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Match.com (or similar) experiences


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41 replies to this topic

#1 of 42 Cameron Yee

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Posted December 14 2003 - 06:06 AM

I've been trying out match.com off and on for the past couple years now but have yet to have any great results or results at all! I know I'm not a "loser," nor am I presenting myself that way in my info. My friends and family tell me as much and it puzzles them too. I admit it can be a tempting source of discouragement, so much so that at times I wonder if my ethnicity is a factor, even though I contact women who don't have a preference in that regard. I can see exchanging a few emails and not seeing anything develop but the majority of the time I don't get any replies to my messages.

On the other hand my friend who is 50 and divorced has had a great experience with it. He's been on several dates and is now seeing someone who is very nice. This has lead me to believe that online services like match.com are better suited for the older age bracket because those people are not looking to start a family or find the "one" - just companionship, which means they tend to have more of an open mind.

Usually I wind up just suspending my subscription and giving up on it, but go back because the only thing it does do is make me feel I'm being proactive.

So I guess I'm just looking for some kind of corroboration on my less than spectacular experience with online dating.
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#2 of 42 Jason Seaver

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Posted December 14 2003 - 07:12 AM

My experiences with online dating haven't been great, either, but I'm inclined to look at that as sort of my fault - I hate dating, period (it's always felt like an endless string of job interviews where you spend more money on dinner than your usual grocery bill for the week), and there's a glut of folks like me (average-looking males in their 20s - well, now, 30s) to choose from. On the other hand, an attractive female co-worker my age had great success. A guy in his early 50s may also be a sufficiently rare find online that he can pick and choose the best possibilities.
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#3 of 42 Cameron Yee

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Posted December 14 2003 - 12:26 PM

I used to have an "I hate dating" sort of view too, but now I just see it for what it is and try not to really care or have high expectations. My interest is mainly in meeting more women, not finding the "one" (if there is such a thing). So I don't hate dating so much as have an uneasy relationship with it. I think it's akin to the Nielsen ratings - it's a flawed system but then pretty much the only game in town.
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#4 of 42 Kyle McKnight

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Posted December 14 2003 - 03:36 PM

I've never gone for meeting people online, though I'm not against it. I'm just not looking for a relationship. A few of my friends have met some of their longer relationship companions on regular instant messaging services. Mid twenties.
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#5 of 42 Bill Williams

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Posted December 15 2003 - 01:12 AM

I've had some interesting experiences over the past 6 1/2 years with online dating. (I'm 37, by the way.) I'd gone through several online dating services, and in most cases it wound up the same: "You're a nice guy, but..." Once that dangling "but..." occurred, that's been the typical death knoll of the potential relationship.

However, I went onto this one service a year and a half ago, SingleC, and in the 10-day trial service I began to correspond with this one young lady from Alabama. We just hit it off from the start, and both of us eventually pulled our profiles from the site and focused on an exclusive relationship, and it's grown and deepened over the months. We're set to marry in February! Posted Image

So you never know what might happen. Hang in there! Posted Image
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#6 of 42 Scott Strang

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Posted December 15 2003 - 01:58 AM

Bottom line is the nicer (or more of a gentleman) you are the less women seem to like it. Not all women mind you, but a large portion of them. Why? Dunno.

I never really liked dating either although frankly I was never "bad" at it. Dating may give one their freedom to do as he/she pleases, but "freedom" is really over rated.

#7 of 42 Andy Sheets

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Posted December 15 2003 - 02:07 AM

Quote:
I can see exchanging a few emails and not seeing anything develop but the majority of the time I don't get any replies to my messages.

How many messages do you send out? I'm curious because I decided to give it a shot about a month and half ago and I find that for every 5 or 6 people I e-mail, I usually get a couple of responses (I don't use a photo, btw). Maybe I've just been lucky so far but it seems like you have to cast a wide net to get people to acknowledge you (not all that different from "real life", admittedly).

I also think there's definitely something to the idea of older people having a bit more success with services like that. One of my mom's friends, who's in her mid-40's, found a new husband almost right away. Older people are generally beyond being overly picky, I suspect. But for younger people, they seem to be far more rigid in their criteria and therefore quicker to dismiss you if you're not *exactly* what they're interested in. Like my mom sometimes says, "All people under the age of 30 are morons [when it comes to dating]" Posted Image

#8 of 42 AjayM

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Posted December 15 2003 - 02:16 AM

Meeting people online isn't much different than anywhere else, in simple numbers you are going to meet more people you have little/no attraction to than those that you are attracted to. The benefit is that it's a little easier to hit larger numbers online than in person.

A few things to remember as a guy, women get jaded pretty quickly with online personals, as they will get tons of "form letters" from guys, indecent proposals, etc. So you have one email to differentiate yourself from the masses and spark an interest to get a reply, otherwise it's all for naught.

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#9 of 42 Cameron Yee

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Posted December 15 2003 - 03:33 AM

How many messages do you send out?


I'd say I've been casting a wide net as well and I do post my photo. I suppose I have to backtrack and say that I've had SOME responses, but none of them have lead to a face-to-face. I wish I could you give you a ratio of sent to responded, but I figured out quickly if I did that I'd just get bummed out.

as they will get tons of "form letters" from guys

They're not the only one. When I first signed on I got like three or four responses that ultimately led to "why don't you check out more photos of me on my web site." It got so bad that I finally had to put a statement in my profile that said if they're an "entrepreneuer" then move on. It seems like the service has gotten better about cracking down on those things as I haven't gotten any since I returned.

I have been curious what it is like for women to be on the service. I imagine in some cases as frustrating but for different reasons.

Bottom line is the nicer (or more of a gentleman) you are the less women seem to like it. Not all women mind you, but a large portion of them. Why? Dunno.


I haven't had enough experiences to make me believe this entirely (I'm still rooting for the nice guys out there!), though I don't discount the existence of attraction to jerks nor the confusion of kindness with weakness. If that's the case then frankly I'm not interested either.

Match has been adding some interesting personality and physical attraction tests which are at the very least interesting if you're not opposed to that type of thing.

All people under the age of 30 are morons [when it comes to dating]"

I'm beginning to believe her. Fortunately I'm 30 Posted Image
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#10 of 42 Bill Williams

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Posted December 15 2003 - 04:42 AM

Another bad sign that I'd notice over the years is the unusually large amount of responses from women in the Philippines. And every single one of them would write variants on the same line: "Hello, I am from Philippines and looking for nice man. I like your profile and you are a very nice man and want to for to get to know you more." Who has this ever fooled? I remember seeing a couple of years back that the reason for this is that the women in the Philippines are deliberately doing this to get out of their country to the U.S.
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#11 of 42 Mary M S

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Posted December 15 2003 - 06:39 AM

Cameron, don’t loose hope. I would assume as has been pointed out the collective experience with on-line or print services will match the real world (a whole lot of Cul de Sac’s for various reasons) Using all resources available should still increase your odds of meeting a compatible individual.

I can think of one reason a woman of average intelligence would be ‘put off’ by using an on-line service.
Females (just as males) hate to be embarrassed. It is nerve-wracking to admit to family or business associates you ‘ran into’ the guy your currently dating at a ‘service’. Secondly a woman has in the back of her mind the stories of naive young girls who are stalked by predators via the web.

A woman has to fight off more comments and raised eyebrows when using this method. “Aren’t you scared, I could never….”

It adds a whole different set of parameters for women to enter this field. And the cagey ones danger antenna would be running full bore for the slightest wrong note in print or at first voice contact.

A good resource for help when using an on-line service would be to have women you know, whom knows you, proof your profile and if very close and trusted edit your first e-m contacts. A passing sentence that might not mean anything to a male could set off all kinds of warning bells in a wary female. You appear very well-spoken. Still (with the best intentions) men can easily verbally misstep in the quicksand of women’s thoughts.

Years ago, I had an older friend who was my unofficial (Pilots wife course) flying instructor, (a professional he knew what NOT to do when flying and the horrifying consequences thereof) who during this time went through a very messy divorce. He had never lived alone throughout his entire life (he was 50 at the time) and was not coping well. Even the most thick skulled, callous, and unaware of men who frequented the drop zone became concerned over his deep depression. (He was very well respected) As a joke one night very late around our mini version of an A&M bonfire, they egged me on to write an ad for him to place in a local column. Long story short, I did, - an the response was incredible, (17 calls in the first week) and he was remarried in a year. Unfortunately I lost my friendship over the deal, as the new ‘find’ had her own past messy marriage with a great deal of leftover insecurities she could not rid herself of. Her extreme jealously of any much younger female in his proximity caused me to ‘bow out’ as friend and student, to help increase his odds of consummating the relationship. (I could only BE a friend and what he needed was a lover-companion for the sake of his sanity.

I wish I had copy of that ad, It wowed every one who read it. I had men standing in line for me to write ‘their ads’ after they saw it. I had to gently explain to 12 men that what made this endeavor so successful would be an essential element lacking in further work turning romance ads into a side career for me. I loved and admired my friend, I wrote the copy sincerely highlighting all that I found wonderful in him. I added the twists that I knew would intrigue women. I played Cyrano de Bergerac to his Christian. “Blended, we make a hero of romance!”

Just one more tool in your arsenal to add, - find a female who loves you, have her play editor in this cause. Might better your odds a tad to have someone who can help you to ‘speak the language’ (and it is Greek) of the other sex, till guards are down and you no longer need the services of a translator. Posted Image Not that any male cannot do this on his own, but with the slim pickings avaliable in on-line of serious compatibles, it might help get you past an early overly sensitised 'slam the door quick' moment, into more relaxed territory you can naviagte with ease.

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#12 of 42 Cameron Yee

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Posted December 15 2003 - 07:08 AM

Thanks Mary. At one time I would have been embarrassed about being on a service but my feelings have changed quite dramatically over the last couple of years. I don't announce it to everyone I know (I suppose posting it on forum is pretty darned close), but if someone I know sees me on there then I feel no shame over it. Like I said, it's important for me to feel somewhat proactive about the whole thing because I spent alot of my life making various excuses out of fear and insecurity. If anything I can say I tried and took chances. I'm learning that a great majority of people out there never do.

In one of the episodes of Miss Match one of the clients was starting to back out of a set-up and said "I prefer to meet people on my own, letting things happen naturally." The response was, "So is that happening?" That was my party line for a long time until I figured out on my own it wasn't happening and I was basically afraid. And maybe it's not happening with what I'm trying now, but the operative word is "trying."

As an alternative to match, folks might want to look into friendster. It's not as focused on finding romantic hook-ups and is more of a community of friends introducing other friends.
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#13 of 42 Danny Tse

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Posted December 15 2003 - 07:17 AM

I finally signed up to Yahoo's Personals after several months of "lurking" around the site. After sending about 10 - 15 e-mails, I got a response. It's been about a month or so and I have chatted with her on the phone a couple of times. I will soon make the move and ask to meet her. Fingers crossed.

On the other hand, I bet none of you did what I did (read: shameless self-pimping) over the weekend....
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#14 of 42 Cameron Yee

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Posted December 15 2003 - 07:25 AM

That's pretty cool Danny!
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#15 of 42 Mary M S

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Posted December 15 2003 - 07:26 AM

No reason to be embarrassed (for women or men) was not ‘networking’ a power word; years ago. Whatever it takes to get the job done and with whatever resources can be humanly thought of.
Just wait …we will have ‘DNA matching service centers’ in the future for the ultimate in compatibility!
..” letting things happen naturally.” Naturally! There’s nothing natural about meeting potential dates, its generallynaturally awkward in the real world whether in-the-body or on-line.


nothing ventured.. ...you are well spoken and wise. Posted Image

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#16 of 42 Jason Harbaugh

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Posted December 15 2003 - 11:20 AM

I've been using online dating for about 4 years now, I'm 24 now. I've had mixed results, just like at a bar.

First date I ever went on from online, was a blind date (no picture) and we only sent each other one email before meeting. Well, during the course of the awkward date I found out that she was date raped, and had a 6 month old son. She was 18 btw. I was 20.

Over time, I met quite a few people, either just for fun, nothing romantic, or some that I knew would never turn to romance. I did end up meeting one girl that lived in Albany, I was in Denver. She was moving out this way, so all we got to do was chat by email. We did this for about a month, then got on IM, and video IM, and finally I went out to NYC to meet her for a weekend. Most surreal experience ever I might add. A couple months later she finally moved out here, and moved in with me. Kinda rocky at first, but we did last 2 years before seperating.

So I got back into the online dating, and it has gotten much worse, than before. I could send out tons of emails, all hand written, not form letters, and not get a single reply. Hell my views on my profile don't even go up. I have been on a few dates, and finally, one just last week that looks to be promising, but I really think online dating has gone down the shitter.

As an experiment I set up a female profile, with a decent picture (wholesome, not slutty :b ) and copied the text of someone else's profile. In a weeks times, I had over 5,000 views, 150 emails, and 300 winks, on match. The emails ranged from the typical form letter emails (you can spot those immediately), to the "I have never done this, but paid for the service just to email you" and then the flat out creepy "let's get to know each other by smell, I'll send you my underwear you send me your panties". Posted Image

Compared to my own profile, and I'm not a bad looking guy and have a pretty good, detailed profile, I have received 60 views, no emails, 1 wink, and that was over 5 months.

So needless to say, I think online dating, especially match is very one sided.

Some tips, or rules I go by now.

1) No picture, no email. Gotta have a picture, as I have a picture and let's face it, you do want to know what the person looks like. I've almost come to requiring two pictures now as I've met some people that look nothing like their picture. Or some that even have two pictures and both look completely opposite. But now, most have pictures anyway, but I don't even bother with the pictureless searches.

2) It is pretty easy to pick out the profils that are trying to 'sell you into their personal site'. If I do find one, I report them.

3) No form letters. Even if it takes a lot of time, write out a personal email. You get better results, and form letters are so easy to spot. I do have some sections that I may cut and paste about myself, but I try to make the email as personal as possible, commenting on something from their profile.

4) No psychologist majors. This is just a personal rule, as I had a really bad experience with someone that was in psychology...and I'm guessing only so she could try to fix herself. So if I see that listed in their 'school history' I keep looking. Posted Image

5) Do not fall for the 'I've been stalked, so now I only use this call forwarding service, it is $1.85 a minute, but I feel safe' emails. It is a scam, and I just got another one two weeks ago. She almost had me fooled as we emailed a bunch of times back and forth before she stated the phone number, but I always knew something was up because every one of her emails seemed to be prewritten, as they didn't even answer a single question I had asked.

6) Pick a cheap, easy date first. Nothing is worse than spending $100 on someone that from first site, or within the first 10 minutes you know it won't work. Been there done that, too many times. Now it is just dessert at the cheesecake factory or something like that. $15, casual setting, and good cake. Posted Image

7) I have found that it is best to email a couple times at least before meeting. Or even get on the phone once, see if you can at least hold a conversation. Joke around about awkward silences, because there will be some, and it always helps to have a simple history of laughing about them before they happen to break them up when they come. That little bit there has saved so many dates for me.

8) Stay away from the ones that go "I have never done this, this is so cool, I have gotten so many emails" as they are loving the attention and will probably try out every guy that emails them, just to go on the date and get a free meal.

9) If you are 30, and the girl is young and states an age limit of say 22, don't email her.

10) Be specific in your profile. Don't say "I like to have fun", instead, give specific activities you like to do. Stuff like that. Just look at how many profiles are out there that say "I enjoy long walks on the beach, cuddling on the couch, a good meal, and enjoying life."
Of course there are exceptions to all of the rules, but this is mostly what I have found out over time.

Online dating can work though and I still believe in it, but have lowered my expectations.

My mom actually met a guy online, and they went dancing the next day. She married him. So it can happen.

Funny side note, I tried Eharmony.com since they get super specific in their matches. I spent 2 hours doing their complete survey and opened up my searching to the entire US. I got ZERO matches. LOL

#17 of 42 Michael D. Bunting

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Posted December 15 2003 - 11:47 AM

Jason listed quite a few good rules to follow.

I'm also trying out match.com (for the past 3 months I guess)...and been on a few dates with different females and right now I'm chatting with a few other females who have peaked my interest as well.

The latest date I had went very well and I have actually seen her once more already...with plans to meet for a third date later this week. We chatted on the phone 7-10 times and via email and IM before I finally decided to ask her out a few weeks ago.

I'm recently divorced and I pretty much want to see what types of people are out there these days...so I'm trying very hard not to seem that "interested" when I meet people nowadays. I know what I want and need in a companion now (I didn't know when I married the first time), and if the females I meet aren't up to my standards I simply don't call or email back asking for a 2nd date.

I think that I read another post here on the HTF (or maybe elsewhere) dealing with match.com experiences and this was the advice I remember from it... act disinterested.

I think if you show too much interest, especially too quickly, it appears to them that you are very desperate and will settle for just about anyone or anybody...and they don't want that.

I think that I read another post here on the HTF (or maybe elsewhere) dealing with match.com experiences and this was the one piece of advice I remember from it... act disinterested.

And that's what I have done and it seems to be working rather well.

I will agree about NOT sending out "form" emails to females that you are interested in.

The amount of "winks" and emails these girls get on adaily basis is incredible. I thought I was the big stud when my profile hit 600 views a couple weeks ago. Well, on my last date with the girl I'm currentluy seeing, we were discussing match.com experiences and she told me that her profile had well over 12,000 views in the first 3 months she was using the service, and she wouldn't even tell me how many emails she gets on a weekly basis.

So, be as unique and honest as you can when first contacting them. Find something in their profile that peaked your interest in the first place and mention that....

Good luck!~

#18 of 42 Cameron Yee

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Posted December 15 2003 - 11:52 AM

Thanks Jason, your information and historical perspective are a big help. I too have considered creating a female profile out of curiosity.

Of your suggestions I have been doing them all except the one about psych majors Posted Image My first date policy and interest has always been something casual like coffee, at least with somebody I don't truly know.

The eHarmony story is funny.

Have you looked at friendster? I know I mentioned it before but I've been spending a little more time on it and like it for its more casual/community approach. I think it's kind of the hip thing right now too because I saw a blurb on it in my Entertainment Weekly.

One of my other options is joining my family on a trip to Hong Kong and China and getting introduced to women there. I know there are certain types of guys who would salivate over such a prospect. Though I am open to the idea I have less than zero expectation of anything happening in that approach given cultural differences and communication barriers. Although this did work for my dad, I can definitely say I'm looking for something different.
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#19 of 42 Josh Lowe

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Posted December 15 2003 - 01:30 PM

Match has been a mixed bag for me. I get a lot of responses, but my dates have been nothing special. I've been on around 10 and none of them were that memorable. It's gotten to the point where I'm not really responding to peoples' emails anymore as I'm 'bleh' about the whole thing. I had better luck just going out and socializing at bars and clubs. That being said, I recently met a girl off of another site like match and she's absolutely awesome. I have really high hopes for it.. just stick with it is the best advice I can give. Keep updating your profile and change your photos regularly. Good photos help a lot, as well as a written profile that makes the reader think. Don't be like everyone else and be predictable..

#20 of 42 Jason_Els

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Posted December 15 2003 - 03:23 PM

I tried eharmony.com because of its whole profile system and like Jason there was NO ONE in my area-- at first. Eventually 3 turned-up. Both were single moms with kids even though I specified in my match profile that I didn't want that. I got one match that did fit and it took FOREVER to get her picture. I didn't pursue it after our first meeting as she was a screwy bitch looking for some gold to dig and we really didn't have anything in common despite all the assurances by eharmony's (supposed) in-depth process that we did.

What I've found is I frequently fall into the dreaded "friend" catagory. Women say they want something then end-up going out with the jerks. I've since been reading the hall of fame articles from The Don Juan Center and I have to say, most of them are right on the money. Take a look at it. It can change your dating life.
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