? (Do people use them even if they don't have a partner?)

Just curious

Well they were originally developed to treat heart disease.....

People still read Dear Abby? I thought Savage Love kinda was alot better (certainly more fun to read).

Everyday since I was about 12, but then I've always been a reality rubbernecker (can't get enough of Judge Judy or The People's Court). The new Abby can't hold a candle to her mom, but then few can. She's quickly finding her way.

My thoughts exactly. If she wasn't putting out for 15 years he was probably tearin it up in the shower.

Viagra (from what I've heard) makes it EXTREMELY difficult to....ummm, you know....finish....

Self-gratification is definitely not what it's used for. It's used to maintain so you can have sex.

Viagra is not only prescribed for erectile disfunction, you know. He may have it for other medically valid reasons...

Then how come his wife didn't know about it? I can't imagine it was used for anything other than sex, considering the secrecy of it all.

To answer the original question yes it is cheating and yes it is wrong.

If one partner in a relationship is not satisfied with the sexual aspect of the partnership they should communicate to their partner that they are dissatisfied with the situation. If a common ground can not be reached the relationship should be ended.

On a side note, this letter illustrates why I generally dislike advice columns. Since I only know her side of the story I don’t feel the least bit of empathy for the writer.

There are just far too many unknowns in this case.

Is that because you feel she is being stupid? meaning, if the husband is actually having sex elsewhere, that she is a complete moron for seeking opinions on whether it is ok that he did it? If so, I agree in that respect. If the husband IS having sex elsewhere, she is a downright moron to think that it is acceptable (because she isn't putting out and that means it's ok for him to look elsewhere). As was said, if there is a problem, you solve it first before adding to the problem.

Either fix the sexual issues or end the relationship - END OF STORY!

Man, people piss me off so much! I wish I had a license to separate people who don't belong together. It'd be a FULL time job for me.

> To answer the original question yes it is cheating

Um, no, just having a bottle of pills is not cheating. Cheating involves another person.

The original question wasn't whether finding pills was cheating, it was whether a person (in a no longer sexual relationship) was cheating if they sought sex elsewhere? I agree that yes, that is cheating. It has nothing to do with whether the other person does or does not want to have sex anymore.

I think it's more that all the readers are getting is one side of the story. What if it turned out the husband got a prescription for another health-related matter? Or if he got it to jump-start their sex life? Or if the reason that they are "barely civil" to one another is her fault? It's hard to accept the story at face-value; more information is necessary.

I find the advice itself suspect, but I guess if a relationship is that strained, it may be best to work through a third party.

To answer the initial question - yes, it's cheating.

If he WAS getting it to jump start their love life or for another health related issue, why does she not know about it?

If I were married and my Dr. prescribed Viagra for an un-sex related issue, bot only would I tell my wife, but I'd have the Dr. tell her, tell all my friends, tell all her friends, and get written proof that it was for an unrelated health problem.

The husbands actions sound highly suspect.

> it was whether a person (in a no longer sexual relationship) was cheating if they sought sex elsewhere?

We don't know that that happened. All we know is that pills were found. You are jumping to conclusions.

The real problem is that the couple hasn't been intimate for 15 years- in that situation you can't really blame the guy for doing something (if he even did).