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What do you do with a broken heart?

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#1 of 92 OFFLINE   Eve T

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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:03 AM

Well, it's official, I have a broken heart and just don't know how to do deal with it. It's been awhile since I found myself down and out and hurt the way I am now and was wondering what some of you have done in the past to help ease the pain of being dumped/used/hurt.Posted Image

Some days I just turn on Tori Amos and cry for hours.
Other days I can't seem to get out of bed, and then there are some days that I get so pissed off that I can barely see straight and that seems to help a bit (being pissed off) but the cold hard reality of it all is that I'm hurting and just want this to be over or at least be able to function without breaking down into tears every other 5 minutes.

Can you give me some ideas on how to take my mind off this? I don't know how to accept it yet, maybe that comes later...


#2 of 92 OFFLINE   MikeH1



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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:10 AM

I once had a broken heart too and for months I was a wreck. Then one day I decided "enough is enough, I have to move on".

Its your call Eve. Time is your friend Posted Image

#3 of 92 OFFLINE   Eve T

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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:12 AM

My doctor diagnosed me with severe depression. This is something I've had for years (on going bouts of depression) so this latest blow doesn't help much along those lines. They want to perscribe me some type of medication. I'm leery (sp?) of this but I don't know... I just may need it. Maybe it will help? Maybe I won't "feel" anything anymore? In any event, maybe things wouldn't be so bad if I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve, and maybe they wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to see the person that hurt me so badly so often. Sometimes I wish I could just save up some money, hop in my car and drive. Drive for hours, drive anywhere and just start over again where nobody knows me. Anyone else feel this way sometimes or is it just me?

#4 of 92 OFFLINE   Dave_Brown


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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:22 AM

Don't know if it will help much, but I came to understand one day that I was miserable because I was allowing someone else to have more control over my emotions then I was allowing myself. So, every time I started to feel down and depressed, I would remind myself that no one else is responsible for my happiness besides me. Granted, for the first few days I had to keep this thought in my mind almost 24x7, but as time went on it became less and less.
I would still think back and start to get depressed, and I would quickly start thinking about how it was up to me to be happy, and that my current actions were working counter to that. After a bit, it became easier to move on and focus more on the good and not remember the bad.

As tempting as it might be, you can't drive away from your problems. You'll just find yourself unhappy in a different zip code. If you really want to leave it behind and have to see the one responsible for you feeling this way, the best course of action is to let them see what a happy and care free person you are without them around. Trust me, it will do wonders to what he was doing wrong if you are so happy now. Laugh loud and often and wear a big smile.

Cheesy psycho-babble, but it works. You can only have one clear thought in your mind at a time, so focus on making it a pleasant and self serving one.

#5 of 92 OFFLINE   AllanN


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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:25 AM

#1 Watch Fight Club, or your choice of "I want to escape reality for a while movie".

#2 Let your self be emotional. Cry when you need to. Get angry when you need to. Bottling things up only makes it worse in the long run.

#3Spend more time with friends and family.

#4 Concentrate on work.

#5 If you don't already do so, working out is a good hobby. It make you feel good about yourself when you make gains and its a major stress reliever.

#6 What Michael said, give yourself time and know that there is an end to this.

As I remember from my psych 101 class, acceptance is the last stage in the classical five stages of grief of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Please see the second quote in my sig as my disclaimer of by abilities as a therapist.

[quote] Sometimes I wish I could just save up some money, hop in my car and drive. Drive for hours, drive anywhere and just start over again where nobody knows me.

Anyone else feel this way sometimes or is it just me? [quote]

I did I moved away from Warren, OH to Pittsburgh, PA for about six months when my heart got broken. Although this was also around graduation so it's not like I had anything going on back home. I eventually came back home.

Reading back I realized that this worked for me at the time because a bigger city had more professional opportunities and I didt have a set life back home yet and was and was planning on moving somewhere. But it may not be the best thing for you.
“Aquaba is over there, it’s only a matter of going.” –Lawrence "I am not now, nor have I ever been a psychologist" -Mumford
"...you can't control who gets hit or who doesn't, who falls our of a chopper or why. It ain't up to you. Its just war." -Hoot
"Fear is the path to the dark...

#6 of 92 OFFLINE   MikeH1



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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:28 AM

Eve, thats exactly how I felt. Although at the time I didn't drive, I wanted to sell my possesions and buy a one way ticket overseas with nothing but my backpack on. I think its normal to want to "run away". Clear your mind. New scenery. I never did this and like I said I just decided that if I were to go on and be happy I had to get over it.

#7 of 92 OFFLINE   Max Leung

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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:33 AM

I've known a few people who felt the same way. And, some would actually go and take off. However, it's not necessarily a good thing, especially when you hear about it on the news! I assume this is related to that other thread you started a few months ago? Anyways, a good book can help when you're feeling down. Throwing yourself at work (or an involving hobby) helps too! I'm still amazed that people think that throwing yourself at work or play is "avoiding the issue" when in fact it seems to help with the healing process.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


#8 of 92 OFFLINE   Christopher P

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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:39 AM

Hello Eve, for about 3-4 years of my life, I was depressed to the point where I forgot what it was like to go through life happy, as I generally did before my period of depression. I had gotten so used to it, I figured that's how life was supposed to be, that's how I was supposed to feel, and I couldn't understand why or how other people felt happy all the time. Yes it is ultimately your choice how you want to feel, but that doesn't mean that we can always make that choice. I think some people who've never gone through depression don't realize that sometimes. It's not that do WANT to feel happy, we just don't know HOW to feel happy. No one should EVER go through extended periods of depression. I finally talked to my doctor, he put me on some medication, and now I can't believe I didn't do it years earlier. My medication was also for social anxiety, but it also helps a lot with my depression. Your concern about "not feeling anything" is a valid one, as sometimes I don't think I get as excited or happy as I once did, and that my range of emotion is smaller than it once was. But then sometimes I think it's a small trade off for not feeling horribly depressed anymore. Some people don't think that way, that it just means you're cheating yourself out of your feelings, good and bad. Some people don't want to have to rely on medication. I finally said (as Michael pointed out) enough is enough. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Explore the medication! Your doctor will likely try a couple different types to see what works best for you, since these medications work differently on different people. Please don't discount the medications without trying them. Maybe it's not for you, but you don't know that now. And please PM me if you'd like to talk about this personally. You're not going through anything that other people haven't gone through themselves. Good luck Eve. Wow, 3 people responded since I started typing! I will add (RE: Running away): you can't run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try. You are the only person you have to spend your entire life with. You will always be there, no matter how far you run. So you better like yourself, cause you aren't going to be able to ditch yourself somewhere along the way. Chris

#9 of 92 OFFLINE   Holadem


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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:49 AM

Last fall I was this close the selling everything and driving away. I did have a destination. Now I am glad I didn't do it, it would have been tremendously irresponsible in MY situation. Plus, the person simply wasn't worth it. What is left today is anger at myself, that I ever lowered myself enough to put up with that shit. That and a healthy dose of "Never again". -- Holadem

#10 of 92 OFFLINE   MikeH1



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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:51 AM

[quote] That and a healthy dose of "Never again". [quote]

Yep. And then the walls go up.

#11 of 92 OFFLINE   MarkHastings


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Posted July 21 2003 - 05:53 AM

As Christopher stated, If you are going to try medication (which I highly suggest) make sure you don't go into it with the same attitude as you would some other medical condtion. As someone who's been through numerous types of medications for severe depression, I can tell you that it takes a long time to find out what meds work correctly for you. Everyone reacts different so it may take a while for a Dr. to find what works best for you. I've gone through the deep depression (borderline suicidal thoughts) and one of the best things I learned was to love myself. It's a hard thing to do when you get depressed. Talking about it is a great first step. Admitting you have it is also a great way to deal with it. Understanding it is the best medicine.

#12 of 92 OFFLINE   Eve T

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Posted July 21 2003 - 06:29 AM

Yes, I most certainly believe I need some type of medication. My depression is dark, it's deep and I've thought of dying often.

This latest fiasco (which I have myself to blame for) has only been a spring board for pushing me over the edge.

When I went to the doctor (therapist) they almost had me commited because they were not convinced that I was not going to hurt myself. Posted Image

I just got a new book (a huge thick book) about Ghost and whatnot so maybe if I can force myself to get up and go open it and keep my mind occupied if only for a few moments.

I am just not functioning very well at the moment but I do appreciate all the helpful hints/tips. The one about the book is a good one. I still wish I could just run away, that way I wouldn't have to see the person/people who have hurt me. I really wish I could....

#13 of 92 OFFLINE   Steve>Smoker



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Posted July 21 2003 - 06:33 AM

Well what a first post! I only came on here to get me up to speed on US HT technology lol. So: The running away thing - I'm not sure that its running away as dealing with the root causes of the problem. Its certainly not a bad thing if it does the trick. I sold up and went travelling a while ago, I used to live in the UK and now settled in the USA with my new wife. What a difference it makes! I wouldn't change it for the world. The best advice I can give to anyone depressed is write down a list of the things causing it and then figure out how to fix each one, starting with the biggest. It might take a while to actually get to the roots, but given some determination you'll get there. I just took stock of my position one day and thought "F(&^% THIS" Lots of different things cause depression : If its parents, move away from them. If its your job, find a new one. If its you partner , sit them down, explain what theyre doing to you and if they aint bothered, get rid! If its lack of a partner, meet people! Either in person or via the internet .. its all good. Being fat/thin/tall/small .... some you can do things about, some you cant. If it cant be fixed you'll just have to deal with what and who you are. I know it sounds easy ... believe me it isnt, but the rewards are worth it a million times over. I've just about beaten depression and am a damn sight stronger for doing it. It never completely goes away, but it can be controlled. I wouldnt recommend drugs on their own as thats only a 'helper'. Its like taking pain killers for a broken leg - it doesnt fix the leg, just takes away the pain.

#14 of 92 OFFLINE   Simon_Lepine


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Posted July 21 2003 - 06:49 AM

From reading the other comments on this thread, it seems that many people will disagree with me, but here goes ... I say screw medication, you don't want to be dependent on pills and chemical for your happiness. Smoke some weed if you have to for a while, that's easy to quit when you start feeling better. The best medication you'll find is to fall in love again and find someone who appreciates you, when you can get over your current problem. I was depressed for over 5 years and finding the right person really cured me.

#15 of 92 OFFLINE   Holadem


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Posted July 21 2003 - 06:52 AM

Relying on someone else to solve your problems isn't much of a solution. The key is to learn to be happy alone, because you aren't any good to anyone else otherwise. Just my opinion of course. -- Holadem

#16 of 92 OFFLINE   Mark Schermerhorn

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Posted July 21 2003 - 07:03 AM

Broken heart: First few days...I stared at the wall, getting through one minute at a time. Won't recap the other steps. Took about 6 months to mostly get over her and date again, another 4 months to truly get it to stop bothering me. It takes time, the ability to understand yourself, question yourself, and the courage to change.

#17 of 92 OFFLINE   Jeff Ulmer

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Posted July 21 2003 - 07:23 AM

Quite often in life, people don't live up to our expectations. They disappoint us, and often hurt our feelings. Since there is very little we can do about that, the only thing you can control is how you deal with those situations. It is not abnormal to feel depressed sometimes, or be emotional. Where we end up with problems is when we try to place the responsibility for how we feel on other people.

You are the only person in the world who can make you happy.

No medications, no new friends, no change of location. None of these things will make you happy. You have to work through your feelings, accept things as they are, and get on with your life as soon as possible. You have the strength to change yourself if you try, but until you have made those changes to yourself, you won't be able to be truly happy.

Hopefully, whatever got you here has, or will in time, teach you something, but there is little point wishing you could change the past. You need to reassess where you are, get on an even keel, and proceed onward. Happiness is waiting for you if you do.

Good luck.

#18 of 92 OFFLINE   Elizabeth S

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Posted July 21 2003 - 07:45 AM

[quote] Relying on someone else to solve your problems isn't much of a solution. The key is to learn to be happy alone, because you aren't any good to anyone else otherwise.
I agree with Holadem. I spent so many years of my life being in love with someone and feeling they were the key to my happiness. I had a span of 6 months once when I couldn't get out of bed. It was like I gave another person so much power over myself, and I hope NEVER to do that again. It is true I have MAJOR walls up now, but it's preferable for me than the risks. I've always been independent since I was a child, and I've gotten that back -- I go virtually everywhere alone and still enjoy myself.

Even if meds may not be the solution, it doesn't hurt to have a therapist to talk to -- someone whom you never see in everyday life who is not judgmental. Just the thought that he/she is there can feel like a safety net.

I know it's incredibly hard to imagine now, but with time, things do get better. I wish you the best, Eve.

#19 of 92 OFFLINE   MarkHastings


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Posted July 21 2003 - 07:47 AM

[quote] I say screw medication, you don't want to be dependent on pills and chemical for your happiness [quote] You don't need to depend on them forever. They work great at first to keep you stable enough so you can rationalize things.

To those who are saying that the pills aren't going to make you happy, I will agree and disagree. The pills aren't going to make you happy, but not going on medication isn't going to make you happy either. What the medication does, is control your depression so you can concentrate on making yourself happy.

I will agree that only YOU can make yourself happy, but sometimes the depression can get in the way of that. Most people can not just get rid of their depression so easily without meds. This is why I strongly suggest medication.

What most people don't understand is it's VERY difficult to stop depression. I used to get the line "Just stop it" or "Chill out" or "it's no big deal" which is quite annoying. I haven't been on meds for a long time now. It took me a few years of meds to get to this point, but I truly believe that they helped me deal with my issues until I was able do it all by myself. I knew all along that the meds weren't there to make me happy.

Another thing that helped was having a close friend to talk to. In a way, she was like my "Sponsor" (like Alcoholics have). She would constantly halp talk me out of most of my more depressing days.

Hopefully you (Eve) will find that just simply posting stuff in this thread will help (even the slightest bit). Running away or hiding the issue won't do you any good.

Again, some of the worst advice comes from people who don't understand what you're going through. I know of too many people who would think you're making it up for the attention. Those people are usually dead wrong and their advice can be more damaging than anything.

#20 of 92 ONLINE   Malcolm R

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Posted July 21 2003 - 07:52 AM

Same here. It's just incredible to me that people want to jump from one relationship to the next, often from bad to worse and back to bad again, simply because they have never learned self-reliance or are afraid to be alone.

People need to stop measuring the value of life by who they're dating. There's no shame in being alone. It can be wonderfully refreshing when there's no expectations to meet, no responsibilities to take on, and no problems to deal with but your own.

Get yourself straightened out. Then, if the time comes when you're happy with yourself, you can think about possibly inviting someone else into your life. But having a spouse/significant other isn't a requirement for a happy life.
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