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Need some serious advice here (yet another dating thread).


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143 replies to this topic

#1 of 144 OFFLINE   Brian Harnish

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Posted June 19 2004 - 08:45 PM

Bah. Just a small rant and maybe a request for help. I'm rather down and out in the dating department at the moment. All my life I've attempted (meaning I've asked out) after getting good signals from the ladies and I've failed every time (with a couple successes but I've never gone beyond the first date phase). I've varied my approaches and even worked on my confidence by losing weight (got down to 194 from 290 lbs.).

Even THAT didn't work (which was really depressing after all the work I put into doing that). The ladies didn't even bat an eye. I just don't understand -- I thought you had to be thin to get girls. Apparently not.

Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? I see just about every guy I know with a girlfriend and it pretty much makes me wonder why I'm always rejected. I'm generally outgoing and positive 98% of the time (the other 2% happens rarely). I even see the very fat on dates with pretty women.

Could it be because I'm hearing impaired? Most people don't even seem to notice that I'm hearing impaired because I speak so well. Or maybe it's a glaring handicap. I don't know. I'm confident, cocky+funny, smart, and generally fun. That's apparently the whole deal when it comes to meeting women according to some people. But, *sigh*, none of that seems to work for me like it does for everyone else.

Now I'm a little depressed and I've ballooned back up to 220 lbs. What the heck does it take to get a girlfriend?!?!

#2 of 144 OFFLINE   Jeff Ulmer

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Posted June 20 2004 - 03:44 AM

Quote:
What the heck does it take to get a girlfriend?!?!

Quit looking for one. The day you decide you really don't need a girlfriend to make you happy is the day you'll start to find one. Not having a girlfriend isn't the end of the world. Try to regain your positive outlook and take care of yourself. You might also try to evaluate the type of woman that you have been going after to see if that is really what you need. You might also ask yourself why having a girlfriend is so important to you. Having a girlfriend is one thing, having a companion that will enhance your happiness (not make you happy) is another.

#3 of 144 OFFLINE   Brian Harnish

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Posted June 20 2004 - 05:26 AM

You know what? You may be right. That's the one thing I *haven't* been doing: focusing on improving myself and my life.

#4 of 144 OFFLINE   Bob Graz

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Posted June 20 2004 - 05:34 AM

You shouldn't be disappointed in dropping nearly 100 lbs, that's quite an accomplishment. I sense though that you are working harder on trying to please others rather than yourself. Attitude means a lot when it comes to dating or successful social skills in general.
Doing things that make you feel good and developing a more positive attitude about yourself will go a long way in how others think/feel about you. Count me among the happy to be married because dating isn't easy for most, even though you seem to perceive that it is. I have successful single/divorced friends that really struggle trying to find a relationship that clicks.
Also, just the dating threads among our fellow HTF'ers would tell you that it can be very frustrating.

#5 of 144 OFFLINE   Eric_L

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Posted June 20 2004 - 05:46 AM

It sounds like you may have 'man-itis'.

Man-itis is wat a man gets when he is trying to convince a woman how wonderful he is. He ends up speaking all about himself without letting the woman speak of herself. (or anything else!)

There are two steps to a cure;
1) Start freely complimenting people. Everyone - man, woman and child. Get in the habit of looking for things to compliment people on and then following through with a compliment. Make sure they are all valid and earnest. It takes practice to get good at this. Compliments get you far with the opposite sex.

2) Start playing the question game in more conversations. The question game is where instead of talking about yourself, you ask questions about the other person and their interests. See how far you can get before you have to say something about yourself. It takes time and practice to get good. It is rewarding because 'self' is most peoples favorite topic.

Attraction is at first a physical thing, but, particularly for women, it becomes very emotional / mental soon after the first impression (thankfully for us men)

Once there wasw a woman who had two suitors, a handsom rich man and a not-as-handsom ordinary man. When she married the ordinary man her best friend asked her why. She replied "When I was with the rich one I felt like I was with the most wonderful person in the world - but when I was with the other I felt as if I was the most wonderful person in the world".

Also, make sure you are asking out the right women. If you ask out a woman solely or her looks, don't be surprised if she turns you down solely for YOUR looks. Spend some time getting to know her and flirting for a while first.

Last, but not least, have onfidence enough not to come on too strong. You must make it clear that you are confortable being on your own and not 'needy' fr someone to like you.

(edit: You may want to check your hearing aid also, consult with some friends and make sure you're not missing anthing. Some folks may percieve you as arrogant for ignoring them when you simply aren't hearing them - especially if the handicap is not obvious)

#6 of 144 OFFLINE   Jason_Els

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Posted June 20 2004 - 06:16 AM

Quote:
Quit looking for one. The day you decide you really don't need a girlfriend to make you happy is the day you'll start to find one.

That old chestnut is bullshit. I gave up looking long ago and you know what? The girls don't give a damn that I'm not out there. I don't get looks, flirtations, or encouragement PERIOD. You have to work at it and even then there are no guarantees. Coming to the realization that women do not find me remotely attractive was hard to accept but once I did, it gave me tremendous freedom in dealing with women. I now have women friends (all married) and can hang out with them and it's ok. I don't have the pressure, my life is much easier, I have more time to myself and for friends, and it allows me to act more naturally in social settings.

I've now been "not trying" for 17 years now and while it's really hard sometimes as I'd really like to have a family someday, it's better than living with the utter sense of failure I had in trying to get a girlfriend.

If you want a woman you have to work at it and pray you have enough of what they want to begin with.
For beauty is only a step removed from a burning terror we barely sustain, and we worship it for the graceful sublimity with which it disdains to consume us. - Rainer Maria Rilke

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#7 of 144 OFFLINE   Jeff Ulmer

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Posted June 20 2004 - 06:29 AM

Quote:
That old chestnut is bullshit.

No it's not. If you come off as some desperate guy who simply must find a woman to complete himself, don't be surprised when they flee. If you are comfortable with yourself, you stand a far better chance of finding the right person for you. Trying to employ tricks to entice a woman isn't going to get you very far.

Any woman that needs to be worked at to become interested isn't usually worth the effort. There are plenty of wonderful single women out there, although they may not be as perfect as you might be hoping for, but then again, neither are we.

#8 of 144 OFFLINE   Jason_Els

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Posted June 20 2004 - 06:33 AM

I take it you didn't read beyond that one line? Sorry Jeff, but my example proves it's simply not true.
For beauty is only a step removed from a burning terror we barely sustain, and we worship it for the graceful sublimity with which it disdains to consume us. - Rainer Maria Rilke

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#9 of 144 OFFLINE   RobertR

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Posted June 20 2004 - 07:31 AM

Quote:
Could it be because I'm hearing impaired? Most people don't even seem to notice that I'm hearing impaired because I speak so well. Or maybe it's a glaring handicap.
I know the feeling, Brian. Glaring or not, just be yourself and be the best person you can be, not for others, but for yourself. If some women are put off by your hearing impairment, that's their problem, not yours. Focus on the ones who look past it. When I told my wife prior to meeting her that I have a limp and impaired function in my left hand due to cerebral palsy, she said "I don't need your hand or your leg, I need your heart".

I also disagree with the advice to not try. Don't act desperate, but also pursue ways of meeting single women. Best wishes to you!

#10 of 144 OFFLINE   Brian Harnish

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Posted June 19 2004 - 08:45 PM

Bah. Just a small rant and maybe a request for help. I'm rather down and out in the dating department at the moment. All my life I've attempted (meaning I've asked out) after getting good signals from the ladies and I've failed every time (with a couple successes but I've never gone beyond the first date phase). I've varied my approaches and even worked on my confidence by losing weight (got down to 194 from 290 lbs.).

Even THAT didn't work (which was really depressing after all the work I put into doing that). The ladies didn't even bat an eye. I just don't understand -- I thought you had to be thin to get girls. Apparently not.

Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? I see just about every guy I know with a girlfriend and it pretty much makes me wonder why I'm always rejected. I'm generally outgoing and positive 98% of the time (the other 2% happens rarely). I even see the very fat on dates with pretty women.

Could it be because I'm hearing impaired? Most people don't even seem to notice that I'm hearing impaired because I speak so well. Or maybe it's a glaring handicap. I don't know. I'm confident, cocky+funny, smart, and generally fun. That's apparently the whole deal when it comes to meeting women according to some people. But, *sigh*, none of that seems to work for me like it does for everyone else.

Now I'm a little depressed and I've ballooned back up to 220 lbs. What the heck does it take to get a girlfriend?!?!

#11 of 144 OFFLINE   Jeff Ulmer

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Posted June 20 2004 - 03:44 AM

Quote:
What the heck does it take to get a girlfriend?!?!

Quit looking for one. The day you decide you really don't need a girlfriend to make you happy is the day you'll start to find one. Not having a girlfriend isn't the end of the world. Try to regain your positive outlook and take care of yourself. You might also try to evaluate the type of woman that you have been going after to see if that is really what you need. You might also ask yourself why having a girlfriend is so important to you. Having a girlfriend is one thing, having a companion that will enhance your happiness (not make you happy) is another.

#12 of 144 OFFLINE   Brian Harnish

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Posted June 20 2004 - 05:26 AM

You know what? You may be right. That's the one thing I *haven't* been doing: focusing on improving myself and my life.

#13 of 144 OFFLINE   Bob Graz

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Posted June 20 2004 - 05:34 AM

You shouldn't be disappointed in dropping nearly 100 lbs, that's quite an accomplishment. I sense though that you are working harder on trying to please others rather than yourself. Attitude means a lot when it comes to dating or successful social skills in general.
Doing things that make you feel good and developing a more positive attitude about yourself will go a long way in how others think/feel about you. Count me among the happy to be married because dating isn't easy for most, even though you seem to perceive that it is. I have successful single/divorced friends that really struggle trying to find a relationship that clicks.
Also, just the dating threads among our fellow HTF'ers would tell you that it can be very frustrating.

#14 of 144 OFFLINE   Eric_L

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Posted June 20 2004 - 05:46 AM

It sounds like you may have 'man-itis'.

Man-itis is wat a man gets when he is trying to convince a woman how wonderful he is. He ends up speaking all about himself without letting the woman speak of herself. (or anything else!)

There are two steps to a cure;
1) Start freely complimenting people. Everyone - man, woman and child. Get in the habit of looking for things to compliment people on and then following through with a compliment. Make sure they are all valid and earnest. It takes practice to get good at this. Compliments get you far with the opposite sex.

2) Start playing the question game in more conversations. The question game is where instead of talking about yourself, you ask questions about the other person and their interests. See how far you can get before you have to say something about yourself. It takes time and practice to get good. It is rewarding because 'self' is most peoples favorite topic.

Attraction is at first a physical thing, but, particularly for women, it becomes very emotional / mental soon after the first impression (thankfully for us men)

Once there wasw a woman who had two suitors, a handsom rich man and a not-as-handsom ordinary man. When she married the ordinary man her best friend asked her why. She replied "When I was with the rich one I felt like I was with the most wonderful person in the world - but when I was with the other I felt as if I was the most wonderful person in the world".

Also, make sure you are asking out the right women. If you ask out a woman solely or her looks, don't be surprised if she turns you down solely for YOUR looks. Spend some time getting to know her and flirting for a while first.

Last, but not least, have onfidence enough not to come on too strong. You must make it clear that you are confortable being on your own and not 'needy' fr someone to like you.

(edit: You may want to check your hearing aid also, consult with some friends and make sure you're not missing anthing. Some folks may percieve you as arrogant for ignoring them when you simply aren't hearing them - especially if the handicap is not obvious)

#15 of 144 OFFLINE   Jason_Els

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Posted June 20 2004 - 06:16 AM

Quote:
Quit looking for one. The day you decide you really don't need a girlfriend to make you happy is the day you'll start to find one.

That old chestnut is bullshit. I gave up looking long ago and you know what? The girls don't give a damn that I'm not out there. I don't get looks, flirtations, or encouragement PERIOD. You have to work at it and even then there are no guarantees. Coming to the realization that women do not find me remotely attractive was hard to accept but once I did, it gave me tremendous freedom in dealing with women. I now have women friends (all married) and can hang out with them and it's ok. I don't have the pressure, my life is much easier, I have more time to myself and for friends, and it allows me to act more naturally in social settings.

I've now been "not trying" for 17 years now and while it's really hard sometimes as I'd really like to have a family someday, it's better than living with the utter sense of failure I had in trying to get a girlfriend.

If you want a woman you have to work at it and pray you have enough of what they want to begin with.
For beauty is only a step removed from a burning terror we barely sustain, and we worship it for the graceful sublimity with which it disdains to consume us. - Rainer Maria Rilke

My DVD Collection

#16 of 144 OFFLINE   Jeff Ulmer

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Posted June 20 2004 - 06:29 AM

Quote:
That old chestnut is bullshit.

No it's not. If you come off as some desperate guy who simply must find a woman to complete himself, don't be surprised when they flee. If you are comfortable with yourself, you stand a far better chance of finding the right person for you. Trying to employ tricks to entice a woman isn't going to get you very far.

Any woman that needs to be worked at to become interested isn't usually worth the effort. There are plenty of wonderful single women out there, although they may not be as perfect as you might be hoping for, but then again, neither are we.

#17 of 144 OFFLINE   Jason_Els

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Posted June 20 2004 - 06:33 AM

I take it you didn't read beyond that one line? Sorry Jeff, but my example proves it's simply not true.
For beauty is only a step removed from a burning terror we barely sustain, and we worship it for the graceful sublimity with which it disdains to consume us. - Rainer Maria Rilke

My DVD Collection

#18 of 144 OFFLINE   RobertR

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Posted June 20 2004 - 07:31 AM

Quote:
Could it be because I'm hearing impaired? Most people don't even seem to notice that I'm hearing impaired because I speak so well. Or maybe it's a glaring handicap.
I know the feeling, Brian. Glaring or not, just be yourself and be the best person you can be, not for others, but for yourself. If some women are put off by your hearing impairment, that's their problem, not yours. Focus on the ones who look past it. When I told my wife prior to meeting her that I have a limp and impaired function in my left hand due to cerebral palsy, she said "I don't need your hand or your leg, I need your heart".

I also disagree with the advice to not try. Don't act desperate, but also pursue ways of meeting single women. Best wishes to you!

#19 of 144 OFFLINE   Eric_L

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Posted June 21 2004 - 09:37 AM

Another thought,

You should consider traveling. Date women in other countries and cultures. You may be surprized how different they can be from what you are accustomed to.

#20 of 144 OFFLINE   JasonDNJ

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Posted June 21 2004 - 10:07 AM

Have you tried an online dating service? As cheesy as it may sound I know for a fact that it works. Luckily in my case my wife grew up not too far from me. Give it a shot. Just be careful. I lucked out but just like in real life, people can be deceiving.
"In my mind's eye,...one little boy one little man,... funny how...time flies."


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