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Nervous Breakdown...


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#1 of 26 OFFLINE   DeathStar1

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Posted July 23 2003 - 05:30 AM

Hey guys,

My Obssessive Cumpolsive DisOrder is really starting to break out now, and I had to go to a Psychologist today. He already confirmed what we basically new, but now he can prescribe some stuff for me.

This is but a small part of it, but for some reason, I now have to create a problem for myself to worry about in order to move on from life. I've gotten so bad, I can't relax and just think about the stuff that used to make me happy.

Hopefully this stuff will help so I can get back to a somewhat more normal lifestyle like I hadno more than 7 years ago..

#2 of 26 OFFLINE   Paul_Fisher

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Posted July 23 2003 - 06:52 AM

Good luck to you Neil! Keep your head up! Posted Image

#3 of 26 OFFLINE   Ted Lee

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Posted July 23 2003 - 06:56 AM

good luck neil. as my friend used to say "stay up"!!!
Quote:
I now have to create a problem for myself to worry about in order to move on from life.
not sure, but you're saying you have to give yourself something new to worry about? wouldn't that be counter-productive?
 

#4 of 26 OFFLINE   Ryan Spaight

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Posted July 23 2003 - 07:42 AM

I've been there, man. I've been fighting that stuff for more than 6 years. There's nothing as hard as when your own brain starts turning on you.

It sounds like your symptoms are much like mine -- I was never "obsessed" with one particular thing for very long, it was more like needing something to worry about, all day long, to the exclusion of being able to enjoy life. Somewhere between OCD and a Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

You're not alone. It looks really bleak in your position, believe me I know. But it *will* get better. Don't know what your doc prescribed, but Paxil made a world of difference for me. There are others that are as good. The drugs let you get your bearings and realize more clearly what's happening. Then, you can start "training" your brain to not "spin" in obsessional circles any more.

The trick is *not* to fight the fears and worries. Doing that will only make them stronger, since you're giving them power over you. It's quite hard to do, but you need to *accept* the fear and worry as something your brain is doing (kinda like accepting a scratchy throat when you have a cold). It sounds counterintuitive, but it's true.

Best of luck. PM me if you want to talk more.

Ryan

#5 of 26 OFFLINE   Ron-P

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Posted July 23 2003 - 09:04 AM

My wife went through a major NB over a year ago. I won't go into details (you can PM me if you'd like). She is doing great now. They did prescribe some meds which she is now free from, but it helped a lot at the on-slot of recovery.

It's not easy, but it gets better. Good luck to you!


Peace Out~Posted Image
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#6 of 26 OFFLINE   DustinLC

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Posted July 23 2003 - 09:41 AM

Someone clue me in on what that is. I hear people say they have nervous breakdown all the time. I guess if you need professional help, it's serious. Is it like you worry about little things, get upset over it or think about it a lot?

Whenever I have to give a persentation, I get upset, nervous, think about it all the time, can't sleep...ect...is that it?

#7 of 26 OFFLINE   Zen Butler

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Posted July 23 2003 - 09:43 AM

Neil, you've done the right thing in getting help. It led to some awful anxiety problems for me. I'm now drug-free (except for random episodes) since getting to the source of the problem. Make sure to find the source of it. Don't eternally patch it with drugs. Ryan hit much of it head on. I wish you the best.

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#8 of 26 OFFLINE   Glenn Overholt

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Posted July 23 2003 - 10:18 AM

Yep, technically there is no such thing as a nervous breakdown, so I'd like to hear this too.

I can see trauma setting in - watching your house burn down or something like that, but a nervous breakdown implies that your nerves are all out of whack - but does that mean that your thinking is too?

Glenn

#9 of 26 OFFLINE   DeathStar1

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Posted July 23 2003 - 10:51 AM

I've been there, man. I've been fighting that stuff for more than 6 years. There's nothing as hard as when your own brain starts turning on you.>>

Latley I've been trying to use Logic to try and help me get through it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it dosn't, but at least it tries to help get me through the day..

#10 of 26 OFFLINE   Gary->dee

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Posted July 23 2003 - 11:40 AM

I feel for you, Neil. I've been to a psychologist and a therapist and I was disappointed to find that their solution revolves around drugs that fuck my body up worse than any illegal substance might do, so I told myself to hell with that shit and stopped seeing them in hopes of self-medicating. I'm a suicidal bi-polar with obsessive compulsive disorder which basically equates to a screwed up perfectionist mentality with no hope for the future. Regardless if I end up homeless or a major success(whatever the hell that might be) I'd likely still cherish the idea of death as I do everyday because I have such self loathing towards not only myself but the human race in general. I try to scrape any form of happiness from whatever I can derive from my utterly mundane and useless life and when I'm really down my only salvation is insanity to get me through so I can laugh at it all regardless of if anything is funny or not.

I'm hoping to travel someday soon and hopefully get a new perspective on things besides the one I have from inside this rotting corpse before I have a complete nervous breakdown and I'm unable to function in society.

Hope things work out for you. Posted Image

#11 of 26 OFFLINE   Ryan Spaight

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Posted July 23 2003 - 03:04 PM

Quote:
Someone clue me in on what that is.

Everyone gets nervous about stuff (like a big presentation), or can be traumatized by something (like your house burning down). This is different in the fear is of nothing quite so tangible. It's a fear of what *might* happen, and more to the point, a fear that you haven't done enough to prevent it from happening.

To use the above example, it's about being just as traumatized by the *idea* that your house *could* burn down as someone else would be by their house actually burning down. So you obsess over this possibility, turning it over and over in your head, coming up with endless ways in which your house might burn down, and what you need to do to stop it. (And not incidentally, torture yourself for not being responsible enough to have done it already.)

Then, you start having to compulsively make sure everything's all right. Maybe you can't relax unless you check the attic every day for frayed electrical wires, or check the smoke detector batteries every night. (Of course, you don't relax anyway, but it's even worse if you don't "feed the beast" by doing what it tells you.)

Ergo, obsessive/compulsive disorder.

Most of the time, the worry is about something impossible or extremely improbable (catching AIDS from a doorknob, running over someone in the street and not realizing it, killing your children accidentally or in a fit of rage). It can be a lifelong battle with a single worry, or a series of them.

Quote:
Whenever I have to give a persentation, I get upset, nervous, think about it all the time, can't sleep...ect...is that it?

Imagine feeling like that all day every day for months (or years), and you've got it, except that the thing you're worrying about has no possible good outcome, unlike a presentation. Again, it's like knowing your house is going to burn down.

Last time I got hammered by this, I lost 15 pounds in two weeks (and I ain't a big guy) because I could not eat.

Quote:
Latley I've been trying to use Logic to try and help me get through it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it dosn't, but at least it tries to help get me through the day..

That works for a while, but the problem is that your brain is smarter than you are. If it's anything like my experience, "the beast" will be able to successfully outargue any logic you throw at it. As you work through this, you'll eventually learn to let the beast rant away without giving it the satisfaction of a reply, though you'll probably never shut him up. It's damn hard, and I haven't made it totally there yet. But there are times when it clicks and I feel totally in control.

Quote:
I'm hoping to travel someday soon and hopefully get a new perspective on things besides the one I have from inside this rotting corpse before I have a complete nervous breakdown and I'm unable to function in society.

Gary, travel is actually a great idea. It helps to break you out of your own head. Hope it helps. If not, at least think about trying different meds until you find one you can tolerate. (Self-medication almost always ends up being booze or worse, and that never ends up helping things.) The meds don't have to be forever, but it's much harder to diminish the power of whatever it is that's attacking you if you can't take two steps away from it, which is what the meds can help you do.

At least get the hell out of LA for a while. Posted Image

Ryan

#12 of 26 OFFLINE   Jason_Els

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Posted July 23 2003 - 08:16 PM

Oh I'm on this bus too....

I've been hospitalized twice for psychiatric problems. The OCD I have focuses on depersonalization and repetition of anxiety-inducing episodes in my past. Could have been when I was a kid doing stupid kid things or the tiniest embarrassments that, somehow, my brain remembered and keeps playing over and over. Even typing this my brain is trying very hard to replay all these things; things I'm sure no one else remembers or might not have found traumatic in the least but which I do- intensely.

I have no tics, thank the gods, but I don't live a normal life. Never had a girlfriend for fear of rejection, constantly underestimate my skills and talents thus resulting in underemployment, inability to study very well, and the persistent belief that I am very unattractive though I know empirically I am at least considered rather handsome by some people. I constantly think I'm an idiot and memories of being berated in school by less than decent teachers play over and over in my head when I think about going back to finish my degree yet I have a clinically tested IQ of 142.

A few things have contributed to helping me beat this demon (and you thought Pazzuzu was nasty). First has been psychotherapy. It has taken YEARS of not having a clue what to do and some serious suicidal ideation (you learn psych speak in mental hospitals) to get me to really work at psychotherapy. It's exhausting but it has helped. The second has been a group of supportive friends and family who keep telling me I'm a kind, gentle, loving person (heh). Without people in my real life to help me I never would have survived. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are a price above rubies. If there is justice in the universe they deserve all the blessings life has to offer. The third has, I think, simply been time. I now realize that some of my teachers were sadistic freaks who don't deserve the power I have given them. I have a desire to put on a red dress and dance on the grave of my eighth grade teacher (not really but something disrespectful). The stupid little things I've done for which I have been beating myself to death with do not repeat so often because I react to them by saying, "F*CK YOU". Again, it all has to do with releasing the power the past has held.

The fourth thing that has helped has been drugs. Anafranil was a big help in bringing me back from the depersonalization of suidical ideation and helping me get enough of a grip on my self-esteen to get out of the hospital and get a job to support myself. Prozac sucked but Buspar was great. Mellowed me out and allowed me to slow down and enjoy life. As I still have panic attacks that I cannot control and seem to strike in a myriad of situations I always have a bottle of Xanax around. I use less than 20 a year but when the attacks come they're essential.

The trick with any psychiatric drug is to try to not rely on the drug to make everything OK. You have to help the drug by fighting the disease it's treating. It's not easy. No matter where you go there you are. And your brain, part of which wants to ruin your life, is with you too. It's difficult because you can never escape it. There is no rest. It's like a cloud of mosquitoes flying around your head all the time. The drugs can help keep them away long enough to gather your thoughts while you work to do it yourself.

Depression and OCD are horrendous diseases still largely misunderstood by the general public despite the increased awareness of the importance of psychological health. I'm keeping mine at bay by working hard to increase my self-esteem and, as is my goal, work in a field I love and marry and have children. You who are happily married and enjoy your work have no idea how impossible that seemingly simple slice of life is for some people. Not saying family and marriage aren't work, I know they are, but don't ever take it for granted. It's been 15 long years of gradual work and constant fighting but I believe it's worth it; and I AM winning. Each day I get a little better.

Neil and Ryan and Ron (for Mrs. Ron), hang in there. The fight may be long or short but it will work if you find the right combination of things. It can take a lot of tries but I have found that if you don't give up you can do it. Get support from your friends and family and professionals. If you're not getting it then find people who will. Learn what drugs might be good for you and read everything about your disease you can; real psychological books and papers, not pop-psych crap. Learn what drugs do what and ask for them. Try out different drugs of different classes and if they don't work then try something else. Medicine isn't perfect. What works for one person may do nothing or actually worsen symptoms for someone else. The more you know about your disease the better the chance of conquering it. I can't count how many times I've heard doctors tell me I know more about my disease than they do.

Above all, constantly remind yourself that you aren't what your brain thinks you are. Always tell yourself you suffer from a disease and that disease isn't YOU no matter what it tries to convince you of. Always challenge the obsessive and depressive thoughts every single time they occur. Most importantly keep reminding yourself that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that with effort and time and more effort you will win.

That last bit has significance for me. When Kurt Cobain killed himself I was devastated. Here was a brilliant man I admired and so many people around me were calling him a coward for killing himself. Someone who couldn't "buck it up" or "take it like a man" or "he was a junkie and deserved it". It infuriated me that even with it all over the news, people didn't realize it was the disease of depression that killed him. They didn't see depression as being something so powerful it could kill someone like a cancer or dread disease. Depression is just as bad and it kills people every day. If you don't know what it's like then you can't imagine. Just thank Providence you don't have it.
For beauty is only a step removed from a burning terror we barely sustain, and we worship it for the graceful sublimity with which it disdains to consume us. - Rainer Maria Rilke

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#13 of 26 OFFLINE   Gary->dee

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Posted July 24 2003 - 04:48 AM

Quote:
At least get the hell out of LA for a while.

Amen. I think in large part this city has turned me into the monster I am. At one time I used to love LA so much that I couldn't think of any where else I'd rather be. Now I see it as my prison. Some days I feel like I'm going to explode and god help whoever is around me, but that small portion of calm that still resides in me wins and no one ends up getting hurt including myself. The only thing I worry about in leaving this smelly armpit of a city is the old saying "no matter where you go, there you are" but it's only a minor concern. I've been to Massachusetts and totally fell in love with that state but I think it's still not far enough. I'm thinking about returning to Australia or possibly exploring Scandinavia for the cool temps because above all I feel uncomfortable in my own skin living in this city.

#14 of 26 OFFLINE   Daniel Becker

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Posted July 24 2003 - 06:06 AM

I've suffered from generalized anxiety for years now. I've always been an anti med person but I have used Xanex on occasion which works very well. Some of your descriptions of Psychological disorders are very accurate and I know your pain. I have one thing for you think about today:


Do you really believe this planet you live on, the solar system it sits in, the galaxy it resides in, and the universe itself was all created one day in a "big bang"?


Use that same common sense that tells you how bad everything is in your mind and think about the above question for 1 minute! That 1 minute could change the rest of your life. If everyone just asked themselves this question everyday the world we live in would be a different place. God does exists and God did create it. There are explanations for many of the world's problems. You just have to start looking. When you find them I CAN PROMISE YOU your life will be better. If you want to know more about this crazy world email me at:


tigerriot76@yahoo.com


If you think i'm a crazy fool who doesn't know what he's talking about, and you reading this message was just a random event in time, ignore this message and carry on with your life. Posted Image


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#15 of 26 OFFLINE   Jack Briggs

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Posted July 24 2003 - 06:10 AM

Daniel, curb your proselytizing. You clearly have not read the HTF posting guidelines.

#16 of 26 OFFLINE   Holadem

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Posted July 24 2003 - 06:26 AM

Quote:
Regardless if I end up homeless or a major success(whatever the hell that might be) I'd likely still cherish the idea of death as I do everyday because I have such self loathing towards not only myself but the human race in general

Judging by some of the threads you started, you seem to have a hefty amount of love left for the other half of the human race Posted Image

--
Holadem

#17 of 26 OFFLINE   DeathStar1

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Posted July 24 2003 - 06:31 AM

Most of the time, the worry is about something impossible or extremely improbable (catching AIDS from a doorknob, running over someone in the street and not realizing it, killing your children accidentally or in a fit of rage). It can be a lifelong battle with a single worry, or a series of them.
>>

In this case, part of it is the Driving situation, of wich I've stopped driving completly because I know that double checking just makes things worse. I get more harried, more worried, and I even forget turns as was the case in February when it first started to get bad.

I spent at least an hour double checking one small check of road without realizing it untill I looked at the time..

>>Last time I got hammered by this, I lost 15 pounds in two weeks (and I ain't a big guy) because I could not eat.>>

I weigh 220, but I havn't eaten much more than a small bag of French Fries once every two days. So I'm in this situation now. I'm hoping things will start to get better in the next week when the medicine takes effect, so I can at the very least start to relax again.

>>Gary, travel is actually a great idea. It helps to break you out of your own head. Hope it helps. If not, at least think about trying different meds until you find one you can tolerate. >>

There might be a trip to Los Angeles next year, and I'm hoping that if it's done, I can go and have the tapings of my favorite TV shows distract me for at least a little while...

But as you said, some logic works better than others.
Part of the problem is I have way too much time to think about things. For isntance, just a small part of the problem, every now and then, I'll wonder how I know how to breath on occasion, or how I know to move my arms, or legs. Or, if I ride a bike, why I don't crash into this car that is popping up on my left. Or why I don't open up the door while travelling at high speeds in a car. All thoughts trying to pop up to give me something to worry about, along with the driving, cleaning, and who knows what else will pop up in the future..

Luckilly I never do such things, but it's the weird series of thoughts that I get stuck on untill something new comes along to make me forget about my previous problems....

I guess that old law applies to me as well, 'If something bad will happen, it will happen'.

#18 of 26 OFFLINE   Daniel Becker

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Posted July 24 2003 - 06:44 AM

Thats the right philosphy Neil. If something is going to happen to you it's just going to happen to you. You can't prevent it and you can't make it happen. Just live your life with the understanding that you can't control everything and you are not in control of the world. When you realize that fact your anxiety about so many things will begin to melt away. I used to think about that "what if I stopped breathing" stuff all the time. Posted Image Now I just tell myself, "if I stop breathing than I stop breathing, I can't control that".



Dan.B

#19 of 26 OFFLINE   Gary->dee

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Posted July 24 2003 - 07:01 AM

Quote:
Judging by some of the threads you started, you seem to have a hefty amount of love left for the other half of the human race

Yes but the hunger, the cravings, the lust...there's something about it I despise whether it's for food, love or sex. I guess it's a part of the bi-polar disorder. One moment I can adore something and the next moment hate myself for adoring it thinking how pathetic I am to actually want something because I know it's endless. Then there are other issues I have like the fact that I hate people looking at me. It's like I want to wear a permanent sign that reads "Sorry for being an asshole sometimes but don't even look at me". I told my ex-gf once how I wish I could wear a mask and she said that perhaps sometimes I do and she's right. I wear my face like an emotionless mask sometimes because if people look at me I want them to see no emotion. But on the flipside sometimes I want to stand out so I wear my yellow Puma's which I basically wear as an 'F you'(even though they do look pretty cool) because people's eyes are drawn to yellow shoes and I love seeing them quickly gaze at them and all the while I think 'you look and you're fucked because I got you'. I dunno, it's a sadistic power thing I guess. If I can make someone look at this materialistic item I wear in this materialistic town somehow I count it as a twisted victory. The non-verbal equivalent of "Don't look at me! Look down dammit!"

Quote:
There might be a trip to Los Angeles next year, and I'm hoping that if it's done, I can go and have the tapings of my favorite TV shows distract me for at least a little while...

If you make the trip I hope you have a good time. Posted Image I'm hoping I won't be here by next year but it all depends on how fast I can get my paperwork in order and such.
Quote:
For isntance, just a small part of the problem, every now and then, I'll wonder how I know how to breath on occasion, or how I know to move my arms, or legs.

I know how you feel. Sometimes I think of the brain as an entirely separate lifeform just using our bodies and that it occassionally cries to get out. Of course if it does you're dead.

#20 of 26 OFFLINE   Mark Brewer

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Posted July 24 2003 - 07:08 AM

Neil

I feel for you, My wife and her sister have suufered the same things. Very frightening when you think you may have to drive your wife up to hospital to have her committed for 72 hours..
My wife and her sister have been doing better the past 2 years, but they have a major trigger in their life... MOM...
Do you have trigger????
Since I started cracking down on my mother-in-law my wife has been able to deal more effectivley even being able to get off Paxil...
Hang in there....
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