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My first movie


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13 replies to this topic

#1 of 14 OFFLINE   Shaughan

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Posted September 07 2006 - 09:08 AM

3:24 long. Done as an excersise to learn how to make a film.

http://www.b-scenefi...m/Aquarium.html

Crits and comments welcome.

#2 of 14 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 07 2006 - 09:23 AM

LOL - very good. My only comment would be to have the timing sped up a bit more.

#3 of 14 OFFLINE   Eric_L

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Posted September 07 2006 - 12:42 PM

What would you like the comments to be regarding? The acting, script, composition, directing? Film looks better than amateur, not quite pro. Nice sound FX. Acting is the same. The script was too empty for such a long presentation or the presentation was to long for the script. Adding more 'bite' to the dialogue with a few more jokes would have been good - even if it made it longer. Maybe a visual joke or two - it is a visual medium. Maybe have a second theme with a recurring joke - a surprize ending or alternate ending? - your tough guy could actually BE gay and agressivly attracted to the subject, or a final scene with the tough guy reading the logic book while medics work on your subject on the ground before him.

#4 of 14 OFFLINE   Shaughan

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Posted September 07 2006 - 01:46 PM

Thank you both for taking the time to watch it. Your comments are fascinating to me. The only people that I have shown this to are other film makers and a typical comment is that I do not waste any time and the film gets right to the point. It's interesting that the two perspectives are diametrically opposed. Thanks very much for the comments. I hope other folks here will comment as well.

#5 of 14 OFFLINE   Russell G

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Posted September 08 2006 - 08:32 AM

Nice work, looks very slick and professional. My only nick pick would be the timing, speed it up a little in the "no talking spots", but not a deal breaker. Again, nice work.

#6 of 14 OFFLINE   Thi Them

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Posted September 08 2006 - 10:06 AM

Shaughan, you are Mike? I liked it. The best thing about it was the pace and delivery of the first conversation. The zoom out of the book takes too much time. The second part should be introduced with the tough guy already sitting on the bench. Same setup as the first part. I thought the tough guy's reaction was too abrupt. The background sound was annoying, with the birds chirping a lot. ~T

#7 of 14 OFFLINE   Mort Corey

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Posted September 08 2006 - 11:04 AM

As one without speakers, I saw the silent version. The story was well presented as I feel I know what was said and what transpired at the ending. The camera transitions seemed a bit rough and the zoom function a tad on the heavy side, but overall, very nice work. Mort

#8 of 14 OFFLINE   Lew Crippen

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Posted September 09 2006 - 09:02 AM

Overall a nice effort. I agree with Thi's comments. I really thought that the ideas had been used up in the first part and the ending seemed forced. Or put another way, it seemed as though the writer did not have a clear idea on how to conclude the story. The last few seconds of the crew talking don't work for me.
¡Time is not my master!

#9 of 14 OFFLINE   MarkHastings

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Posted September 09 2006 - 09:31 AM

me neither. If you want a good idea, do something like they did on Roseanne where you hear the paramedics pulls up and all sorts of emergency sounds in the background, etc. (all over black or the credits).

#10 of 14 OFFLINE   Magnus T

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Posted September 09 2006 - 09:36 AM

Ugh...
There is no spoon...
but there is a fork with a cork!

#11 of 14 OFFLINE   D. Scott MacDonald

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Posted September 09 2006 - 11:15 AM

I agree that the initial zoom out took a little too long (at least longer than what I'm used to) and that it took too long for the tough guy to sit down. Other than that, I thought that it was good.

And for the record, I used to own an aquarium Posted Image
Scott

#12 of 14 OFFLINE   Shaughan

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Posted September 11 2006 - 06:40 AM

LOL that audio at the end was unintentional. It was an edit trim that got left on there and I did not notice it. My bad. Thanks a ton for all of the comments here folks. I greatly appreciate it. I re-cut it last night based on comments here and elsewhere. The zoom out in the beginning is now a cross dissolve that moves very quickly to the start of the dialog. The second scene also cross dissolves from the start of the zoom out to the tough guy sitting down. This corrects a number of issues: Pacing. Chip crunching. Shake on zoom out in beginning. Eliminates issue where Notso looks at the camera. Eliminates some BG noise when the tough guy is walking. I put this new edit up at the same link today and would love feedback on it. Thanks folks!

#13 of 14 OFFLINE   Thi Them

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Posted September 12 2006 - 02:41 AM

The shot of the first logic book needs to zoom out a little, and then do the cross dissolve like how it's done the second time. The background noise is still distracting; I would just go out and record the sound from your backyard and use that, and maybe use a little of the subtle part of bird chirping. I still don't like how it ends.

But, it's a lot better! Posted Image

~T

#14 of 14 OFFLINE   Shaughan

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Posted September 12 2006 - 12:42 PM

The stupid birds were actually at the location. Chattering like hell. Not a lot I can do about them. Glad you liked the changes.




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