What's the best way to approach the ladies? (1 Viewer)

[Mike Broadman]

Ah... not laughing at you, dude, that was just phrased real nice and I used to be (still am?) the same way.


Leila, I can dig what you're saying. If we look for the "ideal," that begs the question of who's to blame, which may be opening another can of worms, but it's worthwhile for each of us to examine that about ourselves.

 

[Leila Dougan]

So I was thinking about this thread on my drive home from work yesterday. . .

My approach may not be the best one out there, either. I've been told more than once that guys have felt "led on" by me. While it certainly was not intention, I suppose I could see how a guy may think that. I mean, if I am friendly and chat for 30 minutes with a guy who is used to no woman giving him the time of day, I can understand him thinking I'm interested in him.

So this begs the question: Would you guys prefer a woman immediately turns you down or keeps talking even if there's only a small chance she's really interested?

There's this fine line and I've caught myself on both sides of it from time to time because, it seems, the line keeps shifting. Any guys care to provide me some insight?

 

[Seth_L]

I can't believe this thread has gotten this far without any reference to The Deacon Effect. Everyone should be ashamed of themselves. http://www.galaktek.com/cgi-bin/inde...=deffect1.html (Make sure to See tough love now!.)

 

[Citizen87645]

Why do you care? You're married now!

Just kidding. If you're talking about a scenario where it's all about two people hooking up romantically, then I'd prefer the axe swing sooner than later. But in my experience social situations are not so cut and dried and frankly I don't like them or expect them to be. Like you, I tend to have friendship as a consideration regardless, so if a woman and I are talking for awhile I don't assume it's all about romantic interest on her part. And I don't want her to think it's all about wanting to "hook up" on my end. Maybe I'm weird, but I think being so singleminded is shallow and a little rude, especially if two people are actually having a good conversation. From talking to some of my female friends it sounds like I'm a bit of a rarity in that regard.

Case in point: My cousin was talking to this guy at a party and moments after she mentioned her boyfriend he excused himself (at least I hope he did) and never came back. Sometimes I think it would be better if I took that approach, but it would essentially go against everything I believe about priorities in life.

 

[Lew Crippen]

Even when I was not married, I did not think that every social conservation was going to lead to romance. Of course there were women about whom I had hopes—but that was me, not them.

I’d say keep the conservation going, but don’t send out those positive body language signals.

For example I can still remember eating in a restaurant with three colleagues, two of them women and one of whom I knew quite well. The other two were engaged in an animated conservation, and the woman was smiling, laughing at every joke and leaning forward, so as not to miss the other guy’s conversatation.

Later on, my friend said that (the other) woman was put off by the other guy hitting on her—clearly one can carry on a social conservation without sending mixed signals.

Keep talking.

 

[DustinLC]

And that goes back to my recommendation of development the ability to approach and socialize with people. Anyone who has been through what I recommended would not have misunderstood you.

Anyway, I don't think it's realistic to expect a girl to give you 30 minutes without her finding something appealing about you. Besides, if you don't have the skill or comfort to talk to a stranger, how could you fill 30 min?

I think all of you remember high school and how a girl smiles at you and say hi and you all thinking that she has the hots for you. Imagine if she gives you 30 minutes! As adult having acquired more experience, we realize that's not the case. Some people like Leila are just friendly.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Uhhm, could you maybe rewrite this and assign names to the participants? I read it 4 times and still don't know who was upset or if anyone scored. Thanks!!

 

[Lew Crippen]

I guess it is a bit confusing Jeff.

So four colleagues go out to dinner in Caracas, two of whom, Lew and Helen who have worked together for some time and get along very well on a social level and the other two, Jim and Jane (recently arrived in Venezuela) don’t really know each other that well (nor do they know Helen or Lew very well either).

Still everybody is working together, so it is a friendly enough dinner. It is pretty easy to see that there is a little spark between Jim and Jane. Jim is telling stories (not really that interesting) and being a general ‘hail fellow, well met’ kind of guy. Jane is hanging on Jim’s every word, laughing more that the stories warrant, smiling a lot while looking Jim directly in the eyes and leaning across the table in order to not miss any of Jim’s discussion (and here I must point out that Jane gives my stories only a polite nod of recognition, even though I am a very much funnier guy than Jim).

Later on Helen tells my that Jane has told her that she did not like the advances toward her made by Jim.

Gee Jane, what could Jim have been thinking? Both Helen and I had a good laugh out of that.

For sure Jane went far beyond the kind of thing Leila was mentioning. Big difference between a conservation and a conservation with a whole lot of positive body language.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Ok, I get it now. Jane's a tease, Jim's a rotten story teller, Helen wants to jump Jim's bones (speculating here, but it works for me), Lew's funnier than all 4 put together and to sum it all up - nobody scored.

 

[Ted Lee]

if it's cut or dry, i want to get shut down quickly and (hopefully) painlessly.

but, i suspect one could find balance here. you can still be friendly, but make it clear that there is no spark. most dudes should be able to pick up on the "i'm not into you" vibe and back off while still maintaining some modicum of self-respect.

note i said *most* guys... :b

 

[Holadem]

Bleh. I just reach out and grab'em.

--
H

 

[Max Leung]

Except at an Anime convention! It's amazing how much hassle 12 (twelve) year-old cosplaying girls get there...

In a way, it's easier to "pick up" *ahem* girls at an Anime and SF convention because, as a rule, a lot of male fans have BO/hygiene issues and lack a certain social grace. The latter does have advantages though.

 

[Pamela]

Oh. man! I gotta get me some of that!

 

[DeathStar1]

And that goes back to my recommendation of development the ability to approach and socialize with people. Anyone who has been through what I recommented would not have misunderstand you.

>>>

So much for starting a conversation yesterday. Somebody at the counter store I was at yesterday remarked, oh wow, it's raining. I would have said something if I thought the rain was anything significant, but when I went in it was only drizzling.


I turn around to go out and notice that it's really POURING outside like a deluge. The lady in front of me turns around to hold the door open and I remark as such, "Wow, is it raining...". Turns around and walks away....

Try number one for casual conversation with the folks around me, failure, heh...

 

[Citizen87645]

I wouldn't let that discourage you (not sure if that was the intent of your post). As someone said there are some rude/unfriendly people out there or people who just don't like small talk with strangers.

I'm not Mr. Gregarious or anything, but I've found most of my successful attempts at conversation and small talk happen at concerts. This is consistent with Dave's suggestion about going to places and doing things you enjoy and at concerts there is at least one obvious thing to discuss and which people have in common. If there's a venue in your area that is of the outdoor variety, where people bring their own seats and sit in the grass, that's even more conducive I think.

Keep trying and don't sweat the "failures."

 

[DustinLC]

Hey Neil, good work. I'm serious. That's the whole point. You do this and you learn how people respond. You'll see that there are people like Leila who would talk to you because she's a nice person and you'll run into people that don't hardly say anything but because of facial expression, you can tell they're interested.

You'll make friends and one of these day, run into a girl that you like. By then, the 1000 jerks you have encountered mean nothing .

With each person you talk to, it gets easier and it doesn't take long before it's part of you to be friendly and likeable to strangers.

 

[DeathStar1]

In a way, it's easier to "pick up" *ahem* girls at an Anime and SF convention because, as a rule, a lot of male fans have BO/hygiene issues and lack a certain social grace. The latter does have advantages though. >>>

Hey now, I went to my first anime/ation convention last April to meet the Fox Box voice over people and I keep myself groomed .

I dunno why, but I find it easier to start conversation with people at these types of conventions than in the general public. Occasioanlly I'll be within earshot of a conversation about something I'm interested in and ask them a question about it. Like a couple who was in line with me at a Mark Hamill autograph signing. I asked them about the prices at the other atuo tables and they responded in kind. People generally seem to be alot friendlier at these things too...

I noticed alot of single ladies at the Anime Next Convention, but I doubt there where alot of 25 year olds there. I might have found one in the Thundercat voice actor area, but most of them where probably younger than me at that con..

Different Story at the few STar Trek conventions I go to. Only problem is, most ladies have guy friends with them, or come in a group, so I guess your alot less likley to startup a convesation with them...

 

[Malcolm R]

As Cameron said, it's easier to start conversations with people at concerts/conventions/etc. because you know you already have something in common with them. Much different than trying to chat up a random total stranger.

 

[Nick Sievers]

Yeah, I don't usually start up conversations about Thundercats with total strangers.

 

[Citizen87645]

I don't even do that with friends!