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I Was Reading Dear Abby A While Back...


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#1 of 44 OFFLINE   Chu Gai

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Posted September 29 2006 - 04:42 AM

and came across the following.
Quote:
DEAR ABBY: I found a box of Viagra in my husband's pants pocket while I was sorting the laundry. The box had a prescription label with the date and his name printed on it.

My husband and I share the same bed, but have not been intimate for more than 15 years. Our marriage is a marriage of convenience, not love. We are barely civil to each other.

From experience, I know that if I confront him, he will lie and fabricate a story. This is the second time in five years that I have found Viagra. Where do I go from here? -- ANGRY BEYOND WORDS, OTTAWA, CANADA

DEAR ANGRY BEYOND WORDS: The first place you should go is somewhere quiet, where you can cool your anger and ask yourself some important questions:

(1) Why have I tolerated a loveless marriage of convenience for more than 15 years?

(2) Am I better off with this man or without him?

Once you have answered those questions you will know whether to consult a marriage counselor or a lawyer.

P.S. Freud said there is no such thing as an "accident." If you decide to reveal to your husband that you found the stash he left in his pocket, would you please let me know what kind of lies he fabricates? I'm sure my readers are as curious as I am about what kind of story he can come up with.

Now putting aside things like this is a one-sided story and who knows what else was going on, I was wondering...

What if you had a relationship with someone, marriage or whatever, and over the years although things were good, one person had decided that sexual relationships no longer was of any interest. Assume it's not a question of biological impossibility but just one of decision. In a situation like that, if the other partner wants to have sexual relationships outside of the union, is that something that'd be called cheating or wrong? So, if Person A isn't interested in it, should Person A care if Person B looks elsewhere for it?

#2 of 44 OFFLINE   Chris Lockwood

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Posted September 29 2006 - 05:14 AM

The Viagra doesn't prove anything by itself- it doesn't mean he slept with anyone else.

There are plenty of teenage boys who have condoms, but that doesn't mean they've had a chance to use them.

#3 of 44 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted September 29 2006 - 06:15 AM

But they hope to, something you unwittingly acknowledged with the expression "had a chance to".

The pills shows intent -- a step further than mere desire.

Chu, the answer to your question is that something is only wrong in this context if it betrays whatever arrangement these two have between them.

--
H

#4 of 44 OFFLINE   Chu Gai

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Posted September 29 2006 - 06:53 AM

I think you're right Holadem. I think most people enter into a relationship expecting sexual monogamy, however the expectations and deals you cut at one time, are they still valid years later when one party no longer wants to engage in it?

#5 of 44 OFFLINE   Mort Corey

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Posted September 29 2006 - 08:08 AM

I think if you're referring to something like a marriage then it would come down to the vows made initially and your commitment to honor same.....the "for better or worse" stuff. JMO

Mort

#6 of 44 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 29 2006 - 08:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Lockwood
There are plenty of teenage boys who have condoms, but that doesn't mean they've had a chance to use them.
They're also not married.
Quote:
In a situation like that, if the other partner wants to have sexual relationships outside of the union, is that something that'd be called cheating or wrong? So, if Person A isn't interested in it, should Person A care if Person B looks elsewhere for it?
The problem is really a matter of being truthful. If someone is uninterested in having sex with you, you still don't have the right to look for sex elsewhere without discussing it first with your partner. If you're partner says it's ok, then all the best to ya, but if you don't mention it to them, then damn you to hell if you start looking elsewhere.

And as is the case of not using the Viagra, as was mentioned, trust and dishonesty can also be achieved in just the mere thought of looking for sex elsewhere. I mean, if you knew someone who bought a gun, studied your daily activities (in the quest to murder you), then you caught onto them before they could, would you still be comfortable being around them? Would it matter if they said "But I didn't kill you, so there's nothing to be concerned about"??

#7 of 44 OFFLINE   Brian Perry

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Posted September 29 2006 - 12:42 PM

Going back to the Dear Abby letter, if the husband said the pills were his but he was only using them for self gratification, would that be plausible? (Do people use them even if they don't have a partner?)

Just curious Posted Image

#8 of 44 OFFLINE   Garrett Lundy

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Posted September 29 2006 - 01:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian Perry
(Do people use them even if they don't have a partner?)
Well they were originally developed to treat heart disease.....

People still read Dear Abby? I thought Savage Love kinda was alot better (certainly more fun to read).
"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

#9 of 44 OFFLINE   David Williams

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Posted September 29 2006 - 05:25 PM

Quote:
People still read Dear Abby?

Everyday since I was about 12, but then I've always been a reality rubbernecker (can't get enough of Judge Judy or The People's Court). The new Abby can't hold a candle to her mom, but then few can. She's quickly finding her way.
"Only two things are infinite––the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe." ––Albert Einstein

#10 of 44 OFFLINE   Scott L

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Posted September 30 2006 - 04:22 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian Perry
Going back to the Dear Abby letter, if the husband said the pills were his but he was only using them for self gratification, would that be plausible? (Do people use them even if they don't have a partner?)

Just curious Posted Image
My thoughts exactly. If she wasn't putting out for 15 years he was probably tearin it up in the shower.

#11 of 44 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 30 2006 - 04:28 AM

Viagra (from what I've heard) makes it EXTREMELY difficult to....ummm, you know....finish....Posted Image

Self-gratification is definitely not what it's used for. It's used to maintain so you can have sex.

#12 of 44 OFFLINE   Nate Anderson

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Posted September 30 2006 - 04:36 AM

Viagra is not only prescribed for erectile disfunction, you know. He may have it for other medically valid reasons...
My Extensive DVD collection.

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#13 of 44 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 30 2006 - 06:19 AM

Quote:
He may have it for other medically valid reasons...
Then how come his wife didn't know about it? I can't imagine it was used for anything other than sex, considering the secrecy of it all.

#14 of 44 OFFLINE   Patrick_S

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Posted September 30 2006 - 06:40 AM

To answer the original question yes it is cheating and yes it is wrong.

If one partner in a relationship is not satisfied with the sexual aspect of the partnership they should communicate to their partner that they are dissatisfied with the situation. If a common ground can not be reached the relationship should be ended.

On a side note, this letter illustrates why I generally dislike advice columns. Since I only know her side of the story I don’t feel the least bit of empathy for the writer.

There are just far too many unknowns in this case.

#15 of 44 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 30 2006 - 06:57 AM

Quote:
If a common ground can not be reached the relationship should be ended.
That's very true. If you're not satisfied in the relationship, then you either work it out or get out. It's these people who want to be in a relationship and find satisfaction outside the relationship that piss me off.

Not only is it selfish, but it's so cowardly. Be a man and deal with it in the honorable/manly way, instead of being a little piss-ant coward.
Quote:
this letter illustrates why I generally dislike advice columns. Since I only know her side of the story I don’t feel the least bit of empathy for the writer.
Is that because you feel she is being stupid? meaning, if the husband is actually having sex elsewhere, that she is a complete moron for seeking opinions on whether it is ok that he did it? If so, I agree in that respect. If the husband IS having sex elsewhere, she is a downright moron to think that it is acceptable (because she isn't putting out and that means it's ok for him to look elsewhere). As was said, if there is a problem, you solve it first before adding to the problem.

Either fix the sexual issues or end the relationship - END OF STORY!

Man, people piss me off so much! Posted Image I wish I had a license to separate people who don't belong together. It'd be a FULL time job for me. Posted Image

#16 of 44 OFFLINE   Chris Lockwood

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Posted September 30 2006 - 07:00 AM

> To answer the original question yes it is cheating

Um, no, just having a bottle of pills is not cheating. Cheating involves another person.

#17 of 44 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 30 2006 - 07:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Lockwood
> To answer the original question yes it is cheating

Um, no, just having a bottle of pills is not cheating. Cheating involves another person.
The original question wasn't whether finding pills was cheating, it was whether a person (in a no longer sexual relationship) was cheating if they sought sex elsewhere? I agree that yes, that is cheating. It has nothing to do with whether the other person does or does not want to have sex anymore.

#18 of 44 OFFLINE   KevinGress

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Posted October 02 2006 - 04:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkHastings
Quote:
this letter illustrates why I generally dislike advice columns. Since I only know her side of the story I don’t feel the least bit of empathy for the writer.

Is that because you feel she is being stupid? meaning, if the husband is actually having sex elsewhere, that she is a complete moron for seeking opinions on whether it is ok that he did it? If so, I agree in that respect. If the husband IS having sex elsewhere, she is a downright moron to think that it is acceptable (because she isn't putting out and that means it's ok for him to look elsewhere). As was said, if there is a problem, you solve it first before adding to the problem.

I think it's more that all the readers are getting is one side of the story. What if it turned out the husband got a prescription for another health-related matter? Or if he got it to jump-start their sex life? Or if the reason that they are "barely civil" to one another is her fault? It's hard to accept the story at face-value; more information is necessary.

I find the advice itself suspect, but I guess if a relationship is that strained, it may be best to work through a third party.

To answer the initial question - yes, it's cheating.

#19 of 44 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted October 02 2006 - 04:44 AM

Quote:
I think it's more that all the readers are getting is one side of the story. What if it turned out the husband got a prescription for another health-related matter? Or if he got it to jump-start their sex life?
This may be true, BUT, she mentions this:
Quote:
This is the second time in five years that I have found Viagra
If he WAS getting it to jump start their love life or for another health related issue, why does she not know about it?

If I were married and my Dr. prescribed Viagra for an un-sex related issue, bot only would I tell my wife, but I'd have the Dr. tell her, tell all my friends, tell all her friends, and get written proof that it was for an unrelated health problem. Posted Image

The husbands actions sound highly suspect.

#20 of 44 OFFLINE   Chris Lockwood

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Posted October 02 2006 - 04:45 AM

> it was whether a person (in a no longer sexual relationship) was cheating if they sought sex elsewhere?

We don't know that that happened. All we know is that pills were found. You are jumping to conclusions.

The real problem is that the couple hasn't been intimate for 15 years- in that situation you can't really blame the guy for doing something (if he even did).


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