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Gift for a great woman you don't know too well, but would like to?


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127 replies to this topic

#1 of 128 Robert_Z

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Posted April 13 2003 - 02:54 PM

Life has temporarily brought into my life a rather groovy 20-something year old woman. Tuesday is possibly the last time I will see her (we will continue to live in the same town, but the occassions that brought us together will come to an end.)

She has opened my eyes to quite a few things, and I want to thank her, but I also want to let her know that I would like to continue seeing her after this week. As an interesting side note, she is engaged. Engaged to be married. Bummer.

I'm not sure what any of this has to do with a gift? Ah yes, I remember. For our "final gathering," I want to give her a thank-you, have-a-nice-life gift. I don't know enough about her to know what she would like. What are some safe gifts that women like to receive, without sending an obvious "I've got a crush on you" vibe? Hmmm, under the circumstances, maybe I should make it obvious?

#2 of 128 DonRoeber

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Posted April 13 2003 - 03:05 PM

A good book? I like giving books, especially ones that make you think.
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#3 of 128 MarkHastings

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Posted April 13 2003 - 03:13 PM

Quote:
She has opened my eyes to quite a few things
Are these things emotional? If not, is there anything you've experienced together that you can use as a gift? i.e. If she opened your eyes up to Broadway Plays, you can get her a CD of Showtunes...or something like that.

#4 of 128 DaveF

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Posted April 13 2003 - 03:37 PM

Quote:
she is engaged
Quote:
What are some safe gifts that women like to receive, without sending an obvious "I've got a crush on you" vibe? Hmmm, under the circumstances, maybe I should make it obvious?
Consider the situation were she your fiance -- how would you feel about some guy who "would like to continue seeing her after this week." What advice would you give this guy who wants to send "an obvious 'I've got a crush on you' vibe" to your fiance?

Under the circumstances, I think that you should NOT give her a gift. I don't think it's appropriate to flirt with a woman who is engaged. Let it go.

#5 of 128 Robert_Z

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Posted April 13 2003 - 04:06 PM

Quote:
Under the circumstances, I think that you should NOT give her a gift. I don't think it's appropriate to flirt with a woman who is engaged.


I am glad you said that. I used to think along those same lines, but you want to know what kind of people have encouraged me to let her know how I feel? Married women.

I find it interesting that a couple of married women have suggested I let her know I am interested. Maybe these women want to live vicariously through me and this girl? I don't know.

But I can speak from experience, I do regret a situation earlier in my life, where an engaged woman and I shared an English class and had lunch together a few times. We laughed and got along very well. I did not make a move on her because I knew she was engaged. I never let her know that I thought she was terrific. I regret it to this day. Did she marry this fellow? Did they subsequently divorce? Does she think about me or other guys sometimes and wish one of us would have stepped up to the plate? I don't know. And I'll never know if there could have been anything between the two of us because I did not let her know what I felt.

What damage would my disclosure have caused? None. If their love was true and strong, she would have said thanks but no thanks. But, if she would have been open to my advance, then her relationship to this other fellow was doomed to fail. If not because of my advances, then because of someone else's wooing or because she would soon lose interest in her fiance.

So I understand where you are coming from Dave, but I will not let myself live with that kind of regret again. If this woman is as great as I think she is, and if she picks up on my interest, she will either make it abundantly clear that it ain't gonna happen, or she will dump her fiance in the near future and keep her options open.

Don, Mark, thanks for the books and CDs suggestions. Any other suggestions out there?

#6 of 128 Travis Olson

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Posted April 13 2003 - 05:09 PM

I have to agree with Dave. How do you know her fiance wouldn't be really pissed if he found out someone was trying to move in on his chick? All I'm saying is that it's not cool to knowingly try to get someone else's fiance. I would pursue the relationship on friend basis. How would you feel if you were to meet up with her and fiance at some point down the road? I guess I'd feel awkward. I kind of admire you though, you seem confident and that's good thing.

#7 of 128 RobR

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Posted April 13 2003 - 07:26 PM

Quote:
I am glad you said that. I used to think along those same lines, but you want to know what kind of people have encouraged me to let her know how I feel? Married women.

I find it interesting that a couple of married women have suggested I let her know I am interested. Maybe these women want to live vicariously through me and this girl? I don't know.

Who says married women give the best advice? I am suspicious of any married woman who encourages a guy to pursue another man's fiancee.

#8 of 128 Joseph DeMartino

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Posted April 13 2003 - 08:01 PM

Quote:
Does she think about me or other guys sometimes and wish one of us would have stepped up to the plate?


If she had, she probably would have found some excuse for contacting you. (Or one of them. For all you know she did - you just weren't the one she liked well enough.) Posted Image

When you said "I have experience in this area" I expected a story about some engaged woman who hadn't married the guy, eventually married someone else, and who years later told you that she'd wished that she'd known you were interested when she was available. Instead your "experience" is a self-centered reflection on your own feelings of regret, even in the absence of any knowledge about what happened to her. She probably did marry the guy and never considered you anything more than a classmate to have lunch with. It is much more likely that she hasn't given you a thought since than that she's pining away for you somewhere.

If she's seriously enough involved in a relationship to have accepted a ring and set a wedding date she is not interested in pursuing another man. (Your women friends are being foolishly "romantic" and trying to live vicariously through you - or else they're unhappy in their marriages, which calls into question their own judgment in these matters.)

Presumably she knows where you live, and either has your telephone number or can get it if need be. If things change and she's interested, she'll find you. Otherwise leave her alone. If you still want to give her a gift - without ulterior motives - make it a paperback book on some topic you're both interested, provided that it isn't something you'd think twice about giving to a male friend - and which wouldn't make you uncomfortable if a guy gave it to your fiancee.

Regards,

Joe

#9 of 128 MikeM

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Posted April 13 2003 - 09:32 PM

Get her a copy of this book and then tell her you've read it cover to cover, and memorized it by heart. Posted Image

#10 of 128 Holadem

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Posted April 14 2003 - 12:41 AM

Meh... lots of bad advice in this thread, we need some balance: Screw the moralistic crap Posted Image.

When I first read you post I though oh uh... he soo obviously likes her, but won't even acknowledge it... who the hell wants to give a gift to an engaged woman he's met recently? But at least you were honest in your second post. You can't get her if you're not honest about what you want - not necessarely honest to her, but honest yourself. Ambiguity is cool when it serves your purpose, but not when it is with yourself i.e. you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Remember, everyone has their own agenda. A lot of the guys screaming at the thougth of you talking to an engaged woman are people who are seriously commited and of course somewhat uncomfortable at the thougth of some guy hitting on their woman. My agenda is different. I am single, and if I met a woman I really like, and thougth I had a chance, I would definitly go after her. Half of romantic comedies out there involve people backing off weddings at the last minute, for their "true love". No, I don't live in a fairy tale world. However, I firmly believe that those movies represent a fantasy of following ones heart rather than settling, which I firmly believe is what most people do (settling). Notice I said settling, as in settling for less than you deserve because you are lonely, because it's "time to get married", social pressure, whatever.

Your agenda is to find the person who is right for you.

Of course there are some risks involved in such endeavours, you could end up in a plastic bag at the local landfill. Eh... there is no free lunch.

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#11 of 128 Michael Hughes

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Posted April 14 2003 - 02:08 AM

Since she is engaged, make it a thougtful platonic gift that may resonate with her if she decides the guy she is with now is not good enough becuase he does not get her thoughtful gifts like yours. A personalized music mix of some songs she may like or a well thought out book choice should do the trick.

#12 of 128 JamieD

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Posted April 14 2003 - 02:20 AM

I don't think we know enough about you or her to really give advice here. You don't refer to your age. You could be much older, having a midlife crisis. Posted Image

There's dozens of reasons why you could be interested in her, including the classic "If you can't have it, you want it" type of thing, which has nothing to do with really being able to sustain a relationship.

Personally, wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Especially if you don't know much about the fellow involved.
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#13 of 128 DaveF

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Posted April 14 2003 - 03:22 AM

Robert - You want express your gratitude to her by trying to drive a wedge between her and her to-be husband. You don't normally thank someone by attempting to harm her most important friendship.

Maybe it will work. People break off engagements. People get married and later regret it. Maybe you're the man she's really looking for. So watch the wedding announcements in the paper. When hers is canceled, then make your move.

#14 of 128 Lee L

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Posted April 14 2003 - 03:38 AM

Quote:
But I can speak from experience, I do regret a situation earlier in my life, where an engaged woman and I shared an English class and had lunch together a few times. We laughed and got along very well. I did not make a move on her because I knew she was engaged. I never let her know that I thought she was terrific. I regret it to this day. Did she marry this fellow? Did they subsequently divorce? Does she think about me or other guys sometimes and wish one of us would have stepped up to the plate? I don't know. And I'll never know if there could have been anything between the two of us because I did not let her know what I felt.


I was in a similar situation except the woman was the instructor (though still younger than me by a year or so) and I was late one day when she told the class about how her then boyfriend had moved down to the area to be near her so I did not feel bad talking to her after class. Were married now. Posted Image
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#15 of 128 Ryan Wright

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Posted April 14 2003 - 04:08 AM

Quote:
Since she is engaged, make it a thougtful platonic gift that may resonate with her if she decides the guy she is with now is not good enough becuase he does not get her thoughtful gifts like yours.
I agree with Michael.

Her engagement is going to dictate your gift. Let's say you pick out something that shows, even slightly, your intentions. One of two things will happen:

1. She isn't sure about her engagement and has some interest in you. In this case, the gift will change her world and things may work out just the way you want them to.

2. She is madly in love with her fiance (shouldn't we all be?). You'll scare the hell out of her, she will likely think you're a creep and will avoid you for the rest of her life.

When my wife and I were first married, she was taking a class at the local community college. A classmate asked her out to dinner despite knowing she was married. She did her best to avoid this "creep" (her words) by sitting as far away from him as possible from then on out.

My point: If you must give her a gift, select something thoughtful that would be appropriate to give to a friend. Anything more is asking for trouble.

#16 of 128 Jeremiah

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Posted April 14 2003 - 04:28 AM

I am sorry but you should not be giving gifts to engaged women that you have a crush on. I don't care if you will regret it, just take the hit and move on with your life b/c you will find someone else down the road that is not engaged to be married. Being engaged to someone is pretty much the same as being married and no single man should be giving gifts to a married women. Period.
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#17 of 128 Cam S

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Posted April 14 2003 - 04:40 AM

If I were this woman's Fiance, or eve boyfriend, and I found out a guy had given my gf/fiance a gift with ulterior motives, I would be pretty dam pissed. Put yourself in HIS shoes and think about it. A gift is still an option, just make it a SAFE gift that DOESN'T cause any problems.
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#18 of 128 Bill_D

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Posted April 14 2003 - 05:48 AM

I am on the "don't do it" side of this discussion because I think it is disrespectful. But, if you feel strongly enough, a "butt-whoopin" might be worth it just to find out if there is a future between the two of you.

Quote:
Being engaged to someone is pretty much the same as being married


Only men think this. There should be advantages to marriage and I cannot explore this opinion further without hijacking the thread or getting it closed.

Move to Atlanta, plenty of purdy, single, gotitgoinon women of all types here.

#19 of 128 Matt Gordon

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Posted April 14 2003 - 06:17 AM

Robert,

She's engaged. Let her go, man. There will be others.

Could you trust someone who has "a ring and a date" who dumps or at least cheats on her fiancee for a barely-friend??? You admit you don't even know her well enough to know what she would like.

Put yourself in his shoes. You could be if you pursue this... after a long time of soul-searching, you ask this girl to marry you, and then some other guy comes along. And it's your turn to get hurt.


Bill-D,

I know what you're driving at, but I think that in this instance, we're talking about engagement and marriage being the same in terms of commitment, not "advantages."


Matt
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#20 of 128 Todd Hochard

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Posted April 14 2003 - 07:08 AM

Quote:
1. She isn't sure about her engagement and has some interest in you. In this case, the gift will change her world and things may work out just the way you want them to.

2. She is madly in love with her fiance (shouldn't we all be?). You'll scare the hell out of her, she will likely think you're a creep and will avoid you for the rest of her life.
These are the two likely scenarios that will play out, should you let her in on your feelings.

However, #2 is the scenario that will play out if you don't say anything. So, what's to lose?

If you don't REALLY have a romantic interest, it's best to not do anything. However, if you do, speak your mind. Any man who says that you'd get preferential consideration over the potential "love of his life" out of "respect-" C'mon, get real. But, this ought not be some passing fancy on your part.

Todd
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