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Attraction to someone you've met only online...how do you deal with it?

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38 replies to this topic

#1 of 39 OFFLINE   Clint B

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Posted November 08 2003 - 06:33 PM

OK, I know this is a weird subject, but I've gotta get this stuff out before I explode. A little over 4 months ago, I met this incredible woman online. We've talked nearly every night since then, whether on the phone or via instant messenger. We have very similar interests, morals, values, and attitudes. Slowly, an attraction has built up, on some level.

The problem is that I live in Texas and she lives in Canada. We've not met face to face yet, but we plan to within the next year or so. She hasn't sent me her picture yet (the one thing that does bother me a bit), but she says she's going to before too long. Anyway, we've both admitted that we'd probably be dating if we were in the same city. Despite not having met her face to face yet, I really like her.

So, has anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, how do you deal with it? If not, do you have any suggestions on how I deal with it before I go nuts? Thanks for your time.

#2 of 39 OFFLINE   Ricardo C

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Posted November 08 2003 - 06:47 PM

Long distance relationships have been around forever. As long as you make sure she is who she claims she is (hey, she might be a dude), what's the big deal? If you want to date, date, and stop agonizing over it.
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#3 of 39 OFFLINE   Sebastian


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Posted November 08 2003 - 07:00 PM

Why are you going nuts?
No picture yet or because she lives so far away?

#4 of 39 OFFLINE   Carl Johnson

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Posted November 08 2003 - 07:12 PM

Considering a digital camera can be had for $25 at Walmart not seeing a picture in four months does sound shady. She could very well have a husband and a houseful of kids while using you for entertainment on the side.
Even if she is who she says she is my advice is to keep your eyes open for someone local. Match.com has literally transformed me from a dork to a Don Juan with more social options than spare time. Just advertise yourself as an attractive intellegent well paid young man seeking friendship and you're sure to get plenty of responses Posted Image

#5 of 39 OFFLINE   Max Leung

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Posted November 08 2003 - 07:53 PM

No picture after 4 months suggests that she is not comfortable with her physical image, and is afraid you would drop her if you saw her. My advice is to drop any preconceptions of how you see her in your head, if you haven't done so already.

You have to balance your preference of physical attractiveness with everything else you know about her. Unfortunately, this means you should get a picture of her before any travel arrangements are made (and besides, how will you know what she looks like at the airport?).

Dating online is much easier if you treat it like dating in person...you (should) always know what your potential date looks like before you ask for one! In the online world, asking for a picture early in the relationship is best (and is generally accepted practice).
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#6 of 39 OFFLINE   Kirk Gunn

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Posted November 08 2003 - 11:04 PM

My advice is to drop any preconceptions of how you see her in your head

"Shallow Hal" anyone ? Got to agree that no picture in 4 months is odd, but hey - good friends are hard to find. Have you sent her a pix ?

Even if it winds up that the physical compatibility isn't there, try not to kill the friendship bond.

#7 of 39 OFFLINE   JamieD


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Posted November 09 2003 - 12:30 AM

I echo what those above have said. Be very prepared for something below your physical appearance "standards" and such. Of course, maybe you have none, I dunno. Posted Image
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#8 of 39 OFFLINE   Eric_L



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Posted November 09 2003 - 01:17 AM

If you haven't yet sent her a picture you could have some fun with a practial joke.

#9 of 39 OFFLINE   Scott_lb


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Posted November 09 2003 - 05:49 AM

What the heck is Gary the Retard doing on that second picture? I've never seen anyone from the whackpack at those types of sites.
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#10 of 39 OFFLINE   Garrett Lundy

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Posted November 09 2003 - 07:11 AM

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
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#11 of 39 OFFLINE   Steve_Tk



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Posted November 09 2003 - 07:58 AM

I have no experience with this, but after 4 months of being very close it seems like her excuses like "my scanner is broken" wouldn't work. She could have sent you a real picture in the mail.

Be very worried daniel son that you've got an oaf on the other side of that instant message.

#12 of 39 OFFLINE   Tim Ford

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Posted November 10 2003 - 03:29 AM

I have a friend who went to visit a woman he had met on the internet, in Australia. (He was from the UK.) He came back six weeks later, married! Posted Image

Good luck with it! Posted Image

#13 of 39 OFFLINE   Joseph DeMartino

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Posted November 10 2003 - 05:37 AM

There can be also sorts of reasons for the picture thing - and absolutely nothing to prevent her from sending you a picture of her prettier cousin anyway. (And, again, have you sent her your picture? Have the two of you even discussed the idea?)

What you have to realize about this kind of "virtual dating" is that it is even further removed from everyday life than "real" dating. You're both on your best behaviour, you stick to topics of conversation you're both interested in, you're only dealing with words, not with any non-verbal queues.

At least on a real date you get a sense of how the person relates to other people (like waiters and waitresses), how they drive, how they dress and a million other things that give you insight into them as people. By the time you're ready to get serious chances are you've met their friends and their families and you've seen some of their less lovely traits.

Even so, you have to invest many months in nearly daily physical contact with someone to get this much of a sense of them - and you're still going to make all kinds of new discoveries (not all of them pleasant) if and when the two of you get married or move in together. (Which always seems to come as such a shock to so many couples. Posted Image)

Compared to all this, the two of you barely have a relationship, despite the apparent intensity of the communication. I'd recommend taking it very slow. When the timing is right go ahead and have her visit for a long weekend or go to see her. Get a hotel and plan lots of activities in advance. Don't sleep together. If everything goes well, try a longer visit - still with the hotel. Go a step at a time. Eventually somebody is going to have to move, or you're both going to have to agree to stay pen-pals and not try to move the relationship forward.

All of the above assumes that you haven't been dealing with some psychotic guy or bunny boiler of a women - which is also possible. Posted Image The two of you only know what you've told each other. I think I'd try verifying a few facts about her, like where she lives and works, etc. Just to be on the safe side. Posted Image



#14 of 39 OFFLINE   Hunter P

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Posted November 10 2003 - 05:51 AM

[Austin Powers]She's a man, baby! Yeah![/Austin Powers]
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#15 of 39 OFFLINE   Ric Bagoly

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Posted November 10 2003 - 07:26 PM

Be careful. Generally most attractive, outgoing modern women DO NOT spend a great deal of time on the Internet and actually look down on it somewhat, preferring to meet people in danceclubs or bars or church groups or anything in a LIVE SOCIAL situation. I had a similiar experience dealing with a woman online that lived across the country, and when I finally got to see what she looked like----PORK CITY!! We all have standards, but some women are just impossible to imagine a physical relationship with, sadly. The best advice is to use a local dating service, go out to clubs especially when they have "singles nights", or just try your best when you bump into someone you're really attracted to. With any luck, you'll hook up sooner or later, but don't try to come across like you're "different". Women HATE that. The more normal you seem like, the better.
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#16 of 39 OFFLINE   Joseph DeMartino

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Posted November 11 2003 - 02:17 AM


One thing Clint hasn't told us is how he met this woman on-line. Chatrooms that are the 'net equivalent of singles bars are one thing, something like The Home Theater Forum is another. I tend to agree with you about the former - most women who are looking to "hook up" are more likely to do so in a real-world venue. But then, the same applies to men. Anyone who is deliberately looking for romance on the internet is suspect in that sense. OTOH coming across a like minded person on the HTF, moving from exchanging public posts, to private messages, to e-mails to phone calls is a whole different thing - much more like meeting someone "in real life" through a volunteer organization and club, and then becoming "involved."

One thing about meeting someone in this way - removing the physical cues can be a good, as well as a bad thing. You're not going to be swayed by the looks of a stunning, but empty-headed prospect, for instance. Even if someone is lying on the 'net, you're learning something about the quality of the mind behind the messages, the level of education, the sense of humor, etc. - most of which you will miss in noise and dim light of your average bar or dance club. Posted Image



#17 of 39 OFFLINE   Aurel Savin

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Posted November 11 2003 - 04:35 AM

Having signed up for match.com recently myself I can tell you that personally I do not like to waste time with these long distance relationships. Emailing back and forth and talking on the phone with a complete stranger might bring some level of satisfaction if I was in jail but in the real world ... I would like to meet someone (and at least see a picture of them) as soon as possible.

Like someone said before, facial expressions, interactions with others, physical attraction are all a big part of a human being and necessary in a relationship.

Don't let your imagination get the best of you and don't waste unecessary time.

She sounds either insecure about herself or she is playing games with you. But then again I heard of really stunning women not putting up their pictures on dating sites or talking to men without photos being exchanged ... simply becuase they felt that they wanted to connect on another level first. Sometimes beautiful women have as hard a time finding men ...

Good luck!

#18 of 39 OFFLINE   Jeff Perry

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Posted November 11 2003 - 06:01 AM

The Internet: Where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are undercover officers.

#19 of 39 OFFLINE   Ric Bagoly

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Posted November 11 2003 - 07:29 PM

Sometimes beautiful women have as hard a time finding men...

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#20 of 39 OFFLINE   Yee-Ming



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Posted November 11 2003 - 09:03 PM

Sometimes beautiful women have as hard a time finding men...

I think the more accurate statement is, beautiful women have as hard a time finding the right men for them.

Some of us had a theory in early 20s, the attractive girls always seemed to have less than stellar boyfriends, and the theory was that the self-confident, conceited jerks always chased after them, whilst the nice guys were thinking to themselves "she's out of my league" and didn't even try.

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