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Friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship-The Rules


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#1 of 59 OFFLINE   Steve_Tk

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Posted December 07 2003 - 07:07 PM

What are the rules in being in a relationship and making new friends of the opposite sex? For me, if I do anything socially my girlfriend is there. Only time she doesn't go is when I go hang out with just 'the guys' and we just sit around, watch sports and drink too much. My girlfriend and I go out a lot with groups, some singles, some couples, and meet a lot of new people every weekend. So here is the scenario, what do you think about this? My ex was in dental school and I worked full time, did not live together. Friday and Saturday nights were when we hung out, either home or went out. During the summer months she decided just to be a waitress to try and save some extra money for school. She only worked on friday and saturday nights and got off around 2-230 AM. Usually she went straight home and went to sleep for the first month. We just planned on not seeing each other as much on those nights because she was always dead tired from school, her co-op, and long work shifts on the weekends. Then after about a month of summer after work one night she goes out with other employees to get a quick dinner at steak and shake (or some place like that). No big deal. But then the next weekend just her and a single guy after work did the same thing. Then the next night, saturday, they did the same thing. I just shrugged it off not wanting to be a jealous psycho. Then this continues, every friday and saturday night these two would go get a quick dinner after work, alone, for about 2 months. At this point I was really annoyed because I was not friends with him, had not been introduced, and knew she would never invite him to hang out with our other mutual friends when we all went out. So did I have the right to be annoyed? Did she have the right to say "he's just a friend"? So what are these hidden rules of making new friends of the opposite sex when in a very steady relationship? New relationships start a lot of time after being friends for a while. When are you allowed to be jealous? I'll tell what eventually happened after some responses.

#2 of 59 OFFLINE   Kevin T

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Posted December 07 2003 - 08:41 PM

[quote] When are you allowed to be jealous? [quote]
you are allowed to be jealous at any time. jealousy is just another emotion like being happy. 9 times out of 10, if you are feeling jealous, there is a valid reason. when you begin to feel jealous, it's best to address the issue immediately as jealousy has a tendency to build and invade other aspects of your life such as work and relationships with your friends.

kevin t
religion is the opiate of the masses

#3 of 59 OFFLINE   Kirk Gunn

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Posted December 07 2003 - 08:59 PM

Logic dictates if he was a friend, she would want you to meet this person and also enjoy their wonderful qualities. Relationships are seldom logical. On the flip side, restaraunt workers tend to build a bond due to the crazy hours worked. I waitstaffed and bartended for a while, the staff did freqently go out as a group. I even went out to lunch with a waitress, one-on-one (all she ever talked about was how wonderful her boyfriend was). I didn't go under the pretense of anything but a meal, but this type of thing can go on innocently. If your ex noticed you were uncomfortable with the arrangement, she should have offered to introduce you, invite you along, stop doing it, etc.... (but perhaps that's logical ?)

#4 of 59 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted December 08 2003 - 12:56 AM

[quote] staff did freqently go out as a group. [quote]
Group being the key word. I would not care if my girlfriend went out with a group of mixed gender friends as long as I was invited. Although im sure as hell not going to wake my lazy ass up at 2AM though. If it’s just the girls night out then she has every right not to invite me. But weekend after weekend of going out with the same single guy and never being introduced. I hate to say it but most likely something was going on. You have every right to be jealous. Kevin was right on though; you should have talked about your feelings earlier.
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#5 of 59 OFFLINE   MartinTeller

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Posted December 08 2003 - 02:33 AM

She totally played you and you let her.

#6 of 59 OFFLINE   Paul Bond

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Posted December 08 2003 - 03:32 AM

1) It could be totally innocent. 2) It could have started out totally innocent, but gradually is or has developed into something. 3) She could be using this as a way to 'ease' out of her relationship with you. 4) It could just be one great big mess. Basically, you have two choices. Talk to her about it or pretend nothing is wrong. If you take choice number two, the odds are that you will lose her sooner or later. Women say they want men who are in touch with their feelings; who are civilized; who will care for and nurture them. And this is generally true. What they don't say is that they want men who will protect them; provide for them; FIGHT FOR THEM. By not reacting to this threat to your relationship, you are showing that she is not really important to you. If you take choice number one, you may still lose her, but at least you will be able to say you went down fighting. This is, of course, not a professional opinion, and free advice is worth what you pay for it. :-) Paul

#7 of 59 OFFLINE   Josh Lowe

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Posted December 08 2003 - 04:03 AM

The question that's on my mind is.. If she's your ex and you have another girlfriend, why are you dwelling on this?

#8 of 59 OFFLINE   Steve_Tk

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Posted December 08 2003 - 05:14 AM

Not dwelling, just curious. Because my current girlfriend gets disgusted at me when we hang out with my friends, that are females, that I had before I met her.

So I was just curious how these things went. What eventually happened in that relationship? Well I did talk to her about it, but she was always real quick to say "he's just a friend" and that would end the conversation. If I had gone any further then she would pull the "OH my god why are being like this". She was immature. I'm not really sure what happened, but some how she cheated on me, I found out, and she broke up with me. I totally missed out on the "you whore!" conversation and getting to break up with her. Not sure how that worked out. Ran into them 2 weeks later and they were on a date. Just was wondering, because I know how I felt when this was happening to me, and I'm curious how to solve the current problem. I know I've been told "he's just a friend" a million times, and now I'm saying that when there is nothing going on. Just don't want my current girlfriend questioning and worrying aobut this like I did when there is actually nothing to worry about.

[quote] She totally played you and you let her. [quote]

Yeh I know, it sucked Posted Image .

#9 of 59 OFFLINE   Tim K

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Posted December 08 2003 - 05:29 AM

edit

#10 of 59 OFFLINE   AllanN

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Posted December 08 2003 - 05:33 AM

[quote] Yeh I know, it sucked [quote]
Sucks even worse when they get engaged in a month!

Sally: "Alright, what do you call someone you go out with but dont have sex with?"

Patrick: "A man."
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#11 of 59 OFFLINE   Joseph DeMartino

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Posted December 08 2003 - 05:38 AM

The rule is simple:

Someone in a relationship should not spend time alone with "friends" of the opposite sex.

90% of the time when people start cheating their excuse is, "It just happened." Crap. It didn't "just happen" The two people put themselves in a position where it could happen and then allowed it to happen - and did both because they hoped it would happen, even if they didn't have to guts to come out and say so.

If you don't put yourself in a position where you can cheat, you assure that you won't cheat because you avoid temptation. You also avoid giving your siginificant other any reason to be jealous.

Friendships with "exes" should frankly be dropped. Nobody is going to be comfortable with you hanging around with someone you used to sleep with - and less comfortable hanging around with both of you. Leave it alone. Nothing good ever came of "staying friends with" an ex-spouse or lover. (Although this generally isn't an issue with ex-spouses. Posted Image) Obviously this does not apply to exes with whom you have children in common, because then some contact is unavoidable.

This is one of those bad ideas, like videotaping the two of you having sex or taking naked pictures, that everybody seems to think will work out OK for them, even though its been a disaster for everyone else they've ever heard of. There is almost no appreciable upside to these things, and an almost unlimited downside. Why risk it?

Regards,

Joe

#12 of 59 OFFLINE   Steve_Tk

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Posted December 08 2003 - 05:51 AM

[quote] Someone in a relationship should not spend time alone with "friends" of the opposite sex. [quote]

I just wanted to clear it up that I don't do this. Only time I see them is when we are all in a group.

#13 of 59 OFFLINE   Fred Seger

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Posted December 08 2003 - 06:06 AM

what joe said

#14 of 59 OFFLINE   Matt Stryker

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Posted December 08 2003 - 07:49 AM

[quote] Someone in a relationship should not spend time alone with "friends" of the opposite sex. [quote]

I would disagree ONLY if the "friend" you were talking about met the following criteria:

1) They were a friend before you two ever met, or at least before your relationship began.

2) Your girlfriend/boyfriend has never and acknowledges that he would not be interested in dating/screwing around with that person.

3) He/She doesn't try to keep you seperate from that person. Hiding usually has a reason.

I strongly disagree with "guys can't be friends with girls without wanting something else" especially in context of a workplace friendship. IMHO, most of friendship is proximity and time. So if you have to spend 8 hours a day in an office with someone, or are constantly around them on the smoking porch, etc, then chances are good you'll become friends (or bitter enemies, but thats another story). I was great friends with 2 former female coworkers of mine, and never was drawn to either in that way.

What Steves ex did was wrong, but don't apply it to every relationship. There are definitely warning signs, and hiding stuff is a GIGANTIC one.

#15 of 59 OFFLINE   Casey Trowbridg

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Posted December 08 2003 - 08:24 AM

Well if the last relationship I was in was any sort of a guide: 1. Women could have as many male friends as the wished, do whatever they wished, and if the guy (me) has any concern we should promptly be called jealous and told to forget about it. 2. The guy (me) is required to only see girls that are in the company of other men, like my best friends girlfriend only when he's around. We must report where we are going at all times, and with whom and if the girl complains about it not only must it not be considered jealousy but it necessitates a change in plans for the guy. There is a reason that this is from a former relationship.

#16 of 59 OFFLINE   JayDerek

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Posted December 08 2003 - 09:52 AM

Friendships w/ the opposite sex CAN exist, but sometimes precautions need to be taken, and communication MUST be good between you and your SO. I ignored some very early signs, didn't press my point enough, and as a result, am going thru a divorce now because she cheated on me. ~Jason
~Jason

#17 of 59 OFFLINE   Clay Kilpatrick

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Posted December 08 2003 - 11:08 AM

Alright, here is the way I see it, either side is allowed to hang out, be friends with, or whatever, with whomever they want. If the trust is there, it won't be a problem. If one side isn't trusting each other, well, then that is a relationship that needs to end. A relationship that has to have rules on who can see who, in my honest opinion, is not a good relationship. For whatever that was worth, Clay

#18 of 59 OFFLINE   Mike Voigt

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Posted December 08 2003 - 11:41 AM

It is perfectly ok to have relationships with the opposite sex.

Why eliminate 50% of the human population as friends just because they happen to be of the other sex? Just because someone can't think beyond having sex with the other person? Why does sex even have to enter into it?

Good grief. Folks that think like that (and please note I am NOT saying anyone here does): start thinking with the brain and not only with the nether regions...

#19 of 59 OFFLINE   Steve_Tk

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Posted December 08 2003 - 01:47 PM

So I guess neither of you would find it strange if your wives were on a regular basis hanging out with a man, alone, that you didn't know because they were friends? I have no problem being in groups, or double dating, or anything like that. But no matter how much you trust someone, your SO being with a stranger that you don't know, in a non-work related situation, on a routine basis because they are friends without you is strange. And sex enters the picture when they start having it on their little 'friend' meetings. I for one choose not to even put myself in those situations. I don't have a female friend that I will just hang out with alone on a regular basis. I think it would be irresponsible and leads to rumors. If I want to hang out her, my SO could come and we could all go out. I also know a lot of people that actually believe like the other poster said "it just happened, I didn't mean for it". Totally not true. I believe it may have come as a surprise that something did develope, but they still put themselves in the situation, and then once there acted upon it. Most people think it's more of a fantasy and honestly believe it will not develope so what's the harm in being around the person, then all a sudden, whoops, and they can't believe it actually went forward.

#20 of 59 OFFLINE   Bob Turnbull

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Posted December 08 2003 - 03:22 PM

I can't express how much I truly disagree with these statements and I wish I had the eloquence to do so. Why bother having a relationship if both parties don't have trust in each other? If someone has broken that trust, then it's that single person that did it...Not an entire gender. I have plenty of friends who are female, one of whom I consider my best friend. Not only does my wife "allow" me to see them on my own, she encourages it. I can't imagine missing out on these friendships due to some silly rule. Generalizations (as they say) simply aren't worth a damn...




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