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Another LOVE thread


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47 replies to this topic

#1 of 48 Mike_Ch

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Posted May 21 2005 - 05:31 PM

So i've met this girl and she says, "There's a difference between loving someone, and being in love".

What is the difference? Is one where you can't give yourself completely because there aren't the feelings you get from "being in love"? Is one temporary, and the other a long-term thing? Can you love someone without "being in love"? Totally confused with this, need help any and all!!!

Cheers,
Mike

#2 of 48 Cameron Yee

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Posted May 21 2005 - 06:51 PM

Basically she means she cares for you but either 1) just wants to be friends or 2) doesn't see a longterm future with you. I knew a girl who cared for her boyfriend a great deal, loved him, but was not "in love" with him to the point she could see them being together long term. Another scenario is when one falls in love with his best female friend, who cares for him a great deal but ultimately isn't in love with him or can fall in love with him. In that sense she certainly loves him - as a friend or like a brother - but is not "in love" with him.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings Posted Image
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#3 of 48 george kaplan

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Posted May 22 2005 - 12:45 AM

Yeah, it's a crock. Just another version of "it's not you, it's me" bs.
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#4 of 48 Steve Schaffer

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Posted May 22 2005 - 09:06 AM

A true example of loving someone but not being "in love" is like my relationship with my last ex. We've known each other for 35 years, were married from 95 to 97, are still each other's best friends and love each other dearly but we are not "in love". There's nothing I would not do for her and vice versa. We just are not capable of maintaining a romantic relationship.

It's possible for long standing friendships to involve more love for the other person than even one's relationship with one's spouse imho, just that one has the sexual attraction to the spouse and not to the friend.
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#5 of 48 Kyle McKnight

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Posted May 22 2005 - 03:43 PM

I love my dog, but I'm not in love with him.
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#6 of 48 Danny Tse

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Posted May 22 2005 - 08:26 PM

You mean you didn't get the "relationship decoder ring"?

Me neither.
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#7 of 48 Mark Shannon

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Posted May 23 2005 - 12:42 AM

Quote:
I love my dog, but I'm not in love with him.

Kyle said it best. There's a difference. I love my mother and father, my dog, and hell, even my computers. But I'm not in love with any of them.

#8 of 48 Abby_B

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Posted May 23 2005 - 02:00 AM

I think that sometimes loving someone can precede being in love with them... when you've reached a point of truly caring about someone in a long-lasting way, you can love them without being in love. And then, you can still fall in love with them. So, to be a small note of optimism, being in love isn't out of the question at some point. A lot depends on the context in which she made this comment...

#9 of 48 Michael Reuben

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Posted May 23 2005 - 02:05 AM

Quote:
So i've met this girl and she says, "There's a difference between loving someone, and being in love".
It doesn't really matter what anyone here thinks the difference is. What matters is what she thinks the difference is.

Ask her.

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#10 of 48 Mike_Ch

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Posted May 23 2005 - 07:50 PM

Ok thanks guys.

Well, she's been in a few relationships before, but the other night she said, "There's a difference between being in love, and loving someone. I wonder what it feels like to be in love?" I guess this meant she has never really "been in love" with her ex's, although she still is still good friends with at least one of them. So I ask her if she's in love with me, and well, the answer was a bit ambiguous, more like, wait and see kinda thing.

We haven't been going out for a long time, maybe about a month, and friends before that for what seems like ages. I am honestly very confused, since for me, you have to "be in love" to want to date. Is this going to become a train wreck?

Cheers,
Mike

#11 of 48 John Alvarez

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Posted May 23 2005 - 11:02 PM

Quote:
since for me, you have to "be in love" to want to date

Why is that? If you have only been dating a month chances are you haven't seen every side of her enough to know if you love her at all.
Quote:
So I ask her if she's in love with me,

Never ever ask that question unless you are prepared to get hurt or are looking to end a dead end relationship.

#12 of 48 JamieD

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Posted May 23 2005 - 11:46 PM

Quote:
We haven't been going out for a long time, maybe about a month


That's not a long time.

It was a loaded question to ask.

And most people sure as heck aren't "in love" to want to date. It often just comes down to either loneliness or physical attraction.

I completely understand her answer, and you are likely barking up a light pole (the wrong tree, if you will).
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#13 of 48 Abby_B

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Posted May 24 2005 - 01:58 AM

Quote:
So I ask her if she's in love with me, and well, the answer was a bit ambiguous, more like, wait and see kinda thing.


In general, this isn't the best question to ask someone...think about how awkward it is for them to answer! If someone wants you to know that they love you, they'll let you know in words or actions or something. But they shouldn't have to do it under request.


Quote:
I am honestly very confused, since for me, you have to "be in love" to want to date.


Why? Dating is not a huge commitment... How do you fall in love with someone if you aren't spending time with them, which is basically what dating it?

#14 of 48 Cameron Yee

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Posted May 24 2005 - 02:08 AM

Quote:
I am honestly very confused, since for me, you have to "be in love" to want to date.


I agree that people have many reasons for dating, but not many of them are in it because they are in love, especially after a month.

Based on her saying, "I wonder what it's like to be in love?" you really didn't need to ask that question; she was basically saying she isn't in love. But I understand the situation. She was basically prompting you and either you ask that follow-up question or endure a moment of awkward silence and then change the subject. At best it sounds like she's not sure if she wants to be dating anymore. You may want to talk to her about that...it sounds like she just wasn't brave enough to bring it up directly.
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#15 of 48 Cameron Yee

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Posted May 24 2005 - 02:21 AM

Quote:
At best it sounds like she's not sure if she wants to be dating anymore. You may want to talk to her about that...it sounds like she just wasn't brave enough to bring it up directly.
Actually, scrub that, sorry. She's probably still trying to sort things out after being friends with you so long. But it probably makes it somewhat difficult if you are obviously in love and she hasn't gotten there yet. Putting pressure there would be a bad idea. Though part of me is still curious why she brought it up...
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#16 of 48 Paul Bond

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Posted May 24 2005 - 02:30 AM

Quote:
...since for me, you have to "be in love" to want to date.


Well, Mike, I am inclined to say you need to re-think your reasons for dating someone. Even though this is someone you've known for some time, you've only been dating for a month. You DATE someone because you LIKE them, or might LIKE them, or are INTRIGUED by them, or LUST after them, or just want to MEET them, or even are bored and don't want to be alone on Saturday night. If the dating continues long enough then you (and hopefully she) might discover that you also love each other.


Quote:
...she said, "There's a difference between being in love, and loving someone. I wonder what it feels like to be in love?"


It is a little too late for a spontaneous reply, but you might use a variation of this: "I've been thinking about what you said about being in love and loving someone. I can't say which will be the result of our relationship. I do enjoy being with you and I hope you feel the same with me. Love rarely just happens. It takes time to develop. We'll just have to enjoy our time together and see what happens."

I suggest you use your own words, but I hope the meaning is there, and I hope it helps. Dr. Phil, I ain't!!!

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#17 of 48 BrettB

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Posted May 24 2005 - 02:56 AM

Quote:
Just another version of "it's not you, it's me" bs.
Quote:
So I ask her if she's in love with me, and well, the answer was a bit ambiguous, more like, wait and see kinda thing.
Sure, you changed it up and asked her if she loved you instead of telling her that you love her but basically your living in some alternate Seinfeld Universe. How high up on the face did she go with her hand? Posted Image

Good luck.

#18 of 48 Mike_Ch

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Posted May 24 2005 - 03:16 AM

I should probably clarify a few things, since I wasn't particularly accurate with what happened!!! And seems a lot of the responses picked up on that! My bad...

I didn't actually ask her, "Are you in love with me"... I just replied when she asked, "There's a difference between being in love, and loving someone. I wonder what it feels like to be in love?" with "Do you think you might feel differently about that in the future?" or words to that effect (as my memory is not as good as it used to be) Posted Image

I also guess when i meant u have to be "in love" with someone to date them is that you care for them, like them a lot, get a tingly feeling when they call or whatever. That's what i meant, not "i love u and want to be with u forever and ever" as its being interpreted.

I guess I was just taken aback cos her ex apparently proposed to her, and she said "No", cos she didn't "love him enough" in her words. Meaning, as some have suggested, she loved him ie. cared for him, but wasn't "in love". I am just on my guard I guess, cos I don't feel like being used, wasting years to have her suddenly tell me, "no, i never really loved u like that in all this time we've been together". I guess maybe I am looking at things too long-term and should just enjoy the moment. But the thing is, there's so many mixed signals, maybe she is just as confused as i am, cos i KNOW i really care for her, but as for real love? I dunno yet.

So basically I guess the consensus from u guys and gals is that dating is a means to an end. To complicate things further tho, is the fact that she wanted to take a holiday, this being organised by her "friends" (I interpreted this as mostly her ex-bf's friends and her ex as the main organiser!), but said she couldn't, and has to make it later in the year. And her ex said fine, but only us two can go if that's the case (meaning her and her ex), and she was telling me that was ok as long as they didn't share a bedroom, adn that she wasn't thiking anything like romantic... just that it would be boring with just hte two of them... when she told me i was like "i would feel really uncomfortable with that", i mean What the Hell?!?!? Spending an ENTIRE weekend with her ex alone together? Who the hell does that? Or was this a test of my commitment and a ploy to make me jealous? Why couldn't I find someone simpler, I'm thinking? Posted Image

Cheers,
Mike

#19 of 48 Cameron Yee

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Posted May 24 2005 - 03:22 AM

Quote:
I should probably clarify a few things, since I wasn't particularly accurate with what happened!!!

Accuracy, schmaccuracy!
Quote:
I am just on my guard I guess, cos I don't feel like being used, wasting years to have her suddenly tell me, "no, i never really loved u like that in all this time we've been together". I guess maybe I am looking at things too long-term and should just enjoy the moment. But the thing is, there's so many mixed signals, maybe she is just as confused as i am, cos i KNOW i really care for her, but as for real love? I dunno yet.
If YOU'RE not sure how you feel yet, why worry? It could very well turn out that you've wasted HER time Posted Image
Quote:
Spending an ENTIRE weekend with her ex along together? Who the hell does that?
I'd say someone who is trying to muscle in. I'd watch out for him.
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#20 of 48 Lew Crippen

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Posted May 24 2005 - 04:03 AM

Quote:
Why couldn't I find someone simpler, I'm thinking?
Mike, it does not appear as though you have actually "found" her. She is sending out plenty of signals that would mean to most, that she is not considering you (and perhaps anyone) as a long-term partner. Since she is happy to tell you about an upcomming vacation with her ex, whose proposal she rejected, she is also likely telling you that you do not enter her plans.

If you want to keep seeing her in hopes that she will change her mind, go for it--just don´t be surprised if you continue to play second fiddle.

And reread Michael's reply.
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