if you're gonna whack somebody .... (1 Viewer)

be sure to get rid of all clothing and accessories you used during the dastardly deed!!!

my wife *loves* watching those forensics shows. which means i (more or less) watch those forensics shows.

i can't count how many times the stupid-ass murderers get caught simply because they KEPT all their clothing/guns/axes/cameras/cellphones/whatever.

i mean, if you're gonna axe somebody, at least think about the following:

1. don't make 40 calls to your co-conspirator the same day as the murder.
2. don't use the victim's atm/credit/cell-phone/car/whatever
3. shave ALL your body hair before-hand
4. use a revolver instead of an automatic. that way the shell casings won't fly all over the place. but, of course you're going to ditch the gun anyay...right???
5. make sure you cut your nails and take a very cleansing shower right after ... don't want any dna on you do ya?
6. for heaven's sake -- don't take pictures!!! that's just stupid
7. don't take a life insurance policy out a week or two before the crime
8. don't commit the crime in your own house if you can help it. blood is awefully messy and nearly impossible to hide. yes, even if you use bleach.
9. if for some reason, you get away with it the first time....better consider yourself lucky and stop.[/list=1]

Sugartastic,

Why don't you just find a stranger on a bus or train and trade murders? That way there's nothing to connect you to the victim.

cuz the stranger you talk to will end up being more of a psycho then you and start stalkin' your ass. next thing you know, you're at some carnival dukin' it out...no thanks!

I'd take them out to a very filling meal first. Bacon cheeseburgers, ravioli, soda, cheese sticks, ice cream and cake. I would be real friendly to them. I would even smile a lot at them. They would think I was their best friend in the whole world. Then I would throw them off a cliff and laugh.

Umm, Zen, I can't do any more beer tastings...ever. Oh yeah, and that wasn't really my house you were at, it was my, um, friends house, yeah, my friends house.

Personally, I rather be the neighbor of one of these murderers. This way, when he get caught, I can be there for the TV news reporters....

"He's a quiet man...."

Ted, your #3 was a L&O episode. I saw that again too!

The other really stupid thing that they miss in some shows is the planted evidence. "Hey, can you check that and see if my fingerprints are on it?"

Yeah, the criminals are usually stupid anyway, but can you see a baggie being checked for prints and they only find a cop's prints on them?

They are still fun to watch, though.

Glenn

actually glenn, i've never seen a full episode of law & order (but i know the "Bong Bong" sound)! glad to know i'm hipper then i thought. :rolleyes

i may have to create some sort of list ... kinda like the evil overlord one. hmm...

Some amendments...
4. Use a .22 revolver. The bullet will bounce around inside the skull without making a mess on the outside. .22's are also easily disposed of and can be found quite easily which makes them very hard to trace.

8. A lot of laid out plastic can take care of that. Also helps to eliminate the need for cleaning and aids in disposal.

9. It's easier to get away with than you think.

10. Don't openly discuss the rules of "whacking" someone on the internet.

Oops!

shizzle....

[slaps self on forehead]

i always think about this scene from "american psycho"

----


INT. BATEMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The living room floor has been meticulously covered with
newspaper.

Owen is slumped drunkenly in a white Eames chair, a glass
in his hand. Bateman is looking through his CDs.

BATEMAN
You like Huey Lewis and the News?

OWEN
They're okay.
BATEMAN
Their early work was a little too New Wave for my
taste. But then Sports came out in 1983, I think they really
came into their own, commercially and artistically.

Bateman walks to his bathroom, taking a large ax out of the
shower. He takes two Valium.

BATEMAN
(Said partly from the bathroom)
The whole album has a clear, crisp sound and a new sheen of
consummate professionalism that gives the songs a big boost.
Bateman comes back out and leans the ax against the wall.
He walks to the foyer and puts on a raincoat, watching Owen
from behind ail the time.

BATEMAN
He's been compared to ELvis Costello but I think
Huey has a more bitter, cynical sense of humor.

Owen is absent-mindedly leafing through the Barneys
catalogue.

OWEN
Hey, Halberstam?

BATEMAN
Yes, Owen?

OWEN
Why are there copies of the Style section all over
the place? Do you have a dog? A chow or something?

BATEMAN
No, Owen.

OWEN
(Confused)
Is that a raincoat?

BATEMAN
Yes, it is.

Bateman moves to the CD player. He takes a CD out of its
case and slides it in the machine.

BATEMAN
In 1987 Huey released this, Fore!, their most
accomplished album. I think I heir undisputed masterpiece is
"HiP To Be Square," a song so catchy that most people probably
don't listen to the lyrics. But they should because it's not
just about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of
trends. It's al~ a personal statement about the band itself.

Bateman puts on "Hip To Be Square."

BATEMAN crosses the room and picks up the ax.

We follow BATEMAN from behind as he walks up to Owen, the
ax raised over his head.

BATEMAN
Hey, Paul?

As Owen turns around, FROM OWEN'S POV we see Bateman swing
the ax toward his face.

Blood sprays onto the white raincoat.

FROM BEHIND OWEN, we see BATEMAN as he yanks the ax out.

Garrett's rules for murder:

1. Wear gloves, you dumb sumvabitch.

2. Although you want to kill your boss/GF/brother/divoce lawyer, You shouldn't. The best murders are always to unconnected people. If you know the victim, or have even seen them before.... find someone else.

3. Only kill out of state. Killing in a foriegn country is even better. If you must kill in your own state make sure it is at least a five hour drive away.

4. Being dressed to kill requires forthought. Be sure to dress in the finest Wal*Mart brand jeans, shirt, socks, and work gloves. While you're there buy a bottle of either Old Spice or Brute aftershave and apply in mass quantities. In the even you are spotted, you want to appear as inconspicuous as possible. While not a fool-proof idea, the aftershave has a slight possibility to stall the dogs. You paid in cash right? You shopped in a different town right?

5. Buy 'killin' shoes. They must be cheap, a national brand, and at least one size incorrect. Be sure to burn the shoes (and other clothes) when you get a safe distance from the scene of the crime.

6. Guns are loud, traceable, and loud. Knives, garrote wires, and plastic bags are much better weapons. heck, if you can find a 10" chefs knife in the victims house, use it. I recommend against baseball bats because skulls have a nasty habit of not shattering easily. You can use a bat if you can swing like McGwire.

7. En route to the murder you may be seen by bystanders or a security camera. grow your hair long, grow a beard, wear glasses/sunglasses and a baseball cap. Shave and get a haircut right after you burn your clothes.

8. If you must use a gun, throw it away (dont leave live rounds in it). And then only if its someone elses gun.

8b. Dont use the gun from someone you know. Steal a gun from the other end of the country.

9. Don't drive your own car

10. If you spend any money, pay in cash. If you spend money, be sure to save up your money in very small amounts, preferably for over a year.

11. Don't stop to collect their wallet, watch, teeth, right hand, et cetera.... people that take tchotchkies are just asking to get caught.

12. If you're going to kill someone in their house you have two choices a; kill them and leave without leaving a trace, or b; kill everything in the house that is biologically alive and then set the building on fire. (remember to stand near a safe exit when you start the fire!)

13. Don't leave a note, calling card, or occult clue for the spunky, alcoholic detecive who's lost his way to find. Real life detectives aren't as cool as Hollywood detecives portrayed by Morgan Freeman, and thus do not deserve to be on the trail of a true homicidal genius like yourself

14. Don't write a book/song/screenplay about the murder.


nah, poison the dessert course. Be sure to tell them about their impending doom just as the poison kicks in and their vision turns blurry and they knock-over the wine glass. Bonus point for petting you cat while it happens. And make it a great evil maniacal laugh. Practice in front of a mirror for a few weeks to get the proper intonation and chest movement.


Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Someone has been watching those CSI promos they've been showing on Spike lately.

very good thinking there.

garrett - you may be gettin' a pm from me someday. i need more people like you on my crew.

This is why I only kill at random.

"...a very wise man once told me, 'When you go to do a crime there are a thousand ways you can f*** up. If you're a genius you might spot five hundred of them. And you ain't no genius.' You know who that guy was? You."

--- Mickey Roarke as the arsonist to lawyer William Hurt in Body Heat



Regards,

Joe

Hey, they're funny.

Garrett, this is simply a variation of the underground ghetto technique of taking someone to lunch. You fatten 'em up, gain their trust, then sucker punch 'em.

It's quite effective, especially if you know they are a better fighter than you.

theted, your thread is doomed bro. We are all going to get in trouble.

The interesting thing is that most people who are smart enough to plan the perfect murder/robbery/[insert crime here] are also smart enough to never attempt it.

Most of the time...

I'll refrain from commenting further.

-Mike

Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!