Making friends at 25+ (1 Viewer)

Christopher P · Mar 27, 2003

Hello. As I approach my 27, it seems like it's been a long time since I made a really good friend. I've never been one to have a lot of friends, but rather a few good close ones. I had a good circle of friends in high school (only one of which still lives in the area), only made 2 good friends at college (neither of which I talk to anymore) and haven't made any solid friendships since.

I tend to be shy initially when it comes to meeting people, but I open up pretty easily. I wonder about the current ways people meet other people, and it seems like its either through work (never worked in an office with more than 10 people), school/classes (which I don't take), or through other people. And it doesn't always seem to be the meeting new people that's the problem, but being able to form a strong bond with someone new.

I am wondering if any one else has a similar feeling on this matter.

I am reminded of The Body/Stand By Me: "I never had friends later on in life like I did when I was 12"

Chris

Mathew Shelby · Mar 27, 2003

You know what's funny...I was thinking the same thing except I am 22. My girlfriend also says I should invite friends over to watch movies, but most people aren't exactly as excited as I am to watch 4 movies in one night like I sometimes do. The bar scene is real strong in Tallahassee and most of my friends who go out and drink every single night can't understand why I spend so muchj on home theater stuff. (They should look who's talking-their money goes down their throats). Wouldn't it be great if I could find a friend who was into home theater and computers and actually lived near me?

Christ Reynolds · Mar 27, 2003

I had a good circle of friends in high school (only one of which still lives in the area), only made 2 good friends at college (neither of which I talk to anymore) and haven't made any solid friendships since.

i know how you feel there. i very recently turned 25. my only two friends (apart from my gf) i met in grade school. i have other 'friends' but i dont consider acquaintances or work friends to be actual friends, at least not the ones i have. i tend to be picky, i meet some nice people, but i usually find some flaw. talk about seinfeld syndrome. i made a couple good friends at college too, i only talk to one now, and not too often. i dont mind though, its not something i think about often. as long as i have a nice girl to have fun with, i'm ok. and i understand what you mean as well, mathew. i know quite a few people who spend quite a bit in the bar. i'm not a big drinker, but when i do decide to get a bit wobbly, i certainly dont to it at a bar, way too expensive!

CJ

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Hunter P · Mar 27, 2003

Women just don't get the fact that we can't ask out a guy to hang out with us. Call it homophobia if you will but a guy cannot approach another guy and say, "I think you're really cool. Let's hang out and be friends."

Women are lucky in that they have no hang ups about this.

Jared_B · Mar 27, 2003

I too have alays been the type to have a few really good friends, not many.

My current group of friends was made this way:
Was good friends with my neighbor, but he moved out. While helping him do some work at his new place, I met some of his neighbors. As it turns out, we were all into playing Xbox. Of course, the bragging started, and we had to have a matchup to prove/disprove all the talk. Been hanging out with this group for about a year now (including the original neighbor), and they're really the only friends I have. I have a few other quasi-friends that I meet up with once every few months, but that's about it.

The biggest issue for me is distance. I work about 35 miles from home. I meet a fair number of people through work (never any attractive, single women for some reason...), but it's tough interacting sometimes because I live so far away. They don't often want to drive up to my place for a BBQ or Xbox LAN party, and I don't often get down near them on the weekends.

Jared_B · Mar 27, 2003

Just saw your post, Hunter. You're exactly right. Any social invitation must be worded very carefully. It must be a "barbeque" or "xbox party" or "party", etc. We can't just go to a bar and strike up a conversation with another guy, and expect to make a friend out of it.

Leila Dougan · Mar 27, 2003

I have the same problem. I'm 23 and haven't had any good friends since high school.

The people I work with are ok (and there are 1000 employees). Some are nice and I consider them aquantainces, but none of them I'm interested in becoming great friends with.

Another part of the problem is that I don't care much for other women, so all my friends tend to be male. However, I can't just go up to a guy and say "hey want to come by my place and hang out?" without him thinking I'm hitting on him. I'm happily married so I want no part of it. Also, most guys I encounter immediately get interested when I talk to them, as if they can't understand the concept of a platonic friend. I know, I know, I understand how guys think most of the time.

So anyway, I have yet to come across someone who is interested in similar things I am that I'd be interested in being good friend with. I don't do the bar or club scene, I prefer to hang out and watch movies or work with computers, and am very much a homebody.

Jeremiah · Mar 27, 2003

Well, most people in their late 20's will find new friends from mainly work, church, maybe from a gym, or from another friend, but that is about it.

I am 28 in May and really only have friends that I had in high school, add the fact that I can't talk to people I don't know, so I only have a handfull of friends. Also, a HUGE problem is at my age people are getting married and having kids so the time to go out with a buddy becomes less and less. I met one guy at the gym and we will go golfing or have our yearly horse shoe tournamnet but he is 36 with a wife and 3 kids so hanging out is slim. I met one other guy from a mutual friend and he is a cool guy but we haven't partied toghether yet, we might go to Tijuana but I don't know.

I work with my dad only so I don't meet people at work, one guy we layed off I still talk to on occasion and he is big into movies and sports but he is about 6-7 years younger than me, not that it a huge deal b/c he is a cool guy.

Greg*go · Mar 27, 2003

The past few friends I've met have been friends of my friends. This seems to be the best way to do it. If a friend of mine thinks someone is cool to hang out with, then it is very likely that I'll think the same.

Of course, as earlier stated, the hard part is the initial time we meet without the mutual friend... which reminds me of that george/elaine episode in sienfeld.

A way I've done it in the past is when meeting everyone in a bar or other social outing, get there earlier then your mutual friend, so you have to rely on yourself to start up conversations and such, thus making a bond with the newer friend. And then you'll get comfortable with talking to each other without that mutual friend.

Michael Boyd · Mar 27, 2003

This reminded me that I made one of my best friends at the age of 26-27. I met Oscar at a Toys R Us while looking for new Star Wars figures. That was 5 years ago. We just started emailing and calling and exchanging info on where to find stuff. Then we started meeting for lunch to trade stuff. By the end of the year we were hanging out a lot. Later our interests expanded to Home Theater and he hooked me up to this forum.

My 60 year old father has been a casualty of the telcom meltdown over the past year. Going to job fairs and seminars he's made quite a few buddies. Unfortunate way to make new friends though.

MarcVH · Mar 27, 2003

Once people reach adulthood, they tend to fall into one of 3 different categories:

Unattached
Couple (married or long-term dating), childless
Single, parent
Couple, parent[/list=1]

Unfortunately, it can be challenging for different sets of people to become close friends. Couples and single people tend to have different interests and expectations, people who don't have kids are unlikely to have a house which is equipped to accomodate them well, unattached people tend to be more spontaneous while couples are more likely to need to make plans in advance, etc. So my suggestion would be to focus on people who are in the same category as you. Exceptions abound, of course.

Michael Reuben · Mar 27, 2003

Once people reach adulthood, they tend to fall into one of 3 different categories:

You listed four.

M.

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Robert_Z · Mar 27, 2003

I'm feeling you Christopher P. I am in my 30s and can tell you from personal experience that it is only going to get worse.

Wow, that is so grim.

Honestly, though, it takes time and effort to build a friendship, especially as one gets older. Maybe most people aren't willing to make that sacrifice? Maybe that's why (I assume) many of us choose to be alone at our computers exchanging messages on the internet with strangers, because it is easier than going out and trying to sustain meaningful friendships?

Luis Esp · Mar 27, 2003

Another part of the problem is that I don't care much for other women, so all my friends tend to be male.

I'm the opposite in this aspect. I can easily make friends with women (probably explains while I always seem to end up with the "Just Friends" speech), but when it comes to making with guys, it's easier pulling teeth.

I don't play or follow sports, so when my male co-workers and even some females who are into sports begin talking about sports...zoom! right over my head.

I guess the same thing happens when I talk about HT. When someone asks me for my opinion about a certain HT product, I tend to go into hyper-geek mode and I literally see the person's eyes going cross-eyed.

As for the people I work with, there are only few that I would consider inviting into my inner circle, but most of them I would definitely keep it at a professional level.

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Carl Miller · Mar 27, 2003

I'm 38, married with two kids. In high school, I had about 8 guy friends. By the time I came home after college, 5 of them were still friends and I made no lasting friends in college. Now only 2 of those friends are left. One married, one separated. I work in a big gov't building with 2,000-5,000 people in it depending on the time of year, and I don't socialize with any of them outside work except for the annual Christmas party.

Socially, I spend the most time with my wifes friends, though she insists they are "our" friends. They are I guess, but not really..if that makes any sense.

I do have a suggestion however if you're looking to meet people. Find a club, or an adult ed. class, weekend sport like softball, bowling or whatever you're intersted in...and attend. This stuff is informal, pressure free and you meet people you share a common interest with right off the bat. It's an all around good way to give the social life a boost.

Eric_E · Mar 27, 2003

Hey guys, I can totally relate to your situation. I'm 22, and I work in an office where I only see the same four people day in and day out, and none of them is younger than 30 and they're all married. I also work weird hours (11 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.), so it's difficult to get involved in anything in the evening, because it all starts before I get off work. I have one good friend who I've known since high school, but he's thinking of moving to Omaha soon. I honestly don't know what I would do. I would just be devastated. It's gotten so bad that I'm honestly considering going to grad school, partly to be in an environment where I'm surrounded by people closer to my age (and maybe to do some of the things I didn't get to do in college).

Anyway, it's a tough situation to be in, but try to keep your head up. Okay, this was a pointless post, but I just felt like sharing. :b

Scott_lb · Mar 27, 2003

I was thinking about this exact topic yesterday. I'm 28, from Wisconsin, and attending grad school in Los Angeles. I was fortunate enough to meet up with two of my best friends in Las Vegas for three days and it was great to see them. However, it also reminded me of how different our lives are now than they were ten years ago. None of us are married or have children, however, we all spend the vast majority of our time on work-related responsibilities (or school for me). Even when I am back home, I only see them one evening (occasionnaly two) per week and that's it. Back in the day, we'd hang out almost every night until the wee hours in the morning. As far as meeting new people goes, I would agree that it is indeed harder, however, I also don't think I put as much effort into it as I could (not that I want to anyway). I simply get too tied up with life's responsibilities to try and form as significant of friendships as I have with them. I sort of view us as a small, "tight" group of friends who I will know until the day I die. We've known each other for a very, very long time and I don't see that changing. I do realize that we will likely see each other less and less as time passes, however, I truly believe we'll always keep in contact. It's weird, I feel a sort of bond with them that I don't feel in others that I've known for the last few years.

BrianB · Mar 28, 2003

Try moving 3000 miles & changing countries! I've found it very hard to make friends outside the social circle of my wife & her friends. I have a few, but nothing similiar to what I had back in the UK - no real "gaming buddies" if that makes sense. I've always found it hard to make friends, ever since high school, so that combined with a different "language" (I mean cultural background, social background/expectations) makes it kinda hard for me at times.

But I'm trying to work on it.

Frederick · Mar 28, 2003

It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'm 32, and I can count my friends on one hand, and the bad thing is I don't really spend any time with them. My wife and I are having a vow renewal, complete with the ceremony, and I had problems finding people to stand up with me. I had to go with my brother-in-law and a cousin :laugh:

. Back in college I was surrounded by people, phone ringing off the hook. But now, my wife pays the phonebill because it's rare that I get any calls. I came to realize that I "outgrew" a lot of the people I associated with back then. I began to focus on my life, and hanging out `till 4 am just didn't do it for me anymore. I told myself that once I got our transportation situation fixed (no car at the moment), I'll begin to be more social. It bothers my wife more than it bothers me, because she's a social butterfly, and she can go out every weekend with her girlfriends while I'm chillin' on the loveseat. I'm content sitting in the house, watching a movie or playing a game or hanging with my son. But being social creatures, I realize that I need to get out more. I was told that XBox Live didn't count ...

Freddy C.

Christopher P · Mar 31, 2003

Thanks for the posts guys....gives me something to think about. When I meet people with a lot of friends, it seems like they are all friends from school. I've heard people say that the friends you meet in college are your friends for life. BS for me, but true for others I guess. I've also heard friends are friends forever, and I used to believe that too.

Chris

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