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Rambo Rick's "10 Reaons Why Titannic is Better than Lord of the Rigns"


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#1 of 66 Ernest Rister

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Posted December 05 2004 - 01:26 PM

As posted at TheOnering.net:

http://www.theonerin....0005BE17C.html

10 REASONS WHY TITANNIC IS BETTER THAN LORD OF THE RIGNS

by Rambo Rick

10. Their is no such thing as a town of mijets. I know mijets and theyre family is not all mijet like them. A village oif mijets is not realistic. What is making everyoe mijet? Were all the mijets sent too this village? Their are no mijets in Titannic because mijets don't like to ride boats. They like the circus.

9. Titannic is original and Lord of the rings is a rip off. I saw Willow when I was in middle school Titaniic is not a rip off of willo. Lord of the Rings is a willow. Willo has a mijet town and the mijet goes to get rid of the baby. No one lets him get rid of the baby and he finds a magic goat and the scary queen from Snow White chases the midjet and tires to kill the goat. Maybe the mijets are cousins of the dwarfs. There are dwarfs and mijets in Lord of the Rings soi it makes no sense.

8. Too many gay mijets in Lord of the rings. Why are all the mijets gay? Frodo is gay and kisses the fat mijet on the head. I would kick the shit out of any gay mijet that tried to kiss me on the head. That's how they give you gay. No damn gay mijet is going to give me gay.

7. The bad guy in titanic is an jealous man who doesn't like Rose chainsg Dicaprio. The bad guy in Lord of the Rings is an eyeball and it is on fire. Why be afraid of an eyeball. That is like being afraid of a old woman on fire in a weel chair. Ha Ha! Stupid old woman! Come get me! I got the ring! You are on fire and just sit there! You are not scary you are on fire! that is what the ball is like it just sits there on fire and doesn't do nothing. Stpid eyeball. The iceberg is not on fire and it chases the boat and hits it and makes it sink. The eyeball is stupid it doesnt chase anybody/

6. JAmes cmaeron finished his movie in 3 hours but they took many hours to finish Lord of the Rings. Titannic was long but good. IT takes all day to watch the lord of the rings and thats too long to be watching gay mijets.

7. There is a love story in Titanic about love and teenagers who like love. Jack loves on Rose and loves her hard. The only love in Lord of the Rings is the gay mijets who cry alot and kiss each other on the head.

8. Nobody dies in Lord of the rings, everybody dies in Titannic. There are n9ie chaeracters in Lord if the Rings and they all live. The wuzard who alls down a cliff and comes back as jesus lives. Frodo the gay mijet lives. Sam who is not gay and is cool he is alos in a football movie so of course he is not gay he lives. Merrey who has a gay name he lives. And the most gay of all is Pippin who just sounds like a gay. Hi I am Pippin! Can you tell Im a gay? HA HA !! Then there is a dwarf who is like a mijet only not gay, and a blond gay vulcan who can shoot good with his bow and arrow and is love with the dwarf, and then there is Aragoren who could get liad, like, every day. His horse even likes to kiss him.

9. Titanic could happen. Lord of the Rings could not happen. They made a movie out of stuff that nobody could do. There are no giant dumbos and vulcans and trees dont talk and no wizards and none of this stuff is real. Titanic is all real. Rich people are all like Billy Zane and wear mascara and hate poor people.

10. Titanic is a movie about how we get lied to by rich people and why they suck. LOTR is about people who get a dickted to a ring that mjust be laced with crack or something. All you have to do is touch the ring and you get a dickted it is like cigarets or Pokemon. Another guy gets shot because he's a dickted to the ring and tries to steal it from Frodo the gay mijet. He gets sad and then gets shot. This is a good moment because it shows how it is not good to get a dickted. Then Aragoren shows up and he must have caught gay from the gay mijet Frodo because he kisses the shot guy on the head. There are too many anti drugg movies out there. every day at school they sday dont do drugs dont do drugs and yet every morning I have to swallow lots of drugs because they are brain vitamins.

So don't watch lord of the rings watch Titanic That's my closing statement watch Titannic. Lord of the Ring is a STUPID HA! HA!

"RAMBO" RICK
Film Critic, Alhambra High Star Gazette

#2 of 66 Matt Stone

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Posted December 05 2004 - 01:27 PM

Good idea giving it a seperate thread, Ernest. Everyone shold read this one Posted Image
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#3 of 66 Robin Warren

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Posted December 05 2004 - 02:22 PM

Ugh. That hurt to read.

#4 of 66 Greg_S_H

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Posted December 05 2004 - 03:33 PM

That is outstanding. Glad to see it getting a wider audience. Posted Image Posted Image

#5 of 66 Chris Farmer

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Posted December 05 2004 - 04:59 PM

Quote:
and then there is Aragoren who could get liad, like, every day. His horse even likes to kiss him.

Funniest thing I've read in a long time. Ernest you sadistic bastard. First to let the poor fool show his ignorance, then to publicize it, then to have me laughing my ass off when I should be studying for tomorrow gross anatomy tests. Posted Image

#6 of 66 Ricardo C

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Posted December 05 2004 - 06:12 PM

As I reread it, I found a new favorite: The numbering Posted Image
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#7 of 66 John Kilduff

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Posted December 05 2004 - 06:37 PM

Ernest, tell me this is a sick joke or something I can look up on Snopes. Is this "Rambo Rick" fellow really as dumb as a sack of hammers?

Sincerely,

John Kilduff...

Speaking of said sack, I think somebody must've slapped "Sly" stupid.
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#8 of 66 Ernest Rister

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Posted December 05 2004 - 06:47 PM

A sick joke? Nay - he is a correspondent of mine who sends me film reviews. The very idea! Rambo Rick a sick joke! Really!

#9 of 66 Glenn Overholt

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Posted December 05 2004 - 07:20 PM

John, he goes to Alhambra High! What do you expect?

What really scares me about that review is that soon Rambo Dick will be out in the real world! Yikes!

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#10 of 66 Lynda-Marie

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Posted December 05 2004 - 09:43 PM

I'm with Chris, you are a sadistic bastard Ernest! First your brilliant new version of the Oompa Loompa song, and now this! Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image

Actually, I don't know what I find funnier (scarier) about Rambo Rick - that he is as incredibly ignorant as he seems above (LotR a ripoff of Willow?) or that he is going to be able to graduate high school (apparently!) with spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. as bad as what is posted above. He is obviously someone who desperately NEEDS his spelling/grammar checker turned ON!

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#11 of 66 Zen Butler

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Posted December 06 2004 - 12:02 AM

Rambo--Rick is right, those mijets do seem to cry an awful lot and hug. I mean they walk 20 yards and they always have to stop and cry for a while. Titannik is better. Kate Wingslet is prettier than Sam.

Quote:
Jack loves on Rose and loves her hard.

Posted Image

Quote:
The eyeball is stupid it doesnt chase anybody/

Posted Image Posted Image

Best review of that 9 hour camping trip, I have ever read.

bladerunner-thumb-510x227-39115_zpse210a


#12 of 66 Ernest Rister

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Posted December 06 2004 - 12:30 AM

"As I reread it, I found a new favorite: The numbering"

Yep -- I need to email Rambo and tell him he only has nine reasons in his "10 Reasons Why Titanic is Better than Lord of the Rings"

#13 of 66 Richard Gilmore

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Posted December 06 2004 - 12:41 AM

Laugh out funny - this guy reminds me of "Bandwagon Boy" famous for switching his allegiance to the latest Sports team to make good. Same type of intentional spelling mistakes and illogic. When done right this stuff makes me laugh, but there are a lot of imitators who can't get it right.

#14 of 66 Steve Christou

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Posted December 06 2004 - 12:43 AM

Posted Image Wait a minute, are you sure it wasn't Zen that wrote that? Seems like something he would do, the writing style is so similar to his it's.. it's...uncanny! (now there's a word you don't see much 'uncanny', once more... un..canny ] I kid me lad Zen. Posted Image

Quote:
I would kick the shit out of any gay mijet that tried to kiss me on the head. That's how they give you gay. No damn gay mijet is going to give me gay.


Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image

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#15 of 66 Angelo.M

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Posted December 06 2004 - 12:51 AM

Quote:
Best review of that 9 hour camping trip, I have ever read.


Posted Image

Great stuff, Ernest and Zen!


#16 of 66 Ernest Rister

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Posted December 06 2004 - 12:58 AM

Actually, I don't know what I find funnier (scarier) about Rambo Rick - that he is as incredibly ignorant as he seems above (LotR a ripoff of Willow?) or that he is going to be able to graduate high school (apparently!) with spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. as bad as what is posted above.

I wouldn't worry too much about that -- Rambo's first review (of Titanic, naturally) was in 1998. That was six years ago, and he's just now entering the 9th grade, so...at this rate he may not graduate until sometime in the next decade. I just pity Alhambra High. Rambo probably single-handedly destroys their average GPA, average IQ quotient, average SAT score, average Federal Test scores, etc.

#17 of 66 Zen Butler

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Posted December 06 2004 - 02:32 AM

Okay, it's 3 hours later and I'm still bursting with laughter.

Ernest, thank you for the fun post.

bladerunner-thumb-510x227-39115_zpse210a


#18 of 66 Haggai

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Posted December 06 2004 - 02:38 AM

Quote:
There are no giant dumbos and vulcans and trees dont talk and no wizards and none of this stuff is real. Titanic is all real. Rich people are all like Billy Zane and wear mascara and hate poor people.


My man Rambo Rick, layin' down the social commentary! Speak truth to power, Rick! Stick it to the man! Posted Image

#19 of 66 David Forbes

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Posted December 06 2004 - 03:11 AM

Neil Cumpston's review of Return of the King is still my all time favorite, but this is pretty damn good.
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#20 of 66 Chuck Mayer

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Posted December 06 2004 - 03:21 AM

I only needed two reasons...
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